Relationship therapy - worries

LegacyUser

Late last week my partner and I attended therapy for the first time. We have not got very bad problems but wanted some help in learning how to communicate more successfully. We have a 1 year old. The service was through accord.

We were told at the start that any indication that our child is at risk would be reported. Obviously this is a good thing. Now though I am ill with worry.

Through the course of this first session we went through a questionnaire. One section focused on arguments. We were very clear that we rarely raise voices and when we argue we ensure that the baby is not in the room. There is never any abusive behaviour, never any physical abuse and that by argument we mean a snap at each other or a few words of disagreement.

At the end of the session the therapist said that there is another questionnaire we must do due to our answers on the first one. I can't remember her exact words but she did mention a risk of domestic abuse. This is absolutely ridiculous. We literally went for help communicating with each other. There is no abuse or anything like it.

Neither of us want to return but I am awake now worried sick that this "risk" will be reported somewhere and our parenting called into question or worse our baby taken.

I can't believe that simply trying to avail of some tips could lead to me feeling like this.

Does anybody know if I am right to be worried and what I can do.

Loveinapril

I can understand that you are worried but you are over reacting. Once there is a child involved, the therapist has to do her job in ascertaining the risk. If you fill out the next questionairre truthfully, it will be clear that there is no risk to your child.

You went for counselling to help your relationship. This will help your daughter in the long run. Therapy is tough. Please don't throw it away because of an uncomfortable line of questioning.

It is such a misconception that children are taken away from parents at the drop of a hat. Even if there was domestic violence in your relationship, there would be huge pieces of work undertaken to address all of this in the home. I have a friend who worked in a domestic violence service and I worked with kids in care for years. I have never known a child to be taken into care because of domestic violence in the home alone.

LegacyUser

OP here
Thank you for your reassurance. I do know one woman who claims to have had her children removed for very small reason. I suspect she is not being truthful but it's playing on my mind. I was up all nightworrying and now today have a heavy feeling in my stomach. I'm so sorry we ever started. I pushed my partner for this, what was I thinking? I really don't want to go back but am worried if I cancel the therapist will assume the worst. If we don't return will that be the end of it?
From our chat yesterday, we left thinking that we don't actually need therapy, just to change a few small things. This is besides the worry I have. This worry came up right at the end and I had already thought that we didn't need to do more, my partner agreed with me when we left.

Magicmatilda

The therapist is under a legal obligation to be very careful about what risk the child may be in. This is under the children first legislation. However it sounds like they have not been great at explaining this or addressing your concerns. I think you should go back and explain your fears to the therapist at the start of your next session, she should be able to allay them. It will be worth it to sort out the communication problems you have.

Also as someone else mentioned children are not taken from parents that easily. A court must approve that children be removed and honestly Tusla (the child and family agency who deal with this) are so overstretched they are barely getting to deal with very serious cases of abuse, never mid a couple having a verbal argument.

I would imagine these questionnaires are standard for any couple with kids.

Big Bag of Chips

The woman who said her children were taken off her for little reason is most likely not disclosing the full truth. There is probably a lot she wouldn't admit to. People who get in trouble like that often have to blame others for their situation rather than accept responsibility for themselves.

The questions your therapist asked you are standard. And telling you of the need to report anything if there's a child protection issue is also standard. You and your partner would not be unusual. People tend not to go to relationship counselling if all is hunky-dory! So everything you and your partner would have said would have been heard in practically every session she's ever had with every other couple.

Continue to be truthful. They need to check up on everything. Everything. It's by not fully checking people that children end up being left in terrible situations. It's uncomfortable and worrying for you, but in a way you should be reassured that they are being so thorough. Communicate with your partner. Realise that you both are on the same path and both want the same things - a stronger relationship and a happier family for your baby. Once you both are on the same page things will work out.

eviltwin

As already mentioned there are guidelines around child protection that professionals now have to adhere to. The therapist is just giving you the standard spiel so you are aware. Although therapy is a confidential space child safety is an exception so you need to know.

If there was anything that was flagged they would encourage you to contact Tusla yourself. It would only be if they had a real concern that they would do it themselves. Social workers are not really about removing children from the family home, it's actually their job to help. The system here is not designed to remove children wholesale unless they are at serious risk and sometimes not even then.

Be completely honest with your therapist, don't hold things back out of fear. Reporting is actually quite rare, I work with vulnerable families and I've never once had to make a report to anyone, my place of work has only had one report in the last seven years and that was a serious risk of violence. Remember the therapist is there to help and support you, not to catch you out or make things worse. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I hear your fears as I had them too when we accessed therapy through Accord but I would make one suggestion and that is to not use Accord anymore.

We had a terrible experience with them and by mid way through, i was being accused of being a perpetrator of domestic violence and my husband was a victim. We had to fill out these very intrusive questionnaires and the therapist used to split us up and see if we answered the same questions the same.

My downfall? I admitted during one of the sessions that I banged my fists on my husbands chest during a horrible horrible time in our lives. It happened once in our whole 18 years together.

We ended up leaving Accord (at my husbands request too) and I received a call from them saying that this therapist was going to be taken off our case as she didn't conduct herself properly. But we didn't go back and thankfully everything is ok now.

I've heard nothing but bad stories from people who used Accord. Maybe they aren't what you guys need right now...just my personal experience.

And also to put your fears to bed......the questions re child protection are standard issue.

Sunflower 27

Op, discuss any fears with your therapist. Or Google Children First guidelines. The info is all available online. The therapist was just doing her job. If any abuse is revealed, as said, she is obligated to break confidentiality and report it.

LegacyUser

Notaccord it does sound like you had a tough time. Thanks for sharing your experience. Similarly the therapist wanted to split us up for a questionnaire too. There was very little beyond answering the questionnaire, although that is apparently the same for every first appointment with them.

Sunflower, my worry is that our child was not discussed at all, except for me to say that we do not shout because we have a child and we would not want to be heard arguing. She corrected me saying that it makes no difference that disagreements would be heard anyway. She then asked another question along the lines of "are all disagreements dealt with to the satisfaction of both parties" we said they are not but we don't tend to dwell on them. She responded that it would be "not a nice atmosphere for a child". Now in hindsight I might be over thinking her comments because I've been feeling anxious about the whole appointment since we left.

We've decided we won't be going back.