Crush on female boss

FestyOSemtex

Vsem privet!

Not sure if this is the right place to post this but here goes. Basically speaking, as the headline states, I have a crush on my female boss. A bit about me. I am in my late 30s, Irish, single and right now I am living and working in an Eastern European country (Russian speaking). I work for a big company and I like working there. I get on great with my colleagues and of course my boss. Life is good.

Anyway, about 6 months ago my permanent female boss went on maternity leave and my current boss stepped up into the role. We both get on great and have a great rapport. Out of the office we chat on facebook about work and non work matters. A bit about her. She is 40 y.o. never married, no kids and lives alone. She is attractive and in good shape. I am thinking of asking her out but I'm not sure what her reaction would be. This has been weighing me down for a while and I feel that I need to get this off my chest. I am also thinking about asking a colleague of mine whom I trust on what course of action to take. I know the possible pitfalls but is it worth taking the risk? Look forward to hearing your replies.

faceman

Oh God do nothing about this while you are working for that company. And don't tell any of your colleagues. You're in dicey territory. I've seen people disciplined for making advances on colleagues.

People should have the right to work in an environment without being hit on.

Even if you asked her out and she said no but didn't report it, the current relationship with your boss is going to be tarnished and possibly your career prospects limited.

Walter H Price

usually i would always advise to never sh!t where you eat OP , but your situation sounds a bit different your both single , and shes not your permanent boss , assuming your previous manager will be re-assuming her role once back from maternity leave , i see no reason why you shouldn't go for it.

But tread very very carefully all the same

redfox123

What will happen when your permanent boss comes back from maternity leave? Will your current boss go back to being your colleague or will she be leaving? I think this is the only chance that maybe something could develop. As it stands it would be a bad idea to ask her out. I think you should continue the friendship as it is, it sounds like she likes you but you will need to look for more indication that she would welcome you asking her out and if your feelings are in anyway reciprocated before you do.

silverharp

I have no experience in this but be very careful unless you can take or leave the job. It seems like it would be more trouble than its worth, if it happened your colleagues might resent you and I assume Eastern European offices are as gossipy as anywhere else also it might cause problems for her and you with her boss but you would know the local culture better. Also if you were shot down from the start would it not be very awkward to stay working there? Is the lady on maternity due back and would your current boss be moved to another position? if so it would be better to wait until that happens then she is just a colleague and it wouldn't matter so much.

Dial Hard

Absolutely do not ask her out while she's acting as your boss, it's hugely inappropriate and puts both of you in a horrible position.

When your permanent boss returns from ML and she vacates the role, then maybe revisit the idea.

FestyOSemtex

silverharp wrote: »

I have no experience in this but be very careful unless you can take or leave the job. It seems like it would be more trouble than its worth, if it happened your colleagues might resent you and I assume Eastern European offices are as gossipy as anywhere else also it might cause problems for her and you with her boss but you would know the local culture better. Also if you were shot down from the start would it not be very awkward to stay working there? Is the lady on maternity due back and would your current boss be moved to another position? if so it would be better to wait until that happens then she is just a colleague and it wouldn't matter so much.

My current boss is only in her position for another few months before my perma boss comes back from maternity leave. She will move back to a less senior position. Thanks for the advice fellas. It was invaluable.

Exclamation Marc

I would leave well alone if I were you as it may harm both your career and hers and your relationship if she just sees you as a good friend.

She may also be a career person and sees relationships as in the way of progression and her hooking up with someone she manages could stall her career (as she would most likely have to disclose it to HR) and it could cause problems for yours depending on how it's looked upon by her or by your superiors.

I've dated colleagues before and my approach is always to leave well alone unless youre sufficiently separated internally both physically and organisationally speaking.

B.A._Baracus

Not to go against the grain.... But I'd ask her out

Just be smooth about it if she says no. Like, just be honest and say you had your reservations about asking but decided to bite the bullet... You don't ask you don't get right? Then just be friendly as you both still have to work together.

If she of course says yes... Then woo hoo
But you're both adults so why can't two people in this scenario be mature about it.

Besides she's single now and won't stay single forever. If I put myself in your shoes I'd rather know her answer than be too late or regret never asking. Just play it cool if she says no.

Katgurl

I also don't see the problem with asking her out. I'd echo the previous poster's advice about acknowledging you have your hesitations and if it's a no make sure you don't let things be awkward.

Heat_Wave

All women love to be asked out, even if it's by someone whom they've no interest in.

I'd be extremely surprised if she were to report you. She would only report you if you were to harass her.

100% go for it. You live once.

ted1

From my experience with Eastern European & Russian women is that they can be blunt and forward and generally let you know if you should ask them out

December2012

Heat_Wave wrote: »

All women love to be asked out, even if it's by someone whom they've no interest in.

Nope

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I'd be extremely surprised if she were to report you. She would only report you if you were to harass her.

Nope again.

Op it's not appropriate right now. You could make her uncomfortable. She could report you.

It's just not professional. Maintain your friendship and see how things are when your boss returns.

Btw are you her preferred sexual gender?

Ursus Horribilis

Heat_Wave wrote: »

All women love to be asked out, even if it's by someone whom they've no interest in.

You can subtract me from that list of "all women". I have been asked out by men I didn't fancy and it was the most uncomfortable thing ever. I was once asked out by a man I saw only as a friend and that was the end of the friendship. Luckily he wasn't a close friend but I was never comfortable in his presence again.

professore

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You can subtract me from that list of "all women". I have been asked out by men I didn't fancy and it was the most uncomfortable thing ever. I was once asked out by a man I saw only as a friend and that was the end of the friendship. Luckily he wasn't a close friend but I was never comfortable in his presence again.

Wow .... Why? Unless he made some sleazy remarks or something, it's the most natural thing in the world for someone you don't fancy to fancy you. Can't understand that mentality. I've had it both ways and was still friends afterwards.

To the OP, wait until your real boss comes back and go for it.

Ursus Horribilis

No, he wasn't sleazy or anything like that. It's just bloody awkward when you have to reject someone you thought of as just a friend. I'm not unique in this either I might add. OP is free to accept or reject the advice given to him on this thread but I felt I had to give my insight.

Heat_Wave

December2012 wrote: »

Nope

Nope again.

Op it's not appropriate right now. You could make her uncomfortable. She could report you.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You can subtract me from that list of "all women". I have been asked out by men I didn't fancy and it was the most uncomfortable thing ever.

And this is what makes Boards a great place - everyone has a different opinion/experience.

I still think you should go for it OP.

Rachiee

Even for conpanies without a policy on work place relationships a manager and subordinate creates completely different dynamic and is completely inappropriate. If she values her job or takes her role in anyway serious she wont be able to go out with you. (Even if its not against the rules its extremely frowned upon)
Wait til she's moved back down then ask her out.

elefant

In every company I've worked for, her going out with you would necessitate one of you leaving your positions.

sReq | uTeK

Just wait.....it's not a long time in the context of things.

Exclamation Marc

Heat_Wave wrote: »

All women love to be asked out, even if it's by someone whom they've no interest in.

That's an awful generalisation. A lot of people find (guys and girls) find it uncomfortable.

Some women do, some women don't. I've seen two friends damage and effectively ruin friendships with others (one guy, one girl) trying to make something happen with their friends. The relationship is never the same again as the dynamic is irreversibly moved. It's absolutely not a risk free move.

Sound Bite

It would be inappropriate to ask her out while she is your boss.

If any of the men on my team asked me out, I think it would have a negative effect on their career as I think I would continually question their intelligence, professionalism and an ability to read situations.

johnnyryan89

You say ye get on well and are always chatting whether it be about work or non work stuff so why not just ask her to hang out as friends for the time being and when your pernament boss comes back and you still want to ask your friend out then do.

Vanhalla

Nonsense! all these replies about not asking her out! do it man, isnt that where most couples meet! if she is not interested, she will be flattered at least! eastern europeans/russians, they love the attention. go for it

Neyite

Mod:

Please stop with the mass generalisations of women.

ziggyman17

Vanhalla wrote: »

Nonsense! all these replies about not asking her out! do it man, isnt that where most couples meet! if she is not interested, she will be flattered at least! eastern europeans/russians, they love the attention. go for it

is it ****...............

Yourself isit

Lots of couples meet at work.

Of course you shouldn't ask your boss out but she won't be your boss forever. You should then ask her out.

Tokyo

Sorry OP, but you really only have two options:

1. Treat your relationship as a professional relationship.
   
2. Wait until a time where you both aren't working together, or at the very least where one person isn't the direct supervisor of the other and then ask her out.

Anything else is professionally inappropriate.

And for the love of all you hold dear, please don't ask a colleague about this. Whatever your intentions might be, it will be all over the office before the day is over.

homerjay2005

faceman wrote: »

Oh God do nothing about this while you are working for that company. And don't tell any of your colleagues. You're in dicey territory. I've seen people disciplined for making advances on colleagues.

People should have the right to work in an environment without being hit on.

im sorry,but this is shocking advice - theres a difference between copping a feel of your married boss at the christmas party and actually having a genuine connection with your manager as appears the case here.


i know plenty of people who have ended up with their boss at some stage and nothing has happened. the only people who can determine how this ends up is the OP and his manager.

best of luck OP, make a decision based on your own gut feeling and see how it goes. be careful and be 100% sure she has the same feelings though.

ManOfMystery

I work for a firm with 214 people. 

I'm married to a colleague who I initially got together with on a work night out. 
One of our Directors is married to one of his employees in his dept.
Another Director is married to a colleague in the same dept. 
I can name another 4 staff who are currently dating people from our workplace.

Dating a junior or senior member of staff in the same workplace is NOT the horror story that some may think, so long as you abide by a few rules - have respect for each other (which means accepting that 'no' means 'no' if she doesn't want to go out with you), be 100% professional whilst in the workplace & and leave the dating stuff for outside working hours, and don't make things awkward. In short, be an adult and act maturely. 
If you ask her out and she says yes, happy days. 
If you ask her out and she says no, don't make her uncomfortable and act all mopey for the next few months. Take it on the chin, make a joke about nothing ventured/nothing gained, and get back to talking work asap.