Sex Question

LegacyUser

Hey another sex thread I know!

Me and my boyfriend have been together for three years last month. Everything is great, we get on well but the one thing that I've noticed is how little sex we have. I'd have a high enough sex drive but my parter wouldn't. At the start it was great but now we have sex every 3 weeks to once a month. I make it clear I want sex often enough but I'm always told I'm just "overly horny" and get the usual excuses about being tired etc. and I never really push past that point.

I'm 24 and he's 25. Am I crazy or is this normal?

Rekop dog

AnonPost wrote: »

Hey another sex thread I know!

Me and my boyfriend have been together for three years last month. Everything is great, we get on well but the one thing that I've noticed is how little sex we have. I'd have a high enough sex drive but my parter wouldn't. At the start it was great but now we have sex every 3 weeks to once a month. I make it clear I want sex often enough but I'm always told I'm just "overly horny" and get the usual excuses about being tired etc. and I never really push past that point.

I'm 24 and he's 25. Am I crazy or is this normal?

You're not crazy and it's not normal. Well normal probably the wrong word, but it's very far below average for a couple your age. Even as low sex drives go that's nearly dormant so don't let him brush it off and let you think you're overly horny and don't pretend 'everything is great' as it clearly isn't.

baby and crumble

Is he completely adverse to "helping you out" even if he's not in the mood? If so, then yeah it's a problem. Some people genuinely have lower libidos, there's nothing wrong with that. But someone who is selfish about it and blaming you for being "too horny" sounds like they're on the defensive from the off.

Tokyo

AnonPost wrote: »

I make it clear I want sex often enough but I'm always told I'm just "overly horny" and get the usual excuses about being tired etc.

Has anything changed recently that might lend merit to this? Not the overly hormy part of course - that's just deflection. But is something going on in his life (work/exams/family/etc) that might lend credence to what he's saying.

I agree with the above posts, that such a quick decline in interest in sex is unusual. But I think it's worth a closer look to try and find out what the root of the problem is. Sex is a very important part of a relationship, and is worth a lot more than a brush off on his part, or not wanting to question it further, on your part.

Parchment

Rekop dog wrote: »

You're not crazy and it's not normal. Well normal probably the wrong word, but it's very far below average for a couple your age. Even as low sex drives go that's nearly dormant so don't let him brush it off and let you think you're overly horny and don't pretend 'everything is great' as it clearly isn't.

Disagree - its portrayed that everyone is at it like rabbits each night. Thats not the case at all.

Normal is totally subjective when it comes to sex. It might not be what the OP wants but that doesnt mean its not normal.

Rekop dog

Parchment wrote: »

Disagree - its portrayed that everyone is at it like rabbits each night. Thats not the case at all.

Normal is totally subjective when it comes to sex. It might not be what the OP wants but that doesnt mean its not normal.

What are you disagreeing with? You don't think once a month is below average for a young couple? You're plain wrong if you disagree with that. I also said normal was the wrong word but it was OP who asked.

Parchment

Rekop dog wrote: »

What are you disagreeing with? You don't think once a month is below average for a young couple? You're plain wrong if you disagree with that. I also said normal was the wrong word but it was OP who asked.

Normal is subjective therefore cant be used as a marker for things like this.

JustAThought

Sounds like the problem the thread has where the GF thinks her OH is gay! Hedidn't want to have sex either! Madness!

Yes OP - it is absolutely not normal! A new relationship, new love - sex once a month at best? Thays INSANE. And his balming you for being 'too horny' is downright mean. I'm all gor consiferation when someone is in a LT relationship or ill Or depressed buy in a new relationship that is juat not fair! ( on you)! Discuss, fix or get used being in a committed sex free relationship- how awful.

LegacyUser

baby and crumble wrote: »

Is he completely adverse to "helping you out" even if he's not in the mood? If so, then yeah it's a problem. Some people genuinely have lower libidos, there's nothing wrong with that. But someone who is selfish about it and blaming you for being "too horny" sounds like they're on the defensive from the off.

He'll offer to help but it's almost a sullen offer to the point where I really don't want to. He'll also show his disinterest in facial expressions and whatnot if he's just helping which is a big turn off.

mike_ie wrote: »

Has anything changed recently that might lend merit to this? Not the overly hormy part of course - that's just deflection. But is something going on in his life (work/exams/family/etc) that might lend credence to what he's saying.

I agree with the above posts, that such a quick decline in interest in sex is unusual. But I think it's worth a closer look to try and find out what the root of the problem is. Sex is a very important part of a relationship, and is worth a lot more than a brush off on his part, or not wanting to question it further, on your part.

Nothing has changed really, it's been like this for a long time (started to go downhill maybe 6 - 8 months in). Life in other aspects of the relationship and outside the relationship are really good, it's just the sex issue. He's great otherwise.

Thanks for all the replies so far.

ziggyman17

I think that is very low.. myself and my wife are together 9 years, at the start we made love about 10 to 14 times a week.. now we make love between 3 to 6 times a week..

ziggyman17

I think that is very low.. myself and my wife are together 9 years, at the start we made love about 10 to 14 times a week.. now we make love between 3 to 6 times a week..

racso1975

Read an article the other day (can't link mobile user) that 10 time a year or less is dysfunctional in a relationship. That puts you borderline at once a month.

Look the bottom line is this won't change. He might not have same drive but obviously has no interest at all in your sexual needs. In anyway shape or form!!!!

Also when you do have sex is it just about him getting off?

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Nichololas

Parchment wrote: »

Normal is subjective therefore cant be used as a marker for things like this.

You do realise Rekop Dog has said twice that normal wasn't the right word, right?

And for pedantry's sake: sex once a month for a couple in their mid 20's (barring long distance, etc) is probably a goodly distance from the mean of the normal distribution for similar couples. Personal normal is subjective, statistical normal can definitely be used as a marker.

OP I would bet heavily that your boyfriend doesn't only masturbate once a month, might be worth a frank talk about. Or, maybe he does just have a really low libido and after the initial honeymoon he's descended to the level of sex he's comfortable with, in which case it's up to you to decide if you can live with it ..

Aseth

Every couple is different - some will have sex few times a week, another few times a month. This isnot an issue, it becomes an issue when it starts bothering one of the partners.
The only way to resolve this OP it to talk to your partner. Explain that you noticed you are not intimate as often as you were and as much as you'd like to. Maybe he has some problems he is not telling you about or is under stress. Don't let him dismiss you with 'too horny' - this doesn't contribute to solution and is disrespectful towards you.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I'm sorry I have no great advice to give. Your situation resonates with me. We're a long term couple (10 years) a few years older than ye, living together, everything is fantastic apart from the sex. At the start maybe once a week, 3 or 4 times a week when we lived together for a few months abroad, maybe once a week again for a few years, and since we've moved in together it would be lucky to be once a month. Hasn't happened this year in fact, I've just realized.

I try to be romantic and do special things, weekends away, holidays, and it always seems like we will but just as it gets to a point she'll walk away and go to bed.

I try to talk to her about it every so often but she literally runs away from conversations about it, or ends up in tears and I feel like an ass for bringing it up. We've talked about marriage but I don't want to move forward if this is going to be an issue between us, but I've never voiced that. I can't contemplate us breaking up. Any time she will talk she says sex is important to her but I've never seen actions reflecting that.

I've contemplated cheating to seperate sex from our relationship in order to save it as it's great otherwise, but no good could ever come of that.

This eats away and away at me, sometimes I'll just start crying when doing the washing up or left to my own thoughts. All I can say is have these conversations before you get too invested and it feels like something that's going to drive a wedge between ye. If your boyfriend is open to a counseller jump at the opportunity, I wish we had that option.

Sorry for the haphazard post it was a bit of word vomit.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I hadon't a massive long reply written as I feel like I'm in an eerily similar situation with my girlfriend, but I lost the post.

Basically talk about this with him or go to a counsellor at all costs. I'm in a relationship 10 years, slightly older than yourselves, once a month would be generous and we're living together 2 years. Hasn't happened this year yet. She won't talk about it and I feel like the bad guy whenever I push for the conversation, it eats away at me and makes me miserable whenever I think too much. I love her and everything else is fantastic but this is chipping away at me. Don't let yourself get to this stage. Talk about it if he'll let you.

HalloweenJack

Different people have different sex drives, that's normal. However, it is an important part of a relationship and it is something where both members need to be on the same level.

He needs to talk to you about it, dismissing your needs as 'too horny' is quute offensive, imo. After three years together, he shouldn't be afraid of talking about it.

This is an important issue as you are not satisfied in an important part of the relationship. If he refuses to discuss it then I think he is neglecting two parts of the relationship: sex and communication. Those would be big warning signs for me.

Is there anything going on in his life, OP?

redfox123

Is he healthy, fit and active? it could be low libido but if he's not depressed, or very overweight, at his age this is not common.
As another poster said I'd bet he sorts himself out far more than once a month..he's a guy in his mid 20s, I'd strongly suspect he's choosing this over having sex *a lot. And also means this is not about his sex drive. You won't know until you ask him about it. Sadly it's probably not something he will be honest with you about it because he won't see it as a problem, or will be in denial about it. It could be the reason, and is happening so much with young men who've grown up with limitless porn and it is sad. Sex becomes a chore, while masturbation, fantasy and porn becomes the automatic, far easier (they see intimacy and pleasing their partner as effort), and a more fun and exciting release than real life sex.
You need to talk and be clear it's unfair on you. If nothing changes now what will it be like in 5/10 years if you stay together?

groovyg

Me_too... wrote: »

Hi OP. I hadon't a massive long reply written as I feel like I'm in an eerily similar situation with my girlfriend, but I lost the post.

Basically talk about this with him or go to a counsellor at all costs. I'm in a relationship 10 years, slightly older than yourselves, once a month would be generous and we're living together 2 years. Hasn't happened this year yet. She won't talk about it and I feel like the bad guy whenever I push for the conversation, it eats away at me and makes me miserable whenever I think too much. I love her and everything else is fantastic but this is chipping away at me. Don't let yourself get to this stage. Talk about it if he'll let you.

How much talking and counselling do people need to do before they realise the other person is not interested in sex or just not attracted to you. I can't understand how everything is fantastic when your self esteem is on the floor.
Some people are just not sexually compatible and I don't think any amount of talking and counselling will solve the problem. Its ok to move on and find someone who will love you and be attracted to you.

LuckyLloyd

AnonPost wrote: »

He'll offer to help but it's almost a sullen offer to the point where I really don't want to. He'll also show his disinterest in facial expressions and whatnot if he's just helping which is a big turn off.

Not acceptable imo.

magneticimpulse

As other people put it. Some people just don't have high sex drives or go through phases and years of dry spells.

What's normal for one person might not be normal for other people. Even people in their 20s might only have sex now and again and go years without sex. There are many single people out there not having sex at all for many years and not masterbating either.I know because many guys tell me they have never had sex with a woman or its been 3 years since they've had sex. Statistics is very biased to the group of people you talk to and obviously the people having lots of sex are going to be open and cocky about it. The people not having much sex are not really going to shout out about it. But plenty exist and there is nothing wrong with them. It is just who they are and what they are in the mood for.

It's not necessarily something is wrong with people, just they don't see sex as the be all and end all. And I'm sure when these people are in couple it might be a novelity at the beginning and then wears off. Doesn't mean the person is depressed; weird etc. Just like some people find reading or movies boring. Not everyone has to be into he same things and shock horror not everyone is into having sex.

Only way to find out is to ask your parter. If once a month is all he wants, then you have to decide if you are happy with that.

professore

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Even people in their 20s might only have sex now and again and go years without sex. There are many single people out there not having sex at all for many years and not masterbating either.I know because many guys tell me they have never had sex with a woman or its been 3 years since they've had sex. .

The vast majority of guys of that age are not celibate by choice. I am guessing you are female: there are lots of guys who are hopeless with women and therefore don't get any action - it doesn't work like that for women. There are men not interested in sex but they are few and far between. Men only interested in sex with particular women are very common though.

Augme

Ignore this, didn't read the OP properly.

TheChizler

groovyg wrote: »

How much talking and counselling do people need to do before they realise the other person is not interested in sex or just not attracted to you. I can't understand how everything is fantastic when your self esteem is on the floor.
Some people are just not sexually compatible and I don't think any amount of talking and counselling will solve the problem. Its ok to move on and find someone who will love you and be attracted to you.

A lot of people are terrible at communication, talking to a counsellor can help them open the door to these conversations that they need to have. It's probably worth exploring that than writing it off immediately.

TheChizler

Augme wrote: »

The relationship is toast. I wouldn't even bother trying to work on it. It's 3 months in and already sex is rare, what's it going to be like in3 years? The last thing any person should have to do, is to try and convince their partner to have sex with them. That will kill your self-esteem over time and just grind you down. Just finish it now.

3 years not months IIRC. That's worth doing a little bit of work to salvage.

magneticimpulse

professore wrote: »

The vast majority of guys of that age are not celibate by choice. I am guessing you are female: there are lots of guys who are hopeless with women and therefore don't get any action - it doesn't work like that for women. There are men not interested in sex but they are few and far between. Men only interested in sex with particular women are very common though.

It's a sweeping generalisation saying it doesn't work like that for women.

What issues effect men also effect women. If people have not met a partner they are compatible with for a relationship sexually there will be issues. Here the op and her parter don't appear to be compatible in sex drives.

Toots

OP the issue here isn't so much the frequency of sex, it's that you're not happy about it and he doesn't seem to care.

While once per month would, in my experience anyway, be quite low for a couple in their 20s, if you were both happy with that, then that would be fine. You're very clearly not happy with your sex life, have spoken to him about this several times, and he has been dismissive of it and doesn't seem to make any effort to change.

My advice would be to sit down and talk about it outside the bedroom. Suggest seeing a counsellor and see how that lands. If he listens and acknowledges that there's a problem, and wants to fix it, then it'd be worth working on the relationship. If he just dismisses you again after you've told him how this is affecting you, I'd be having a long think about whether or not you want to stay with him.

Dixie Chick

I think everyone has a differrent sex drive. What would annoy me about your situation OP is being told I was "overly horny". How would he like if you told him that he was whatever the opposite of that it. That is just shoving the blame onto your lap for the lack of his sex drive.