Paranoid about work gossip

LegacyUser

Im a male late 30s. I'm working for a company nearly 10 years now. I generally like the job and the people but my boss and I hate each other, absolute clash from Day 1. Hes the type to push you hard, bully, and worst of all he gossips with other bosses/workers at break times and I find this abhorrent for someone in that position. In the past he has had complaints against him for disclosing private employee info and I have had a few very nasty rows with him when I felt he was picking on me, to the point where I was saying he was a fcuking nasty and petty man and I felt sorry for him.

Naturally we barely speak these days. Every single communication is email only, I don't greet him or even acknowledge him. Now in the past year I have had a lot of personal problems (my sister is battling cancer and we have to all chip in with treatment, I turned to drink and food to cope and have put on weight), and I feel my boss is smirking at me and gossiping about me to his buddies. I cant prove this of course but now and then he will give me a look of disgust or there could be a roar of laughter and heads might turn in my direction. I'm sure they are mocking me sometimes. Id love to tell him that if he had a shred of humanity he would realize sometimes people are hurting or struggling to cope but he wouldn't give a damn.

I try not to let it get to me as I need to be strong for my family and I have a lot of bills so I need to stay strong. how do I just forget any potential gossiping at work and try and rise above it? I have been telling every new person to beware of him as he is such a scumbag etc,but I'm letting the petty gossip get to me when I shouldn't. How can I change?

Faith

Paranoidandunhealthy wrote: »

I have been telling every new person to beware of him as he is such a scumbag etc,but I'm letting the petty gossip get to me when I shouldn't. How can I change?

While I'm very sorry about your sister, it sounds to me like you're as bad, if not worse, than your boss. You're upset that you think he's talking about you, but you know that you're talking about him and you're unperturbed by it.

It sounds like an extraordinarily toxic and unprofessional environment. It should never, ever have gotten to this point. I don't even know what to advise, other than personal counselling for yourself. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and you seem to have a maladaptive coping style coupled with paranoia, so I think some counselling would be the most beneficial thing. In the immediate term, I'd also advise looking for a new job, as the environment is so unhealthy for all involved.

Wrongway1985

Paranoidandunhealthy wrote: »

Im a male late 30s. I'm working for a company nearly 10 years now. I generally like the job and the people but my boss and I hate each other, absolute clash from Day 1. Hes the type to push you hard, bully, and worst of all he gossips with other bosses/workers at break times

I agree with the other poster and also find it strange you've allowed this tension to build for 10 years.

On your description that worst of all he gossips you seem to weigh heavier than bullying that's very confusing.

Paranoidandunhealthy wrote: »

Naturally we barely speak these days. Every single communication is email only,

I'm sorry "Naturally enough" this is far from natural in a professional working environment. On the gossiping again I gather chances are high this is occuring on both sides as if ye aren't speaking to each other like you say of course information is bound to be funneled through to nuetral coworkers.

LegacyUser

As a reply im trying my best to hold things together at home and thankfully she is responding well to treatment but some days in work i cant be strong and the last thing i need is his mocking laugh when it could easily be him in that situation hes such an a$$.
We dont talk because we dont like each other and theres too much water under the bridge to change now.

Seriously, why don't you look for another job? You're actually enabling your own misery by staying there

Ursus Horribilis

It's utter madness that you're still there after 10 years. Have you not tried to find another job in all that time? There have got to be more opportunities out there now that the economy is picking up. Move now while you're still a young man. It's a toxic work environment you've got there and that's at the root of your paranoia.

Heat_Wave

Paranoidandunhealthy wrote: »

I have been telling every new person to beware of him as he is such a scumbag etc,but I'm letting the petty gossip get to me when I shouldn't. How can I change?

Hi OP, I thanked your post as I found it very sad and I was able to relate, then when I read the above quotation, I removed my thanks, as I wouldn't encourage that behaviour.

While I feel sorry for you, as your position sounds very uncomfortable, you are handling it very badly.

You need to rise above it. Not lower yourself.

Ursus Horribilis

Something else you might need to keep in mind here. It looks like management have turned a blind eye to what has been going on between you and your boss. But what if there's a change in management or someone else working there makes a complaint? Your boss is a prize a-hole by the sounds of things but you have done yourself no favours whatsoever. Even though this is a personal issue between you and your boss, it can't be easy for the other people who are working alongside you. Keep your mouth shut, get someone to look at your CV, upskill if you have to and start looking for another job.

c0deblu2th

Having been through something similar recently and forced to leave my job of ten years I would like to say

1 If the pay is good giving you nice lifestyle then stay put and just remember not everyone is going to like us. Just smile at this nob daily and get on with you day.

2 if pay is ****e time to move on.

3 People become wary of people who talk about others in a bad way. Keep quiet.

4 So what if you have put a bit of weight on. Once when I was shopping on holiday in Tunisia I was at the door of a clothes shop when the assistant shouts out from back we don't sell clothes in large size. Every customer looked at me. I did get embarrassed at the time, but now use it in pub which gets great laugh. When you learn to not sweat the small stuff you will stop letting nob get to you.

Good luck!

ligerdub

If you aren't relying on this specific individual for a reference then I'd leave.

"The fish rots from the head" and all that.

intheclouds

Christ that sounds awful.

I cant stand my boss either but past experience has shown me that people are complex and not all bad (or all good) so I try to look for the good in him and manage my interactions with him as pleasantly as possible. There are other staff members who only communicate with him via email but I just dont think that that is a constructive way to behave at work.

I am surprised by responses here where people think that it is far from normal to communicate via email only in work - ive seen it many times, some individuals are just extremely difficult to communicate with and it keeps the workplace stress to a minimum to avoid face to face with them. Generally one sees a high turnover of staff under such a manager but occasionally you get an individual like OP who decides to stick in the job despite the horrifically dysfunctional nature of it.

OP I would implore you to get a different job. It is so bad for your own health and well being to stick in a job under those circumstances. Your mental health will suffer, your physical health will suffer.

Your own behaviour is not that of an angel either and you need to stop bad mouthing your boss also. This is another reason why this is such a toxic environment for you - you shouldnt feel so cornered that you are trying to turn people away from him - its not good for you.

Big Bag of Chips

By your own admission you're now paranoid about this lad. So, yes, occasionally he probably says something about you. But occasionally he probably says something about others too. And you assume it's about you. So while he's probably, occasionally slagging you off you are definitely slagging him off.

As others have said, keep your head down. Telling anybody new who starts that he's a scumbag isn't doing you any favours. And to be honest, could come back to bite you. You can't have the moral high ground if you are just as bad as him. Keep your mouth shut. Get on with the work and start looking for a different job. What a horrible place to work.

I was going to suggest going to someone more senior and asking them to mediate for you, but you both seem just as bad as each other. So complaining or drawing attention to his behaviour will also shine a light on yours. You don't like each other, and now you've reached a point where there's no way back. You're never going to like each other. So keep your head down and ignore and/or look for another job.

Xterminator

OP - have you ever heard the saying "“Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.”

its from the bible, and its harsh words. But the point i am making is your own behaviour needs to be above reproach before you can complain about someone else.

you cannot control what someone else does. what you can control is how you re-act to it.

so here is my 2 cents, you need to take a harsh look at yourself and your behaviours.

You cannot use bad or unprofessional language when dealing with your boss.
You cannot bad mouth him to other employees.

I know you say this was your response to his bad behaviour and taking you at your word, it is still not acceptable.

You asked for advice on what to do. No1 address your own behaviour & act professionally. When i deal with someone i reckon is unpleseant or dangerous, i kill them with politeness. I never ever react. In fact the nastier they get, the politer i get.

if you want to stay in your workplace, can you look for a move to another dept where he will not be your boss?
however if your relationship is that toxic a new job might be the best way forward.

Rubberchikken

him seeing his behaviour bother you is keeping him going.
i'm sorry you work for such a pathetic person and he is. no professional 'boss' should or would behave towards an employee in this way.
i'd say stop telling any others about him. gossip is a two way street, ignore him and his behaviour, which is crass, and just do your work.
i'd also advise like some of the other posters to maybe start job hunting.
it's tough that your sister is unwell, and with a boss like this, the stress must build at times. i hope you have someone outside work to support you.
take care

gargargar

Xterminator wrote: »

OP - have you ever heard the saying "“Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.”

Doesn't scan very well, does it?