Girl I'm seeing was with friend before me

LegacyUser

Hi all,

First time using the anonymous function.

Bit of a strange one but I'm looking for people's opinions on it.

I have recently started seeing a girl who I really like and we get on great, we have been dating (for want of a better term) for the past 2 months, nothing official but I definitely seen it heading this way.

Problem being that before we met up she made me aware she was with a good friend of mine, she told me it was nothing serious and that they didn't talk too much and that he meant nothing to her. I was under the impression they may have met up a few times and kissed and maybe more which I was perfectly fine with, she didn't know me then and I didn't know her so obviously should be no issue.

It came up in conversation again Last night but she told me she slept with him (still before I ever knew she even existed) but I can't stop thinking about it and it's causing me some concern, I know the problem is firmly with me and I need to make a decision to get over it or not but I am finding it very hard to do so.

I have a million and one questions running through my mind.

There's no doubt in my mind that she has no interest in him and I don't think he has an interest in me.

Am I being stupid here to give up a person I really like because of who she was with in her past ? I know there's nothing that she can do and I obviously have done stuff in my past too so I didn't expect her to be a total prude but I would have thought she should have told me they slept together before we started getting more serious.

Just looking for people's thoughts as I find myself flip flopping on what I should do.

Thanks

uch

None of your business what she did before she knew you, and I don't see why she should have to explain herself

baby and crumble

Worked up wrote: »

Am I being stupid here to give up a person I really like because of who she was with in her past ? I know there's nothing that she can do and I obviously have done stuff in my past too so I didn't expect her to be a total prude but I would have thought she should have told me they slept together before we started getting more serious.

In a word, yes. You would be stupid.

Lots of people have sexual history with people their next squeeze will have a connection with. In a country as small as Ireland, it's nearly impossible not to.

Especially (and I'm not saying you are, obviously!) in a minority or close-knit group. It would be nearly impossible for me to find a girlfriend (if I was looking for one!) who one of my other gay friends hadn't at the very least dated.

Long story- you need to get over it, or move on now. You have no right to information about her past, and vice-versa. And to be fair, you have no idea if she knows girls you've been with in the past. It's certainly not outside the bounds of possibility. Would you be happy for her to hold that against you?

Dr Jakub

Why not dump her and move on if it's bothering you?

racso1975

Worked up wrote: »

I have a million and one questions running through my mind.

None of which you honestly want the answer to firstly. Secondly its not really any of your business.

Look he may be your mate and they slept together but for whatever reason it didn't work out. If shes with you for 2 months shes obviously see's it going somewhere. She was honest from the start and told ya about them you made the assumption they hadn't slept together. You cant go saying she never told you.

Out of interest how did it come up in conversation? Did she decide to inform you of this fact or were you prying? If the later you can see why you dont really want those answers.

As you said its your thing and you need to get over it. You are obviously aware she has no feeling for him. So then what continues to be the problem. The fact your mate has slept with her first and this affects your ego? Its not like he's gonna slagging you over it and if he does he's not much of a mate and you need to tell him that's a no go area.

Why not dump her and move on if it's bothering you?

We really have become such a disposable society. Why try to fix something? Why try to make something work? Just dump dump dump :rolleyes::mad:

Yellow pack crisps

I can understand it on some level! But what bothers you more her past with your friend or not seeing her again? If you do stay with her don't ask questions it's a past thing for her and honestly none of your business and it will create problems. She told you she isn't interested in him so take her word on that and leave the past alone! It's your ego that's the problem and not what she did.

retro:electro

Did you tell her everyone you've ever slept with before getting with her? Her past none of your business. If you give her hassle over this it's really unfair. You've two choices; get over it or move on.

Morris Moss

I'll be honest, if you decide to stay with her you'd want to be 100% sure your over it, because if not you'll end up resenting her and it'll end up being doomed before you've even started.

mazwell

I slept with my fiances friend before we got together. In fact the first time I ever met my fiance he was along with that friend. Everyone has a past and that's exactly what it is, the past. But if it's bothering you this early then maybe you should do you both a favour and move on

mapaca

Worked up wrote:

Am I being stupid here to give up a person I really like because of who she was with in her past ?

In a word, yes. Her past is none of your business. Your past is not her business either. If you really like her and the relationship is otherwise great, then stop thinking about it and look to the future instead.

Rekop dog

There's a reason these types of threads pop up so often, the OP's in question always get a hard time for being insecure ect. But it's got to be built into the male psyche to feel deflated when such a situation arises. Instead of fighting it and trying to pretend be the perfect /flawless/ rounded secure person modern society wants you to be, dump her as its always gonna niggle away at you and that's fine. There's plenty of women out there that haven't slept with one of your close mates that you'll feel better about dating.

ManOfMystery

Rekop dog wrote: »

There's a reason these types of threads pop up so often, the OP's in question always get a hard time for being insecure ect. But it's got to be built into the male psyche to feel deflated when such a situation arises. Instead of fighting it and trying to pretend be the perfect /flawless/ rounded secure person modern society wants you to be, dump her as its always gonna niggle away at you and that's fine. There's plenty of women out there that haven't slept with one of your close mates that you'll feel better about dating.

That's a great approach. The girl gets dumped for being honest, so next time she'll be more guarded with what she actually tells to a potential suitor. And so the great circle of mistrust starts.

It's not built into the male psyche. I went out with a girl for 5yrs who was with a good friend of mine for about 4yrs before that. Anyone with any degree of maturity, self-confidence and common sense can get over it.

How about he actually deal with this issue and get over it, and maybe go on to enjoy a fulfilling relationship with her? Who she was with him before him has absolutely no bearing on their relationship unless he lets these things fester into something ugly in his head.

Ursus Horribilis

The head and the heart are very different things though. Logically, you would be mad to throw this relationship away because your ego is wounded. Your girlfriend did nothing wrong and it'd be grossly unfair to punish her for it.

On the other hand, the heart is about as irrational as it gets. People can tell you in so many different ways that you're being foolish and are wrong. But, if you can't come to terms with her past, then maybe you should break up. I don't think any woman would want to be with a guy who's judging her based on her past. This is the sort of thing that can niggle at you and undermine your relationship.

Perhaps you could play out this scenario in your head. Dump her and then try to imagine how you'd feel in the aftermath. Would you be regretful? Relieved? Annoyed at yourself?

Rekop dog

ManOfMystery wrote: »

That's a great approach. The girl gets dumped for being honest, so next time she'll be more guarded with what she actually tells to a potential suitor. And so the great circle of mistrust starts.

It's not built into the male psyche. I went out with a girl for 5yrs who was with a good friend of mine for about 4yrs before that. Anyone with any degree of maturity, self-confidence and common sense can get over it.

How about he actually deal with this issue and get over it, and maybe go on to enjoy a fulfilling relationship with her? Who she was with him before him has absolutely no bearing on their relationship unless he lets these things fester into something ugly in his head.

Well in the ideal world yeah. But life is anything but, and he's clearly uncomfortable with it. It's all well and good that you could overlook it, but surely you have the capacity to realise we're not all wired the same and certain things affect others more than perhaps you.

These recurrent issues wouldn't arise in the first place if the lolbasic advice people dish out here was as easy to put into practice. At our core we're all jealous, petty and insecure, some people learn to hide or suppress it better but what's the point if there's an easier option there.

Morris Moss

uch wrote: »

None of your business what she did before she knew you, and I don't see why she should have to explain herself

That's all fine and dandy but from what I'm reading she told him she was with his friend, so she made it his business, she had right to say nothing about sleeping with his friend because nothing good was going to come of it.

Ande1975

I think you need to get over it OP. Its not a big deal.
For what its worth a good friend of mine (now married years) kissed a guy who is now married to her sister. They all joke about it. The kiss happened when we were in school/college and we're now in our 40s. In the grand scheme of things its only an issue if you make it one.

SusieBlue

Whose to say someone from your past won't pop up at some stage on your girlfriends radar? Ireland is a small place and it's not unlikely to happen.
How would you feel if she judged you and reconsidered your relationship because of relations you had with someone years ago, who she no longer speaks to or has feelings for? How would you feel to lose someone you care about over something you cannot control and as petty as that?

Unless you were a virgin who had their first kiss with her you have no right to be annoyed over this. As I said someone from your past could crop up just as easily. People in glass houses and all that.

SusieBlue

Whose to say someone from your past won't pop up at some stage on your girlfriends radar? Ireland is a small place and it's not unlikely to happen.
How would you feel if she judged you and reconsidered your relationship because of relations you had with someone years ago, who she no longer speaks to or has feelings for? How would you feel to lose someone you care about over something you cannot control and as petty as that?

Unless you were a virgin who had their first kiss with her you have no right to be annoyed over this. As I said someone from your past could crop up just as easily. People in glass houses and all that.

ManOfMystery

Rekop dog wrote: »

Well in the ideal world yeah. But life is anything but, and he's clearly uncomfortable with it. It's all well and good that you could overlook it, but surely you have the capacity to realise we're not all wired the same and certain things affect others more than perhaps you.

These recurrent issues wouldn't arise in the first place if the lolbasic advice people dish out here was as easy to put into practice. At our core we're all jealous, petty and insecure, some people learn to hide or suppress it better but what's the point if there's an easier option there.

Because the easy option isn't always the right option.

What's easy - dump her? Run away? What if the next girl has some 'history' which perks his curiosity and causes insecurity again? What about the girl after that?

The hard thing is dealing with it head on. But that's how you move past these things and get to a better place mentally.

I totally agree we're not all wired the same. But that doesn't mean we can't rewire ourselves.

uch

Morris Moss wrote: »

That's all fine and dandy but from what I'm reading she told him she was with his friend, so she made it his business, she had right to say nothing about sleeping with his friend because nothing good was going to come of it.

Except Honesty

Rekop dog

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Because the easy option isn't always the right option.

What's easy - dump her? Run away? What if the next girl has some 'history' which perks his curiosity and causes insecurity again? What about the girl after that?

The hard thing is dealing with it head on. But that's how you move past these things and get to a better place mentally.

I totally agree we're not all wired the same. But that doesn't mean we can't rewire ourselves.

I'm all for embracing irrationality if it leads to an overall higher level of contentedness. People are too rational these days, it's disingenuous and imo there's a strong correlation with growing lack of personality, basically turning into uber pc robots.

Saying this will rear its head again isn't necessarily correct, could easily meet someone with no ties to friends that he'll be happier with. So yeah I advice him to take the easy option if it's bothering him that much.

rgace

uch wrote: »

Except Honesty

I honestly don't believe honesty is the best policy in this situation.
Ideally don't mention it at all and if that's not possible, play it down as just a drunken kiss or similar.

If you feel like this is going to eat away at you, then you should break up with her. It's not her. It's not what she did. It's not the relationship. The issue lies with you. Unless you can get over it, then it'll just make everything miserable.

Johngoose

I think it is down to the individual.It is difficult for some people to get over such issues for others it is not.If you can't get over it I think it will destroy this relationship in the end anyway,so it might be easier to end it now.

Sunflower 27

She likely told you so you wouldn't hear it from someone else. How much of this is about ego?This all sounds very juvenile to me, but I am in my 40s, so that's probably why.

If you like her, be mature, and put this behind you. If you can't, move on. It really doesn't need to be a big drama.

Augme

I'd irked about her not being honest about it from the start.

The flying mouse

Augme wrote: »

I'd irked about her not being honest about it from the start.

What you mean, As been said already its no business of anyone's who you have been with before. What difference does it make anyway ? We are all trying to find love n security, There is bound to be discarded/broken relationships a long the way.

eviltwin

Augme wrote: »

I'd irked about her not being honest about it from the start.

It's none of your business. You don't have a right to know the sexual history of anyone. I think she actually did you a courtesy telling you herself before you found out from a third party. I appreciate its awkward and uncomfortable but she can't undo what's been done. You have to either move on from her which would be a loss of a potentially great relationship or you can accept the situation and try and move beyond it. You need to examine exactly what it is that this is bringing up for you. Tbh even if you end the relationship with her I would doubt you'd be able to move on with the male friend so it's possibly two relationships you are going to lose out on. Try and look at the bigger picture.

Meauldsegosha

Augme wrote: »

I'd irked about her not being honest about it from the start.

She wasn't dishonest with him. She told him about the other guy and he assumed they had only kissed, which he was fine about. It only became an issue when the OP was told they had a sexual relationship. As another poster mentioned, the Op needs to be mature about this. His girlfriend has a sexual past, which is perfectly fine and she shouldn't be judged on it.

suicide_circus

Ideally you could put it behind you but I can totally understand why it would play on your mind. We are flawed human beings and not always capable of mature and logical separation of these things. Either way don't beat yourself up about it. It's no one's fault. Just one of those things.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

uch wrote: »

None of your business what she did before she knew you, and I don't see why she should have to explain herself

Why is it that this 'advice' is always the first thing on this topic even when the OP contains things like this?

Worked up wrote: »

she didn't know me then and I didn't know her so obviously should be no issue.

I know the problem is firmly with me and I need to make a decision to get over it or not but I am finding it very hard to do so.

I mean is it just me or is it spectacularly unhelpful and beside the point? If someone came to you saying they'd been watching TV all day and had a headache, and asking what to do, would you give them a paracetomol or say 'Well you have a headache because you've been watching TV, idiot.'? The OPs barely ever come back in these threads and it's hard to blame them.

If you are still reading OP, this is difficult but it's very much a choice you can make. You rationally know that it's not a big deal, so there's no point dwelling on it - you wouldn't be supressing legitimate concerns, just stuff you know is basically stupid and pointless. Think of it like an embarrassing incident from your teens or something, you can dwell on it and dwell on it and let it ruin your mood, or work on forgetting it.

Is there someone (not not NOT your gf) with whom you can talk about this? Often just verbalising concerns like this - and seeing someone else's reaction - can put them in perspective, whereas in our heads they seem huge. Obviously it'd have to be someone you really trust and are comfortable with, it may not be an option.

There are many methods that can help to regulate and control thought patterns and negative emotional reactions, you can have a google of them yourself (mindfulness and CBT would be good starter terms) and see if any appeal to you, they could be useful tools in general as well as in this particular situation.

Augme

The flying mouse wrote: »

What you mean, As been said already its no business of anyone's who you have been with before. What difference does it make anyway ? We are all trying to find love n security, There is bound to be discarded/broken relationships a long the way.

eviltwin wrote: »

It's none of your business. You don't have a right to know the sexual history of anyone. I think she actually did you a courtesy telling you herself before you found out from a third party. I appreciate its awkward and uncomfortable but she can't undo what's been done. You have to either move on from her which would be a loss of a potentially great relationship or you can accept the situation and try and move beyond it. You need to examine exactly what it is that this is bringing up for you. Tbh even if you end the relationship with her I would doubt you'd be able to move on with the male friend so it's possibly two relationships you are going to lose out on. Try and look at the bigger picture.

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

She wasn't dishonest with him. She told him about the other guy and he assumed they had only kissed, which he was fine about. It only became an issue when the OP was told they had a sexual relationship. As another poster mentioned, the Op needs to be mature about this. His girlfriend has a sexual past, which is perfectly fine and she shouldn't be judged on it.

I agree it's not his business. Problem is she made it his business by saying it to him. So when she decided to do that then she either needs to fully up front or just not say anything. She went with the half-assed approach of telling him, but not divulging the full details. Fairly obvious she covered it up and then only spilled the beans because she probably realised he find out eventually anyway.

SusieBlue

Augme wrote: »

I agree it's not his business. Problem is she made it his business by saying it to him. So when she decided to do that then she either needs to fully up front or just not say anything. She went with the half-assed approach of telling him, but not divulging the full details. Fairly obvious she covered it up and then only spilled the beans because she probably realised he find out eventually anyway.

And if she hadn't said a word and he heard it elsewhere he'd be posting saying he was suspicious she kept it to herself.
In this situation, she was damned if she did and damned if she didn't.
I personally think she handled it great, told him herself so he wouldn't hear it from someone else and didn't give too many details to show she no longer had any interest in the other man.

cloudatlas

This problem has come up before on here. O.P. she probably enjoyed the sex with him too so if you have a problem with that then set her free so she can have other non judgmental enjoyable relationships with with someone who is open minded. I noticed you haven't responded to any of the advice given so there's your answer, you will self destruct this relationship, leave.

Wompa1

If it bothers you now, it'll likely continue to bother you. I'm in the break up with her camp. Is it immature?...maybe, I don't know. If a girl I was with was with a friend of mine, I'm not sure how I'd feel. Would probably depend on what I'm looking for in the relationship and who the friend was!

Kal El

I personally can understand your thinking, I wouldnt be able to be with someone who was with one of my friends. There are plenty who are cool about it, someone mentioned Ireland being a small country, just me personally couldnt do it