manipulating granny

LegacyUser

This is quite long and rambling but please bear with me, any advice would be welcomed. My Granny is a very domineering person, she raised me always reminding me I would have been in golden bridge without her, my relationship with my mother strained found out recently that was be when my mum married nanny told her it wouldn't be right to take me away from the only home I knew.

My wonderful granddad passed 5 years ago he asked me to take care of her as my uncle lives with her but he is a bit unstable used to bully granddad, I have been on the end of his fist more than once when I was a kid. That's what I've done cooking, housework taking her to every appointment she has, it wasn't a problem, my uncle is very unpleasant but she allows it in fact she enables him urges him on when he is ranting about neighbours coworkers etc. Two years ago he became unwell, medical conditions he wouldn't get seen to twenty years ago and now are a significant but not life threatening, he won't drive to the gp or hospital appointments so I would take him. Then he stopped going to the gp for let's call it maintenance care so every 8 weeks or so I was carting him to the a and e, sometimes in the middle of the night. I am only a niece he has siblings but they will only call me she huffs and puffs if I am not available will ring neighbours because she's a poor old woman no one will help. I have a family often I have to make arrangements for them to cater to them. My husband is fed up of the ever ringing phone. No one else will bring him to hospital and she won't ask anyone else, frankly I am tired I don't want a row but I am so resentful I have three kids I don't want him as a fourth I want to keep my promise to granddad but I don't want to take care of him. By the way he is only in his fifties should be well able to go to the go without his hand being held, before you all think I am cruel to a weak elderly man. In fact I think it's the expectation that I should drop everything every time that's getting me down. Am I being selfish maybe, I am so down about it my husband won't talk about it as he is fed up too.

Big Bag of Chips

Feelingtrapped wrote: »

they will only call me she huffs and puffs if I am not available will ring neighbours because she's a poor old woman no one will help.

So she huffs and puffs. Then what? Let her ask the neighbours. You can't run yourself ragged. Your grandmother is obviously a very domineering woman. But you don't live with her anymore. Physical distance is great and means you don't always have to be on call. All it takes is for you to not be available a few times and she'll ask others. You can guarantee she/he won't be stuck.

No one else will bring him to hospital and she won't ask anyone else

So they've asked others and they've said 'No'. So if others are entitled to say no, then you are too.
You just need to believe that.

LegacyUser

BBOC you are correct she won't be stuck last week I had dropped him to hospital for a procedure but it couldn't then be performed she rang me to go back for him but my car had broken down she got a daughter in law to do it and I was left to sort myself out. If I continue to allow them to take advantage, I have to share some of the blame, I naively thought she could see the pressure I was under but now get that it suits her and the uncle not to see it. Its really hard say no when the tears and threats start, like being told a long awaited appointment will have to be cancelled if I won't go. But you are correct, thanks I knew that but it needed pointing out.

LegacyUser

Your now adult, your married and have 3 children so you can't drop things to bring your granny to appointments and your uncle to a and e because he did not get medical attention in the past and refuses to look after himself now.

The reality is that you and your husband are both tired of this. You have to consider him and your children now. I know a man who was in your husbands position a few years ago and he eventully told his wife sort thing out because we have no home life at all. She realised that is was time to get the other relatives involved.

At this stage I would ring your other relatives and tell them what is happing. I would also say that your married with 3 children so you can no longer drop things so it is time for them to help there mother/uncle.

The next phone call needs to be answered by your husband who tells them your not there or not avaible as your doing homework with a child/gone to a parent teacher meeting ect.
In fact if I was your husband I would just say to them your married with 3 kids so why don't they ring another relation instead of annoying him and you. It is time that some one was that blunt to your granny.

Give them the numbers of the local taxi services so your uncle can get a taxi to the hospital ect. Tell them they can ring the other relatives if they need help.
Get a landline phone with an answering machine and let it pick up the calls. Change your mobile phone and don't ring them on your new phone.

If granny continues to ring you I would arrive over to her house with the 3 kids. Make sure the kids have had plenty of full suger coke, m and m's and let them run roit in her house.
The next time she ring to bring the uncle to a and e just tell her I will have the kids with me so you will have to mind them.

The truth is if they want help they can ring other relatives or the neighbours. You, your husband and children are entitled to your lives back and not to be at there beck and call.

I would also get in contact with the local health centre or their doctors and say that you would like a public health nurse to call to their house to see granny and your uncle. Let them know your uncle backround and that he refuses to look after himself.

LegacyUser

Hi long life thanks for your reply the public health nurse us currently attending my grandmother as she has varicose ulcer she couldn't be a more different person when she's around when I brought up the uncle nanny insisted that I fight with him don't understand him and that makes me feel a cow as she sobbed to the nurse. I have on other occasions contacted the gp or nurse as nanny will refuse to eat when she doesn't get her way and I am afraid honestly of being accused of neglecting her. The other uncles and their families who would be my age know the craic but claim they work I am only a housewife, look I am sick with worry I know I have to tell them to back off I am terrified if the fallout, the badmouthing etc.

Skibunny77

Granny's behaviour will only change when yours does Op if you follow the above advice, her own behaviour might escalate - you will get lots of emotional blackmail (all we did for you) and threats (you will kill us over the stress), etc. Prepare and steel yourself for that. Tell them what you can do every week/month and that you can do that once you're not being abused. They then have the choice over what you can do. Stick to that. Have that conversation with Granny first, then tell other relatives and stick with it, it is so important that you are consistent.

Teyla Emmagan

I also have an amazingly manipulative Granny who will pull every trick in the book when it comes to getting what she wants. And having someone you love crying and talking about elder abuse is very difficult to deal with. So I understand how unreasonable your Granny might be. But this is ridiculous OP. Looking after your Granny and bringing your uncle here there and everywhere are two different things. You promised to mind her, not him. Tell her that in future he will have to get the bus. Between them they are too used to you dropping everything for them.

And getting the community nurse in to see the pair of them is a good idea.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone your right for the record he drives has a better car than I do also a bus goes hourly from the local town to Dublin where he is attending, he won't go alone won't even speak to the doctor's just stares blankly at me I know it is to defer responsibility. I know what I've to do just wanted to know I wasn't being unreasonable, mods feel free to close this thread thanks again

Feelingtrapped

Feelingtrapped wrote: »

she raised me always reminding me I would have been in golden bridge without her, my relationship with my mother strained found out recently that was be[cause] when my mum married nanny told her it wouldn't be right to take me away from the only home I knew.

So your grandmother has been lying to you all your life. Your mother wanted you but that nasty woman manipulated her into leaving you with her.

Feelingtrapped wrote: »

My wonderful granddad passed 5 years ago he asked me to take care of her as my uncle lives with her but he is a bit unstable used to bully granddad, I have been on the end of his fist more than once when I was a kid ... my uncle is very unpleasant but she allows it in fact she enables him urges him on when he is ranting about neighbours coworkers etc

Your uncle bullied your beloved grandfather, beat you as a child and, presumably, your grandmother didn't have a problem with that.

Feelingtrapped wrote: »

he stopped going to the gp for let's call it maintenance care so every 8 weeks or so I was carting him to the a and e, sometimes in the middle of the night. I am only a niece he has siblings but they will only call me she huffs and puffs if I am not available will ring neighbours because she's a poor old woman no one will help. I have a family often I have to make arrangements for them to cater to them. My husband is fed up of the ever ringing phone. No one else will bring him to hospital and she won't ask anyone else, frankly I am tired I don't want a row but ... By the way he is only in his fifties should be well able to go to the go without his hand being held

Ah here. Let her ring the neighbours, let her ring other people, let him get himself to the GP. Why do you think YOU would be accused of neglecting her? They're not your problem. Let your grandmother's own kids look after her!

Feelingtrapped wrote: »

I have a family often I have to make arrangements for them to cater to them. My husband is fed up of the ever ringing phone ... I have three kids I don't want him as a fourth ... I am so down about it my husband won't talk about it as he is fed up too.

You need to put yourself and your own family first. Your extended family are treating you like a slave and they will continue to do so as long as you let them. Let it be known that you are not available anymore and the rest of them will have to deal with your grandmother and uncle.

Feelingtrapped wrote: »

I want to keep my promise to granddad

Look, I don't mean to be harsh but you don't owe your grandfather or any of these people anything. And surely your grandfather would want you to be happy.