Stay at home loneliness

Willow16

Hello all,

This is my first post here. I'm a mother to a seven month old. Even before getting pregnant I knew I would not return to my old job. I worked very, very long hours and had a three hour commute as well as weekend hours. I had this idea of motherhood - being happy to be at home and basking in motherly love. I didn't want to return to work because I would never see my baby and I wanted to have a strong bond with her, which I do.

However. I am completely and desperately lonely. I love my daughter so much and thank god she is healthy. But every day my husband leaves the house I feel a crushing sense of despair knowing I've 10+ hours to fill without him. I beg him to stay at home or take a sick day.

I have no help from either family. No visitors during the week and my best friends are not parents so work full time. My daughter is an incredibly fussy baby which adds to the stress. She had reflux and colic and only catnaps so it has been hard to say the least. I have joined mother and baby groups. Taken baby massage classes, swimming lessons you name it. These only fill 1-2 hours of the day. I've tried going to the park to bump into other mothers, but my daughter just screams so I return home.

Every single weekday morning I sob while my daughter stares at me. I'm now looking at putting her into a cr che part time because I find myself so frustrated with her I worry I'll become a bad mother. And I'm not a bad mother despite my circumstances. I was dead set against a cr che but think now it maybe be the best thing.

I apologise for the long post, and I'm not sure what I'm looking to gain except some words of empathy or reassurance that it may one day get better. Because right now, though glad I am to have my daughter, I just feel lost and alone.

Thanks in advance.

bp

Oh you poor thing, loneliness is awful. You need time to yourself too as a happy mammy is essential. Would you consider speaking to your GP about the possibility of PND? It is something a lot of mammys (myself included to a small extent) have suffered from.

I was lucky to meet friends at a bf supporting group whom I adore and still see years later. Absolutely look into crèche, socialisation may help. Where are you based?

Moonbeam

Would you consider going back to work locally and part time?

Sunny Dayz

Do you get out of the house at all and do something for yourself? You do need to have a bit of "you" time. Have you any hobbies? Many hobbies people take part in have a broad range of people and you could meet some people who are also stay at home parents, unemployed or part-time or shift workers who could meet for a coffee or a walk during the weekday.

brevity

Are there any Facebook parenting groups in your area?

When my wife was off on maternity leave she found one - she didn't meet up as she had her sister but it might be an option for you?

EDIT: Sorry just saw that paragraph in your post.

Maybe speak with your GP about yourself and the baby?

Willow16

Thank you so much for your kind and helpful words. I am in Dublin 15. I'd love to get a three days a week job. I've never looked for part time work so I don't know if there would be many positions out there. I still really want to be there for my daughter.

I have wondered if I have PND. I love my daughter beyond reason and she was so longed for, but she is such hard work. So I don't know if it's because I'm dealing with it mostly alone or I do have depression. But I cry every morning after my husband leaves. I feel so lonely and overwhelmed. I spend a lot of time just looking out the window.

painauchocolat

You poor thing, you have my full sympathy. Don't forget that lots of mums get a babysitter to come to the house while they're there from time to time. Gives you a chance to catch up on sleep or do some tasks that aren't baby friendly, or just head somewhere for a break. You don't have to be a working mum to avail of childcare!

Do try a few different things to break this cycle for yourself, and see your GP as well. How you're feeling isn't unusual but it's not sustainable either.

The most important thing, in my opinion, is that you start to feel happy and secure again. This is how you will be the best mum you can be. So don't feel any guilt about what you need to do to get yourself back to a good place!

Aveen

Sorry to hear you feel like this. This is my second and the loneliness gets to me. I will be returning to work but couldn't lift my feelings. Be diagnosis with pnd & started meds which have help me not to overthink, sleep & concentrate. If worth talking to GP after all if you can help yourself in anyway it's a benefit to all. GP will be able to rule out pnd if that's not what's going on. And like others said child minders are there for mummy breaks. Mines has reflux and colic I know you feels with cat naps. Chin up it does get better

LegacyUser

Aww OP. I'm at home on leave with a 2.5 year old and a 7 month old. It's an absolute killer somedays. And the toddler is SO much work. She's very full on. She was that refluxy, catnapping baby too, screamed in the car seat, the buggy, the shopping centre etc. She's improved but I chose my outings wisely!!! It's a long day from 6:30am to 5pm here too. I'm lucky in that I have lots of friends off at the moment, and family nearby but we certainly don't have somewhere to be everyday or even every week, you can overdo that too!

The other thing I will say is that make sure your baby is in a good routine. If she isn't already, get her into a good napping routine, so that you have at least some of the day to yourself. I know she's a catnapper, but if you know that 2 hours after you get up, she'll go back to bed for 40 mins and you can have a cup of coffee, that is worth a million dollars. That gets you to maybe 9:30/10am, and then you could go out somewhere. Be back for lunch, and get her back to bed again. It's not much but if she's a bit all over the place right now, a rigid routine will make your life a lot easier. I had to do it with my first, and have also done it with my second. It's boring but it makes your job as a parent easier. And definitely get yourself a couple of hobbies for when your OH comes home.

You have to get out for a walk somewhere everyday. Your baba should be old enough now to sit in a swing in the playground surely? Try finding local mother and baby groups, your PHN may have some ideas. I'd talk to the GP too, just in case. Being a mother is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and no matter how much you love your kids, some days you'd (well, I) would just love to be left alone.

I don't know what your background is, but there are lots of part time jobs if you look around online. Even find something volunteering a couple of days could be better than nothing (and you never know, may lead to a parttime job). I have awful guilt about being a working mother, but honestly, I'm now 7 months at home with my pair and (I've never admitted this to anyone) - I need to go back to work at least part time. I feel like a lousy mother at home full time because they drive me so mad somedays. I never thought I'd feel this way, but I do. Loneliness is a killer and small children are not the best company for the same adult all day every day. But you do have to put yourself out there and try to meet new people or you'll go nuts. I learned that with my first.

Beautythecat

Willow16 wrote: »

Hello all,

This is my first post here. I'm a mother to a seven month old. Even before getting pregnant I knew I would not return to my old job. I worked very, very long hours and had a three hour commute as well as weekend hours. I had this idea of motherhood - being happy to be at home and basking in motherly love. I didn't want to return to work because I would never see my baby and I wanted to have a strong bond with her, which I do.

However. I am completely and desperately lonely. I love my daughter so much and thank god she is healthy. But every day my husband leaves the house I feel a crushing sense of despair knowing I've 10+ hours to fill without him. I beg him to stay at home or take a sick day.

I have no help from either family. No visitors during the week and my best friends are not parents so work full time. My daughter is an incredibly fussy baby which adds to the stress. She had reflux and colic and only catnaps so it has been hard to say the least. I have joined mother and baby groups. Taken baby massage classes, swimming lessons you name it. These only fill 1-2 hours of the day. I've tried going to the park to bump into other mothers, but my daughter just screams so I return home.

Every single weekday morning I sob while my daughter stares at me. I'm now looking at putting her into a cr che part time because I find myself so frustrated with her I worry I'll become a bad mother. And I'm not a bad mother despite my circumstances. I was dead set against a cr che but think now it maybe be the best thing.

I apologise for the long post, and I'm not sure what I'm looking to gain except some words of empathy or reassurance that it may one day get better. Because right now, though glad I am to have my daughter, I just feel lost and alone.

Thanks in advance.

Dear willow16

I really empathise with you. And fair play to you for articulating what you're going through so eloquently. I think many stay at home mum's have to greater or lesser degrees felt what you've so well described.
I am a stay at home mum too and my second child is 8 months old. Getting out most days to meet friends and go walking is vital to my well-being. Most of my friends work so I made connections in my neighbourhood. You are Dublin 15, as am I. If you're close to Ashtown, I run a parent and toddler group on a Friday morning and if you're interested, you can pm me and I can give you details.

You are doing all the right things. Sometimes people make out like there's some idyllic life to being a stay home mum. But it's hard. It's full on. Often the other half - through no malice - is blissfully unaware of how hard it is. Sometimes I would be expecting my husband home at a given time and he might be 15 minutes late. Those extra 15 minutes would be sometimes a killer for me as I anticipated his arrival so I could share the care of our then first child (a crazy boy). It took him a while to get that.

But though it's hard, it is amazing too and these days will pass. You will come out the other side. And you are clearly doing a wonderful job. You need to look after you as well.

There's a great book - I think it's called something like 'what mothers do, especially when it looks like nothing'. Get it and read it.

Don't be afraid to reach out for help wherever that may come from - family, friends, Gp.

Pm me as I said if you want details of our little group. Might be one more thing to break up your week.

Stay strong

Beautythecat

Willow16 wrote: »

Hello all,

This is my first post here. I'm a mother to a seven month old. Even before getting pregnant I knew I would not return to my old job. I worked very, very long hours and had a three hour commute as well as weekend hours. I had this idea of motherhood - being happy to be at home and basking in motherly love. I didn't want to return to work because I would never see my baby and I wanted to have a strong bond with her, which I do.

However. I am completely and desperately lonely. I love my daughter so much and thank god she is healthy. But every day my husband leaves the house I feel a crushing sense of despair knowing I've 10+ hours to fill without him. I beg him to stay at home or take a sick day.

I have no help from either family. No visitors during the week and my best friends are not parents so work full time. My daughter is an incredibly fussy baby which adds to the stress. She had reflux and colic and only catnaps so it has been hard to say the least. I have joined mother and baby groups. Taken baby massage classes, swimming lessons you name it. These only fill 1-2 hours of the day. I've tried going to the park to bump into other mothers, but my daughter just screams so I return home.

Every single weekday morning I sob while my daughter stares at me. I'm now looking at putting her into a cr che part time because I find myself so frustrated with her I worry I'll become a bad mother. And I'm not a bad mother despite my circumstances. I was dead set against a cr che but think now it maybe be the best thing.

I apologise for the long post, and I'm not sure what I'm looking to gain except some words of empathy or reassurance that it may one day get better. Because right now, though glad I am to have my daughter, I just feel lost and alone.

Thanks in advance.

Dear willow16

I really empathise with you. And fair play to you for articulating what you're going through so eloquently. I think many stay at home mum's have to greater or lesser degrees felt what you've so well described.
I am a stay at home mum too and my second child is 8 months old. Getting out most days to meet friends and go walking is vital to my well-being. Most of my friends work so I made connections in my neighbourhood. You are Dublin 15, as am I. If you're close to Ashtown, I run a parent and toddler group on a Friday morning and if you're interested, you can pm me and I can give you details.

You are doing all the right things. Sometimes people make out like there's some idyllic life to being a stay home mum. But it's hard. It's full on. Often the other half - through no malice - is blissfully unaware of how hard it is. Sometimes I would be expecting my husband home at a given time and he might be 15 minutes late. Those extra 15 minutes would be sometimes a killer for me as I anticipated his arrival so I could share the care of our then first child (a crazy boy). It took him a while to get that.

But though it's hard, it is amazing too and these days will pass. You will come out the other side. And you are clearly doing a wonderful job. You need to look after you as well.

There's a great book - I think it's called something like 'what mothers do, especially when it looks like nothing'. Get it and read it.

Don't be afraid to reach out for help wherever that may come from - family, friends, Gp.

Pm me as I said if you want details of our little group. Might be one more thing to break up your week.

Stay strong