Contacting family

This is a bit of a strange one.

When I was 16, I learned the man that raised me as his son, wasn't my real dad. I reached out and found my birth father. I met him twice, and after that he wanted nothing to do with me, time had moved on.

In our two meetings, I found out he had twins. Coupled with his quite unusual surname, I tracked them down a few years ago.

When he and I met, they were toddlers, but now, they're 23.

What should I do? They probably have no idea they have another brother. None of their pictures on Facebook/twitter have my birth father in them, so they may not have him in their life anymore.

I'd like to make contact, but a PM saying, "I'm your brother, LOL" may not be the best way to do this.

Any advice?

tomwaterford

Are they friends with their mother on facebook??
Possibly explain situation to her/go through an offial channels (maybe dept of health?)

As theres no gaunetee that your right....and while it would be great to know them...but at 23 and you mid-late 30s...be wary that getting to know you may not be high on their priorites atm???

But you cant know until you try i guess?

team_actimel

Are many of their photos on Facebook/Twitter public? Just cos there's no photos of their birth father doesn't mean they have no contact with him. Especially at that age they'd probably just have photos of friends up.

I think you should make contact with them. Otherwise you'd always be wondering what if.
If they don't want to know at least you tried, but you never know they might love a big brother.

LegacyUser

Pappa Dolla wrote: »

What should I do? They probably have no idea they have another brother. None of their pictures on Facebook/twitter have my birth father in them, so they may not have him in their life anymore.

Given his poor behaviour towards you (and it is poor to simply decide you want nothing more to do with your child without compelling reason, regardless of the history), it's quite possible things have gone the same way with your (half?) siblings. It's also possible that they have elected to end the relationship with him, or that he's dead, or that they simply have their own pictures up and have no reason to show him. Don't make that kind of guesswork part of your decision, anything could have happened between them and it's the relationship between you and them you're thinking about. You can't control or account for their relationship with your father, so don't try. It's possible they hate him and want nothing to do with any reminders, or they hate him and will bond with you because of his rejection of you, or love him and love anyone connected to him and blah blah blah. Not worth trying to guess.

My assumption is that they have no idea you exist, hence your father refusing to have a relationship with you, to spare him having to tell his new family. It's also possible their mother knows but they don't. If you decide to get in contact, that's the first hurdle you have to overcome, you'll essentially have to prove you are who you say. A few details about names, ages, where your father was from etc should overcome that. That said, it's possible they do know and don't have enough info to make contact with you.

I'd say get in touch. You'll always wonder otherwise. After that, it's up to them and you'll have to accept that you may never get a response, or you may get a response you don't like, or a lukewarm one that accepts you but never turns into much more than that. They may also not be people you'd choose to have a relationship with and you end up backing away. But there's the possibility they'll be delighted and you'll end up with a bigger family.

I'd suggest thinking about the feelings of the parents who raised you too. There's no suggestion in your post that you have anything other than a good relationship with them, so maybe talk to them about what you're hoping to achieve and what it says about your relationship with them.

You might also ant to think about some counselling before you get in touch. That may seem unnecessary at this stage, but it would be impossible for something like to not affect you and that's worth addressing.

There's also a suggestion in the thread that you somehow use "official channels". I can't see what that's based on, the state may be involved if there's an adoption, fostering etc, but other than that it doesn't have a role in overseeing adult, family relationships and there's no need to seek approval for what you do or to document it.

pilly

I would contact them, it is hard to know what to say in an initial contact though. Maybe just "I think we might have the same father"

amtc

I'd make it even vaguer...do you know x?

Big Bag of Chips

What's the point in being vague? If you do contact them it is for the specific reason that you know/believe you are their brother. Being vague is only dragging out communication that doesn't need to be dragged out.

They are adults now, and if you contact them it should be to say: My name is xx. My father is yy. Explain a bit about your relationship or lack of with your father and ask if they'd like to meet you.

Rubberchikken

agree with ^^. what do you have to lose? my family have been in a similiar position and while some of it worked and some of it didn't, it was better to have it out in the open. secrets just aren't worth it imho.

Fakediamond

I think how the initial contact is handled could determine whether or not a longer term relationship can be forged. Personally, I'd tread carefully, don't rush into anything. Can you ask a professional for advice, such as a social worker, counsellors, or other neutral person? Meetings arranged via FB are not the only or best option.