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To tell partner about affair

  • 31-01-2017 9:51pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 53 ✭✭wistfuleyes


    Two people have an affair for 8 months. One's married, the other has a long term partner. Affair breaks up..acrimoniously. Married person confesses to wife he's been cheating. Other party in affair never tells her long term partner, allowing him to live in ignorance of her affair. Should the long term partner be told that his OH spent 8 months of her life shag*ing someone else behind his back?


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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Depends who would be telling. A good friend then yes, someone who barely knows them then no.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 53 ✭✭wistfuleyes


    meeeeh wrote: »
    Depends who would be telling. A good friend then yes, someone who barely knows them then no.

    Should person who had affair tell former 'affair partner's' long term partner?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,260 ✭✭✭Irish_Elect_Eng


    Should person who had affair tell former 'affair partner's' long term partner?

    Jesus No...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 72 ✭✭sarahf2k16


    Should person who had affair tell former 'affair partner's' long term partner?

    So this person wants to tell the cheater's spouse after the affair has ended? Not fair if you ask my opinion. This person was happy to keep it a secret when it meant they could keep having the affair with the cheater. Sounds like revenge or bitterness as opposed to any actual genuine concern for the cheater's partner.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Should person who had affair tell former 'affair partner's' long term partner?

    Is the affair and hurting their own partner not enough drama in their life? It would be done out of spite and that's not a good reason to do something.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,420 ✭✭✭✭athtrasna


    I've never understood this obsession with telling tales. In this case it looks like revenge but more often than not it's interfering. Nobody knows what agreements people have made or what relationships are like behind closed doors.

    My general philosophy, and it applies here, is mind your own business and let others mind their own too.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 102 ✭✭promises


    No the fact that the affair is over, let that be an end to it. Why break his heart. Hopefully she has learnt her lesson and makes things work out with her partner.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008



    Affair breaks up..acrimoniously.
    Should person who had affair tell former 'affair partner's' long term partner?

    No, they are only doing it out of malice.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,907 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    No! The husband (you?) admitted to his wife and obviously went through all the pain and arguments that coming clean brought. I'm guessing your wife didn't just give you a peck on the cheek and say, "that's ok dear".

    If you tell the other party, it will only be because you want the wife to have to go through the same arguments, trouble and problems that you are now going through.

    Worry about your own problems. Your wife doesn't need you dragging your bit on the side back into her life. She's put up with enough.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22 Narkydonkey Whattado


    If I was in a relationship with someone who had had an affair, I'd want to know. Finding out from the ex-lover of my partner, who's doing the telling for all the wrong reasons, would be much more painful, than finding out from my partner (or a friend, or a complete stranger), but I'd choose that over not knowing at all.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,224 ✭✭✭Heat_Wave


    Who cares if it's out of bitterness or spite. The most important thing here is that the victim deserves to know.

    It sickens me the way everyone is telling the OP to keep it to themselves. You should 100% come clean. It is so insulting and horrible to take the p*ss out of someone like that. They deserve to know, and if you are the culprit, then you deserve whatever abuse and bad luck is thrown your way. Tbf.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Heat_Wave wrote: »
    Who cares if it's out of bitterness or spite. The most important thing here is that the victim deserves to know.

    It sickens me the way everyone is telling the OP to keep it to themselves. You should 100% come clean. It is so insulting and horrible to take the p*ss out of someone like that. They deserve to know, and if you are the culprit, then you deserve whatever abuse and bad luck is thrown your way. Tbf.

    I would not want to hear about the affair from someone who cheated with my partner. You might not agree with me but don't assume we all feel the same and want things to be done the same way.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,224 ✭✭✭Heat_Wave


    meeeeh wrote: »
    I would not want to hear about the affair from someone who cheated with my partner. You might not agree with me but don't assume we all feel the same and want things to be done the same way.

    So would you rather just 'never know'?


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,907 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I would say there are very very many people all over the country who "never know". Or often they know, but ignore it and pretend they don't. I would want to know if the person was telling me out of concern for me, not out of spite for my partner who they happily shagged for 8 months previously and only grew a conscience when their own relationship blew up in their face.

    The difference in intention is one person is telling you because they care about you. The other person is telling you because they want you and your partner to hurt as much as they and their wife are.


  • Posts: 0 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Mary Thankful Couch


    I'm always a proponent of telling because I'd want to know, and I find the "you're only doing it out of malice" arguments strange. They deserve to know regardless of motivations


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 83 ✭✭mad about nuts


    I agree they do need to know, but i dont agree with someone outside the relationship telling .....the person cheating should tell their partner,, only that way could you have any hope in rebuilding the relationship if its what both parties wanted.........


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,224 ✭✭✭Heat_Wave


    bluewolf wrote: »
    I'm always a proponent of telling because I'd want to know, and I find the "you're only doing it out of malice" arguments strange. They deserve to know regardless of motivations

    I completely agree with this. As I previously said, who cares about intentions. All I care about is the sad reality that my husband doesn't give a toss about me.

    And I speak from experience. This actually happened me last year. I woke up beside my boyfriend in bed and had a text on my phone from a girl claiming to have slept with him the previous week. He denied it to the ground. Approx two weeks later after constantly harassing him for the truth, he admitted that the text was true. Despite building a bridge and moving on (I will never forgive this behaviour again) the texts from herself continued. Long story short, he continued to cheat on me, and when I broke up with him, he went running to her and now they are both together! *rolls eyes

    So to summarise, I knew she was trying to break the two of us up because she was mad about him herself, but that part never bothered me, the fact that he was cheating on me, that's the part that infuriated and upset me. Would I have preferred them both to continue their little romance behind my back, absolutely not. Thank God I was told and was given a lucky escape. It would have killed me if I had found all this out a few years later as things got more serious.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,247 ✭✭✭milli milli


    meeeeh wrote: »
    Depends who would be telling. A good friend then yes, someone who barely knows them then no.

    To be honest they wouldn't be much of a good friend if the OP has been doing the dirt on them.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,525 ✭✭✭StudentDad


    Two people have an affair for 8 months. One's married, the other has a long term partner. Affair breaks up..acrimoniously. Married person confesses to wife he's been cheating. Other party in affair never tells her long term partner, allowing him to live in ignorance of her affair. Should the long term partner be told that his OH spent 8 months of her life shag*ing someone else behind his back?

    Frankly yes. His cheating gf has been lying to him for 8 months. He deserves to know what sort of woman she is. As it stands he's living a lie. His gf has no integrity (from what you've posted) and as such he's being used by her.

    SD


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Heat_Wave wrote: »
    So would you rather just 'never know'?

    Yes.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    To be honest they wouldn't be much of a good friend if the OP has been doing the dirt on them.

    That was not clear from op. My point is that you should only act when you know the other person well and when they trust you. I always think it's arrogant to assume the cheated person would feel the same as you would in the situation despite the fact you actually know nothing about them.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi there

    take it from me - tell them.

    I was in your situation before and I'd have told sooner if I had the chance. The partner in question obviously hated me big time but thanked me in the end for letting her know. Not knowing is always so much worse than knowing something.. Don't listen to people on here... the guilt itself is eating you (which some will say you deserve) but I have always been under the impression that the truth 'sets us free'.

    If you are doing it to protect your former lover's partner then go for it... if it's completely, 100% out of spite, then I would back off for awhile and return to the issue in a few weeks. There's no rush in telling the partner. Talk to your wife as well and ask her what she thinks. She might want the other partner to know as well.

    Each to their own and unfortunately there is no right/wrong answer with this one.

    Thanks


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,224 ✭✭✭Heat_Wave


    meeeeh wrote: »
    Yes.

    I find that incredibly sad (and unusual). Each to their own though.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Heat_Wave wrote: »
    I find that incredibly sad (and unusual). Each to their own though.
    But what you might think is sad is completely redundant because this thread is not about you but about someone you know nothing about. So wouldn't you think that if I might feel differently than you there is a chance someone else would too? Isn't a bit arrogant to assume one can interfere in the life of people they know nothing about?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,224 ✭✭✭Heat_Wave


    meeeeh wrote: »
    But what you might think is sad is completely redundant because this thread is not about you but about someone you know nothing about. So wouldn't you think that if I might feel differently than you there is a chance someone else would too? Isn't a bit arrogant to assume one can interfere in the life of people they know nothing about?

    I completely agree with you, hence I said 'each to their own'. I, personally, just find it sad that anyone would be happier to live a lie rather than find out the truth.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,525 ✭✭✭StudentDad


    meeeeh wrote: »
    But what you might think is sad is completely redundant because this thread is not about you but about someone you know nothing about. So wouldn't you think that if I might feel differently than you there is a chance someone else would too? Isn't a bit arrogant to assume one can interfere in the life of people they know nothing about?

    There are also other factors such as health issues to consider here (lack of integrity aside for the moment). The bf may contract an std from his 'faithful' gf. Assuming he's none the wiser. He deserves to know her sexual history so that he can determine if he's willing to accept that risk. She's spent the last eight months cheating. She may cheat with another person or persons. All the while exposing her clueless bf to possible stds.

    SD


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 281 ✭✭skankkuvhima


    The health reasons alone are worth telling this poor man OP. To not tell him is putting his health at risk, and for what?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    The health reasons alone are worth telling this poor man OP. To not tell him is putting his health at risk, and for what?
    Well considering the person telling was the party in the affair it would be much easier to just test themselves and then tell if need be.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,907 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I think it comes down to a personal choice, and the choice between telling the other person because you believe they should know, or telling them so as to specifically cause trouble in their relationship.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,525 ✭✭✭StudentDad


    I think it comes down to a personal choice, and the choice between telling the other person because you believe they should know, or telling them so as to specifically cause trouble in their relationship.

    Sorry that doesn't make sense. 'Cause trouble in the relationship?' What relationship? For the past eight months the gf has been playing offside without the knowledge of her bf. The only reason she stopped was because her affair went south. She ended her relationship when she did what she did. The bf needs to know what's going on so that he can make a decision about his life. As far as he knows he's in a committed relationship with his gf. That isn't the case. Her actions show this. On that basis, he needs to know what's what.

    SD


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,907 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Not everybody thinks the same though, SD. I've had this conversation with friends and the general consensus is, I'd want to know... But only want certain people telling me. As in my best friend or family member. Similarly I think if only tell in the case of an extremely close friend or family member. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. And if I thought only a select few knew and someone very close to me told me I'd be less humiliated than if some randomer told me making me believe that everyone knew except me. Now, everyone might know except me. But if I don't know that everyone knows then I won't feel humiliated. Do you know what I mean? Probably not!

    These type of posts pop up here all the time. And it's nearly always 50/50.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 83 ✭✭mad about nuts


    Two people have an affair for 8 months. One's married, the other has a long term partner. Affair breaks up..acrimoniously. Married person confesses to wife he's been cheating. Other party in affair never tells her long term partner, allowing him to live in ignorance of her affair. Should the long term partner be told that his OH spent 8 months of her life shag*ing someone else behind his back?

    [Mod Snip: mad about nuts - Welcome to PI/RI. Please note this forum is not here for our entertainment. If you don't have constructive advice to offer then don't post. Due to the nature of the issues in this forum cards and bans are regularly issued for posts similar in nature to yours. Thanks.]


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,907 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I'd question.. If the affair didn't break up, acrimoniously or otherwise, and it was still going on, would you feel the need to tell him? If you think he deserves better, then why did you continue an eight month affair with his partner? And did you admit it to your wife because she found out and asked you, or was it because she deserved to know that her husband had been shagging someone else for 8 months?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,130 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    I agree with Big Bag of Chips. There's an element of dishonesty/sour grapes in the former affair participant telling the other cheaters partner after the fact.

    There was no remorse or care for the partners during the affair, it's only now it's come to a bad end and **** is hitting the fan that their "conscience" is coming into it.

    If I was the partner in question, yes I'd want to know but hearing from the bitter ex-cheating partner would add to the mind-f**kery. Would you even believe the story of such a person? How would you know who's testimony to believe?

    Edit: if the OP is the cheated on wife who was told, that's a more credible source for that info. The cheater telling would just cause complication and be no help to anyone.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,525 ✭✭✭StudentDad


    Not everybody thinks the same though, SD. I've had this conversation with friends and the general consensus is, I'd want to know... But only want certain people telling me. As in my best friend or family member. Similarly I think if only tell in the case of an extremely close friend or family member. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. And if I thought only a select few knew and someone very close to me told me I'd be less humiliated than if some randomer told me making me believe that everyone knew except me. Now, everyone might know except me. But if I don't know that everyone knows then I won't feel humiliated. Do you know what I mean? Probably not!

    These type of posts pop up here all the time. And it's nearly always 50/50.

    Humiliated? Personally I wouldn't particularly care who told me as long as it puts me in a position where I know what's going on. Yes it wouldn't be pleasant. That's life. Frankly the gf in this unpleasant tale should have the bottle to come clean about the whole thing. That said, given her behaviour I doubt it.

    You never know the bf may forgive her. Whatever happens, continuing to lie to the man will just make things worse in the long run.

    SD


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,130 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    StudentDad wrote: »
    Humiliated? Personally I wouldn't particularly care who told me as long as it puts me in a position where I know what's going on. Yes it wouldn't be pleasant. That's life. Frankly the gf in this unpleasant tale should have the bottle to come clean about the whole thing. That said, given her behaviour I doubt it.

    You never know the bf may forgive her. Whatever happens, continuing to lie to the man will just make things worse in the long run.

    SD

    Your assuming the story would be believed. If it was me, and some total stranger came out of the woodwork to say "your partner cheated with me for 8 months and now that it's come to an unpleasant end I've decided to suddenly turn good samaritan and tell you" I would be incredibly dubious about their credibility.

    The partner would more than likely say it's just some lunatic making up stories. So who do you believe? Your partner or a stranger with dubious motives?

    I think someone other than the fellow cheater would have to be the bearer of that news.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,907 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    StudentDad wrote: »
    Whatever happens, continuing to lie to the man will just make things worse in the long run.

    SD

    Not necessarily. I'm sure there are people all over the country living happily in ignorance, with a partner who has decided to cop themselves on and never cheat again. If someone continues to openly and blatantly cheat on their partner they're more likely to get caught out. And I think a friend/family member should be the one to tell. I don't think it should be the scorned 'lover'.


  • Posts: 1,007 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    StudentDad wrote: »
    The only reason she stopped was because her affair went south.

    Weeelllll we don't really know that. All we know is that the affair ended "acrimoniously" and that the OP (her lover) wants to tell her partner.

    Maybe she broke up with him because she knew it was wrong and didn't want to do any more damage to her relationship.

    And for all the OP knows, maybe she HAS told him about it.

    I just think the fact that it's a (possibly) spurned lover wanting to do the telling changes things a bit and just because he's confessed, he wants to force things out in the open for her.

    Whatever about whether or not her partner should be told, I'd be very reticent in encouraging this particular OP to do the telling.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    It seems a bit, one got away with it, the other didn't. And it feels less than fair for one to get their normal life back, the other OP didn't.
    All actions have plus and minus points, there is no perfect way to act.
    I suppose your motivation behind your actions counts a lot. Why would you want to tell the partner of the person you were having an affair with? IS it for you or for them?
    You'll feel less guilty? You'll feel it more fair and even that both sides had to face the results of their affair? Or you really think he deserves all the facts. I wondered how I'd do this if I found out a mate's partner was cheating on them. I think I'd write a letter, not say my name or anything.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,525 ✭✭✭StudentDad


    Weeelllll we don't really know that. All we know is that the affair ended "acrimoniously" and that the OP (her lover) wants to tell her partner.

    Maybe she broke up with him because she knew it was wrong and didn't want to do any more damage to her relationship.

    And for all the OP knows, maybe she HAS told him about it.

    I just think the fact that it's a (possibly) spurned lover wanting to do the telling changes things a bit and just because he's confessed, he wants to force things out in the open for her.

    Whatever about whether or not her partner should be told, I'd be very reticent in encouraging this particular OP to do the telling.

    That's a sidestep :) How the affair ended isn't at issue. She was quite happy for eight months to pull the wool over the eyes of her bf. He deserves to know. Blissful ignorance as another poster has put it really doesn't carry much weight with me. He has been lied to, cheated on and put in a situation where he may have contracted something unpleasant. He is in the dark on this. Yes the op calling round for a chat wouldn't be pleasant but it would clear up alot of questions. He may even get a knuckle sandwich for his trouble. In the though if the bf wanted times dates etc they could be provided I imagine. The best course would be for the gf to come clean. Either way the bf needs to know.

    SD


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  • Posts: 1,007 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    StudentDad wrote: »
    The best course would be for the gf to come clean. Either way the bf needs to know.

    Ideally I would agree with you, I'm just not comfortable in encouraging the OP to get his pound of flesh :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    StudentDad wrote: »
    That's a sidestep :) How the affair ended isn't at issue. She was quite happy for eight months to pull the wool over the eyes of her bf. He deserves to know. Blissful ignorance as another poster has put it really doesn't carry much weight with me. He has been lied to, cheated on and put in a situation where he may have contracted something unpleasant. He is in the dark on this. Yes the op calling round for a chat wouldn't be pleasant but it would clear up alot of questions. He may even get a knuckle sandwich for his trouble. In the though if the bf wanted times dates etc they could be provided I imagine. The best course would be for the gf to come clean. Either way the bf needs to know.

    SD

    Says who? is there a law? Why do some think they can interfere in lives of people they know nothing about. What about mind own business and sorting own problems and not problems of people you don't really know. Is it so hard to understand not everyone feels the same and not everyone wants to be a pawn at the hands of insulted lover at worst or busybody with nothing better to do at best. I suspect that was amount of do gooders who don't know the injured party do it to make their own little lives more interesting and for benefit of themselves and not because they feel for cheated party.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    Wonder in most respectful way I can, just wondered, how do you feel OP about having had affair, guessing your partner was quite upset. Is that hard to think about?


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,907 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    StudentDad wrote: »
    She was quite happy for eight months to pull the wool over the eyes of her bf.

    As was the OP. He was also happy to pull the wool over the eyes of both partners. If he didn't think her bf deserved to know for the 8 months of the affair, why does he suddenly think he deserves to know now?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    I'm amazed at the amount of people who think it's morally fine to have a spouse in a relationship that is basically a sham, exposed to STDs, and dance on the head of a pin morally on what the intentions are of the person who tells them. A guy probably busting his ass making a living while his wife is out getting shagged behind his back. I guess that's the kind of moral compass you need to justify affairs in the first place.

    Also, the person telling them, their spouse already knows, so presumably he can provide proof of the affair to the victim - and they are a victim.

    And to the people saying "you don't know what agreements they have" - if they have an open marriage, then there is no issue telling them !!!!!

    I think the right of the spouse to know what kind of woman he's married to trumps anything else.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    Your assuming the story would be believed. If it was me, and some total stranger came out of the woodwork to say "your partner cheated with me for 8 months and now that it's come to an unpleasant end I've decided to suddenly turn good samaritan and tell you" I would be incredibly dubious about their credibility.

    The partner would more than likely say it's just some lunatic making up stories. So who do you believe? Your partner or a stranger with dubious motives?

    I think someone other than the fellow cheater would have to be the bearer of that news.

    Even if the cheater showed you a book of sexts, call logs, hotel bookings and boob shots (or whatever evidence they had) of your partner "in action"?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    professore wrote: »
    Even if the cheater showed you a book of sexts, call logs, hotel bookings and boob shots (or whatever evidence they had) of your partner "in action"?

    And enjoy every minute of it? Oh the smugness of the righteous.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,907 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I told someone once. I knew 2 people having an affair. One was married. I told her if she didn't stop I'd tell her husband. I had proof. In texts. They didn't stop. I told her husband. I showed him proof. I was told to mind my own business and I had probably taken the texts out of context!

    Those 2 people are still married and still plastered all over Facebook with people commenting on the happy couple, and "that's what true love looks like". :rolleyes:

    So proof doesn't necessarily mean you'll be believed. From now on, unless it's my family or closest friend, I won't be telling!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,130 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    professore wrote: »
    Even if the cheater showed you a book of sexts, call logs, hotel bookings and boob shots (or whatever evidence they had) of your partner "in action"?

    Ive never been in the situation thankfully, but I imagine being told by the other party would be a massive head wreck in addition to the infidelity itself. I imagine it would make the fallout far more damaging than being told by someone who actually had my best interests at heart.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,807 ✭✭✭Jurgen Klopp


    Jesus let him know, he would have a chance to get out before maybe havig kids and mortgage with her


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