Weight gain in relationships

team_actimel

A friend of mine recently remarked that if her boyfriend mentioned anything about her weight/weight gain she would consider breaking up with him.
Anyone else think this is a bit extreme?

This seems to be the elephant in the room (pun unintended ) in a lot of relationships where one partner avoids that topic like the plague even if it is affecting the relationship/person's health.

gobo99

If you can't lift her don't shift her.

_Brian

It's not a relationship if you can't talk about something. Everything needs to be open for discussion.

Parchment

If i thought it was affecting my partners health - sure I would mention it. But I don't think I would be with someone who wouldn't realise when they were overweight, seems a bit silly.

I personally don't like any comments about my weight from anyone.

RobertKK

Maybe he should cheat on her because she would rather be told lies.

osarusan

team_actimel wrote: »

A friend of mine recently remarked that if her boyfriend mentioned anything about her weight/weight gain she would consider breaking up with him.
Anyone else think this is a bit extreme?

You can go down the line of 'it's my body and that's that' (not just about weight gain, could be tattoos, cosmetic surgery, etc) but a partner can also go down the line of 'I don't want to go out with somebody with a body like that.'

pumpkin4life

If you're in a relationship, it's your job to be as physically attractive as possible for her and vice versa.

Sounds like she's completely up her own backside imo.

PoorAuldDivil

The notion of weight talk being off-limits in relationships is ludicrous. Weight gain/loss (though mostly gain) have massive effects on confidence, interest in sex (from both parties), ability to do activities, lifestyle compatibility etc, etc.......all important parts of a relationship. A former partner of mine once let it out bluntly to me that my weight-gain (at the time) had lessened their interest in me. That kind of honesty is whats needed in relationships.

silverharp

she sounds a bit sensitive but its her choice however I think its perfectly reasonable for a guy to dump a girl who has put on noticeable weight since they started dating.

Mr. Incognito

team_actimel wrote: »

A friend of mine recently remarked that if her boyfriend mentioned anything about her weight/weight gain she would consider breaking up with him.
Anyone else think this is a bit extreme?

This seems to be the elephant in the room (pun unintended ) in a lot of relationships where one partner avoids that topic like the plague even if it is affecting the relationship/person's health.

Fat and Single.

Always a great combination.

Parchment

silverharp wrote: »

she sounds a bit sensitive but its her choice however I think its perfectly reasonable for a guy to dump a girl who has put on noticeable weight since they started dating.

That's strange - so what if they gained weight due to stress/medication/bereavement . What if they lost a lot of weight due to cancer/anorexia (i had anorexia for many years and my boyfriend didn't dump me) ?

Dump?

GingerLily

It all depends on the context, I've seen a guy slagging off his pregnant wife in public over her pregnancy weight gain and it wasn't pretty, everyone in the room tried to laugh it off but it was very unpleasant.
(the women in question would be about 8 stone usually and I'd hazard a guess doesn't have a good relationship with food and weight as it is).

brevity

If it's bone laziness then it's an issue imo. However if it's a medical issue then a different approach might be required.

Faith+1

Well they say Wedding Cake is the fattest food.

silverharp

Parchment wrote: »

That's strange - so what if they gained weight due to stress/medication/bereavement . What if they lost a lot of weight due to cancer/anorexia (i had anorexia for many years and my boyfriend didn't dump me) ?

Dump?

that is exactly what I meant :rolleyes: , just the vanilla I have you now so I am not going to look after myself. I'd see it a sign of laziness or entitlement

ChikiChiki

I don't like a partner who doesn't look after themselves. By that I mean eat right, exercise and respect their body. My GF was putting on a few pounds and I mentioned it to her. Likewise she mentioned it to me. It's not a big deal and I'd rather be told than let myself get uncontrollably out of shape.

Being attracted to each other is important in relationships.

Parchment

ChikiChiki wrote: »

I don't like a partner who doesn't look after themselves. By that I mean eat right, exercise and respect their body. My GF was putting on a few pounds and I mentioned it to her. Likewise she mentioned it to me. It's not a big deal and I'd rather be told than let myself get uncontrollably out of shape.

Being attracted to each other is important in relationships.

but how can you not realise you are putting weight on? i find that strange.

The Rape of Lucretia

Its one of those things that is best to have clear and sorted right from tge beginning, and surprising that so many prenups still do not include it. It clarifies expectations, and the getouts and their details are fully understood from the off. Which in itself, does a lot to help that the clauses are never triggered, and helps a long and happy marriage.

Stonedpilot

Never mention your missus weight, if you have a big problem with it well you know where the door is. Always trouble when it's brought up and in fairness many men put on weight too in relationships, know I do!.

Cee-Jay-Cee

team_actimel wrote: »

A friend of mine recently remarked that if her boyfriend mentioned anything about her weight/weight gain she would consider breaking up with him.
Anyone else think this is a bit extreme?

She should consider herself lucky that he hasn't dumped her fat ass!

She might say she'd consider it but I'll bet wouldn't go through with it as she could find it difficult to find someone else to replace him, especially if her weight gain has become a problem. He's still with her despite her weight gain, she shouldn't be so confident that she'd be the one doing the dumping. If he were to ever bring it up then it'd be because he's having difficulty with it and so she's the one that could find herself dumped.

biko

The amount of fit chicks I see with pasty red-faced blobs for men is quite disgusting.

IamtheWalrus

It's a tough one and should be dealt with sensitively. On the one hand folk might say 'oh, the person will already know they've put on weight and don't need reminding'. But some will notice and not think it's an issue.

I think it's reasonable to be annoyed by weight gain because when you agreed to commit to the relationship, your other half has since changed. Maybe you wouldn't have entered into that deal if you'd known what was in the post.

I think if you're unhappy with weight gain of the OH, you'd only judge the OH by your own standards - you wouldn't do it to them. So if they did, do you really know that person / were you ever compatible?

Olishi4

I suppose it depends on the situation but I see no harm as long as it's said tactfully so as not to hurt the other person.

I saw this 70s song on a music channel a while ago. Maybe don't approach the situation as straight up as Joe Tex does though

Knex*

team_actimel wrote: »

A friend of mine recently remarked that if her boyfriend mentioned anything about her weight/weight gain she would consider breaking up with him.
Anyone else think this is a bit extreme?
.

I'd argue that she deserves to be single if that's her attitude.

GingerLily

I've witnessed a good bit of bullying in relationships relating to food and weight gain, I can see how someone would refuse to allow their partners do this, especially in public.

This is of course different to having an honest conversation about putting on an unreasonable amount of weight.

ChikiChiki

Parchment wrote: »

but how can you not realise you are putting weight on? i find that strange.

I do but dont mind being told. For me the sign im putting on weight is when I'm running down the stairs and I feel the skin around my nipples begin to jiggle. Basically the onset of moobs. It's back to the gym time then.

benjamin d

A previous relationship of mine ended in a small way down to weight gain.
She put on a reasonable amount of weight, which in and of itself wasn't the issue. What was problematic was that because of the weight gain her confidence plummeted, she wouldn't relax around me, wouldn't be undressed around me, moaned about needing to eat right and exercise more ALL the time without actually doing it. She was just a different person completely from the one I first met.
I tried the softly softly approaches of suggesting we cook something healthy or start walking or exercising together or cutting back the nights out but it didn't work.
It's a serious strain on a relationship.

Gunslinger92

I ended a very long relationship and I ain't gonna lie, he had put on a ****ton of weight and it played a significant enough role in my decision. It wasn't the main reason for my ending it, but it played a part because I had brought it up and nothing was done to address it.

Chips Lovell

These threads always go the same way.

Good natured banter, interspersed with wise and sensitive analysis.

All finishing with cheerful consensus.

Walter H Price

Yor'e better saying something than trying to ignore it. attraction is a big part of a relationship , if someone gains or looses allot of weight it cant really affect how attracted to them you are , but it can also be more then that.

My OH put on a good bit of weight after we first moved in together , through bad diet and stuff, she was a bit homesick , neither of us could cook so we we both mostly eating **** but i was playing rugby and doing a good bit of ercise so i didn't. What i found more difficult to deal with thaen how she looked after she gained the weight was her whole personality changed she just became very self conscious and that really killed the mood.

Ultimately i said it to her that we had to do something, she went and lost some weight and got a bit of her self confidence and that back , i did a nutrition course learned to cook properly. were getting married next November both going to slimming world now i want to loose a stone and maintain it she we like to be another dress size or two smaller so it's great were doing it together, she kinda recognises now is the best time to do it as we want kids shortly after the wedding and its well known being overweight can cause fertility issues so the wedding is a great target to aim for and then just Maintain it beyond.

But little things become big things (no pun intended) if ignored in relationships

_Jamie_

This thread is bittersweet for me to read because I totally agree that you should work to look good for your OH but since I've got with mine, I've been diagnosed with advanced bloody cancer. That has had a big effect on my appearance, in various ways. My OH is wonderful and loves me, but I'm sure he has at some stage had taboo thoughts that he drew the short straw. He's only human!

KERSPLAT!

_Jamie_ wrote: »

This thread is bittersweet for me to read because I totally agree that you should work to look good for your OH but since I've got with mine, I've been diagnosed with advanced bloody cancer. That has had a big effect on my appearance, in various ways. My OH is wonderful and loves me, but I'm sure he has at some stage had taboo thoughts that he drew the short straw. He's only human!

All the best, hope it all works out for you.

Penny Tration

_Jamie_ wrote: »

This thread is bittersweet for me to read because I totally agree that you should work to look good for your OH but since I've got with mine, I've been diagnosed with advanced bloody cancer. That has had a big effect on my appearance, in various ways. My OH is wonderful and loves me, but I'm sure he has at some stage had taboo thoughts that he drew the short straw. He's only human!

Best of luck with your treatment, I hope it all works out.


I really doubt your partner thinks that, though. I think there's a massive difference between weight gain due to getting comfortable and lazy, and appearance related issues due to serious medical problems. I'm sure your OH loves you probably even more now, seeing your courage in fighting cancer.







On topic, I think it's generally (barring cases of abusive relationships of course) ridiculous to impose a ban on any specific discussion. I had an ex that gained a lot of weight, and he was already obese to begin with, but I couldn't mention it even nicely because it was an off limits topic!

I had one ex mention to me I'd gained weight, nicely, and I had. And I was embarrassed sure, but there's nothing wrong with showing concern for your partner.


Thankfully, in the time I've been with my current partner, I've lost a few stone so all he says about my weight is things about my waist getting smaller and that I look great. However, if I were to gain again, he knows I would want him to mention it, to give me a kick up the bum. Similarly, I'd mention it to him, though he's slim anyway.

wherearemykeys

If my partner gained weight because of sheer laziness and over eating, then i would say something. I personally look after myself so i do look well in the eyes of my partner. Saying that i doubt he would ever say anything to me if i did gain weight, he's too nice like that!!

Weight gain due to illness is a whole different matter.

Dr Crayfish

Jesus. Most people put on weight in relationships. Your lifestyle and priorities change. No one has time for gym every day and preparing very specific meals when you've got kids hanging out of you etc.

andekwarhola

Depends on the amount of weight.

Wilfully turning into a complete slob isn't acceptable or fair but a lot of people gain a bit of spread as they get older and more time constrained with kids, careers etc and I wouldn't expect somebody to stay in their 20s forever, so to speak.

Penny Tration

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

Jesus. Most people put on weight in relationships. Your lifestyle and priorities change. No one has time for gym every day and preparing very specific meals when you've got kids hanging out of you etc.

You don't have to prepare "very specific" meals to maintain weight, just don't eat crap, and eat as little processed food as possible.


Relationships don't always means kids either, and when they do, plenty of people can stay a healthy weight. A stir fry takes 15 minutes, it's not difficult.


It's strange to believe that "most" people put on weight while in a relationship.

_Jamie_

andekwarhola wrote: »

Depends on the amount of weight.

Wilfully turning into a complete slob isn't acceptable or fair but a lot of people gain a bit of spread as they get older and more time constrained with kids, careers etc and I wouldn't expect somebody to stay in their 20s forever, so to speak.

I've known some people who are fairly zero tolerance on that and really do expect the svelteness of the 20s to remain! Now, in fairness, middle age spread can be controlled and doesn't have to get out of control, and indeed my own pops had his fattest decade in his 30s and was way thinner in his 40s, 50s and now 60s so there are exceptions, but some people really do think that it's unacceptable to gain anything at all! :eek:

_Jamie_

Penny Tration wrote: »

You don't have to prepare "very specific" meals to maintain weight, just don't eat crap, and eat as little processed food as possible.

You need less calorie intake as you get older as your basal metabolic rate drops with each passing year. So if you eat the exact same amount of healthy food every day of your life and remain as active, you will still gain weight slowly. The solution is to eat a bit less every year or increase activity but how many people who follow an active lifestyle will think that they need to do more?

I said my pops is thinner now than in his 30s but that's because he was fat in his 30s and isn't now. Anyone with a healthy lifestyle from young will still likely gain as they age.

RobbingBandit

Fat chicks need lovin too but they gotta pay.

Salrub

My ex broke up with me over me mentioning how I was concerned about her weight. I tried to be as sensitive as I could about it but I guess she was over sensitive about it and which after I hated myself for saying it to her. Funny thing is the reason i only said them things to her was not I wasn't attracted to her, which I was buts it's just I was worried about health issues in the future for her and wanted her to be around in the future as long as possible with me which is not going to happen now so guess I've learned not to be over concerned about anyone's health in the future again!!!

SEPT 23 1989

My girlfriend now wife changed shape after she gave me two beautiful children

Don't look at her any different and I never will

team_actimel

Salrub wrote: »

My ex broke up with me over me mentioning how I was concerned about her weight. I tried to be as sensitive as I could about it but I guess she was over sensitive about it and which after I hated myself for saying it to her. Funny thing is the reason i only said them things to her was not I wasn't attracted to her, which I was buts it's just I was worried about health issues in the future for her and wanted her to be around in the future as long as possible with me which is not going to happen now so guess I've learned not to be over concerned about anyone's health in the future again!!!

That is mental! Think you had a lucky escape there. It would only have gotten worse in the future.

An honest relationship should be open to all discussions about whether your partner's weight gain is affecting any aspect of it.

Wibbs

Penny Tration wrote: »

It's strange to believe that "most" people put on weight while in a relationship.

+1, but it is a belief held by many and IMH trotted out as an excuse by nearly as many. Whatever about women after a pregnancy or two, there's little excuse for men to lard up. Barring illness their hormone levels drop at an extremely slow rate by comparison(and don't shut down entirely). I'm not so sure I buy the metabolism angle wholesale either. I've heard it from middle aged guys when blaming it for their belly, but when they were 20 they were quite simply more active, usually a lot more so. That tailed off if they got office jobs. Guys doing more manual work often didn't fare much better as I noticed they tended to start snacking on stodgy foods.

Penny Tration

Wibbs wrote: »

+1, but it is a belief held by many and IMH trotted out as an excuse by nearly as many. Whatever about women after a pregnancy or two, there's little excuse for men to lard up. Barring illness their hormone levels drop at an extremely slow rate by comparison(and don't shut down entirely). I'm not so sure I buy the metabolism angle wholesale either. I've heard it from middle aged guys when blaming it for their belly, but when they were 20 they were quite simply more active, usually a lot more so. That tailed off if they got office jobs. Guys doing more manual work often didn't fare much better as I noticed they tended to start snacking on stodgy foods.

I noticed that with some men I know, my dad included.

He was always trim and fit in his 20s-30s, but he worked in construction so his body could metabolize the huge meals he ate.


Then he started working a "professional" job, and the weight piled on. He always put it down to his age.

Then this year, at 54 years of age, he joined Slimming World with my sisters and I. Tonight, he'll be picking up his "target" award, having lost a total of 4 stone, 4 lbs since May. The only difference to his food is that he's eating less carbs and more protein and vegetables. He's gone from a 2XL and 38 waist to a 32 waist and M tops. So I guess middle age wasn't a valid excuse for him!

Dr Crayfish

Wibbs wrote: »

+1, but it is a belief held by many and IMH trotted out as an excuse by nearly as many. Whatever about women after a pregnancy or two, there's little excuse for men to lard up. Barring illness their hormone levels drop at an extremely slow rate by comparison(and don't shut down entirely). I'm not so sure I buy the metabolism angle wholesale either. I've heard it from middle aged guys when blaming it for their belly, but when they were 20 they were quite simply more active, usually a lot more so. That tailed off if they got office jobs. Guys doing more manual work often didn't fare much better as I noticed they tended to start snacking on stodgy foods.

I don't think people are making excuses, people's lifestyles just change in a relationship so a couple of KGs might come on. It's hard anyway for a lot of people to stay slim in today's environment where we are bombarded by food from all angles constantly
I'm single now but maybe 5kg lighter than when I was in a relationship a couple of years ago. I can put this down to eating out a lot more, and cooking for each other more, more holidays etc. Now I eat a stir fry every night pretty much but when cooking for someone else I'd push the boat out a bit more. Also I seem to have a lot more time to myself and go to the gym quite a bit now.
It's not that big a deal, but google it, it's a fact that a lot of people put a bit of weight on when in relationships for various reasons.

Salrub

team_actimel wrote: »

That is mental! Think you had a lucky escape there. It would only have gotten worse in the future.

An honest relationship should be open to all discussions about whether your partner's weight gain is affecting any aspect of it.

I suppose so. I know sometimes I'm not the best at saying things the way I mean it but I was just trying to help her become the best she ever was. Now I know and realise now that you can't change anyone and you should just accept them for who they are. Just I probably learned my lesson the hard way