What to do when parnter loses sex drive?

benny79

Hi All,

I recently got back with my Girlfriend of nearly 14 years a couple of months ago.. She was struggling with depression for 2 years and was in and out of hospital. It put a big strain on our relationship and we split for a Year, after us been engaged and having a son together..

Anyway she has been doing great the last few months and we have got back together though not living together but that's ok as it suits at the moment.. but she has told me she has no sex drive and its not really bothering her (she said it could be down to the meds shes on) but it obliviously bothers me.. As we should be in the honey moon period after been split up for a year!

I tried talking to her but she doesn't really want to know and changes subject! anyone any advise??

santana75

benny79 wrote: »

I tried talking to her but she doesn't really want to know and changes subject! anyone any advise??

You did the right thing, you went to her and brought up the subject directly. Thats all you can do Im afraid. The fact that she's unwilling to even talk about it is not good though. I mean if she was even to meet you half way and tell you whats going on with her and to talk to you openly about it, then you could make an informed decision as to what you wanna do. But when someone refuses to even discuss something, then all bets are off. You have to look after yourself. If sex is important to you, which it sounds like it is, then you have to get your needs met. Be straight up with her, dont give ultimatums, like if we dont have sex im outta here. Just tell her that you're not prepared to be in a situation where the topic isnt even up for discussion, so you are removing yourself from that situation and you're looking after yourself and your needs.

benny79

I know we have had it but only a handful of times and I dont want it with someone if she has no interest and is only doing it to please me.. Like we are only spending time together on sat and sun cause were but busy during week.. Last Sat I brought her for a nice meal for drinks got home I hinted and nothing then she said the next morning while didnt I just ask?? like weres the romance in that?

She wasn't always like this...

racso1975

Look it you have two options clearly stay or go.

Maybe it is the meds. Are they affecting any other part of her life?

What you do really need to decide is if you stay how long will you stay for as this will eat away at your confidence and mental health.

minikin

You only recently got back together... give her a bloody break, she's suffering with depression, probably has a lousy self image, you can do one of two things:
1. Put your needs on the back burner temporarily, do what you can to make her feel loved and attractive, she had a kid for you after all...

2. Dump her and go get your hole.

Which do you think is potentially more rewarding in the long term??

Merkin

minikin wrote: »

You only recently got back together... give her a bloody break, she's suffering with depression, probably has a lousy self image, you can do one of two things:
1. Put your needs on the back burner temporarily, do what you can to make her feel loved and attractive, she had a kid for you after all...

2. Dump her and go get your hole.

Which do you think is potentially more rewarding in the long term??

There's no need to be quite so combative. Or vulgar. Please keep your responses helpful or kindly refrain from posting.

racso1975

minikin wrote: »

she had a kid for you after all...

With him not for him!!!

minikin

Merkin wrote: »

There's no need to be quite so combative. Or vulgar. Please keep your responses helpful or kindly refrain from posting.

Fair enough, apologies!

santana75

minikin wrote: »

You only recently got back together... give her a bloody break, she's suffering with depression, probably has a lousy self image, you can do one of two things:
1. Put your needs on the back burner temporarily, do what you can to make her feel loved and attractive, she had a kid for you after all...

2. Dump her and go get your hole.

Which do you think is potentially more rewarding in the long term??

Hold on a second, shes not even willing to discuss the issue. Why should he put his needs aside when shes not even open to having a conversation? If she was then it would be a different situation, but shes not and when thats the case all bets are off.

benny79

racso1975 wrote: »

Look it you have two options clearly stay or go.

Maybe it is the meds. Are they affecting any other part of her life?

What you do really need to decide is if you stay how long will you stay for as this will eat away at "your confidence and mental health".

Its not about my hole!!( I'm not 10 ffs) Its about my partner not wanting to be with me in a intimate way!! It does affect your confidence...

We have been back together since August/Sept really.. and have only been together intimately a handful of times...I have been there when she has been down (I never was before because I couldn't except her depression as I have a lot of anger towards it as I grew up with my mam suffering really bad with it all my life. Thats why she hid it from me) So this was a really big thing for her & me. I have brought her away on nice weekends, brought her to shows, out for dinner a fair bit.. I have pulled out all the stops the last few months, as she has been through a lot the last 2 years with her depression and us breaking up and personnel issues with her family etc... Plus these are things you do in a new relationships but I kinda done it a bit more often... and she does appreciate them..

Don't forget we were engaged have a beautiful son together that is a little character & this was never been a issue... I suppose things chance when you split for a long time & get back.. We were both really angry & Hurt with each other at different stages..Me when we split and her when I wanted to get back together in May..

She is grand in every other way still has some bad days..But she is enjoying her independence as she got her house herself (rent) a job etc she used to rely on her mam for a lot.. Plus she is doing things with my son bringing him places getting excited if he's in something etc.. yes this comes natural to most parents but you can be surprised what happens when people are suffering with depression.. (They dont get happy about anything or want to do anything etc) So this is great to see for me..

But of course sex and intimacy in any relationship is an issue, but I dont want her to be with me in that way just to please me so to speak... I want her to want to be with me.. and for the record she has told me she loves me...

She said she reckons its her medication.. but thats as far as I have got.. but her mental health comes first obviously.. So what do I do... Plus the fact were not living together so we are not spending as much time together as we used too... and living together is a long way off..

ibarelycare

OP the biggest issue here isn't your partners lack of sex drive; it's that she says she's not bothered about it and has no interest in talking about it. She's not taking your feelings or needs into consideration. I know from previously being in a relationship with someone with depression how difficult it can be and that there are a lot of times where you have to sacrifice your own feelings in order to help them...but it's not something that can continue indefinitely. This could potentially be very damaging to both you and your relationship.

You need to have a serious talk about it, away from the bedroom. If she doesn't want to try and fix it at least (i.e. talk to her doctor or a counsellor) then the relationship is doomed.

LegacyUser

Would you say you still have anger issues? You immediately snapped back at the poster above. Now you may say I'm reading into things but as soon as I saw that line, I saw what I would think the kernel of the issue is. Have you shown this side of you a lot to your partner? Personally speaking there is nothing that turns me off a partner as much as an angry, reactive, volatile temperament. Like the only way they can show emotion is through anger, whether it's hurt, fear, anxiety, jealousy; it's all expressed through anger...tantrums, rages or just irritability, bad moods and sulks are the way conflict is dealt with. This kind of behaviour shuts the other person down. They feel they can't talk to you calmly about their feelings, with your understanding, and hence connect with you. This emotional connection is what leads to physical intimacy. It takes patience, trust, understanding and that takes time to build. What you've been through has probably blown that between you. You say you reacted to her depression with anger. That must have really done damage to the trust she has in you and her sense of how much she can rely on you when she needs you. I don't know if it's reconcilable but all I can say is these things take time, and you're only back together a few months. That kind of hurt takes time to heal.

LegacyUser

benny79 wrote: »

Plus these are things you do in a new relationships but I kinda done it a bit more often... and she does appreciate them..

This isn't a new relationship OP - I know you split for a year but it's the same as dating someone for the first time. This is a long term relationship were you we're engaged and have a child together. You're not going to get that honey period you get with people dating for the firs time. It's really lovely your taking her out and treating her well but loss of sex drive can't be fixed with some romance. There is a lot of baggage here OP from her depression to your anger from your experience with your mum and your breakup. This would be hard even without the loss of sex drive.

She's been battling depression and you say doing great the last few months so frankly I'm not surprised she doesn't want to address her loss of sex drive. If her medication has helped her deal with her depression she might be afraid making any changes to it could result in her slipping backwards and that must scare her a lot. You need to focus not on one issue but on your relationship as a whole and her long term heath plan. Medication is great but it's not a long term solution. You need to be supportive of her dealing with this and be aware it's not a quick fix issue. If you try and push to quickly she will just shut down, like she's done. I've been there trying to find that balance and when you've got depression and you find a system that works you don't want to change anything for fear of finding yourself back at square one. Think about her at her lowest point and how difficult it was and now think about her now and how far she is come, are you really surprised she'd be happy to trade in her sex drive to not be in that dark place again?

benny79

ibarelycare wrote: »

OP the biggest issue here isn't your partners lack of sex drive; it's that she says she's not bothered about it and has no interest in talking about it. She's not taking your feelings or needs into consideration. I know from previously being in a relationship with someone with depression how difficult it can be and that there are a lot of times where you have to sacrifice your own feelings in order to help them...but it's not something that can continue indefinitely. This could potentially be very damaging to both you and your relationship.

You need to have a serious talk about it, away from the bedroom. If she doesn't want to try and fix it at least (i.e. talk to her doctor or a counsellor) then the relationship is doomed.

Yeah but after last weekend say... We went for dinner had a couple of drinks then back to her place.. watched a film etc nothing happened as she was tired etc.. Next morning I tried my case again she kinda hinted at it but nothing happened this lead to a kinda argument about it.. and she said if I wanted sex why didnt I just ask! (I taught this was pretty obvious) Like who does that! plus it will feel just one sided...

benny79

oh for the record we are still young mid thirties

Yellow pack crisps

While i say this i am not blaming you in any shape or form. But maybe she doesn't trust you yet, You see it as a new beginning but maybe she sees it differently and she would be right as although you might think its a new beginning its is really not and there is i would hazard a strong guess a lot of hurt and anger towards the break up of the relationship that needs time to be rectified and trust built up again. A lot of people in similar circumstances would be wary about going back in full blown as there would always be that doubt that if things got rough again then one would leave again. If you want this relationship to truly work then forget about the physical side for the moment and work on the emotional side and be the person your partner needs you to be and vice versa. And do something with your anger as there is nothing worse than a partner with anger in them and you may not think its noticeable but it really would be and it would not just benefit your relationship but you as a father and a person. treating her to weekends away or shows or diners is putting a huge materialistic bandage over the deep hole that requires a lot more attention however nice you may think those gestures are.

benny79

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

While i say this i am not blaming you in any shape or form. But maybe she doesn't trust you yet, You see it as a new beginning but maybe she sees it differently and she would be right as although you might think its a new beginning its is really not and there is i would hazard a strong guess a lot of hurt and anger towards the break up of the relationship that needs time to be rectified and trust built up again. A lot of people in similar circumstances would be wary about going back in full blown as there would always be that doubt that if things got rough again then one would leave again. If you want this relationship to truly work then forget about the physical side for the moment and work on the emotional side and be the person your partner needs you to be and vice versa. And do something with your anger as there is nothing worse than a partner with anger in them and you may not think its noticeable but it really would be and it would not just benefit your relationship but you as a father and a person.

I kinda of agree totally with your post and have dealt with my anger and Depression issues and understanding it more... We are back as a couple since Sept.. and I haven't been putting pressure on her and have been forgetting about the physical side and working on us.. hence the weekends away etc... but its 3 months now and nothing seems to be changing.. I seem like I doing all the work she rings me when something goes wrong, I sort it.. asks me to do things to help her etc look I know these are things a partner does It just feels how would you say I'm the one making all the effort!! Planning things etc

We were both to blame for the split it wasn't one sided.... but how long do you wait??

Yellow pack crisps

benny79 wrote: »

I kinda of agree totally with your post and have dealt with my anger and Depression issues and understanding it more... We are back as a couple since Sept.. and I haven't been putting pressure on her and have been forgetting about the physical side and working on us.. hence the weekends away etc... but its 3 months now and nothing seems to be changing.. I seem like I doing all the work she rings me when something goes wrong, I sort it.. asks me to do things to help her etc look I know these are things a partner does It just feels how would you say I'm the one making all the effort!! Planning things etc

We were both to blame for the split it wasn't one sided.... but how long do you wait??

There is no time scale and regardless with who is to blame it doesn't really matter. What is glaring and obvious is both of your lack of communication. That is the biggest hurdle you will have to jump to start getting back what i presume you once have and improving on it. With regard to weekends away ETC and other things you do, don't do them unless its they are something you want to do and not have expectations for doing them. You see yourself putting in the work and your GF not but do you know how she sees it? Have you asked her? I think a basic thing to do would be to ask her how she sees you and how she sees your relationship developing and what things are needing work on and then also tell her your concerns and wishes. You are not going to enjoy sex or intimacy anway if the other person is half hearted about it.

Also one point i notice is that you seem to think being sexual is intimacy when its only one part of intimacy. True intimacy is powerful in either physical or emotional form but when you have the two then you create something thats bonding. I would hazard a strong guess your GF wants to rediscover emotional intimacy first before she rediscovers the physical side. Do you kiss her? Hold her hand? Hug her? without wanting something more? Building up trust is only part words but more powerful can be actions.

benny79

Exactly...She is really appreciative of the things I have done! and I have obviously done them cause I wanted too... She keeps saying how much I changed but I always done these things she just remembers the bad as in the 2 years she was in and out of hospital with her depression the fights we had things said in the heat of the moment...

Look the time now we are together we get on great have a laugh enjoy each others company etc everything apart from the physical side, we have had sex but its only been a handful of times..

Plus the fact she has told me she has no sex drive and she thinks its the medication but a couple of the times we did, she initiated it! but she had, had a few drinks...

LegacyUser

To sum up, at a time when she needed her partner of 14 years, you broke up with her after some fights and saying some things in the heat of the moment. There's your problem, no matter how justified you feel because of your family history.

You're now trying to recover by doing things for her and expecting intimacy in return. That's transparent, even to someone who doesn't know they're seeing it. I'm pretty sure your partner doesn't trust you, understandably, and she is smelling a rat in the weekends away etc, again understandably, because you're presented them here as achievements you want a reward for.

You don't seem to have addressed your anger issues and you don't appear to have any great understanding of your partner or depression or the dynamic in your relationship. You also appear to have a totally unrealistic expectation of having an intimate relationship without a proper, functioning relationship.

I would say you need to forget about intimacy and go back to the start of the relationship to rebuild, with some counselling. You might also need to accept that she will never let go of that breakup and you might be in a long goodbye.

Jenneke87

When I was still battling depression I had zero sexdrive for two years. I did had a boyfriend back then and very well remember the pressure I felt to keep him satisfied while having no desire for sex myself. It was damaging and very one-sided. At the time, I didn't care one bit that I didn't have a sex-drive: I had much more pressing things on my mind and the fact that you know that you're partner is hoping for sex at every turn really doesn't help things. Three months really isn't that long  and you can't just expect to pick up where you left off, it doesn't work like that. When your girlfriend says he doesn't want to have sex, did you ask her what she did want? Once you know that, you can start rebuilding intimicy again, which is not only just sex.

Augme

It sounds to me that she just wants a friend while you want more.

benny79

Jenneke87 wrote: »

When I was still battling depression I had zero sexdrive for two years. I did had a boyfriend back then and very well remember the pressure I felt to keep him satisfied while having no desire for sex myself. It was damaging and very one-sided. At the time, I didn't care one bit that I didn't have a sex-drive: I had much more pressing things on my mind and the fact that you know that you're partner is hoping for sex at every turn really doesn't help things. Three months really isn't that long  and you can't just expect to pick up where you left off, it doesn't work like that. When your girlfriend says he doesn't want to have sex, did you ask her what she did want? Once you know that, you can start rebuilding intimicy again, which is not only just sex.

Thanks a very good post.. obviously it's not just about sex, for me its more the fact she doesn't want to be intimate with me... Is it me! does she not find me attractive anymore! etc.etc.. Self doubt is creeping in in a big way and I was always very confident.. I think maybe Im over thinking things... But we lived together for a good few years and now we dont and are a long way off from doing so again.. But over the years anytime we split up when we got back together she would be mad to see me & want me to stay over..(not just for sex might I add) Now if I havent seen her in a few days I get the impression it doesn't bother her as much.. Maybe I'm expecting to much to soon I dont know really...

One positive is that she is excited about Christmas (she loves it) and keeps remarking am I not glad we are back together and will have Christmas together..

A few family members are not happy I got back with her & feel she is to much hard work, selfish & I do too much for her.. Which is annoying but makes you think even more! but she is a very kind person & would never take advantage of someone or get back with me just for the sake of it..(see self doubt again). I suppose they are only looking out for me as I have been through alot with my mam and her depression..

Sinall

Also not easy on her OP if she feels your family are looking on in disapproval. That can really sour things. Of course your family want the best for you but be aware that you 'venting' to them can be construed (by them) as you being the victim in an unhappy relationship.

Of course you want to talk things through with trusted confidantes but choose the right ones.

benny79

She wouldnt know but they haven't directly came out and said it but I get that impression by things that they have said..