Stuck in a bit of a rut

thegingerone

Hey

I'm having a problem and I'm not 100% sure what it even is. Let me set the scene. So I'm going out with my straight best friend (female) and during the dinner we talk about where we are going to go afterwards. She suggests the George at which I say no don't feel like it. I suddenly get anxious and defensive and can't even give her a straight answer as to why I don't want to go. She keeps persisting and I say I just don't want to go I won't be comfortable and would prefer a cafe and get a coffee. She then suggests she thinks there's something deeper going on with me. Honestly I have no idea. Generally I'm uncomfortable in bars, I'm socially very awkward. I'm in my early 30's and can't bring myself to walk into a gay bar. I've been out since I was 19/20 and just don't know why. Even dating is a problem. The only thing I can think of is maybe I've not properly accepted myself or something like that. Could really do with some advice. I think there's something seriously wrong with me if I can even feel comfortable going to a place where gay guys should feel extremely comfortable.

Peregrinus

There's nothing wrong with you. Lots of people, gay and straight, are not drawn to the pub/club scene, and some of them are positively uncomfortable in that environment. This is absolutely within the range of functional normality and it is not something you need to worry about.

Life is too short to spend your time doing things other people think you ought to enjoy.

nkav86

I'm 30, lesbian and have social anxiety. I can totally see why the George would make you feel anxious, its loud and full of people, some of whom are really judgemental.

Do you feel this way about going to straight clubs/bars or just the gay scene? If you're thinking it may be that you haven't fully accepted yourself, why not explore that and try get to the root of that issue. If not, there's the cafe in Outhouse on Capel st. It could give you the best of both worlds, gay scene (in a way) and a familiar cafe scene.

baby and crumble

TBH the george really isn't the best spot if you're over the age of about 25. I only go there on the odd night when there's a specific show on.

Have you gone to other gay bars, like Panti? It's much more relaxed, less "gay intensive" if you know what I mean?

wakka12

Bars just arent some people's thing. They're loud, busy, and make most people feel at least a little socially anxious and or a little bit scared of being judged. Its more likely that than anything to do with you not being accepting of your sexuality or anything to do with he venue being a gay bar, I would imagine. I was afraid to go to the george, but then again , I was generally very anxious of any party/club scene at the time!

thegingerone

Hi all thanks so far for the replies. I'm not even a fan of "straight" bars so to speak or bars in general. Not great in crowded situations with lots of people who are well tanked. I was always shy growing up and find it so difficult to mix. I've a very sociable job and need to disguise my anxiety on a daily basis and to then have the thoughts of going to a crowded bar terrifies me and makes me want to run away and hide. It's just me.

Regards to accepting who I am. Maybe so. My family never really accepted it. I came out young and it's rarely ever even brought up or discussed. If it wasn't for my friends I don't think id have ever been happy. They've been awesome. I know some friends who've gone for counselling and it helped. Maybe that is an issue I've to deal with.

jobbridge4life

thegingerone wrote: »

Hi all thanks so far for the replies. I'm not even a fan of "straight" bars so to speak or bars in general. Not great in crowded situations with lots of people who are well tanked. I was always shy growing up and find it so difficult to mix. I've a very sociable job and need to disguise my anxiety on a daily basis and to then have the thoughts of going to a crowded bar terrifies me and makes me want to run away and hide. It's just me.

Regards to accepting who I am. Maybe so. My family never really accepted it. I came out young and it's rarely ever even brought up or discussed. If it wasn't for my friends I don't think id have ever been happy. They've been awesome. I know some friends who've gone for counselling and it helped. Maybe that is an issue I've to deal with.

It sounds to me like you have an ongoing anxiety issue that isn't just contained to gay clubs. As someone who let their anxiety control them for a long time (and still does occasionally) I really recommend you talk to someone about it.

nkav86

jobbridge4life wrote:

It sounds to me like you have an ongoing anxiety issue that isn't just contained to gay clubs. As someone who let their anxiety control them for a long time (and still does occasionally) I really recommend you talk to someone about it.

Agree with this. Seeking help for my anxiety and confidence issues was the best thing I ever did. Your GP would be a great start to discuss the situation with, if you feel you might want help.

thegingerone

Thanks for the advice. Yes maybe it's time I do actually reach out and speak to someone. I can't always presume I hold the answers myself. I can't always fix my own anxiety. I appreciate what everyone has said here. You've no idea how refreshing it is to get this kind of feedback. I must add that it doesn't just extend to bars etc even supermarkets and shops of any kind. I cancelled a doctors app recently only because I could see from outside the waiting room was packed with people. I suddenly felt overwhelmed and felt I couldn't sit there with all of these people around me. Is this anxiety or am I losing the plot?

wakka12

thegingerone wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. Yes maybe it's time I do actually reach out and speak to someone. I can't always presume I hold the answers myself. I can't always fix my own anxiety. I appreciate what everyone has said here. You've no idea how refreshing it is to get this kind of feedback. I must add that it doesn't just extend to bars etc even supermarkets and shops of any kind. I cancelled a doctors app recently only because I could see from outside the waiting room was packed with people. I suddenly felt overwhelmed and felt I couldn't sit there with all of these people around me. Is this anxiety or am I losing the plot?

Sounds like pretty extreme anxiety . And it is easy for it to seem a bit 'mad' to people who have never experienced it, and cant understand where you're coming from.
Personally the scenario that you described would not upset me . But each anxiety disorder is different. Like I am very frightened of being stuck with people for long amounts of time in case of not being able to hold conversations with them. my friend, who Ive not much in common with today offered me a lift to the movie that we were going to see tonight with some friends. It was a 30 min drive so I actually declined the lift and ended up having to get two busses just because I was too anxious about the car journey and having to make conversation with him for so long! How crazy is that like!

Well thats just me. I cant do anything about. It makes some aspects of my life a lot harder than they need to be. Group convo's at lunch time everyday are absolute torture, every day . Im sure you and many others would find that weird, just one of the many types of situations that makes me incredibly anxious!

nkav86

Sounds like anxiety, gonna be careful not to diagnose anything here.... I get anxiety from everything. Walking past cars lined up in traffic, doc appointments, going anywhere on my own ( once got anxious about the walk to my mother's because there was a marathon of sorts on, so bad I cried for an hour and chickened out), going to stores I've never been in, café's alone, ordering food, talking to people, definitely pubs/clubs, clothes shopping..... The list is endless and it literally stopped my life. I needed help and luckily, I got it, I'm not perfect but I'm a damn site(?) better than I was. It's normal for anxious people to feel panicked at the most mundane situation, it's an irrational fear that can become bigger than we can handle, sometimes you need to get to the root of that fear to break through it.

JackTaylorFan

As many have said, it sounds like a certain level of anxiety is at play. There is also the chance you are just introverted and dislike those club/pub type environments. Personally, I hate anywhere I can't hear myself think - anxious or not