The C word and peoples actions

Starfish25

Hi boardsies,
Im not sure what I'm looking for. I guess a bit of feedback on others similar experiences...

Safe to say, this has been the worst year of my life.
Unfortunately my mother was diagnosed with cancer after months of agonising tests, appointments and surgery. She is currently undergoing treatment.
Over the last few months, we have found it tough and struggled at times with emotions running high.
It's just me, mam, dad and my sibling.
We are getting there and coping, so far..
However, if anything, this has pointed out the black and white, cynical truth about our other family members and some friends.
My so called uncles, aunts and cousins on both sides have shown barely any support to my mother, father or us during this time.
Basically, before the diagnosis, things were always on their terms and when it suited them and all about them.....They are now, nowhere to be seen and whenever they do ring or text my mam, they turn the conversation around to themselves and vent about their own first world problems and basically stupid sh*te which leads to my mother feeling exhausted......As for me and my sibling, no one in our family has bothered speaking to us, ringing, texting etc.....to ask how we are coping or if we need time/chat/tea....
we rely on each other.
I've tried to reach out to friends and while 1 or 2 have been great, everyone has their own worries and lives.....

<edited> my colleagues have had no tact, some have outright ignored and froze me out.

I'm just heartbroken and really, my eyes are now wide open.
But more so for my parents.Their energy was sucked dry by family members over a lifetime, they've always checked in with family, supported others, been good to them and now when we need support, It doesn't seem to register and it's as if nothing has happened....


So I guess what I'm really asking is.....
Is this normal ?
What are other people's experiences with family and Cancer?
And is it acceptable to tell them all to go feckk themselves?

/rant

Mr. Incognito

I think personal issues might be the best place to post this.

The responses on here might be a bit childish

Riskymove

Long Term Illness thread may be a good option here

baby and crumble

My Mam was diagnosed with Cancer a few years ago and unfortunately was so sick she passed away within 9 months.

The reactions I had were mostly good, but in all honesty, that's because my family in general are nice, relatively selfless people. If the people you deal with are generally selfish and turn things around to themselves on a normal day, it's unlikely that they'd change because of the diagnosis.

As well, people are just really awkward. Nobody knows what to say when they hear news like this. Lots of folks just want to ignore it and hope it goes away. That will translate to how they deal with you.

And lastly- and this is hard to hear- not everyone will be as invested in this news as you and your immediate family. Ok you might expect your Mams brothers and sisters to be a bit more interested and helpful, but you have to remember that everyone else has their crap going on too. Supporting someone through cancer takes over your world, but (and again this is going to sound harsh) it's not actually your colleagues concern. You don't know what's going on with them that will be taking up thier brain and heart space too.

It does sound like you're having a particularly tough time with few supports but that's often the reality. Not everyone is good at supporting someone through this kind of thing.

Starfish25

baby and crumble wrote: »

My Mam was diagnosed with Cancer a few years ago and unfortunately was so sick she passed away within 9 months.

The reactions I had were mostly good, but in all honesty, that's because my family in general are nice, relatively selfless people. If the people you deal with are generally selfish and turn things around to themselves on a normal day, it's unlikely that they'd change because of the diagnosis.

As well, people are just really awkward. Nobody knows what to say when they hear news like this. Lots of folks just want to ignore it and hope it goes away. That will translate to how they deal with you.

And lastly- and this is hard to hear- not everyone will be as invested in this news as you and your immediate family. Ok you might expect your Mams brothers and sisters to be a bit more interested and helpful, but you have to remember that everyone else has their crap going on too. Supporting someone through cancer takes over your world, but (and again this is going to sound harsh) it's not actually your colleagues concern. You don't know what's going on with them that will be taking up thier brain and heart space too.

It does sound like you're having a particularly tough time with few supports but that's often the reality. Not everyone is good at supporting someone through this kind of thing.

Thank you.
I'm so sorry about your mam x

I know this is the reality and I'm usually more logical, I'm just finding it tough lately...
I just expect more from family members who are old enough to know better and have more cop on.
Just in regards to the colleagues thing, I know I shouldn't expect too much, logically I know that, but I would expect more tact and care as that's what I would do/react with.
I don't want people falling over me, and I hope it doesn't come across that way, but it's not acceptable for some to isolate me either. It's hard enough.
Yes its my whole world at the moment.

X

Sunny Dayz

It's in times like these unfortunately that you find out who your real friends are.
But that said, people still don't quite know how to react when it comes to cancer, they might not want to appear to insincere with their sympathy, but then on the other side they come across as too cold.


If you feel like yourself and your family need support, please don't be afraid to ask for it. By you not looking for help and support, people will assume you are all able to handle it. Ask people to call over to your mum (or to you), perhaps give them a little bit a guidance in the right direction.


Unfortunately when the initial diagnosis and shock of cancer has passed, other people tend to get on with their lives while the patient and their families still have to deal with the cancer treatment. On the one hand people may want to distract you from the cancer by talking about whatever else is going on in the world, and on the other hand as another poster says life does go on around us.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry your mum isn't well.

I can tell you though that my eyes were well and truly opened when I was diagnosed with a serious illness. It wasn't cancer, but the reactions laid out in other posts were the same.

My best friend of 20 odd years ghosted me, I rarely hear from her now and ALL contact is instigated by me. I was so hurt but I've learned that some people just can't handle real life when the going gets tough and just don't want to know. They're on hand when life is good but disappear when it's not so good.

cbyrd

Firstly, I'm sorry you're going through this. I lost my dad to cancer 6 years ago. It still hurts.

You're angry, at everything and everyone. You need someone to blame and its understandable.
Let it go. It's not going to help you or your family.

People often don't know what to say in the face of illness. It brings us face to face with mortality, which is never easy.
Have you talked with your parents about how you feel? Have you asked your mam if she minds the distraction of talking about trivial problems that don't home in on her.

Having a parent who is ill is terrifying.
Please, for your own sanity, recognise that you are very angry and need to find someway of coming to terms with the possibility of losing your Mam.
You won't .. but, maybe some counselling will help.

juno10353

Am so sorry to hear about your situation. Your mum and immediate family sound like wonderful people. Try not to focus on how others are behaving. Cancer is still a word that fills people with fear and is still not really discussed. Even you refered to it as the C word. Sometimes people calling tend to feel they should try and take the ill persons mind off things and instead talk about trivial issues, and sometimes the ill person wants that too and is just glad of the call. If youneed help or support then be sure to ask for it. People in general like to be asked to do something useful and to feel they are being of help and not intruding. Talk to your friends about the stress you are experiencing, take care of you too. Remember carers need support too, so ask for it, not everyone will feel able to help but most will.

DaeryssaOne

So sorry to read about your parent's illness OP.
One of my parents was also diagnosed with cancer a number of months ago and I found the reactions (or non reactions) of those closest to our family to be quite telling. Some relatives / friends who I might have never really considered very close to us have gone out of their way to help out, be a shoulder to cry on or just call in socially to make sure we know they're there.

Others (including so-called best friends) have gone off the grid and the few times we have spoken since they won't even ask after my parent unless I bring it up - and then make me feel uncomfortable for speaking about the biggest thing happening in my life right now.

A serious illness can really open your eyes to how both you and those around you deal with the difficult things in life - some go all out and are rocks to lean on while others shrink away and just pretend it's not real. While I wouldn't say it has fully changed my opinion of these people, I won't forget how they helped or chose not to during this tough time.

Naid23

I'm really sorry to hear about your mam.
my mother passed away a few months ago and while she didnt have cancer - i can completely understand what you are saying about family/friends just falling away in difficult times.

My mam was in hospital for a number of weeks before she passed and it was mostly my auntie (mams sister) and my great aunt who came to see her. my auntie was an absolute godsend and really helped the 4 of us get through a really difficult time.

As for the rest of my mams siblings - there is 7 others, they never bothered with my mam as soon as she was sick, not even so much as a text or phonecall But sure enough when she died they were all down in my house giving the sob story of how they'd change things - turned my stomach to even be around any of them.
My mam was a very selfless person and would do anything for anybody so for them to just drop her like that was heartbreaking. One auntie in particular just came down for the drink during the wake and was drunk on both nights and actually made out that her grief was worse then ours as she had lost her baby sister.
We havent heard a peep from most people since the funeral and tbh i'm fine with that. The people who really care keep in touch and you OP will find that aswel.
Try not to waste your energy on people who do not care about you or your family. They are really not worth it.

tracey1098

Hi Starfish25.

Sorry to hear about your mum.

I had cancer and have been free from it for nearly 3 years now. My eyes were opened during my illness to family and friends I thought were close but who turned out to be rather not so close! When the chips are down you find out who your real friends and family are. My advice to you is to don't waste your energy on the type of people like you have described. It's a very tough time. You need support and care. Have you a local cancer support centre? I know my family got great support there when I was ill.

Look after yourself 😘