New mother about to snap

borabora

My newish partner and I had an unplanned pregnancy. We decided to embrace it and he's been fantastic. I had a very difficult birth but physically recovered after a month. Now baby is 3 months.

Partner broke it to me when baby was a few weeks old that he was starting an intense training regime for a competitive sport. He would be home 3 hours late during weeknights and gone 06.00-13.00 on weekends. It is his long held dream, but is this fair? I do everything. Lovely dinner on the table when he gets home every night, all the cleaning etc...

Luckily baby is a dream but it's still me 24, 7. Breastfeeding constantly. He's brilliant when he is here but I'm not sure that is enough.

bp

I doubt he realises how much you do all day to be honest. Maybe ask him to hold off for six months and then some Saturday you do nothing bar bf and have him do all you do to show him how hard it is. Eg cook each meal, laundry, dishes etc

Communication will be key

DoctorBoo

Not okay. Not okay at all. The baby is his responsibility as well as yours. This is the most difficult and demanding time in a child's life. He can start his sport in a few month's time or next year.

DoctorBoo

Also - stop "doing everything ". It's too much and will get overwhelmed very quickly.

Parchment

This is not fair at all. You need to sit him down and talk to him. I would be livid.

endacl

I prescribe a regime of Dr Marten's Patented Reality Suppositories for the lad. Repeat as symptoms demand.

sentient_6

I wish my wife was a roll over like you but I live in the real world and I regard myself as a descent human being.

beks101

"We have a three-month old infant and you can't afford to be away from the house for those durations at the moment."

Simple as that. Sit down with him and flesh it out. It's simply not fair and you have no intention of raising this baby on your own while he saunters off to fulfill his "life-long dreams". What would happen if you were the one to suddenly turn around and say the same thing?

LegacyUser

Mum of two smallies here....not fair at all.I would hit the ceiling if my OH did that.And believe me, it's easy now, wait til the baby gets bigger and even more demanding!You need a break too.You need to have a very straight talk with him.No it's not ok.When do you get time to do stuff that you want?When does your baby get to see it's father?
Long chat needed about this.

amtc

My best mate has 2 under 3 and another one on way. He came to mine Thursday just to sleep. I did point out his partner must be exhausted.

Mr. Incognito

Hes having a laugh. Stop making dinner for a start

Irish_Elect_Eng

Echo other posters sentiments in general. Your partner needs to play his role.

But be careful how you tackle this, tact and understanding are needed to get the outcome that you want. Forcing a choice between your new relationship and unplanned child Vs. A long held dream may be a difficult decision for him.

• What if he chooses the dream?
• Can your relationship survive?
• What if he chooses to give up on the dream?
• Will he regret it and resent his new family?

There are all sorts of relationships, all sorts of family structures, talk to your partner and decide what is right for you both and your child. It may be that you partner gives up on his dream or defers it if possible to support you and your child. Or it may be that you decide to bear the burden at this time to support your partner as the future benefits may be greater for you as a family. Or perhaps you could even hire some help/support to facilitate both of you.

Best of luck.

Confused mum84

I think you need factor in some time for yourself & get a set routine going . His training regime seems to be pretty set in stone so you equally need some time to yourself - what if you let him mind baby sat from 2- 7 & likewise on Sunday's . Maybe you could alternate the times to factor in spending time as a family .. Also it's one thing to be easy going about this at the moment as your on Mat leave , not sure what your work situation /plans are but if your returning to work , ye may need to have a serious discussion about how long intense training is due to last .. Short term is one thing but absolutely can't continue long term

Confused mum84

Oh- one more thing to add- you mentioned that he's training from 6am at weekends & working during week. Does that mean your up with baby every single morning .. Again I think it's important you get a lie in one of the weekend mornings - you need some break .. Also I wouldn't have the dinner on table 7 days a week.. Maybe 5 days is a bit fairer, he sounds like a genuinely nice guy in the way he accepted his responsibilities , is great when he is home etc.. Just sounds a bit thoughtless (my other half is a bit like that sometimes so know what it's like 😉).. & to be fair health & fitness isn't the worst interest to have (would be worse If he was in pub all weekend ).. Just think he needs to give you more of a break & find a better balance

Teyla Emmagan

You know you don't "owe" him for the pregnancy being unplanned. It's not on you now to do everything and let him carry on with his own life as if nothing happened. He can do whatever this sport is next year, it's not more important than your wellbeing and that of the baby.

You are going to have to sit him down and explain that you just can't continue like this and you need more of his time. You will end up sick if you go on like this. Atm he is getting 20 free hours to himself a week. And by the sound if it he doesn't drop everything when he walks in the door so you are getting no respite. He may not realise it but he is being terribly selfish.

looksee

Why is it a long-held dream that has to come to reality now? What has changed that suddenly something he has not been able to do previously is now possible?

Parchment

looksee wrote: »

Why is it a long-held dream that has to come to reality now? What has changed that suddenly something he has not been able to do previously is now possible?

Good question - can he not defer it for a year? Seems like very poor timing for him to choose to do it.

I have a friend whos relationship suffered as her other half decided he was training for an ironman competition. They didnt have kids and it still took a toll on an otherwise healthy relationship - so i cant imagine what throwing a baby into the mix would do.

Im all for people following the dreams/achieving their goals but they cant be at the expense of others. He has responsibilities to face up to here and if the OP keeps running herself ragged to keep things tipping along for him - he will carry on doing what he is doing.

thierry14

Is he training for the olympics or something?

What can be so important that it can't wait?

His life long dream, sounds like a convenient excuse to get out of the house.

Babies are hard work, have a 6 month old myself, first 3 months were grand its getting tougher now that he's starting solids, rolling around, trying to grab everything.

You should start your life long dream too, every Sunday for 6 hours, only fair

am i bovvered

I think it's important to get more information here before people start giving out opinions
What is your partner in training for, is it a professional career that he is interested in, if so maybe it's a consideration to have short-term pain for long-term gain.
Successful partnerships are all about constructive communication there are always going to be tough times and good times wishing you the best of luck.

Ursus Horribilis

Hmm. Newish relationship, unplanned pregnancy, sudden decision to take up intensive regime that'll conveniently take him out of the house. How well do you actually know this guy?

Call me Al

Maybe your partner considers this the only opportunity to do this dream of his.. I'm working in the assumption that you are on maternity leave so I could be wrong.
Maybe he has twigged that in 9? months when you're back at work you will be dropping and collecting a baby with a chidcare facility of some sort, youll be back at work, and you will be less flexible ( I am a parent myself so i know that in reality you're not flexible now! But from his perspective you are as you are dedicated to doing baby and home side to his life meaning he doesn't have to do it.)
Now none of this is a proper reason for his actions. I'm wondering if he is using this kind of black/white logic.

How did he broach this topic with you? Did he just straight out tell you he was doing this or did he ask for your opinion and input? It sounds like the former.

If I were in your position I'd be upset and would feel like I was being taken for granted. Caring for a small baby is hard at the best of times, but feeling like you're alone when doing it, despite being in a relationship with the baby's father, would be so upsetting I think. Is he an active and involved parent when he is with the baby?

Berserker

looksee wrote: »

Why is it a long-held dream that has to come to reality now? What has changed that suddenly something he has not been able to do previously is now possible?

I was thinking the exact same thing. I am a marathon runner myself and preparation for important races takes many months, if not years of training and planning. I know what my key races and actual marathon are going to be in late 2017 already. I would have a word with your OH op, telling him that you have a three month old child and it should be his primary focus for the months ahead.

Finally, am I correct in saying that he is training seven days a week? He'll be burned out in no time, when you add full time work to that schedule. What sport is he partaking in? How has your OH reacted to the birth and being a parent?

MeatTwoVeg

Your partner is an idiot who needs a strong dose of cop on.

timmy880

Surely the timing of this "dream" isn't coincidence? Sounds like he doesn't want to be around for all the work and effort required with a newborn...... You can either communicate to tell him to stall this amazing dream of his for 6-12 months or tell him to look after himself from now on - cook, clean, wash for himself etc.. He is taking complete advantage of this situation.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

The most charitable, benefit of the doubt way to look at it would be that becoming a father has made him want to get his act together and achieve his dreams, that he's become conscious of his mortality or wants to be someone his child can look up to and that this is a staggeringly misguided attempt to do that.

The chances of that seem pretty slim compared to the other options though - he's either incredibly oblivious or is looking for a way to shirk. Even if his motives are virtuous he's still being an idiot tbh. Surely he's noticed how much work is involved in a small baby?

This is not an option, and it's bizarre that a grown man would think it is. There are certain milestone events in most of our lives that require huge physical and emotional resources, these are not the times to start such a huge overhaul in regime.

If it were me I'd approach the conversation more from the 'I need you, I really don't think this is a good choice, in a year or so it might be possible but not now' angle than 'No, no way. Not allowed' though, and try and have a talk with him about why and how he possibly thought this was a good idea.

evolving_doors

Does he 'expect' the dinner on the table every day?
If not tell him buy a slow cooker and prepare in advance.

RedXIV

Hey OP, I was one of those dads that didn't understand just how much effort was involved in raising kids and my wife had to (repeatedly) point out she needed help before it finally sank in. I was an idiot and quite ignorant to how drained she was so I can understand how an OH can do this out of sheer naivety.

However, I had to learn to suck up my wants, plans and enjoyments because I was part of a team that needed to work together. Now I'm not prefect I still view cleaning, cooking etc as tasks designed to make my wife happy, not because "they need to be done" but intent is not as important as action. I'd love to go back training like I did before I was a dad but I realise I don't have those options. It's the price I pay now to invest in my family for the future.

We have simple systems such as each of us gets a lie in at the weekend, whoever is home first cooks, the other cleans up. Teamwork. Sure we sometimes go over board for the other line she did for me this weekend after my Xmas party but I'll repay the favor.

Sit down your other half and talk him through this, and hopefully he's just a bit dense like me

Paddy Cow

Have you talked to your other half about how you feel? Maybe he just doesn't understand how overwhelmed you are. You breastfeed which is a lot of pressure off him. He's coming home to a happy baby, clean house and his favourite dinner on the table every night. As far as he is concerned, fatherhood is great and all his friends who complain just haven't found the perfect woman.

You say you got pregnant early in your relationship and maybe you have been over compensating and agreeing to greater freedoms for your partner than is usual. No father on this thread has said that your partner is right but a few have said that they were clueless to how much work a new mum does.

You really need to speak to your partner and come to a compromise. He should be able to make his own dinner and do a lot of house work. The baby is only young and as you are breastfeeding he can't do that. He could get up with you and do nappy changes.

Your partner thinks everything is Rosy and you don't. Unless you communicate this to him he will continue to think everything is fine and take greater and greater liberties and you will build up more resentment. I am totally on your side here. You are doing too much. However how you approach this is key. If you let things go, your resentment will boil over and he won't know where it's coming from. Start being assertive. Tell him you would appreciate it if he cooked dinner and spent less time in the gym.

This relationship is so new. How do you argue normally? Even the most established relationships are tested by the arrival of a new baby.

Hollister11

He's in work all day doing his job. Your at home doing yours.

Hollister11

Hollister11 wrote: »

He's in work all day doing his job. Your at home doing yours.

For crying out loud, why don't you try reading the OP? :rolleyes:

Bellaboring

borabora wrote: »

My newish partner and I had an unplanned pregnancy. We decided to embrace it and he's been fantastic. I had a very difficult birth but physically recovered after a month. Now baby is 3 months.

Partner broke it to me when baby was a few weeks old that he was starting an intense training regime for a competitive sport. He would be home 3 hours late during weeknights and gone 06.00-13.00 on weekends. It is his long held dream, but is this fair? I do everything. Lovely dinner on the table when he gets home every night, all the cleaning etc...

Luckily baby is a dream but it's still me 24, 7. Breastfeeding constantly. He's brilliant when he is here but I'm not sure that is enough.

Sounds like you'd be better off without this guy to me (but only you can ultimately decide what is right for you and your family). He's beheaving like a sperm donor not a father. If you are on your own doing everything it may be worth considering would it be easier to do this without the added stress of caring for another "grown up"?!

Eimee90

Hollister11 wrote:

He's in work all day doing his job. Your at home doing yours.

Last time I checked, it takes two to create a baby. You are seriously living in the medieval age if you think its the OP's job to be the sole carer for their child.

Op, talk to him. He needs to realise just how hard and frankly isolating it can be for a new mother.

SATSUMA

HI Op,

Just as a sideline in relation to you feeling like you will "snap"...

http://www.nurturecharity.org/

The above link may be helpful to you.

Best of luck.

Contessa Raven

Hollister11 wrote: »

He's in work all day doing his job. Your at home doing yours.

Wow!

I do believe it takes two to make a baby. The child is as much his as it is hers. If she was the one out working all day and the father was writing the OP would you say the same thing in response? I doubt it.

OP I don't blame you for feeling the way you do and I think it's paramount that you speak to your partner. I can't help but echo what some of the other posters have said about his sudden need to follow this "life-long dream". Why now? How is it suddenly possible but before it wasn't? Can't he wait until the child is a little more autonomous before he goes off gallivanting for large chunks of time?