Want to Leave Job (Bullying Issue)

LegacyUser

Hi all

here I go back on boards.ie about an issue that has been ongoing for awhile. Mods, if you think this issue has been too regular feel free to move/delete. I think getting it down on paper might be good for my head.

Going to try and keep things as vague as possible.

I work in a male-dominated industry and recently have passed all major exams to make me fully qualifies. I've been in a role now in current company for over 4 years and am beginning to feel increasingly isolated and bullied by my line manager. Behaviors include the follow:

1. Calling meetings about my work with senior level managers and changing the direction of projects last minute - then criticising me/giving me negative feedback due to things not going well for having changed things so much last minute
2. Giving other people on my team who passed exams a pay increase where I was given 2% (think they got somewhere like 10%)
3. If I say anything to other teams about anything at all about my boss it gets back to him and he takes offense. This can be a short comment like 'God, the wifi in here can be terrible' and him taking major offense to it and going mad at me
4. Organizing after work drinks with former employees and one or two selected from my team and not asking me
5. Having meetings in my current office with literally everyone but me and asking me to continue to work on whatever project I am because this isn't my area

Two weeks ago things became increasingly worse. I am currently working on a major project where a lot of money can be brought into the company. This could really mean night or day for the department and it was me who developed it and am managing it. I have other people reporting into me in relation to it. At a meeting, on front of the CEO, my manager said asked me how it was coming along which I replied to. I mentioned that those reporting into me were doing a fantastic job and deserve recognition. He then asks why I need so much support (this project is massive) which I was able to defend. He then says 'it seems like it's their project and not yours'. I lost it. I cried on front of him and the CEO. I am so embarrassed. So so embarrassed and still embarrassed.

My boss has been on leave since and I have no idea what to do. I need out of here soon. I have applied to numerous jobs and waiting to get word from them if I get called for interview. I am more qualified than anyone on my team (but could never do boss' job as he is a generalist - so it's not jealousy!). I think to be honest it's down to me being a woman but I have no idea... I have tried to put in more facetime, I've tried to do crazy hours of work (45-50 more often than not), brought in and saved loads of money (for my colleague's bonuses it seems) and now I cry on front of CEO and him. CEO has been working abraod but a few days afer the incident two juniors came in with a box of chocolates for me thanking them for being a good manager in this project... It's just all a bit mad.

I am caught because I have a mortgage and bought at a bad time. I can't leave until I get another job but I'm wondering should i start the formal complaint procedure or just ignore being bullied, be constantly anxious at work, and just keep working away. I am a really popular person in the company (apart form boss) and know my role inside out. It's such a shame because I love it apart form that.

Any advice here? Ireland is too small to create unnecessary bother

Tokyo

Your company sounds large enough to have a HR department that would be well versed in workplace behaviour. Have you considered speaking to them?? Certain things are out of the bounds of HR, such as after work drinks, but issues such as inconsistent pay increases, overwhelmingly critical feedback and constant berating comments are all things that could be brought to their attention.

If you truly feel bullied, then they should be your first port of call.

BetsyEllen

You absolutely need to lodge a complaint.
Even if you end up leaving to go to another job, why should he get away with how he has treated you? It's disgusting.

What was the CEO's reaction to your tears, were they sympathetic? Was your boss embarrassed at making you cry?

As the CEO has witnessed first hand the effect your boss has on you with his words, this could be good for your complaint.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for the replies, they are very helpful!

The company does have an HR department who are in another building on another side of town. They are OK but I have had very few dealings with them. I have considered speaking with them but I feel like if I do I start a process that I might regret further down the line. If you start a conversation with them does that mean that I'd have to continue? As in can I retract what I said and just vent... I'm not sure if I want this blown up into something in case I have to stay here for another year looking for a new job...

However, I've decided that if I find a job in the next few weeks I will still start the formal complaint procedure - I don't need a reference from him he is horrible. The CEO made no reaction just seemed a bit surprised.

I got an email from my boss last night apologising for the situation and telling me that it won't happen again. He didn't go into details and the email was very minimally put. I wonder had the CEO emailed him to put an apology in writing. It is asymptomatic though of a larger issue that I detailed in my first post...

I talked to friends who told me to stay put, ignore and just carry on but I feel horrible at work now. I just don't want to be here. I've meetings with the boss later this week that I am dreading.

BetsyEllen

OP_kkkkkk wrote: »

Thanks all for the replies, they are very helpful!

The company does have an HR department who are in another building on another side of town. They are OK but I have had very few dealings with them. I have considered speaking with them but I feel like if I do I start a process that I might regret further down the line. If you start a conversation with them does that mean that I'd have to continue? As in can I retract what I said and just vent... I'm not sure if I want this blown up into something in case I have to stay here for another year looking for a new job...

However, I've decided that if I find a job in the next few weeks I will still start the formal complaint procedure - I don't need a reference from him he is horrible. The CEO made no reaction just seemed a bit surprised.

I got an email from my boss last night apologising for the situation and telling me that it won't happen again. He didn't go into details and the email was very minimally put. I wonder had the CEO emailed him to put an apology in writing. It is asymptomatic though of a larger issue that I detailed in my first post...

I talked to friends who told me to stay put, ignore and just carry on but I feel horrible at work now. I just don't want to be here. I've meetings with the boss later this week that I am dreading.

You can go to HR at any time for advice relating to your job.
You can go to them and explain what's happening and ask them to tell you the steps involved if you do decide to lodge a complaint.
Once you have that info you can then decide what you wish to do.

They are obliged to keep your meeting confidential so if you do decide against proceeding with a complaint, your boss won't be told you ever considered it.

freshpopcorn

BetsyEllen wrote: »

They are obliged to keep your meeting confidential so if you do decide against proceeding with a complaint, your boss won't be told you ever considered it.

I'd be careful of totally believing this!

BetsyEllen

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I'd be careful of totally believing this!

Well yes that's true but look, if it does get back to him that might not be a bad thing!
The nasty f€ck needs to know that he's a bully.

HR is supposed to keep everything confidential.
If they don't then that's another complaint!

freshpopcorn

BetsyEllen wrote: »

Well yes that's true but look, if it does get back to him that might not be a bad thing!
The nasty f€ck needs to know that he's a bully.

HR is supposed to keep everything confidential.
If they don't then that's another complaint!

The OP has discussed this issue with friends and you've always to bear in mind that people can be better friends with other people than you relies.
So the info might already be floating about already.
I agree with what your saying just want to let the OP know it may not be an easy ride!

groovyg

Op its a horrible situation to be in and I don't know if HR is the route to go to be honest and I'm just basing that on incidents where I work where HR hasn't really been on the side of the employee.
I had a previous boss who saw crying as a sign of weakness and it was used against staff. I work in a larger organisation and in one department I know one person along with three of their colleagues who took a bullying case against their manager. Outcome of it was, they were moved to different areas and bully stayed in their position. A new overall Dept manager came in and instead of resolving the ongoing issues basically hired another manager to do bullys job and sidelined the bully to a different area.

From looking at your first post your boss doesn't like you, doesn't respect you, doesn't want you socialising with the team and is trying to isolate you. You now need to be careful what you say to people as everything gets back to your boss so obviously they can't be trusted.
You probably need to look for another job or have a look at whats out there, if you can't find something that's going to pay the same then you need to adapt a hard line attitude to dealing with the boss.

Its a ****ty situation to be in but until you find another job, all you can do is work the hours you are contracted to, stop doing crazy amounts of overtime and look for another outlet / hobby outside of work to de-stress so that you have something to look forward to when you leave the office in the evenings. If you like working in the company are there any other areas you could work in or are there any opportunities for promotion?

Big Bag of Chips

He definitely didn't send you an apology of his own accord, so somebody told him what he did was unacceptable and to apologise. I would say keep a diary or somewhere online where it can't be accessed of dates, times and incidents. You now have an apology and an acknowledgment by him that he behaved inappropriately and it won't happen again. If it happens again you can take it further.

He sounds like an arsehole. But it sounds like others realise he's an arsehole, so if you do make a complaint it is likely to be taken notice of and dealt with.

Fakediamond

I'd say you'll have to leave, not through your fault, but because he is an a**hole. The good thing is that the CEO now knows it too, and made him apologise, that's one up for you, at least.

Books have been written about how companies do not deal with incompetent managers, who demotivate their staff, who then end up leaving, it's so frustrating!

There's an excellent website I'd recommend called, bullyonline.org, it will help you to understand the dynamics of your awful situation.

As others have said, H.R. will, first and foremost,,protect the company, not an individual employee.

Get out and find a company that appreciates your talents, and leave it all behind you. A formal complaint will stress you out and exhaust you and, even if you win, the price might be too high to pay.

Best of luck to you.

pookie82

Sounds to me like the CEO had a word with your boss who, if I'm reading this correctly, was compelled to email you an apology even whilst on leave. Was his leave planned in advance, or sudden? Could he have been "advised" to take some time off? I can't imagine many CEOs taking kindly to seeing middle management drive a competent employee to tears in front of them.

I agree on the HR thing, I'm afraid. HR exist primarily to prevent a company being sued, and regardless of how much they whitter on about being there to support everyone, they do tend to side with long term managers over to-and-fro employees. Can't hurt to lodge a confidential note with them about the behaviour you're being subjected to, but don't expect it to never make its way back to him.

I'd probably have my sights on getting transferred out of his department and/or out of the company. Do keep an incident diary though. And demand an exit interview with HR when you're leaving to shop him, even if it's only for the sake of a future employee who raises a similar grievance.

OP_kkkkkk

OP_kkkkkk wrote: »

Thanks all for the replies, they are very helpful!

The company does have an HR department who are in another building on another side of town. They are OK but I have had very few dealings with them. I have considered speaking with them but I feel like if I do I start a process that I might regret further down the line. If you start a conversation with them does that mean that I'd have to continue? As in can I retract what I said and just vent... I'm not sure if I want this blown up into something in case I have to stay here for another year looking for a new job...

However, I've decided that if I find a job in the next few weeks I will still start the formal complaint procedure - I don't need a reference from him he is horrible. The CEO made no reaction just seemed a bit surprised.

I got an email from my boss last night apologising for the situation and telling me that it won't happen again. He didn't go into details and the email was very minimally put. I wonder had the CEO emailed him to put an apology in writing. It is asymptomatic though of a larger issue that I detailed in my first post...

I talked to friends who told me to stay put, ignore and just carry on but I feel horrible at work now. I just don't want to be here. I've meetings with the boss later this week that I am dreading.

The fact that you received said email while your boss was on holidays makes me suspect that the CEO or someone else had told him to do so. If the impression of him I have based on what you said is true, then he doesn't seem like the kind of person to bother his ass to email, especially when on leave.

Part of me suspects that the CEO was on BCC.

I'd say to keep doing what you're doing and the fantastic job you're doing and see how the boss is upon his return. If he is slightly different, then someone definitely whispered into his ear - if he isn't, then perhaps go down the HR route and even make out just how invaluable you are to the company and that if things don't change, then you're simply going to leave. Or else just keep applying.

Cupcake_Crisis

As has been mentioned, definitely keep a written record of his behaviour. But rather than bring it to HR, I'd try stand up to him. Tell him that you've had enough and won't be standing for any more of his bullying. Should he decide to fire you you'll have a record of how you were treated and could have a strong case for unfair dismissal.

It could be that he bullys you because he sees you as an easy target. Show him that you're not.

suicide_circus

I'd thank him for his apology and for the confirmation that it won't happen again but that if it does happen again you'll be taking it further. I know it's tough but you have to stand up to bullies, it's literally the only way, otherwise you'll be chased from company to company by these types. And HR depts are ALWAYS on the companys side but they are scared of bullying cases.

banoffe2

My heart goes out to you OP, I have experience of being bullied at work and I totally understand how it feels going into the workplace. I have seen very confident capable people being bullied, we know that the bully has issues but no excuse to take it out on others, he is obviously insecure and jealous of you competence, professionalism and results.

Well done, try to stay strong in his presence and keep the focus on yourself as difficult and all as it is, you are a human being and being reduced to tears in front of the CEO is more a reflection on the manager than it is on you, so please stop giving yourself a hard time about this. Don't give him the reward of a reaction which is exactly what he wants and desires, don't lower your standards and stoop to his level of communicating, stay professional at all times even referring to him by first name during the conversations.

Be kind to yourself and invest as much in yourself as possible to maintain and further boost your self esteem and self worth, you have got amazing results on the project and very positive feedback from other team members

Would you be ok about dropping a hint about this to him at the beginning of the meeting, not to counteract his bullying behaviour but purely to focus on the overall project results and to affirm your role and worth in the company, you don't need a response or clap in the back but simply to focus on personal achievements and the positive input it has on the company at large.

Regarding the email it is a positive step for you and undoubtedly the CEO has had a word in his ear. I wonder how much clarity it had in the content? Personally I would not thank him for the apology mail as I think in some way that it could give out a message that you accept it, also if he mentions it at the meeting or otherwise I would be very firm about stating that this is not for discussion at the present time, asking him to e mail any details he may have to communicate to you regarding this matter!!

I would refuse point blank to discuss any of the bullying issues with him without a witness as it is your word against his, take back the power and show him you are in charge, if needs be and he is not listening, what would happen if stated your speil regarding any unprofessional communication or comments in a calm, firm and professional tone, another option is to begin the meeting with something of that nature, like a pre requisite and make it clear that you will not continue if your request is not met, it is a basic requirement to ask for respect and dignity in the workplace.
There are no guarantees with any outcomes or with HR or complaints etc. just for toady you can change, I found that my body language was so important even if it meant faking that I wasn't rattled, it is a rotten feeling, I think you are fantastic in the way you are coping and handling things, you are doing a fantastic job, mind yourself and the very best of luck to you. That is only my opinion, you can and will get through this, stay strong. XX

Calhoun

First off never assume HR is there to help you most large companies HR is there to make sure that nothing damages the company.

Second bar the conversation in front of the CEO have you any other concrete examples . Like for example the pay thing are you on same rate as the other employees or are you being paid more as default ? The drinks thing he is under no obligation to invite you after work, especially if it's only one or two other employees he invites.

Just be very descriptive in any examples of you do go to HR, as what you have described above he could turn it around on you and say your a difficult employee and hard to manage.

tawnyowl

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

As has been mentioned, definitely keep a written record of his behaviour. But rather than bring it to HR, I'd try stand up to him. Tell him that you've had enough and won't be standing for any more of his bullying. Should he decide to fire you you'll have a record of how you were treated and could have a strong case for unfair dismissal.

It could be that he bullys you because he sees you as an easy target. Show him that you're not.

I'd be wary of standing up to a bullying boss (I've had some really bad ones), as the bully might become more aggressive in their mistreatment.

sReq | uTeK

Lawyer up....it's a joke an absolute joke that you enjoy received 2% and males in the same job 10%.

I'd be threatening a suit against that company.

Mongfinder General

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

He definitely didn't send you an apology of his own accord, so somebody told him what he did was unacceptable and to apologise. I would say keep a diary or somewhere online where it can't be accessed of dates, times and incidents. You now have an apology and an acknowledgment by him that he behaved inappropriately and it won't happen again. If it happens again you can take it further.

He sounds like an arsehole. But it sounds like others realise he's an arsehole, so if you do make a complaint it is likely to be taken notice of and dealt with.

Spot on. Now keep after him. Lodge a complaint. If he keeps being obstructive lodge go after the company for constructive dismissal.

Calhoun

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

Lawyer up....it's a joke an absolute joke that you enjoy received 2% and males in the same job 10%.

I'd be threatening a suit against that company.

Without knowing the full details of this i would be very cautious to go down this route unless leaving the job. Most large companies have individual development plans and pay increase are given based upon existing pay structure your own. If your already on a higher level you get less ect.

A Shaved Duck?

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

As has been mentioned, definitely keep a written record of his behaviour. But rather than bring it to HR, I'd try stand up to him. Tell him that you've had enough and won't be standing for any more of his bullying. Should he decide to fire you you'll have a record of how you were treated and could have a strong case for unfair dismissal.

It could be that he bullys you because he sees you as an easy target. Show him that you're not.

This is awful advice, it will allow the bully to play the victim ive seen it so many times how people twist situations.

OP you have an admission in writing that he as acted innapropriately, you are not under any obligation to accept his "apology", contact HR and lodge an official complaint with the email as evidence.

Its not your job to deal with this guy let the people that are paid to do this, if they dont address it take it to the next level.