hate living with boyfriend

LegacyUser

hello i moved in with my boyfriend of three years a few months ago, his driving me up the wall we fight at least four times a month, both of us cant afford to move out so we are stuck living with each other, he works full time im out of work at the moment and we cant move home any ideas what we should do?

Big Bag of Chips

Go to counselling to learn how to communicate with each other without arguing.

LegacyUser

What are the fights about? Are they over petty things that escalate, or are there fundamental differences in outlook that will not change or you can't compromise on, meaning you two may not ultimately work in the long run? You must think about this before making a decision. Thing is most people are hard to live with, we're all different. You're together 3 years so if you love each other don't let the little things get to you, you really do have to put pride and stubbornness aside and learn how to live with another adult with compromise and patience. Usually the issue is communication, so counselling could work but it does take just that; work. And both of you must be committed to making it work and accepting your own faults and shortcomings.
If you really don't see a future, keep looking for work something will come up, if you really can't move home, you'll have to save up a deposit to move into a house share.

Mr. Incognito

People that live together can fight. Learn to communicate better

racso1975

do you want to stay in the relationship?

prinzeugen

Give each other space and quiet time. It takes time to adjust to living together.

Myself and my OH had the same problem years back but got over it.

My OH still gets on my tits most nights (and I know I get on his) but we have ways of dealing with it to avoid arguments and 15 years later it still works!

brian00278

Break up and look for someone else who you will get on with better, preferably with their own house!

pookie82

Did you guys have a good relationship before moving in? This is exactly why living together generally makes or breaks a couple.

That said, there's often a bedding down period of a couple of months where you're finding out all of the irritating quirks of a person and you can clash over a lot of mundane stuff. Are the fights related to house hold stuff, like who takes out the bins or looks after the electricity bill? Different opinions on where dirty laundry should be stored, etc.?

Or are they fundamental disagreements on the core aspects of your future?

Small, day to day issues can be resolved with organisation, rosters and lots of communication. A sense of mutual respect and pulling your own weight is necessary. That's if you want to stay together at this stage. How do you think he feels? Is it make or break time for him, too?

DukeOfTheSharp

I keep hearing about things like this, and I wonder why people ever think it's a good idea to move in with a boyfriend/girlfriend before the five year mark. That aside, the idea of communication can be great, but reading the word 'hate' usually means this is a done deal. Talk to some friends, see if anyone needs a roommate in the near future and plan accordingly. Better still, keep an eye out for multiple people looking for a new roommate as that'll lower your rent significantly.

I'd love to give you optimistic advice here, but in the last six months I've dealt with five people who moved in with their other half who're now either desperately searching for a new place to live, or are back at home with their parents, totally single and cursing the day they ever thought moving in with their other half was ever a good idea. Some people just aren't compatible in close-quarters; it isn't a case of an adjustment period, communication or even time, it's a case of two people making a huge leap and then immediately falling into the cliches of fighting about anything and everything regardless of how important or stupid it is.

FortySeven

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

I keep hearing about things like this, and I wonder why people ever think it's a good idea to move in with a boyfriend/girlfriend before the five year mark. That aside, the idea of communication can be great, but reading the word 'hate' usually means this is a done deal. Talk to some friends, see if anyone needs a roommate in the near future and plan accordingly. Better still, keep an eye out for multiple people looking for a new roommate as that'll lower your rent significantly.

I'd love to give you optimistic advice here, but in the last six months I've dealt with five people who moved in with their other half who're now either desperately searching for a new place to live, or are back at home with their parents, totally single and cursing the day they ever thought moving in with their other half was ever a good idea. Some people just aren't compatible in close-quarters; it isn't a case of an adjustment period, communication or even time, it's a case of two people making a huge leap and then immediately falling into the cliches of fighting about anything and everything regardless of how important or stupid it is.

Sorry but putting a five year rule in place is a bunch of arse biscuit. Nobody I know waited 5 years to move in and most are still together.

Then you suggest she gets info a houseshare with her friends?

You don't see the massive hole in your argument there?

Clampdown

Why can't you move home? If you're out of work there isn't really another option. I was in the same situation and I didn't want to move home at all but it was the only way to get out of a toxic situation where both of us had turned into a much nastier version of ourselves.

DukeOfTheSharp

FortySeven wrote: »

Sorry but putting a five year rule in place is a bunch of arse biscuit. Nobody I know waited 5 years to move in and most are still together.

Then you suggest she gets info a houseshare with her friends?

You don't see the massive hole in your argument there?

So in your view, the fact that the OP and her boyfriend are together three years, moved in together and have instantly become horribly miserable and incompatible isn't connected at all? Good on your mates for moving in together before five years passed, but that doesn't apply here. Take a step back and examine the OP's words here, 'hate' is in the title, she's unhappy, and despite what your mates may have done, it clearly isn't working in this case. Five years is enough time to know the ins-and-outs of any relationship, and obviously in the OP's case, an extra few years might've helped them avoid what has turned out to be a huge mistake that's landed them in a crappy situation.

What 'massive hole' are you referencing here? Are you implying that her friends are directly equivalent to her boyf? Because that's not the case. At all. Expectations, communication and compromise are massively different in both of those scenarios. These things aren't remotely equatable, so how are you coming to that conclusion? Friends aren't the same as an other half, there are massive differences and variations in those two scenarios. And also, just to point out, if you have advice to share, maybe impart it on the OP, who's looking for it?

Merkin

No squabbling or dragging the thread off topic please.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Some kind of five year rule for moving in together is crazy. If it's difficult at three years, it'll be difficult at five. If it's not going to work at two years, why wait three more to find out. I would agree that taking the plunge before say a year is up is going to put a lot of pressure on a relationship though.

OP you're going to have to work on why you're fighting, both of you. You say he's driving you up the wall, what's he doing? Is it worth fighting over?

In my experience of cohabitation, there's a certain amount of stuff that will bug you, but you just have to get over it. Especially when it's your first time living with a partner (not sure if that's the case with ye) it can be hard to let go of "I like things done this way, why can't they do them the way I like in my own house?" and "I don't see the point of doing things this way, why am I always getting crap about it in my own house?". It's both your house, neither one is the boss, and I find it's very helpful to keep in the mindset that your partner is your ally who you love, not your adversary.

brickmauser

iamworried27 wrote: »

hello i moved in with my boyfriend of three years a few months ago, his driving me up the wall we fight at least four times a month, both of us cant afford to move out so we are stuck living with each other, he works full time im out of work at the moment and we cant move home any ideas what we should do?

Get a job save up and move out

echolima

If it's just everyday bickering, my advice would be to try your best to work through it. Explain what your problems are and find out what you can do to keep your OH happy. Fighting comes with living in close quarters.
When I started college, I moved in with my best friend, sharing a twin room. Within a month I was fit to kill the girl, she was messy, always in 'my space', wouldn't do her dishes. It got to the point where I sat her down and told her what was wrong. It turned out my obsessive neatness and nagging was getting to her too. We had the worst argument of our 8 year friendship, but we got over it. We had to learn to compromise.
If you want to stay together, I advise you to be honest with each other and have a mature conversation. Good luck!

DukeOfTheSharp

To be honest, I feel like a lot of these replies trying to equate a romantic relationship to friendships are, at best, unhelpful. At worst, their attempting to falsely equate to massively different scenarios which only confuses and muddies the issue at hand.

In this case, I think you moved in far too early with your boyf, and you two were never really compatible to begin with. You simply did what a lot of people do and dived into a situation without really thinking, and everyone can be guilty of that, and it may have been more out of necessity than want, given your financial situation, but it can happen. The important thing now is to understand that this isn't for you, and that you've already seemed to have mentally checked-out, given that you can't seem to stand your other half anymore. Fighting four times a month isn't normal, and that implies that this has been going on for over a month. No amount of talking or compromise will make this situation any better. You're better off moving in with friends (read: people you aren't romantically involved with, therefor the interpersonal issues are easier to deal with) or moving home, because this will only get worse the longer it goes on.

athtrasna

My grandmother used to say "if you want to know me come live with me" and I have found out, to my peril, how true this is. In my case it meant the end of my relationship but I couldn't have continued to live with him. He wasn't willing to try to fix the problems.

OP you say you don't want to live with him any more, do you want to remain in a relationship with him?

racso1975

Moving in out of need instead of want is rarely going to end well

kunst nugget

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

I keep hearing about things like this, and I wonder why people ever think it's a good idea to move in with a boyfriend/girlfriend before the five year mark. That aside, the idea of communication can be great, but reading the word 'hate' usually means this is a done deal. Talk to some friends, see if anyone needs a roommate in the near future and plan accordingly. Better still, keep an eye out for multiple people looking for a new roommate as that'll lower your rent significantly.

Moved in with my girlfriend after a year. 17 years later, we're still together and married for the last 13 years.

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

I'd love to give you optimistic advice here, but in the last six months I've dealt with five people who moved in with their other half who're now either desperately searching for a new place to live, or are back at home with their parents, totally single and cursing the day they ever thought moving in with their other half was ever a good idea.

I very much doubt these people would have been any more compatible living together after hitting the five year mark - in fact I'd wager they would be even more bitter having wasted five years plus on someone they were incompatible with.

elefant

kunst nugget wrote: »

Moved in with my girlfriend after a year. 17 years later, we're still together and married for the last 13 years.



I very much doubt these people would have been any more compatible living together after hitting the five year mark - in fact I'd wager they would be even more bitter having wasted five years plus on someone they were incompatible with.

Agree 100%.

ibarelycare

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

To be honest, I feel like a lot of these replies trying to equate a romantic relationship to friendships are, at best, unhelpful. At worst, their attempting to falsely equate to massively different scenarios which only confuses and muddies the issue at hand.

In this case, I think you moved in far too early with your boyf, and you two were never really compatible to begin with. You simply did what a lot of people do and dived into a situation without really thinking, and everyone can be guilty of that, and it may have been more out of necessity than want, given your financial situation, but it can happen. The important thing now is to understand that this isn't for you, and that you've already seemed to have mentally checked-out, given that you can't seem to stand your other half anymore. Fighting four times a month isn't normal, and that implies that this has been going on for over a month. No amount of talking or compromise will make this situation any better. You're better off moving in with friends (read: people you aren't romantically involved with, therefor the interpersonal issues are easier to deal with) or moving home, because this will only get worse the longer it goes on.

You're contradicting yourself here. What's the point in wasting 5 years with someone before moving in together only to find out then that you're incompatible? I'd rather find all that out sooner rather than later.

DukeOfTheSharp

ibarelycare wrote: »

You're contradicting yourself here. What's the point in wasting 5 years with someone before moving in together only to find out then that you're incompatible? I'd rather find all that out sooner rather than later.

I keep seeing this kind of response, but the fact is that if the OP hadn't moved in with her boyfriend then they would've most likely broken up long before the five year mark, since after three years they seemingly turned on each other overnight. Take into consideration that issues where 'hate' is used and where people are obviously in a toxic relationship rarely occurs out of the blue. These are long-standing issues that come to a head, usually long before people move in together.

The idea that you have to move in with someone to test those waters is madness, and I honestly can't fathom why people impose this view onto what I'm saying, other than they seem almost insulted by the insinuation that this situation is totally different to theirs. How hard is it to understand that what I'm saying is actually straightforward? Don't move in together immediately, not in this day and age, don't even move in together within 3 years. If you can make it to 5 years, then there's something there and long-term commitment is possible, but the very idea that you need to move in together to prove you're compatible is nonsense. How many relationships end after years because two people have gotten sick of each other, and haven't moved in together to come to that conclusion?
It's actually irresponsible given the financial climate and the fact that the OP is now stuck in this crap-ass situation, desperately seeking a way out, is stark evidence of that. You might've had a great experience with this, that's fantastic. Not everyone is you...in fact, the vast majority of people aren't you. Most people don't or simply can't have your kind of experience. The OP is one of these people, and the notion that a toxic relationship can be salvaged is the opposite of helpful.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

We have very little detail from the OP. They could be a young couple fighting over petty nonsense because of immaturity and inexperience, which is very fixable if that's what both parties want.

A five year rule is impractical and not really of any use. You seem to be reading way too much into the situation in a very rigid way, possibly because of recent events in your social group. There's no more evidence that the relationship is toxic than that it's just teething difficulties.

A big change at any point in a relationship will probably be a challenge, surely the important thing is that both parties are emotionally intelligent, committed and willing to work, not some arbitrary time limit. Some people can move in within six months and it goes fine (I did that in fact, if I'd followed your advice I'd have missed on two years and counting of the happiest living situation I've ever had), some people can move in or get engaged after seven years and it's over six months later.

ibarelycare

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

I keep seeing this kind of response, but the fact is that if the OP hadn't moved in with her boyfriend then they would've most likely broken up long before the five year mark, since after three years they seemingly turned on each other overnight. Take into consideration that issues where 'hate' is used and where people are obviously in a toxic relationship rarely occurs out of the blue. These are long-standing issues that come to a head, usually long before people move in together.

The idea that you have to move in with someone to test those waters is madness, and I honestly can't fathom why people impose this view onto what I'm saying, other than they seem almost insulted by the insinuation that this situation is totally different to theirs. How hard is it to understand that what I'm saying is actually straightforward? Don't move in together immediately, not in this day and age, don't even move in together within 3 years. If you can make it to 5 years, then there's something there and long-term commitment is possible, but the very idea that you need to move in together to prove you're compatible is nonsense. How many relationships end after years because two people have gotten sick of each other, and haven't moved in together to come to that conclusion?
It's actually irresponsible given the financial climate and the fact that the OP is now stuck in this crap-ass situation, desperately seeking a way out, is stark evidence of that. You might've had a great experience with this, that's fantastic. Not everyone is you...in fact, the vast majority of people aren't you. Most people don't or simply can't have your kind of experience. The OP is one of these people, and the notion that a toxic relationship can be salvaged is the opposite of helpful.

You're effectively saying that if the couple had made it to 5 years together before co-habiting, then things would be fine. That doesn't make sense. 3 years together is a long enough time for many people to know if they want to live together, and they've discovered that they're obviously not compatible. It wouldn't matter whether they were together 3 years, 5 years or 15 years, the reality is that they've realised they can't live together. The relationship was doomed, and an extra two years living separately is highly unlikely to have changed that.

I haven't mentioned my own living situation or even whether I'm in a relationship or not so I'm not sure why you're bringing that into it.

I don't know why you're so staunchly fixated on this seemingly magic five year benchmark when all you have to base it on is anecdotal "evidence". No doubt for every couple you know who moved in together before 5 years and then split up, there's another couple who someone else in this thread knows who moved in together after less than five years and are in a very happy relationship.

Big Bag of Chips

I bought a house with my now husband within 6 months of starting to go out with him. We were moved in by about 9 months together. 17 years later we're still managing. Unless you move in with someone you never really know their habits. Weekends away or the odd night staying with each other doesn't compare. Living together is different. And I can't see how after 3 years another 2 years together but not living with each other would make any couple more likely to succeed. As others have said, the same problems would have still arisen, just 2 years later.

OP, it's a big change moving in with someone who you've known for so long. You get to see all their habits and traits that might irritate you that you wouldn't otherwise have seen. You get to see how good/bad they are at general day to day household stuff that you wouldn't otherwise be aware of. Some people transition fine, (even after a few months!) some don't. It's all about communication. I'm guessing you loved him prior to moving in together? You were excited about moving in? You had plans and ideals? If so then just communicate better with each other. Realise you are both different and even though a person shouldn't have to fundamentally change who they are when it comes to sharing a confined space people need to compromise. If you are doing things that irritate the other person, obviously you should try to not do it too much, but the other person should also learn to pick their battles and "don't sweat the small stuff". Decide what is worth arguing over and let go the rest. It can take time to get used to. But if you still love each other, then it is something that absolutely can be worked on.

The Draugan

MOve out simple as , nothing is going to change while you stay there ... i did it twice once in College with a girl i was only with a couple of months didn't work out we broke up both moved home ... the second time i had lived out of home on my own for 18 Months with my GF living there on and off i was in Cork for work she was in Dublin (where we're from) when i moved back we moved in together bit of a little more then we could chew in terms of rent left us a little strapped , and we were living quite close to my folks so that caused a few rows , did it for 5 moths and decided it was either move out or kill each other.

we moved out i went home not something i wanted to do having not lived with my folks for 3 years at that stage , so did she , we did hotels every second weekend for about 6 months then she got a place with friends , i was there a good bit eventually moved back in with her 18 months ago , we got engaged 6 months later and have been happy out this time round.

we talked allot about what went wrong that first time after we'd both moved out , its allot easier to be rational from a distance nearly impossible when you're living in it , if you want to save this relationship OP Move out.