Different financial situations

sozbox

Hoping to hear some similar stories and advice on this.

Started seeing a great woman around 3 months ago, everything is going extremely well and I think we both see a future together.

The issue is, although we're in the same age bracket we're in very different places financially.

I'm in the process of buying a house and would earn much more than her while she's currently looking for work as she was laid off recently and has exhausted her savings.

It's not an issue for me at the moment but I've started to see how it's impacting us, I don't want to suggest doing something that costs money for fear it will put her under pressure I.e going out for a nice dinner

Anyone else been in this situation?

My attraction towards her hasn't been affected , I can see she's doing her level best to find new employment but I fear the financial difference may come between us as it's such a new relationship.

Xterminator

in 3 months time she might have found good work, and be much better place financially. seems a little premature to worry about this.

LegacyUser

There's loads of nice stuff you can do that costs very little
Walks, hikes, cycle, run, cook a nice meal, go to an art exhibition, watch a film, go to a rugby match, comedy night....It just takes a little imagination& lateral thinking.
The lack of money shouldn't be an issue for now- it's a temporary thing. You might find yourself in a similar position one day.
What would be an issue- but thankfully doesn't seem to be- is if she was not seeking new employment & / was seeking or expecting you to finance her. Which she's not. This is a good sign- some couples don't discover this until years into the relationship.

woodchuck

Only suggest doing things that you can both afford, or if you want to do something more expensive, would you treat her?

JeffKenna

Bring her out for a meal and don't be so tight.

sozbox

JeffKenna wrote: »

Bring her out for a meal and don't be so tight.

Jesus Christ. What is the matter with you?

Of course I do, but don't you think that would get a bit expensive doing it a few times a month?

Conor Bourke

JeffKenna wrote: »

Bring her out for a meal and don't be so tight.

Do you not realise that she might feel uncomfortable if she can't return the favour if she's previously used to being able to pay her way?

LegacyUser

dcxcvvv wrote: »

What would be an issue- but thankfully doesn't seem to be- is if she was not seeking new employment & / was seeking or expecting you to finance her. Which she's not. This is a good sign- some couples don't discover this until years into the relationship.

+1 If you don't think she's expecting you to finance her I don't see the issue. She's lost her job and used her savings to live on, it's happened to a lot of folks. It would be different if you said she was just bad with money and spent it wastefully and didn't think about savings or long term as that's an on going issue but it just sounds like she's in a bit of a rut right now.

Katgurl

sozbox wrote: »

Jesus Christ. What is the matter with you?

Of course I do, but don't you think that would get a bit expensive doing it a few times a month?

Seriously? No, not really. I can't believe you would take her nice places and split the bills when she's temporarily unemployed. She's looking for work, she isn't a freeloader presumably. Tell her you're treating Her and you don't expect her to pick up the bill next time either - if she's a generous but financially stuck person she will likely offer to make you dinner and organise other stuff until she's working.

If you think she is a freeloader that's a whole other story.

I was recovering from being sick last year and only decided to go back to work when I met someone. I'd found a good job but hadn't started. He used to insist on going out to nice places and not let me pay becuase he knew I was stuck. I can't tell you how much I appreciated it. I'd never been short of money before and him making it such a non-deal was lovely. My first pay-cheque went almost exclusively on making it up to him and from then on we were practically fighting over the bills.

peekachoo

It's definitely down to the person though and OP will have a better idea if she would like that or not. If it was more than one dinner I was being treated to I would find it uncomfortable myself. Especially when you could easily just organise to have dinner in one of the homes - cheaper and funner as you can cook together! Its nice being treated or treating once in a while of course but when there's so many cheaper alternatives I certainly wouldn't enjoy him splashing out on dinners on a regular basis.

Katgurl

peekachoo wrote: »

It's definitely down to the person though and OP will have a better idea if she would like that or not. If it was more than one dinner I was being treated to I would find it uncomfortable myself. Especially when you could easily just organise to have dinner in one of the homes - cheaper and funner as you can cook together! Its nice being treated or treating once in a while of course but when there's so many cheaper alternatives I certainly wouldn't enjoy him splashing out on dinners on a regular basis.

I'd agree except his reluctance seemed to be about it being expensive for him, not uncomfortable for her.

I think it's mean of him and nothing more.

JeffKenna

sozbox wrote: »

Jesus Christ. What is the matter with you?

Of course I do, but don't you think that would get a bit expensive doing it a few times a month?

The relationahip is great. You're only issue is the cost of bringing her out for a meal a few times a month while she is temporarily unemployed and seeking work.

That's tight.

leggo

Yeah I think a little more info is needed before we just call the OP tight.

OP how does this work in practise? So you take her out and offer to pay and does she try to pay? Does she thank you or do anything nice in return? Does she expect it now or does she feel uncomfortable doing certain things knowing she can't pay her way? When you ask to treat her does she suggest you do something else or does she just go along with it?

For me paying is never an issue once I know things are 50-50 in other ways. If I get a sense someone is starting to see me as a wallet or a handy way to do nice things they can't afford, though, it's gonna end fairly quickly. Especially if it's early on because it's not likely to get better from there. Again it isn't the money but just the attitude in general is unattractive.

peekachoo

Katgurl wrote: »

I'd agree except his reluctance seemed to be about it being expensive for him, not uncomfortable for her.

I think it's mean of him and nothing more.

All I got from the OP was that he doesn't want to make her uncomfortable by asking her out because he doesn't want to put her under pressure with money. Maybe he knows she's too stubborn to let him pay for her? Maybe I'm being too kind with my assumptions but I think the OP is coming from a kind place?

sozbox

Wow, the level of snap judgement here has really surprised me, I thought this forum was for advice. Do you judge people like this in real life too?

Thanks to the last two posters who are on the money about the situation. The main issue here is her feeling bad about herself because she's in a different place financially. I don't want to make that worse by paying for everything, she appreciates the odd treat but feels terrible if I do it all the time.

For the record, I've no issue paying, I know full well the situation could be reversed down the line. She gives back in other ways and acts of kindness but I'm beginning to sense that she is being really hard on herself when she compares her situation to mine. And I hate that because there's more to life and to a person than income.

My approach has been to make us feel like a team rather than have her compare herself to me as that's not going to end well if she keeps putting herself down. But obviously the longer the lack of work continues the harder it is.

I see a future with her which is why I want her to think of us as a unit rather than two individuals but as it's early days I don't want to come on too strong either.

And I don't want money to ruin a great relationship.

leggo

Okay well then your problem seems relatively straightforward to fix. As is the case with anything in relationships: it's about give and take and meeting each other in the middle. Maybe you don't go out as much and have more movie and pizza nights (especially coming up to Christmas, which is a stressful time even for financially comfortable people!), or whatever it is you guys do when you're just chilling. I remember I was in a similar situation with someone who was out of work and they loved to repay the favour by having me come over and making me dinners (not that I suggested that!), so they felt like they were giving and it was evenly distributed. You're conscious of how she feels, so just act accordingly and maybe limit the amount of times she feels that way.

tara73

I get the feeling from OP's last post the lack of money is just the symptom, the real problem here is actually her being unemployed and it starts nagging at her, at her self worth and self esteem.
I don't know in which field your partner works, whether it will be relatively easy to find a new job or not. If it's the latter it's another bad factor for her mood.

I think the easiest thing is, as so often, to talk to her about it. Reassure her you have no issues with her being unemployed and maybe most importantly, give her hope, optimism, tell her she's a great, talented person and will find a new job very soon. And listen to concerns she might have.
When I was unemployed, people who believed in me, gave me their good words and optimism, helped me the most.