Man I Was Seeing, Seeing Prostitutes

frolic

Someone I have been seeing since May 2016, who said he wanted monogamy, was hiding some secrets.

I found out he has unprotected sex with prostitutes and will be going on vacation this weekend with another gal to Liverpool. He admitted to me he has unprotected sex with her and that they've been "friends" for two years.

Him and I got tested together this week, but results will not be in until two weeks. I have to make another appointment to get a test for HPV though. Last time I was tested, I was told I am HPV free.

I've chosen not to contact her as I don't want to seem like a drama starter but ****, I do question whether or not I am taking the best approach. I feel terrible for her; he said he makes sure not to tell her of other women, inorder to keep the sex unprotected.

Some female friends say I am making the best decision and that it's her problem, while others say I should tell her because she is at potential risk with wool well over her eyes.

My question to you ladies: what would you do in my position? This has been eating me up on and off today.

frolic

I tried deleting this and moving it to the personal issues section, but when I clicked to delete, a notice came up saying I don't have permission to delete threads. Apologies if this is in the wrong place. Figured it'd be appropriate as I'm looking for feedback, particularly from ladies.

sullivlo

frolic wrote: »

I tried deleting this and moving it to the personal issues section, but when I clicked to delete, a notice came up saying I don't have permission to delete threads. Apologies if this is in the wrong place. Figured it'd be appropriate as I'm looking for feedback, particularly from ladies.

mod

I'll move that for you now.

PI charter now applies.

Skibunny77

Hi Op, if your partner has an infectious disease, the clinic will work with him to notify all previous partners who may be at risk. If you are worried that he won't be honest, contact the clinic, leave her name and details and they can take it from there. I would definitely share this information if he has a positive diagnosis.

Airyfairy12

Tell her! why are you protecting him? I can't understand women who don't look out for other women. It might not be 'your problem' but I think you should have the moral decency to contact the girl and tell her exactly whats been going on so that she can get herself checked, prevent any future potential infections and so she can get away from this absolute scumbag excuse of a man. He is literally putting people's lives and health at risk for his own enjoyment and youre going to protect him and turn a blind eye while he continues to subject this girl to potential life threatening or at the very least life destroying diseases and infections. If she contracts something and ends up infertile or damaged in some way thats all on you because you knew exactly what was going on and didnt have the decency to tell her she was at risk. Regardless of if your tests come back clear you should still inform her and do it soon. Lots of people dont get any symptoms from STI's, the longer it goes untreated the more damage it does.

Felix Jones is God

OP, you say a man you have been seeing since last May....You don't mention that you have finished the relationship.... But I hope you have .

As for the other woman... Whether you know her or not, you have a duty to tell her....
If the shoe was on the other foot, wouldn't you want to be told that your boyfriend of 2 years was seeing another woman and prostitutes and putting your health at risk?

ted1

Emm are you still with him and if so why?

Turtle_

You have to tell her.

He sleeps with prostitutes, he has two girlfriends that you know of, and has unprotected sex with this girl. You have to let her know. No blame game rubbish about the multiple partners, just facts. It's waaaay too serious a health risk for her.

Would you be able to live with yourself if he's clean now, but within a year had contracted HIV and passed it on to her? Knowing that you could have prevented that? Some people might not judge you in that situation, but I would.

It's clear as day. You know that she is at risk and you need to tell her.

sReq | uTeK

I hope you meant to day a man I "WAS" seeing.

Christ almighty

frolic

Thank you for the responses.

The last time we slept together was this Wednesday, but I have gotten tested. We actually scheduled to get tested at the same place, at the same time. Bad idea, yes, and I need to never sleep with him again. His tears, his promise to change do mean little as this secret was hidden for nearly a year without his conscious caving in. I should never feel so isolated/lonely and lacking intimacy as to sink as low as having sex with someone who lies and keeps secrets as big as putting people's health at risk. Since being an immigrant, the lack of human interactions bothered me but I'd rather have only acquaintances than be close with someone who though acts kind to my face and gets along with me well, only using my body. Isn't easy for me to shake every feeling I had for him so quickly; I spent the majority of my free time with him. Maybe that played apart in sex and cuddling this week? Either way, some soul searching is in progress and this incident, I will learn from.

As for the other chick, I don't think they're in, to her knowledge, a monogamous relationship or so he says. She lives in the UK and he went from saying just a friend to just friends with benefits, to she may have feelings for him but it is obvious with how he doesn't see her frequently that he has sex with other people. He said they rarely communicate these days. Could very well be a lie, as his monogamy towards me is, but not knowing if they are just sex friends is why I am reluctant to contact her. I mean, just a sex friend should always be using a condom any way, right? Oi, now my conscious is weighing in and I think I really should warn her.

athtrasna

So he's effectively been cheating on her with you, or vice versa? Monogamous means no other people, you can't have monogamous sexual relationships with two people.

Don't warn her but for the sake of your physical and mental health get out of this "relationship" and don't look back

frolic

athtrasna wrote: »

So he's effectively been cheating on her with you, or vice versa? Monogamous means no other people, you can't have monogamous sexual relationships with two people.

Don't warn her but for the sake of your physical and mental health get out of this "relationship" and don't look back

Yeah, he lied about our monogamy but I don't know what is going on, on their end. Probably not monogamy given the distance and infrequent hang outs. Yes, I am putting our relationship to an end. Too my risks and lies. I don't want to waste anymore time on someone who has little regard for others.

Thank you for the advice.

Parchment

Dump him and get tested.

pc7

I really hope you get a clean bill of health from your tests. Let it be a steep learning curve to not sleep without protection unless you've both been tested and can trust him. Kick that scumbag to the curb, how did he tell you? Seems strange after a so many months he admitted to being with prostitutes. I have to say my blood ran cold thinking he'd slept with other people without protection and then you, he's an absolute scummer.
Please warn the other girl and then delete his number and block him.
Best of luck op

njs030

frolic wrote: »

Yeah, he lied about our monogamy but I don't know what is going on, on their end. Probably not monogamy given the distance and infrequent hang outs. Yes, I am putting our relationship to an end. Too my risks and lies. I don't want to waste anymore time on someone who has little regard for others.

Thank you for the advice.

You're simply guessing his relationship status with someone else, plenty of people have long distance relationships. If he lied to you he could lie to her.

Just tell her and walk away.

frolic

pc7 wrote: »

Kick that scumbag to the curb, how did he tell you? Seems strange after a so many months he admitted to being with prostitutes.

We both got tested in May and since he was over every Fri-Sun, even Mon morning, I figured he was actually monogamous. He would mention that he saw no one else whenever I would ask so didn't think to doubt him. I found out my ex husband has a baby, impregnated a woman while we were still "working on things" so I bluntly asked the prostitute banger if he lies to me too. That's when some of the beans spilled. It wasn't until this week did I receive more details.

I deliberately didn't see him outside the purpose of getting tested together(night clinic, no buses running), blocked him, have no good reason to contact him again, and I did inform the lass via facebook a few moments ago. May come across as a psycho ex, but in reality her health has been on my mind and who knows if wool is well over her eyes, as it was with me. I'm not trying to put a wedge between them, but rather hope she plays it safe. Maybe there's hope for recovery for him? It's her call what she will do now, but I've experience with liars and cheaters. It never ends well, even when they beg, cry, and promise a change. Not something I will stick around for though we've had brilliant times.

I found it relieving to see that the majority on here agreed to inform her. Was contemplating if that's getting too involved.

An opportunity for me to grow is being embraced and may we all learn something from our mistakes.

December2012

You have been dealt a crappy hand, and you did the best you could with it.

Well done. You did the right thing

You say you are isolated? Maybe you could find some friends to meet up with in immigrant groups (if you would prefer this?) or on meetup.com

Emme

OP you were right to tell the other girls.

If you had unprotected sex with him on Wednesday you may need to have a HIV test in a few months time.

pc7

Fair play on contacting her not easy, really hope things improve for you. There are really nice guys out there too.

Airyfairy12

frolic wrote: »

We both got tested in May and since he was over every Fri-Sun, even Mon morning, I figured he was actually monogamous. He would mention that he saw no one else whenever I would ask so didn't think to doubt him. I found out my ex husband has a baby, impregnated a woman while we were still "working on things" so I bluntly asked the prostitute banger if he lies to me too. That's when some of the beans spilled. It wasn't until this week did I receive more details.

I deliberately didn't see him outside the purpose of getting tested together(night clinic, no buses running), blocked him, have no good reason to contact him again, and I did inform the lass via facebook a few moments ago. May come across as a psycho ex, but in reality her health has been on my mind and who knows if wool is well over her eyes, as it was with me. I'm not trying to put a wedge between them, but rather hope she plays it safe. Maybe there's hope for recovery for him? It's her call what she will do now, but I've experience with liars and cheaters. It never ends well, even when they beg, cry, and promise a change. Not something I will stick around for though we've had brilliant times.

I found it relieving to see that the majority on here agreed to inform her. Was contemplating if that's getting too involved.

An opportunity for me to grow is being embraced and may we all learn something from our mistakes.

Good for you, you had a lucky escape from this guy

sReq | uTeK

[Mod snip - from history you know that if you don't have constructive advice then just don't post, remember a ban is next on the list for you - Taltos]

DanielODonnell

You need to question the morality of the man, I am someone who was toying with seeing prostitutes a few years ago but I never went through with it as I managed to scrape up some self respect in my soul

Pawwed Rig

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I can't understand people who don't look out for other people.

fixed your post

Airyfairy12

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

fixed your post

Seriously? whats wrong with "women looking out for other women"? I cant see how thats against any forum rules?

TherapyBoy

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Seriously? whats wrong with "women looking out for other women"? I cant see how thats against any forum rules?

I think Pawwed Rig was just acknowledging that STD's don't recognise gender boundaries & in these situations men need to be looked after too. We should all be looking out for each other.

professore

When someone says in a relationship out of the blue and repeatedly they would never cheat, cheating is evil, monogamy is important to them, a whole sea of red flags go up. Often it's projection. OP you need to dump this scumbag yesterday. He's a sociopath and a narcissist.

Go join some meetup groups and meet some friends with no romantic intent. Go have some fun.

Pawwed Rig

TherapyBoy wrote: »

I think Pawwed Rig was just acknowledging that STD's don't recognise gender boundaries & in these situations men need to be looked after too. We should all be looking out for each other.

Exactly. If I was to come on here and use the phrase 'bros before hoes' I would be rightly slated. I don't see why the poster sees one gender as more deserving of protection than another. Strange statement imo.

milli milli

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Exactly. If I was to come on here and use the phrase 'bros before hoes' I would be rightly slated. I don't see why the poster sees one gender as more deserving of protection than another. Strange statement imo.

I think the 'women looking out for other women' wasn't meant as a sexist thing. Its just sometimes instead of women supporting each other, there can be bitchiness and back-biting.
Generally as we become more mature, there's less of the bitchiness. Generally speaking, not in all cases unfortunately.

Also since this woman was the 'other woman', a reflex action might be for the OP, to not give a crap about her. But she took the higher ground and informed her.

It would be good for you OP to extend that same kindness and respect to yourself. Take care

frolic

milli milli wrote: »

I think the 'women looking out for other women' wasn't meant as a sexist thing. Its just sometimes instead of women supporting each other, there can be bitchiness and back-biting.

That's exactly where I was coming from, not being sexist.


After all that fretting and finally telling her, she read the message but had no response. I had various feelings towards her chosen reaction, but now I think it is perfectly fine. Atleast I did my part in trying to protect her health and no guilt exists over not informing her. It's all good; I don't need closure from her, though it would of been nice, as unprotected sex with prostitutes while claiming monogamy with me is all the closure I need. Going to a meeting tonight as I've been feeling depressed and well, surely next time will be different if I take the time to notice red flags.

Thank you everyone for contributing to the thread. I was very stuck in what to do and what the result of doing so may be. I couldn't sleep one night, ridden between guilt and some sense of pride. Like, I didn't want to come off as psycho ex trying to ruin their good time.