Clingy Girl

Susa123

So I've been with my boyfriend 3 years now. Recently this girl has come into the scene who he claims that they have always been friends. I have trust issues but I do trust him. However I don't trust this girl. She bought him a ticket for a really expensive concert (80-95 euro!) Were only 18 so that's a lot to be spending on someone. Its just the two not them going together and I don't feel good about it. She also texted me with abusive messages that really upset me. I was embarrassed and didn't want to cause any fights so I forgave her because I didn't want things to get awkward and I certainly want to be with my boyfriend. Should I be okay with him going or am I overreacting??..

miezekatze

Is your boyfriend aware of the abusive messages she sent you? What was his reaction? If he's aware and still going to the concert with her then I'd question his loyalty to his girlfriend.

Susa123

miezekatze wrote: »

Is your boyfriend aware of the abusive messages she sent you? What was his reaction? If he's aware and still going to the concert with her then I'd question his loyalty to his girlfriend.

Yes he does know about them. I forgave her so I guess he doesn't see a problem with them hanging out but I just found it extreme for her to buy this for him and go out of or a night out together . she sent me messages making fun of me, telling me I'm this that and the other. If it were anyone else I would not have out up woith it but for the sake of my relationship I accepted an apology and moved on.. I'm really torn on what to do

Mr. Incognito

Your bf needs to grow a pair and stand up for you.

If a girl sent my gf of three years any abusive texts then I'd cut her out of my life immediately

Susa123

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Your bf needs to grow a pair and stand up for you.

If a girl sent my gf of three years any abusive texts then I'd cut her out of my life immediately

Thank you so much that made me feel a lot better I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable. I still get upset about the messages and would feel so uncomfortable with her bringing him out.

rainbowtrout

If they were always friends, and you are going out with him 3 years then you would have met her by now. I doubt he's known her that long. You are right, it is a lot of money to spend on a friend, and normally not what a typical 18 year old does. I'd be wary of her, sounds like she is interested in your boyfriend.

Susa123

rainbowtrout wrote: »

If they were always friends, and you are going out with him 3 years then you would have met her by now. I doubt he's known her that long. You are right, it is a lot of money to spend on a friend, and normally not what a typical 18 year old does. I'd be wary of her, sounds like she is interested in your boyfriend.

I know her butnbthey have only became extremely close over the last few months. When I first got with him I saw messages and she had feelings for him, which makes me extra anxious. I love my boyfriend and don't want to be a controlling girlfriend who stops him from having friends but this girl has said hurtful things to me and goes out of her way to make sure she impressed him. I feel trapped I don't want to fight but feel as though I will just be upset if I keep it to my self

Teyla Emmagan

She sounds weird and she certainly has no respect for you. And surely after 3 years you would know if your boyfriend has "always known her"?. It all sounds very odd to me TBH. And never mind forgiving her, I would watch that one. Your boyfriend should also be telling her to hit the road.

Rachiee

Id speak to your boyfriend and explain that although you trust him and dont want to dictate who he hangs out with you are worried that she has feelings for him and if he keeps spending so much time with her he is sending her the wrong message and undermining your relationship and that se might begin to think he feels the same about her.

Ursus Horribilis

So where is your boyfriend in all of this? Perhaps because he's only 18 he doesn't know how to handle a situation like this in the way an older adult would? Or maybe he's enjoying the attention from this other girl? What exactly did you show your boyfriend? In my opinion, he needs to see each and every text she sent you. You also need to stop forgiving her. There's a difference between being nice and being a pushover. It's obvious that she has her sights set on your boyfriend. Anyone with half a brain knows what buying that concert ticket means. You need to stop worrying about being a possessive girlfriend and have a frank conversation with him about this. There are plenty of things you can say about this without asking him not to see her any more.

retro:electro

Have you asked him how her feel if the situation was reversed and it some guy who had feelings for you who bought you an expensive concert ticket for just the two of you to attend and also sent your bf nasty messages? He has to know its wrong. Whatever about everything else, after sending you nasty messages he should want nothing more to do with her.

Susa123

Susa123 wrote: »

So I've been with my boyfriend 3 years now. We're only 18.

I have trust issues but I do trust him

Eh, as a matter of interest, you're with your boyfriend since you were 15 ... where do the "trust issues" come from??

Big Bag of Chips

You're all very young, and you might not like to hear it but you're also very immature. I mean that in the sense of, in 10 years time you'll look back at this time and cringe thinking how you thought you had it all sorted.

The girl is incredibly immature. Sending another girl abusive texts just because she's going out with the fella she fancies. Your boyfriend is very immature in that he doesn't want to have to deal with this one and risk falling out with anyone. And you are immature in thinking you have to put up with being unhappy just so you can keep your bf happy and stay in the relationship. If you were a bit older, with a bit more confidence in yourself you'd be sure enough in your relationship to discuss this with your bf and let him know that this girl's carry on is not on, and for the sake of not hurting her feelings he's (unintentionally) leading her on, and hurting your feelings instead.

He's choosing the path of least resistance. Which means, you will put up with her sht, whereas if he says anything to her she'll probably go mental and cause all sorts of rows!! If she thinks it's ok to send childish messages to his gf she'll have no trouble kicking of about something or other! So you're the one more likely to be hard done by, because you're less likely to cause a scene.

You're not a clingy gf, but your bf is an immature bf. The fact that you feel you can't be openly upset about something without coming across as "clingy" is a sign of your weakness. Your value in your relationship is placed lower than that of your bf. You are supposed to be equal. And one of you shouldn't be made to feel upset or sidelined just so the other person (or someone external to the relationship altogether!) doesn't feel upset or awkward. There's being "high maintenance" then there's being a "push over". They are the two extremes. But there is loads of room in the middle of those two points to have a healthy and happy relationship. At the moment you are at the "push over" end of the scale. And that's why this girl thinks she can do as she likes with regards you and your bf.

You're young. Finding the right balance comes from years of experience, and making mistakes! You're making a mistake now, but you'll learn from it. And as I said 10 years from now you'll look back and probably cringe a little at what you put up with in your teens! We all do...

HalloweenJack

Susa123 wrote: »

she sent me messages making fun of me, telling me I'm this that and the other. If it were anyone else I would not have out up woith it but for the sake of my relationship I accepted an apology and moved on.. I'm really torn on what to do

Why did you put up with it?

It's unacceptable, regardless of the person's connection to your BF.

Susa123

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

She sounds weird and she certainly has no respect for you. And surely after 3 years you would know if your boyfriend has "always known her"?. It all sounds very odd to me TBH. And never mind forgiving her, I would watch that one. Your boyfriend should also be telling her to hit the road.[/quote

As I said I knew of her but just got extremely close over the last while.

Susa123

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Eh, as a matter of interest, you're with your boyfriend since you were 15 ... where do the "trust issues" come from??

I have a lot of personal problems, anxiety depression and attend therapy. Find it really hard to trust anyone to be honest.

Ursus Horribilis

Susa123 wrote: »

I have a lot of personal problems, anxiety depression and attend therapy. Find it really hard to trust anyone to be honest.

Is this spilling into your relationship with your boyfriend? Having a girlfriend with these issues can't be much fun for him.

Emme

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Is this spilling into your relationship with your boyfriend? Having a girlfriend with these issues can't be much fun for him.

If the OP stays with her boyfriend and he lets another girl abuse her and goes out with this girl then it won't help the OP.

OP you're only 18. There are lots of boys out there for you. You don't have to put up with bad treatment from this boy. If the other girl wants him this badly she can have him. He's no prize if he doesn't mind another girls sending abusive messages to his girlfriend.

Ursus Horribilis

Emme wrote: »

If the OP stays with her boyfriend and he lets another girl abuse her and goes out with this girl then it won't help the OP.

No, but I'm looking at this through the eyes of an 18 year old lad. He's in a long term relationship with someone who has trust issues, anxiety and is in therapy. That's an awful lot for someone of his age to take on. Why has he allowed himself to become so close to this friend of his? And why does he not appear to be particularly pushed about defending his girlfriend? Immaturity could well come into this and I hope that's all it is. The other possibility is that after 3 years this has run its course.

SingItOut

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Is this spilling into your relationship with your boyfriend? Having a girlfriend with these issues can't be much fun for him.

Likewise if the boyfriend knows his girlfriend has these issues then he shouldn't still be speaking to another girl who he knows has feelings for him. His dismissal of the situation is not going to help his girlfriends anxiety.

OP, please speak to your boyfriend about this. Don't continue to ignore it as it'll just become a bigger problem than it needs to be.

Did you say anything about the messages to your boyfriend? If you didn't, this is a conversation you should have. If you did tell him, did he say anything to the friend?

OP what you're describing here isn't OK - spending that much money on a concert ticket & sending you abusive messages - you really need a conversation with your boyfriend.

LegacyUser

It's obvious: she wants your boyfriend.

If he's worth keeping, you need to fight back.

Otherwise, let her have him.

Emme

Deleted User wrote: »

Did you say anything about the messages to your boyfriend? If you didn't, this is a conversation you should have. If you did tell him, did he say anything to the friend?

OP what you're describing here isn't OK - spending that much money on a concert ticket & sending you abusive messages - you really need a conversation with your boyfriend.

I agree. And the conversation should go as follows:

Whatever about the concert tickets I'm not going to put up with your "friend" sending me abusive messages and I'm not going to put up with you tolerating it. Here's your P45 - good luck!