Teenager caught shoplifting

lovely gurl

Please bear with me cos I'm not sure if I'm more angry,shocked,disappointed or upset.
Just got a phone call from the local shop to say my 15 yr old caught shoplifting things for his lunch.He was just too lazy to bother making any so stole it instead.They were watching him cos he's at it for 2 weeks.
So disappointed as there have been other incidents lately and I'm not sure how to deal with him.Mainly there's a part of me going it's not peer pressure it's a good kick up the arse he needs.Hes an only child and definitely not short of anything.Is this a phase?I'm so embarrassed as I try to do my best with him,I was a single parent for his first 7 years he's 15 yrs now.
I informed the school myself and have asked for help they are going to refer him to neps for an evaluation.
Any advice?I'm at my wits end,he's normally a good kid and doesn't give cheek or trouble generally etc.

o1s1n

I think this is a phase a lot of young lads go through. I know myself and my mates when we were young kids used to nab a bag of crisps or a can of coke now and again showing off to each other. Stupid really.

ScouseMouse

What is the shops attitude? I am an ex shopkeeper and have called the parents in, who then paid me for what had been stolen, and then barred the person. Or are they taking it further?

You say that there are other incidents? Would it be worthwhile having a friendly guard put the fear of god into him? It has been done before.

tracey turnblad

Have the Gardaí been called?

Baybay

Talk to your son about it.
He may have what he thinks are valid reasons for this behaviour, as you say, laziness or just nothing nice in the house that he wants to have.
He may be being dared, initiated, bullied by his friends or others.
He may like the thrill of it all.
He may be using the money that he might spend buying lunch on something else, alcohol or cigarettes perhaps.

lovely gurl

tracey turnblad wrote: »

Have the Gardaí been called?

No thankfully the shop didn't want to go down that road.Im going in tomorrow to repay what he owes with a donation to match it to a charity of their choice as a thank you for not getting the guards involved.I think they could see we will deal with this very seriously ourselves.

ted1

The best thing they could do might be call the guards , if he is good he'll get a fright., but unfortunately if he is bad he might get worse

punisher5112

Might be a good idea to talk to local community Garda and ask could they have a chat.

Could be the kick up the a## he needs.

Jayop

o1s1n wrote: »

I think this is a phase a lot of young lads go through. I know myself and my mates when we were young kids used to nab a bag of crisps or a can of coke now and again showing off to each other. Stupid really.

Yeah I wouldn't be OTT worried about it. Clearly is't something you want to sort out asap but it's not some sign that he's going to be a kleptomaniac or a career criminal. Loads of teenagers will do this, girls robbing makeup from boots and the likes too. Hopefully it's just a quick phase and the embarrassment of getting caught will sort him out.

Good luck!!

lovely gurl

ScouseMouse wrote: »

What is the shops attitude? I am an ex shopkeeper and have called the parents in, who then paid me for what had been stolen, and then barred the person. Or are they taking it further?

You say that there are other incidents? Would it be worthwhile having a friendly guard put the fear of god into him? It has been done before.

They have been decent I think in that they let me decide about whether or not to inform the school which I did.I have a friend a local guard who is going to call out for a chat with him.The principle was pretty shocked and seems to think it's just peer pressure but in my book that's not an option.This is something that I need to nip in the bud now.I work in retail myself so I'm used to dealing with the occasional shoplifter so I can see the slippery road ahead if I don't sort this out now.

lovely gurl

Right just to update,brought him into the shop today with a written apology and 25 euro to replace stock and another 25 euro for a charity of their choice as a thank you for not calling the guards.Making him sell games or something to refund me,he has been shifted into the spare room,all his electronics have been removed,phone taken away,grounded,not allowed down town at lunch for the rest of the year,Christmas is cancelled for him in that instead of getting a present I'm donating the money to Bóthar,pricing animals there tonight.
He'll certainly learn what REAL hunger is about not taking chocolate Milk and chocolate bars cos he couldn't be arsed to make his lunch.
I'm so angry with him.
He couldn't even look at the manager only mumbled a pathetic heart hearted sorry.
He was due a trip away with the rugby club and now he's not allowed on that either.
Am I doing more harm than good?I mean am I socially isolating him a bit too much?
My heart is just broke from him the last 3 weeks.

Damien360

lovely gurl wrote: »

Right just to update,brought him into the shop today with a written apology and 25 euro to replace stock and another 25 euro for a charity of their choice as a thank you for not calling the guards.Making him sell games or something to refund me,he has been shifted into the spare room,all his electronics have been removed,phone taken away,grounded,not allowed down town at lunch for the rest of the year,Christmas is cancelled for him in that instead of getting a present I'm donating the money to Bóthar,pricing animals there tonight.
He'll certainly learn what REAL hunger is about not taking chocolate Milk and chocolate bars cos he couldn't be arsed to make his lunch.
I'm so angry with him.
He couldn't even look at the manager only mumbled a pathetic heart hearted sorry.
He was due a trip away with the rugby club and now he's not allowed on that either.
Am I doing more harm than good?I mean am I socially isolating him a bit too much?
My heart is just broke from him the last 3 weeks.

Punish him but don't hold a grudge till Christmas. A month of pain is enough and look for a real apology to you. If that is not coming then think further down the road to Christmas.

tinkerbell2310

ted1 wrote: »

The best thing they could do might be call the guards , if he is good he'll get a fright., but unfortunately if he is bad he might get worse

Maybe get him into the shop cleaning the floors or washing up from deli counter as a punishment and also to pay back what he has stolen. Also I would maybe bring him down the station and ask one of the guards to have a little talk in his ear.
Maybe its boredom or maybe he is doing it for the thrill.. If its the latter then I would be a bit worried cos when the thrill goes then he may look elsewhere for bigger ones and more dangerous..
But hopefully its just something small

Nervous Wreck

OP, sounds like you're doing a great job. Tbh, I'd lay off on cancelling Christmas as I think his lesson will be well learned by that point. For the rest I think you're spot on if a bit more harsh than I'd probably be. I would suggest that sooner rather than later you establish a positive line of communication. Going forward he'll need to know that while you're not hesitant in punishing him you're also there to talk to him if he needs it.

That said I do think this is normal enough acting out to be a hard man or a rebel. Probably impressing no one but himself but this will surely make him think twice in future. Fair play to the shop owner as well.

lovely gurl

tinkerbell2310 wrote: »

Maybe get him into the shop cleaning the floors or washing up from deli counter as a punishment and also to pay back what he has stolen. Also I would maybe bring him down the station and ask one of the guards to have a little talk in his ear.
Maybe its boredom or maybe he is doing it for the thrill.. If its the latter then I would be a bit worried cos when the thrill goes then he may look elsewhere for bigger ones and more dangerous..
But hopefully its just something small

I'd have loved to get him cleaning floors or something,nothing wrong with honest hard work,but unfortunately can't do that for insurance purposes but I have a friend a garda who will be having a friendly chat.

tinkerbell2310

lovely gurl wrote: »

I'd have loved to get him cleaning floors or something,nothing wrong with honest hard work,but unfortunately can't do that for insurance purposes but I have a friend a garda who will be having a friendly chat.

Sounds like ur doing the right thing. Good luck with everything

PopTarts

Don't cancel Christmas on him and don't cancel his trip away. You can punish him in other ways I imagine. It's his childhood and while he was wrong to do what he did, there could be a 100 reasons for it. My parents stopped me from a trip years and years ago and it's still something I remember and throw at them (jokingly) now and again. Stopping me from the trip though didn't make me a better person (I'm in no way bad but that punishment didn't shape me) It's a punishment you'll prob regret. I think a lot of teenagers do it for whatever reason. Talking to him and letting him know how disappointed you are with him might be better. If he's a good kid he will hate that he's disappointed you. You know your son and you know if this was just something to do and hope to get away with. I know when my parents stopped me from my trip I was pretty down about it. Let him enjoy his childhood but make him realise what he has done is completely unacceptable. Keep the electronics from him, keep him grounded but give him some leeway. When he remembers his childhood these are the things he will remember. You don't want him remembering the Christmas you cancelled.

lovely gurl

He has a bit of a weight issue and I have him attending a dietitian.I think that's the reason he took chocolate etc.I deliberately do not give him cash for going down town as he takes a packed lunch and would only buy chocolate if he had the cash.He has absolutely no will power and didn't think of any consequences or repercussions.
He's allowed a fun size with his lunch so he's not completely deprived but he's due back at the dietitian in a few weeks but I'll talk to her in advance .If he needs money for anything he always gets it but I try to manage what he has for the above reasons.
I'm also bringing him to the gym and looking back he's stopped looking like he was loosing weight about a month ago and now I know the reason why!He doesn't get weighted in the gym as the focus is fitness not weight loss on scales and he looked great after the first 2 months,his clothes fitted better etc and his self esteem was much better.
There's a part of me relieved it was chocolate etc and not things like alcohol or games that he took if that makes sense.

Michelle_b

I think you are a really good Mum trying your best for him. With the punishment I tend to agree about Christmas unless any more problems before then. Don't cancel it as especially with working retail for you Christmas Day you want to enjoy and for kids even teenagers it's what they talk about. Also the trip away perhaps tell him if he is on best behaviour and works hard on gym that he can go. With regards to weight issue what bout a cheat treat he is allowed pick every week to get on Saturdays. Just an idea and then knows he gets something he is missing, good luck with everything and I'm sure he realises he messed up after month of punishment I'm sure he will not repeat ever again x

lovely gurl

Going to rethink Christmas so and the away trip provided there's no other incidents.
I was a single parent for the first 7 years and I think that's partly why I'm so hard on him.
I just want him to understand my values,honesty and hard work .It probably would have been easier for me 15 years ago to give up work,apply for a council house and stay home with him but I wanted better for the 2 of us.I bought our home by myself 12 years ago thanks to hard work and overtime on Sundays .He's had a foreign holiday every year since he was 4yrs,probably has too many electronics out of guilt on my part for working so much but that's the standard of living we have thanks to my job.
Hopefully this will be the last incident with him.Thanks for all the advice and reassurances guys xx

jobbridge4life

Definitely don't cancel Christmas. That is not something he will ever forget and it is a time for family and happiness. You'll be punishing him but also yourself and the whole family. Imagine sharing gifts and having him left out? Any guilt he feels will be transformed into resentment... lasting resentment.

Also I wouldn't get too upset by this. Obviously you don't want your son shoplifting and it is distressing to find out that he has been but sometimes good kids do stupid things. If your friends are nicking and getting away with it and it is only small things it is very easy to let yourself blur the lines between okay and not okay especially at an age when peer pressure and group acceptance is so important. It is a phase that a lot of young people grow through. You just want to make sure that he understands this cannot happen again.

Also you sound like a deadly mother and in a few years your child is going to be a man who knows how wonderful his mam is and how hard she works for him.

LoonyLovegood

MOD: Thread moved to PI, forum rules apply

LegacyUser

This jarred a bit uncomfortably for me! Pillar of the community now but when I was 14/15 I had a massive "shoplifting & stealing money from my home to buy sweets" issue. I was a total golden child, good at school, well behaved and no one would have suspected it of me but I was also very, very unhappy. One parent in throes of alcoholism, huge money worries in the family, other parent trying to hold things together but really not coping well, hated school, hated being around other people my own age, eldest kid so worried about those younger than me, uncomfortable in my own skin general teenage angst on top. Oh, and, em, I was very over weight and my one parent, who had been fat as a child and had major issues with food themselves, was absolutely obsessed with my weight and what I ate. (not saying they weren't right to be but I almost felt justified stealing comfort food because how they were about my weight was very uncomfortable for me & because I was a binge eater from a very young age.). I think stealing isn't uncommon among people who are unhappy but don't have the means to buy the things they 'medicate' with.

Could be totally wide of the mark, and I'm not saying my particular issue with a parent who couldn't be 'normal' about my weight is you, but worth bearing in mind if you find yourself hugely angry with your son.

GingerLily

It sounds like this is a lot more to do with food then stealing, he sounds addicted to sweets. If this is the reason he's stealing then cancelling everything else he enjoys is probably not going to teach him anything.

silverharp

if its the first time Im sure the kid is dying of embarrassment , if might be enough punishment for now. Keep an eye on what stuff he has in case it ever escalated and you notice he has clothes or other things you know you didnt give him money for. its generally a phase

WhoWhatWhere

As mentioned earlier canceling christmas is too harsh. The trip away should be on a probation basis. Not to say that if he sneezes without covering his face he's off the trip but if he steals again he can't go. You won't teach him anything by canceling christmas he will just resent you for it. You'll be ruining your relationship with your son.

LegacyUser

lovely gurl wrote: »

He has a bit of a weight issue and I have him attending a dietitian.

I was reading the thread thinking there was more to this than met the eye and this information belonged in the first post. The self-esteem and confidence issues that come from weight management are huge for anyone. His shoplifting is a symptom of that. I think your ideas of cancelling Christmas and a rugby trip are going way too far and more likely to damage his confidence further. Similarly, I think taking him out of his room is too far, that's his place in the world, his home, his privacy, he's now in prison for a first offence and, I suspect, being driven further away from you and less inclined to talk about his feelings which is the last thing you want. As Erma Bombeck wrote, “A child needs your love most when he deserves it least”. Don't alienate him from his rugby friends, a seasonal family event, his private space and above all you, there's neither need nor point in pushing him away over this, this is the time to pull him a little closer and talk to him about what's happening.

There's a recurring suggestion that you have a Garda talk to him about this. This is a huge area of my work and trust me, the idea is rank nonsense in this context, for so many reasons, but above all your son is not headed for a life of crime, he just sent a message to you about his feelings about weight management. Listen to him.

Koptain Liverpool

I'm glad you are rethinking cancelling Christmas and sports trip away because to be honest i think your proposed punishment is way too harsh.

It would be different if he had been caught doing this multiple times and still continued doing it.

Ground him for a week or so. Make sure he knows how unacceptable stealing is. And hopefully that will be enough.

If it happens again then you could look at more severe punishment.

Amanda.ie

Dont get the gardai involved, he will end up on the system with a J LO caution in his profile. Don't cancel Christmas, talk to him but if it happens again then I would take it further.

Airyfairy12

Its a phase, me and my friends used to rob jewellery from claire's accessories and eyeliner and mascara from the chemist when we were teenagers, the majority of kids we knew where doing the same, I remember my cousin getting caught robbing a can of coke when he was about 16, he had money to pay for it but decided to stick it in his pocket instead. Thank god I never got caught, my parents would have killed me. I wouldnt dream of doing it now. I think most teenagers will chance their arm if they think they'll get away with it.

Clampdown

Cancelling Christmas and the sports trip is too much. I know you're embarrassed and want to as you say 'nip it in the bud' to stop him doing worse, but to be honest your disappointment in him will be the worst punishment.

Don't scar him for life over lifting a few chocolate bars, especially if he's having issues with his weight. He's probably so embarrassed he wants to crawl in a hole in die.

Lots of kids go through this phase. I did, and I stole way more than a few chocolate bars. The gang I hung around with were all at it, we lived in a suburb of a US city with plenty of big shops and we all wore super baggy clothes and basically competed to see who could steal the most, or the most ridiculous hardest to steal thing. One guy would go into a clothes shop and literally replace his whole outfit with new gear (they didn't all have security tags like they do now). Another guy once went into a sporting goods store, put on rollerblades and a hockey mask and skated out the door, got chased but he was fast and since he had a head start and went across a busy road he got away. Looking back now it was really rotten but we were just little snots trying to be cool and none of us went on to become career criminals of any kind. Some of us got caught and stopped and others just grew out of it.

I had a really close call and was collared by a security guard outside a shop but just before leaving the shop I had a bad feeling and threw the item back onto a shelf at the last minute. This shop had me pocketing the thing on camera though so even though they couldn't call the police as I hadn't stolen it they still called my mother and showed her the video.

Worst part was, it was such a stupid thing I nearly took - a stick of deodorant! I guess I thought I smelled bad. Actually, I remember now it was a new (at the time) gel deodorant and I just wanted to see what it was like. 14 year old boy logic.

My mother was just as upset as you and I know she was afraid it was due to her being a single working mother that I was getting in trouble, but it was just a stupid rebellious phase. I never did it again because she got so let down over it. I was grounded for a good while and made to do a bunch of chores but like I said it was the disappointment on her face that was the real punishment.

You sound like a brilliant mother and I'd say if me and the pack of punks I hung around with turned out okay, he will be just fine and no need to go overboard with the punishment.

MouseTail

I think your punishment is OTT. Of course there needs to be consequences, but moving him from his bedroom, his private and secure space is really unnecessary and cruel.
The consequences should be appropriate to the misdemenour, you were absolutely right to make him face the shop owner, and repay from his own resources, that and a few weeks grounding would be sufficient in my view.

Augme

I have always thought the idea of punishing someone as a way to teach them to behave "correctly" is one of the stupidest things parents can do. To me it sets a terrible example and smacks of poor parenting. I think you'd be far better off just sitting down with your son and talking to him like he's an adult, rather than an 8 year old.

GingerLily

Severe punishments don't work, my parents tried it and I never responded well or learnt from it. You need to talk to your son and understand why he did and explain to him why it's wrong and what the consequences for him could be if he continues.

If you continue with the punishment you've outlined I think you run the risk of losing all respect from your son and really harming your relationship.

Btw most teenagers pinch stuff, almost all grow out of it.

WhoWhatWhere

Amanda.ie wrote: »

Dont get the gardai involved, he will end up on the system with a J LO caution in his profile. Don't cancel Christmas, talk to him but if it happens again then I would take it further.

He won't have any such thing if she gets a friend Garda to just scare the pants off him.

iwassostupid

Instead of cancelling christmas why not volunteer somewhere like a homeless shelter? Not to say that should be a punishment but as a reminder to him of how lucky he is to have a mom like you. To show him he doesn't have to steal.

brickmauser

Cancelling Christmas is NOT too much.
He wasn't carried in the womb for 9 months and fed and clothed for 15 years to become a thief.
He has to learn that dishonesty and thieving behavior are morally wrong.
In twenty years or so when he is married and a family man he won't be embezzling money from the company he works for or in debt or cheating and lying.
When I was a boy you got your arse reddened with a belt if you stole.
He should count himself lucky.
If he is fat it is because you were spoiling him.
He is a young man now and you should make him work.
Life going be very harsh unless he learns his lesson now.