Access issues

ccro

Hi guys,

I feel that these particular threads are geared towards men, but I will post mine anyways. I'm a single mum to my eight year old son. I have brought him up mostly on my own. When I fell pregnant his father didn't want to know but when my son was born I consistently tried to get him involved. Eventually he did.
He is a good dad but has a quick temper especially if he doesn't get his own way.
Up until a year ago I would drive a 4hour drive on a Saturday and Sunday so his dad could see him once a month, he never requested more time. Now my son is of a great age he moved closer and would have him every second weekend, but again with me driving my son half wy there and back.
I have always gone out of my way to allow access. During the summer months my son went to his dads mostly every weekend as I was over during the holidays so I was being good. Now my son is back in school the dad still wants him every weekend. I have explained that every second weekend works best and my son doesn't actually want to go every weekend as he has activities etc on at weekends. The dad has now gone to his solicitor and is threatening taking me to court. I contacted my solicitor and spent over €100 in one week which I couldn't really afford, but had to pay.
The dad wants my son every single weekend from Fri eve to Sunday eve. I love the weekends with my son as I work all week and we plan things for the weekend.
My solicitor says it is highly unlike the judge wil grant him access every single weekend.
I would love to hear from others in a similar situation as if my son is to go every weekend I will be heartbroken as it is just me and him and our pet dog!

Any help of advice would be greatly appreciated.

Neyite

Mod:

Hello CCRO, I've split out your post into a new thread as the other one was 6 years old so might have out of date advice

ccro

Neyite wrote: »

Mod:

Hello CCRO, I've split out your post into a new thread as the other one was 6 years old so might have out of date advice

Thanks a million!

eviltwin

Let him take you to court. There is nothing wrong with asking for more access but it has to be in the best interests of the child and every weekend is not in his best interests. Just out of curiosity, why are you doing all the donkey work here? Why can't dad come up to see his son from time to time?

ccro

eviltwin wrote: »

Let him take you to court. There is nothing wrong with asking for more access but it has to be in the best interests of the child and every weekend is not in his best interests. Just out of curiosity, why are you doing all the donkey work here? Why can't dad come up to see his son from time to time?

As if I didn't drive the distance he wouldn't have seen him. If I ever stood up to him and said I couldn't drive he flipped and said I was denying him access etc. Every weekend is not in the best interests of my son as you said.
Also, when he first moved closer I tried to make a formal arrangement of every second weekend and an evening during the week, but he said he couldn't commit to that and to just ''see how things go''. Now he is demanding to see him every weekend.
He sent me a letter from solicitor stating I was in breach of breaking our arrangement of every weekend. That I was purposely curtailing his access out of spite. An agreement I never and would never make, so I hope the judge can see my side and see through his lies.

mordeith

ccro wrote: »

Also, when he first moved closer I tried to make a formal arrangement of every second weekend and an evening during the week, but he said he couldn't commit to that and to just ''see how things go''.

ccro wrote: »

He sent me a letter from solicitor stating I was in breach of breaking our arrangement of every weekend.

Can't see how that can be implied by a solicitor since there is nothing to show you had any sort of agreement at all. Let him take you to court if he wants. The judge will decide what's best for the child (I would hope).

Big Bag of Chips

In the eyes of court you can't be in breach of an agreement that hasn't been court ordered. He's flexing his muscles and trying to bully you into agreeing to his demands. So the judge won't listen to "breach of agreement" arguments. As far as court is concerned, there's no agreement, yet.

I would let him take you to court, but go prepared for what you want. Look at it as a positive thing that will formalise access, and pick up and drop offs. I would suggest you stop running around after him. Of course facilitate access, but you can argue that you cannot continue with all the driving. And especially not every weekend.

Let him argue then that he doesn't want to drive much of a distance to collect his son.

ccro

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

In the eyes of court you can't be in breach of an agreement that hasn't been court ordered. He's flexing his muscles and trying to bully you into agreeing to his demands. So the judge won't listen to "breach of agreement" arguments. As far as court is concerned, there's no agreement, yet.

I would let him take you to court, but go prepared for what you want. Look at it as a positive thing that will formalise access, and pick up and drop offs. I would suggest you stop running around after him. Of course facilitate access, but you can argue that you cannot continue with all the driving. And especially not every weekend.

Let him argue then that he doesn't want to drive much of a distance to collect his son.

Thanks everyone for your replies. My son is due to go to him Friday 18th so I will say I can't drove so he will have to collect him and drop him.
If/when we go to court I will update you and also in the meantime if anything happens.

Thanks again

eviltwin

Maybe going to court would be a good thing. At least you will all know where you stand. This can't be nice for your son either. If you contact AIMS Family Law they can give you some free,impartial advice on the process, what to expect etc.

ccro

ccro wrote: »

He sent me a letter from solicitor stating I was in breach of breaking our arrangement of every weekend. That I was purposely curtailing his access out of spite

mordeith wrote: »

Can't see how that can be implied by a solicitor since there is nothing to show you had any sort of agreement at all

Indeed. What exactly was the text of the solicitor's letter? I wouldn't be surprised if he was faking this, I can't imagine sending such a letter.

Rest assured, what you are offering isn't unreasonable, particularly since he's refusing to commit to any weeknights. A weekend each is perfectly fair and he can come and collect his son.

And I would be very wary of offering him anything further that you think may calm the situation as he appears to be one of those people who takes a mile if you give an inch.

It's actually in your best interests to go to mediation/court and establish a formal arrangement.

ccro

I believe the letter was really from his solicitor, as my solicitor sent a letter in return stating no such arrangement had ever been made. Although there has been no contact from his solicitor his most recent text was about not sticking to every weekend and that he would see me in court!
Again, this can all be brought before the court and I have been in contact with my family law solicitor who agrees that I have gone out of my way more than needed and so every other weekend is perfect. What person could say that every single weekend away to his dad was fair on the mother.
Especially when I want a formal arrangement but centred around what is best for my son.

OK so see him in court and tell him so. In the meantime, start making a diary of all the time your son has spent with his father this year and going forward, as well as the proposals you've made to him but which have been rejected. Also, keep his texts and anything he writes in e-mail/letter.

Be prepared for court but stick to your guns in the meantime. What you are offering is for the good of everyone but mostly your son.

Also, ask him to attend Family Mediation with you. This could sort everything out without going to court and will give you some peace of mind in the meantime.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/cohabiting_couples/custody_of_children_and_unmarried_couples.html

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/separation_and_divorce/family_mediation_service.html

Big Bag of Chips

And stop driving around to suit him.

Maybe meeting half way isn't too bad. But don't offer that in court. Let him suggest it and see what the judge says. You can suggest pick up/drop off at your house every second Friday-Sunday. Let him request you drive to meet him every week and see what's agreed on.

But stop being "nice" to him. He's taking it as a weakness. You have been the one to nurture the relationship between the 2 of them. If he's so adamant about his rights let him go and look for them.

Dravokivich

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I would suggest you stop running around after him. Of course facilitate access, but you can argue that you cannot continue with all the driving. And especially not every weekend.

I'd second this. Access is about designating availability. The responsibility is on both parties to comply with it as practically as they can together. He can't have you all tied up by it whereby his time with the child becomes time you've lost getting the child over and waiting to receive the child back.

Deleted User wrote: »

Also, ask him to attend Family Mediation with you. This could sort everything out without going to court and will give you some peace of mind in the meantime.

Mediation won't achieve anything unless both parties are willing to engage. It doesn't sound like he is. Everything is very over handed from my reading of the posts above.

ccro wrote: »

If/when we go to court I will update you and also in the meantime if anything happens.

Just a word of caution, you need to be very careful of any details you mention of whatever occurs within the family courts. Especially when it comes to commenting online.

Dravokivich

Dravokivich wrote: »

Mediation won't achieve anything unless both parties are willing to engage. It doesn't sound like he is. Everything is very over handed from my reading of the posts above.

Of course, which is why I said "ask him". It will demonstrate his willingness (or lack thereof) to amicably organise this situation to the OP AND to any future court case.