what's wrong with me

strawberryjams

I am a 20 year old girl and have hated myself for as long as I can remember.
I've been in and out of counselling and on and off anti-depressants since I was 15. I have never felt any changes or improvement in moods from taking anti-depressants, but I do find the counselling and having someone to talk too is nice. I think I'm still a rational and functioning person in some ways - I'm in third year in college, have two jobs (part time) and pay my own rent etc. Emotionally I think there's something wrong with me. I didn't have parents who showed affection, they weren't kind and I never 'learned' to make friends (I played with my class in primary school but couldn't invite people over to my house and was always taught not to trust anyone or believe anyone who complimented you/wanted to be your friend, and I didn't have any friends in secondary school which was awful) . I live alone now (when I was 18 I did live in student accommodation with others and really tried my best for a year and a half but found it very very hard and knew realistically I was a burden to the rest of them in the house because I'm so difficult.) 
I think the only thing I am good at is surviving, I got into college and I am good at job interviews and making small talk. On a personal level I feel nothing towards people but inside I'm really desperate to find friends that I connect with. I have tried clubs and societies at college, I have gone on nights out with people I work with and I just can't properly explain the 'blank' feeling that I have. I can put on a front and chat away to people but I feel like a nasty person because I know that I'm being fake. I have read some things about attachment problems etc. from having difficult parents but my counsellor is just the free university service and it's hard to get into depth about things like that - it's just a 'chat' more than anything. I used to use tinder a lot and have a lot of sex because I used to think it would make me feel something but I've stopped doing that now.
Sometimes I can't see myself keeping this up for much longer and just think there's no point if I'm going to be like this forever. I feel so severely detatched and paranoid and different from everyone and angry at my parents and everyone around me who didn't take me out of the situation when I was younger. I know I can't go back and change things but right now I just feel like I have given it my all at this stage and I am just not fixable.
I know people can't give medical advice but it would be nice if there is someone who has felt like me and has tips for how to change?

Have you been to CBT?

babi-hrse

As someone who basically had a difficulty of my own and being felt like I was judged on it I just got on with it and grew a tough shell.
I never fully connected during secondary school distanced myself halfway through and afterwards didn't really know how to reconnect. I expected everyone to let me down as they had been doing for so long it seemed easier to expect it. As I got older I just seemed to decide who I was and was past being judged on account of the shell I put on. I too was numb and indifferent like if I saw someone crying cause they had a break up I'd say I'm sorry to hear that there there but inside I was looking at them like they were weak and they let their guard down too much. So I could pretend I cared but inside I was blank too.
All that started to change in the unlikeliest thing.
After I adopted a doggie I really cared about that doggie and imagined different scenarios like someone trying to hurt the dog and I knew I cared about something that wasn't family or myself. I talked about common dog things with other dog owners and I adopted a just say it out straight approach. Hopped on a few different pof and tinder before I found a person who was compatible and have never been happier.
I would say go on pof and give tinder a miss. Your not gonna know much about a face swipin past.
Maybe get a few things wrote on it that says your not your typical happy head and you wouldn't mind finding someone similar and accepting of that.
A pet could help although you might not have the space or time to mind a pet.

combustible

do you want to make friends, or do you just feel like you have to?
friends are nice to have, but some people can do fine without having anyone they consider close. however, given that you don't seem close to your parents, and haven't mentioned any siblings, it probably wouldn't be any harm to know some people you could call/reach out to if you're ever in any kind of worse-case scenario.

what are your interests? are there any books/tv shows/music/films etc you really like? start a blog or a twitter and see what happens from there. there's plenty of online communities where you can have all the fun of friendships without some of the hangups :P
you said you live alone, maybe signing up for a martial arts/self defence class would be a good way to meet people or learn to feel a bit better about yourself? a pet cat might be a good option if your on your own and don't have the time to walk a dog.

i think with the emotional/affection thing, it's a bit of a catch-22 scenario: a person would need to be somewhat emotional/affectionate to make friends, but if a person never had or has difficulty making friends, it can be hard to know exactly what that is. you're right to be angry with your parents.

Chakra Khan

Hi Strawberryjams,

I don't think there's anything wrong with you bar you're lonely and feeling down. You're not a nasty person for trying to get on with people when you don't feel like it, we all have to put a face on when we're with people we really dont' connect with. You can't care about everyone. It sounds like you've had a tough time but you say you're very good st surviving and this will take you far.

Like another poster mentioned, perhaps come off tinder and the online dating for the moment. These seems to be compounding your emptiness and I think they would drain the soul of anyone to be honest.

Why don't you take time to get to know yourself and don't worry connecting with other people just yet. Find things that will fulfill you and follow the things you would like to do. When you're being true to yourself and acknowledging where you are at at the moment then other things will fall into place. It's good that you're seeing a counsellor as you need someone to talk to.

Not to be patronising but you're very young and you have lots of time to figure this out. I thought there was something wrong with me for a very long time and really struggled like you are now. There was nothing wrong with me, I'm a good person and I did find connections in the end. I tink thinking there was something wrong with me and acting accordingly actually put a barrier between me and other people.

You're not difficult, you just have your ways and you have things to figure out. Perhaps you like your own space and are a bit of an introvert. That's ok, you just have to be you and do the best you can at being you.