Am I over-sensitive?

LegacyUser

Hoping you all can help me figure this out.

I've just had a weekend of rows with my mother over what I would call her tactlessness and she would call my over-sensitivity. I'm in my mid-30s and I don't live at home.

I find myself very defensive about most aspects of my life with her and I know I tend to react by either shutting down or blowing up.

For example, I recently took up a hobby and when I brought home my first piece to show her she said 'Is that it?' in a sneering tone of voice. When I confronted her about it she said that she meant that she had expected it to be bigger and that I was over reacting, and that she thought it was lovely. When I pointed out that there were a thousand ways she could have said this that would have been better she told me I was hypersensitive and that she wasn't going to walk on eggshells around me.

This bleeds over into my love-life as well. I was previously dating someone with food allergies and after it ended and I was seeing someone else she said 'I hope this one will eat'. My current (new) partner is vegetarian and when I told her this she rolled her eyes and started to say 'Jesus...' at which point, I'll admit that I jumped in defensively asking why she couldn't just accept people but had to make some remark. I have coincidentally cut down the amount of meat I eat as I'm trying to lose weight and save money and I just know that she's decided that I'm being

Previously, when I needed to lose weight, she told me I was 'fat and disgusting' and denied having said it when I confronted her later, but if I'd told her at the time that I'd found it hurtful I know she'd have said the usual - she was joking, I was overreacting, stop being so sensitive. I've had this all my life from my family: if I was upset I was told that my bladder was very close to my eyes, or I was asked if I had my period.

It descended into a row this morning with me asking her to just take 2 seconds to consider what she's saying before she opens her mouth but, again, I'm the one with the problem. I told her that If I keep 'taking her up wrong' then maybe she should consider why that is, and that even if I considered someone over-sensitive that I would try to communicate in a way that wouldn't upset them, but again, she's "not going to walk on eggshells". I told her that as she's my mother I obviously don't take 'joking' negative remarks from her very well, guess what she said...

She has no friends except her sister, who my father is concerned is a bad influence on her. She has asked me if something is wrong with her because no-one ever invites her to social events and she has no friends, and I know this is a concern for her but when she has the opportunity to go on a day trip with a club she's in she won't go because she 'wouldn't have any interest in that'. I tried to tell her as gently as I could that she could try join in more, but I know that if I were to say anything about her lack of tact being a cause of her lack of friends she'd be in tears and I'd be the worst in the world for saying it.

I know that you only have my perspective and perception, and I know that I can be touchy about things said to me by my family whereas I will happily accept ribbing from my friends. It's at the stage where I feel like I'm deliberately not telling her things because she'll say something and I'll say something and we'll wind up having a row. It seems that if she doesn't feel like she can make a remark then she'll make a remark about how she can't say anything because I'll get upset.

fussyonion

Your mother sounds like a nasty person. Calling her own daughter fat and disgusting?.
My mother would never say something like that. How utterly hurtful.
If anyone accuses you if being over sensitive, OP, I wouldn't blame you if your mother treats you like that.

Sound Bite

From the first few paragraphs I was on the fence thinking maybe you may have been sensitive or overreacting but once your mentioned her calling you fat and disguisting, i think you are being extremely restrained.


Such horrible comments are far more of a reflection on her than you. I despise people who need to insult others to make themselves feel better. How dare she? Limit your time with her and spend your time with more positive people.

Katieloulou

My mother is exactly the same...i used to wonder if i was being over sensitive...i now know im not...try and limit your time with her and try and laugh off what she says..easier said than done i know...as someone else said its more about her and not you....stay strong and always believe in yourself...

professore

My own mother has tendencies like this - not as bad as yours but maybe that's partially because we don't put up with it and tell her she's out of order in equally blunt fashion.

Believe it or not it has its advantages, as you know where you stand with her, and she's not one for mind games, which personally I find worse.

However your mum appears to be intentionally mean, while I don't think mine is. You are in your 30s, you don't have to stand for this, so don't.

Tell her you are not visiting her anymore until she changes her attitude. Let her have it with some home truths as to why she has no friends except her equally bitter sister. It's the wake-up call she needs when even her "harmless" son can't put up with her. She needs some tough love OP. If she's able to give it then she also needs to be able to take it.

Wurly

Can I suggest that you look into narcissistic abuse? Do any of these traits ring a bell? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIk1Q8osv8Q&list=PL2AYE8A9oDrTrB3MB4GtjREnco7XfCpa_

I've spent my entire life wondering what was so wrong with me and why i'm 'so sensitive'. Turns out i've been suffering with complex PTSD for years and didn't even know.

Narcissistic mothers are very real and their abuse is insidious and incredibly hard to prove. I've given up now and I no longer communicate with my family as my version of events are consistently denied. It's a non stop head wreck and so not worth it. Your post sounds very familiar with what i've been through too...

I may be wide of the mark in your case but it might be worth an investigation. Good luck.x

pilly

I don't think you're over sensitive either OP. I had this all my life from my mother and people used to accuse me of being over sensitive too until I cut off contact with her and she started on others including my own children. They now understand why I don't have contact and thankfully because I brought them up with an abundance of love they're strong enough to take what she says with a pinch of salt.

My father was worse in a more insidious way too and his sister was the only one who could talk to him about his attitude. She's passed now so he has free reign.

Important thing to remember is that it's more about her than you and also don't pass it on to your own children. Fill them full of confidence so they will be strong enough for this sort of thing.

It's so much harder to take because our parents are supposed to love us unconditionally and when they don't it damages your self confidence big time.

Counselling for yourself might be an idea. I've learnt over the years you can't change other people, only yourself.

Tiddlypeeps

Your mother very much sounds like a narcissist. If that is the case then nothing you say or do will make her believe she is the problem.

From a practical point of view engaging in fights is only adding fuel to the fire and will never solve anything. So you need to decide if the best approach is to keep her at arms length, cut her out completely, or develop thicker skin and try to ignore her insults.

If you absolutely need to maintain a relationship with her because you have a larger family that it would otherwise be awkward to interact with then I would recommend a combination of keep her at arms length and try to ignore her when she does get an insult in. Don't tell her anything unless she specifically asks, she will just use whatever she can get as ammunition so give her as little as possible. When she does resort to insulting don't take the bait, limit your responses to them to either silence or one word answers like "k".

If you can get away with it then cutting her out completely is at least worth considering. Counselling would be great for helping you figure out if that is the right decision or it should at least help you learn to deal with the situation in a constructive way. If you have been putting up with this sort of abuse all your life you have likely built up a tonne of bad habits with regards to your emotional health and conflict resolution that counselling could also help you address.

lawred2

You don't sound at all over sensitive. Your mother sounds like a right cow.

Typical bully tactic as well putting the blame back on the target. It's your fault because you take offense to her nasty remarks. Give me a break.

mohawk

pilly wrote: »

I've learnt over the years you can't change other people, only yourself.

This times a thousand.
She will never change. There is no point arguing with her or asking what she meant. If you are going to continue a relationship with her then keep in mind you have control of how you react to it. People like her are doing it to hurt in my experience. The other thing I would add is stop trying to get her approval. Be it products of your new hobby or a new partner. It will only give her another opportunity to pass another comment.

pilly

mohawk wrote:

This times a thousand. She will never change. There is no point arguing with her or asking what she meant. If you are going to continue a relationship with her then keep in mind you have control of how you react to it. People like her are doing it to hurt in my experience. The other thing I would add is stop trying to get her approval. Be it products of your new hobby or a new partner. It will only give her another opportunity to pass another comment.

Yeah, I found a lot of time that I was nearly begging for approval.

It's so damaging to your self esteem.