emotional abuse

menser99

Hi,
I having been seeing a girl since last June, we fell quickly in love and have been living together since last September . Things have been amazing most of the time. The problem is , a few months ago I dug into her past, looking at her Facebook private messages. I am aware this is a serious breach of privacy, but that damage is now done and irreversible. I read some things that I did not like from her past, she had been with a few younger guys and had a bit of a mental holiday 2 years ago, drugs/guys etc. Drugs are not her thing by the way (nor mine), she just had a bit of an escapism type holiday and lost the run of herself by her own admission.
My problem is I have not been able to let it go. I have been constantly and irrationally abusing her over it. Making her feel ashamed of herself for her past actions. She has never done anything to hurt me in our relationship. I have been childish and judgmental. I have also lost control somewhat by prying into the lives via social media of guys she has been with, just fuelling my anger even more.
We had a massive row last Friday, a culmination of all the other rows we have had. She told me to leave. She was broken by my constant anger toward her past. I think the relationship is now gone. I have somehow pressed the self destruct button on us both and hurt her in the worst way imaginable.
If the relationship is gone, I wont grovel as she is better than that and I don't deserve her so I am not looking for advise on how to win her back. I am ashamed of myself . I want to know if any other men or women have experienced this in the past? Is there any help available for a person like me? I am deeply hurt and ashamed by my actions and I want to ensure this never happens to me again, whether I stay with my girlfriend or if I am in a new relationship.
Please, I know the errors of my way so I am not here to be judged. I am already deeply ashamed for both invading her privacy and my reactions. I am here to seek advise from anyone else who has gone through something similar.
Thanks.

Tokyo

I'd strongly advise you see a counsellor OP.

By your own admission you have pried into her private life, belittled the girl for her actions before you were even part of her life, and emotionally abused her ever since. To say that this is not healthy behaviour is an understatement - for the last three months your girlfriend has been in an abusive relationship, and there's a good chance that it will take her a long time to recover from this.

My honest advice is to stay away from her, and focus on yourself. Talk to a professional and try to come to terms with your insecurities before considering entering into another relationship. If you don't, then I suspect the cycle will repeat.

menser99

Thanks Mike - I have taken this step (forgot to mention it). Seeing a counsellor this Saturday. This is an absolute wake up call, I am so frightened by my actions.

Airyfairy12

Was this your first relationship? do you have misconceptions about women and how they should behave sexually, socially ect? Did you feel like she was your possession or yours to control? Do you expect women to behave in a particular way?

You sound like an abusive partner, youre controlling, possessive and needy. I'm not saying this to be judgmental but because it's the truth and you need to seek help for that.

5rtytry56

menser99 wrote: »

Thanks Mike - I have taken this step (forgot to mention it). Seeing a counsellor this Saturday.

just a FIRST step of a number you need to take.

menser99

Hi AiryFairy,
I have been in relationships before and never behaved like this, its true to say this is my first love. I wasn't aware of any misconceptions I have about women, I always thought of myself as quite open minded. I have frightened myself with my attitude. I know you are not judgmental, you are correct in what you say. That's the frightening part.
@ 5rtytry56 - do you have more steps in mind I should be looking at?
Is there any men out there who have discovered this about themselves and sought help?

5rtytry56

menser99 wrote: »

@ 5rtytry56 - do you have more steps in mind I should be looking at?
Is there any men out there who have discovered this about themselves and sought help?

- There are other steps needed. I don't know which ones - not trying to come across as smart but I'm not qualified as area of counselling here.
- I'm sure there are other men who have discovered this but I don't know any personally.

Airyfairy12

menser99 wrote: »

Hi AiryFairy,
I have been in relationships before and never behaved like this, its true to say this is my first love. I wasn't aware of any misconceptions I have about women, I always thought of myself as quite open minded. I have frightened myself with my attitude. I know you are not judgmental, you are correct in what you say. That's the frightening part.
@ 5rtytry56 - do you have more steps in mind I should be looking at?
Is there any men out there who have discovered this about themselves and sought help?

From personal experience with abusive men they usually blame everyone else for their behaviour including their partner and try to justify and make excuses for themselves, the fact that youve admitted your problem to yourself and want to change shows that youre really not a bad person at all, everyone makes mistakes and do regretful things sometimes, once you learn from those mistakes then thats the main thing.
Could you take some anger managment classes? maybe work through insecurities, boundary issues and obsessive thoughts/feelings you have with a psychologist. Ive always found councillors to be useless, theyre undertrained and it can be hard to find someone you gel with, you might have more luck with a trained psychologist rather than councillor whose only got 3/4 years of basic talk therapy training.

menser99

Yes Airy, its a psychotherapist I am going to. I will seek advice from her re anger management etc. I have spoken to my brother about it in detail, and have also told my mother (not in the same detail). I do feel admitting it and talking about it helps, its still a horrendous feeling knowing I have behaved like this but also a weight off my mind knowing I am working towards a resolution.
thanks.

Fakediamond

Hi OP, , I don't know where you live, but there's a good website that might be of help, if it's in your area:

MEND.ie

Rekop dog

You've openly and frankly explained where you went wrong and don't seem in denial or shifting any blame towards her. That's a good start at least.

If she's still talking to you you should try calmly let her know this and that you're seeking help to try rectify it. She might take you back if she sees genuine contrition on your part.

But firstly you need to get over the little pity party you're having yourself there as it's coming across borderline pathetic, in particular this crap:

'I wont grovel as she is better than that and I don't deserve her.'

Emme

Rekop dog wrote: »

You've openly and frankly explained where you went wrong and don't seem in denial or shifting any blame towards her. That's a good start at least.

If she's still talking to you you should try calmly let her know this and that you're seeking help to try rectify it. She might take you back if she sees genuine contrition on your part.

But firstly you need to get over the little pity party you're having yourself there as it's coming across borderline pathetic, in particular this crap:

'I wont grovel as she is better than that and I don't deserve her.'

No disrespect to the OP but I think his ex would be better off without him. He needs to get help before getting into a relationship again. His ex is probably trying to rebuild her self confidence now. Going back with the OP would not help.

professore

I had a friend like you, he dated several women and there were never any issues, until he met this one girl that he really fell for. He treated her really badly and they eventually broke up.

I even told her to leave him when she asked me what I thought. To this day he doesn't know what came over him - I think it was some sort of self esteem issue that he felt he didn't deserve her and therefore she most be cheating etc.

Not sure if any of that helps OP but as others have said you need counseling to get to the bottom of why you behaved like you did. And I hope your long suffering girlfriend can find some peace now.

menser99

Thanks all - I agree, I need to giver her the space to recover and move on from this.
Agree Rekop, that is crap and pity talk - was just trying to make the point that I'm not going to interfere with her decision making as its all my problem/fault.
All of the above has been particularly useful, actually looking forward to seeing a professional tomorrow so I can start fixing myself albeit the relationship is dead.

menser99

thanks...anyone know of a Dublin version on MEND.ie?

Fakediamond

No, but I'd say if you ring Mend, they'll connect you with the equivalent organisation in Dublin.

Best of luck, taking responsibility is the first step on your journey to healthy relationships in the future.

Witchie

Whilst I can't condone any of your behaviour I do want to congratulate you on realising it is an issue and proceeding to do something about it. Not many people can face up to their problems like this so it gives me great hope that with the right counselling and help you will be able to move on from this and lead a great and loving life.

As the victim of emotional abuse from my ex husband, I do agree that you should stay away from your ex, at least for the next while and allow her to come to terms with it all too.

Good luck with your appointment. Please do everything you can to try to ensure that this never becomes an issue again. All the best.