Put down by negative comment

Hibernia93

At the weekend I was in Moldova for the Ireland game and at least twice or three times three individuals made not very nice comments about my personal stature. I've always been quite slim and unhealthy for a lad of my age which I should do something about but that's my business as fair as I'm concerned and struggle to put on weight.
The first comment was by a female it happened in a pub with a lad who I met recently enough came from behind me and said "here is Hibernia93 hes a good lad in a friendly gesture with a hug" a second later a middle aged women said he needs a good feed is what he does state of him far too skinny" I felt disgusted and very upset over it I actually was planning on having a good night but I left the pub 20 mins later and headed back to the hotel with the comment lingering in my head I felt very low in myself. Should I have said something back? or was I right not to respond and make no eye contact and go on my way? The next day the second comment came from someone who asked me to move up the table to make room for the rest of the gang to make room which I did and he said "lose some weight man" in a sarcastic manner to be fair this didn't really bother me but the second after a guy said "you have to be the skinniest man alive I could snap you in half" this really made me feel bad and the table consisting of about 12 Irish lads laughing there heads off didn't help the worst thing about the situation was I couldn't even leave without anyone noticing. The chap who said it to me wasn't much bigger than me and not to sound funny or derogatory but he resembled the mclovin character from superbad which I didn't bring up infact I didn't say anything or look at anyone till about 20 mins later as I'd never like to hurt someone about there appearance but yet this lad got in my head so much that I've fallen back into a depressed state. I actually use trips away with Ireland for something to look forward, In 4 weeks times we're in Vienna for another Ireland game theirs a very good chance I'll run into these people again what should I do? should I just grow up I don't mean to come across as someone who doesn't enjoy the craic I do but I just felt really offended. I know for a fact had I been overweight I highly doubt these people would be so open with the negative comments. In society is it acceptable to slag people off about being skinny? but not okay to slag someone off about being fat?
Thanks for reading.

Johngoose

Hibernia93 wrote: »

At the weekend I was in Moldova for the Ireland game and at least twice or three times three individuals made not very nice comments about my personal stature. I've always been quite slim and unhealthy for a lad of my age which I should do something about but that's my business as fair as I'm concerned and struggle to put on weight.
The first comment was by a female it happened in a pub with a lad who I met recently enough came from behind me and said "here is Hibernia93 hes a good lad in a friendly gesture with a hug" a second later a middle aged women said he needs a good feed is what he does state of him far too skinny" I felt disgusted and very upset over it I actually was planning on having a good night but I left the pub 20 mins later and headed back to the hotel with the comment lingering in my head I felt very low in myself. Should I have said something back? or was I right not to respond and make no eye contact and go on my way? The next day the second comment came from someone who asked me to move up the table to make room for the rest of the gang to make room which I did and he said "lose some weight man" in a sarcastic manner to be fair this didn't really bother me but the second after a guy said "you have to be the skinniest man alive I could snap you in half" this really made me feel bad and the table consisting of about 12 Irish lads laughing there heads off didn't help the worst thing about the situation was I couldn't even leave without anyone noticing. The chap who said it to me wasn't much bigger than me and not to sound funny or derogatory but he resembled the mclovin character from superbad which I didn't bring up infact I didn't say anything or look at anyone till about 20 mins later as I'd never like to hurt someone about there appearance but yet this lad got in my head so much that I've fallen back into a depressed state. I actually use trips away with Ireland for something to look forward, In 4 weeks times we're in Vienna for another Ireland game theirs a very good chance I'll run into these people again what should I do? should I just grow up I don't mean to come across as someone who doesn't enjoy the craic I do but I just felt really offended. I know for a fact had I been overweight I highly doubt these people would be so open with the negative comments. In society is it acceptable to slag people off about being skinny? but not okay to slag someone off about being fat?
Thanks for reading.

To be honest I can relate to you. I find people to be very pass-remarkable and I too struggle with it. I too could think of very cutting comebacks,that would level the offenders,but maybe being too polite like yourself I generally don't stoop to their level.I think the way you carry yourself matters too,strangers pick up on who they can have a go off.People after drink think they can say what they like often,especially to a quieter individual.

sReq | uTeK

Hibernia93 wrote: »

At the weekend I was in Moldova for the Ireland game and at least twice or three times three individuals made not very nice comments about my personal stature. I've always been quite slim and unhealthy for a lad of my age which I should do something about but that's my business as fair as I'm concerned and struggle to put on weight.
The first comment was by a female it happened in a pub with a lad who I met recently enough came from behind me and said "here is Hibernia93 hes a good lad in a friendly gesture with a hug" a second later a middle aged women said he needs a good feed is what he does state of him far too skinny" I felt disgusted and very upset over it I actually was planning on having a good night but I left the pub 20 mins later and headed back to the hotel with the comment lingering in my head I felt very low in myself. Should I have said something back? or was I right not to respond and make no eye contact and go on my way? The next day the second comment came from someone who asked me to move up the table to make room for the rest of the gang to make room which I did and he said "lose some weight man" in a sarcastic manner to be fair this didn't really bother me but the second after a guy said "you have to be the skinniest man alive I could snap you in half" this really made me feel bad and the table consisting of about 12 Irish lads laughing there heads off didn't help the worst thing about the situation was I couldn't even leave without anyone noticing. The chap who said it to me wasn't much bigger than me and not to sound funny or derogatory but he resembled the mclovin character from superbad which I didn't bring up infact I didn't say anything or look at anyone till about 20 mins later as I'd never like to hurt someone about there appearance but yet this lad got in my head so much that I've fallen back into a depressed state. I actually use trips away with Ireland for something to look forward, In 4 weeks times we're in Vienna for another Ireland game theirs a very good chance I'll run into these people again what should I do? should I just grow up I don't mean to come across as someone who doesn't enjoy the craic I do but I just felt really offended. I know for a fact had I been overweight I highly doubt these people would be so open with the negative comments. In society is it acceptable to slag people off about being skinny? but not okay to slag someone off about being fat?
Thanks for reading.

One thing I can say and it's easy for me to say it as I'm not you is. Your body is yours and you need to own it.

I wouldn't get into slagging matches out right but these people seem to know you'll say nothing back and are happy to get a quick laugh in order to gain approval from the rest of the gang. Sadly it seems at your expense.

I'd simply say in a confident manner, mate you're no Arnold swchzenigger to the skinny lad if he ever said it again.

Simply saying something once should go along way to showing these people you're not a push over.

Lastly don't let a fly away comment thrown at you by people who are using it as a means make themselves better ruin a trip that you've been looking forward to and have spent a lot of money on.

bee06

OP, I feel your pain ... I've been getting this my whole life. People think it's totally OK to comment on your weight if you are thin but if I made a comment about someone being fat then I'd be a terrible person. After many years of dealing with this I just ignore the comments (after a bit of ranting about it first to let off steam). As long as you are happy with who you are then that's all that matters. If you're not, then that's something you need to work on for yourself.

Mr. Incognito

I was 8.5 stone as a lad until I was 26.

I started going to the gym regularly and now I'm a very muscular 12 stone.

I have to say, I do miss being that skinny sometimes. I was always energetic and in great form.

It's up to you really, if it is getting to you maybe consider bulking up in a healthy way. It doesnt take much to be honest.

Look at 5x5 weight lifing programmes.

ManOfMystery

Look in an ideal world, we'd all be comfortable in our own skin and comments like this would be like water off a duck's back. Lots of people engage in banter and make comments about other people's looks - sometimes it's said in jest and the subject of the comment will respond with a good comeback before forgetting it completely, in other times it will sting them deeply (as it did you) and the words will have a lasting effect. Does that mean the problem is with you? No. Does it mean those making the comments have a problem? Maybe a lack of understanding or thoughtfulness. But that's never going to change.

It's not an ideal world though, and lots of people aren't comfortable in their own skin. If you are happy to keep ignoring the comments and closing your mind to them, then do so. However if you're open to working on adding some muscle to your frame, why not? I see no shame in altering your appearance slightly - people lose weight or get their teeth done or fix a crooked nose or get a better hairstyle all the time. It helps your confidence, and it gives those less thoughtful commentators less ammunition to throw at you. I'm not talking about pumping yourself up to bodybuilder levels, but adding on even a stone through weight training and some diet changes will fill your frame out a bit. This wouldn't be a case of you altering your looks to satisfy others, it's to satisfy yourself and give you the confidence you need to deal with situations like above.

By your own admission you said you were fairly unhealthy and you seem to lack an ability to assert yourself. Confidence and gym work will help with both.

LuckyLloyd

Hibernia93 wrote: »

I've always been quite slim and unhealthy for a lad of my age which I should do something about but that's my business as fair as I'm concerned and struggle to put on weight.

I don't mean to dismiss the rest of your post, as you are probably quite correct that people should keep derogatory comments about the opinion of others to themselves. And yes - it is probably still accepted in society to point fun at thin people while being far more taboo to criticize heavier people in public.

However...there really is no reason not to tackle physical / health issues that are changeable head on. Once they are issues for you, which your post indicates they are. The very act of starting to address them will make you feel better able to withstand such jibes anyway.

There is some useful information here: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055963342

but the bottom line is to start upping your food intake and start resistance training of some sort. There are plenty of things outside of our control in this world, so we should be greatful for the opportunity to change what we can.

groovyg

Hibernia93 wrote: »

I've always been quite slim and unhealthy for a lad of my age which I should do something about but that's my business as fair as I'm concerned and struggle to put on weight.

What do you mean by unhealthy are you sick all the time?
Some people are very pass remarkable and if these friends are constantly making negative comments about you maybe you've outgrown them as friends. You could put on weight and they could find something else to slag you about.

Xterminator

OP - be assertive and stand up for yourself, (i dont mean start a row).

you would be surprised and how many people have body image issues - people who are fine, can hate what they see when the look in the mirror.

you seem to acknowledge you do have issues, and i think thats why the comments stung so bad.

I;d suggest you treat it like banter and fire back. dont be a soft touch. If you are in a group like that - and being singled out, i would ask why you are in the group going forward, but if that's the nature of the banter for everyone in the group, you can just grow a thicker skin and fire back or disassociate yourself.

Rubberchikken

some people think they're comments are hilarious and while even one in the group laughs at it they'll keep going.
you could shame them by saying something on the lines of 'if i was fat would you be so brave to comment' or you could hand it back with a comment about them. they all can't have movie star looks:)

however, if being the weight you are is bothering you, and that's the important person in this, then do something about it.
some people are thoughtless and unfunny and think they have the right to comment on others, but not everyone does so just remember that.
enjoy the next game:)

Hibernia93

groovyg wrote: »

What do you mean by unhealthy are you sick all the time?
Some people are very pass remarkable and if these friends are constantly making negative comments about you maybe you've outgrown them as friends. You could put on weight and they could find something else to slag you about.

No I just don't have a healthy diet I'll be honest don't eat enough protein. I actually have a twin who goes to the gym and eats chicken rice,protein shakes all that kind of stuff so It's probably just laziness when it comes to food and training I never weighted myself but I'd say hes atleast 2 stone heavier than me far bigger arms and legs and more healthy looking face and has a 4 pack.

Hibernia93

Thanks for all the comments I guess the thread has gone down a different route than Imagined but I'll have to change my diet habbits and general way of life, maybe I'll get a personal trainer (that will be an embarrassing experience at first but if anyone can recommend any good one give me a pm I'm on the northside of dublin) and learn not to be so thick skinned the female in the story really made me really disgusted I won't make any apologies for that I'm afraid I don't think I'll even acknowledge her existence I'd hate for my mother to speak to someone my age and stature like that and I certainly wouldn't be so pass remarkable towards anyone with health issues both physical and mental which I probably have both. This has been a great help much appreciated

Dixie Chick

It was rude and people do not bat an eyelid at commenting on a thin persons' weight. Just be thankful that you aren't that rude and if ever you feel like doing something about it, you can.

Do not let it get to you, I can assure they probably didn't think of it since

ManOfMystery

Hibernia93 wrote: »

Thanks for all the comments I guess the thread has gone down a different route than Imagined but I'll have to change my diet habbits and general way of life, maybe I'll get a personal trainer (that will be an embarrassing experience at first but if anyone can recommend any good one give me a pm I'm on the northside of dublin) and learn not to be so thick skinned the female in the story really made me really disgusted I won't make any apologies for that I'm afraid I don't think I'll even acknowledge her existence I'd hate for my mother to speak to someone my age and stature like that and I certainly wouldn't be so pass remarkable towards anyone with health issues both physical and mental which I probably have both. This has been a great help much appreciated

She was just rude. There's so much stigma about labelling someone as 'fat' (and thus perhaps influencing an eating disorder like anorexia, bulimia and so on) that people sometimes forget it works the other way too. Society (and celebrity society in particular) says that fat is bad, and slim/thin is good. This isn't always the case.

I have a very underweight friend who lost a lot of weight after cancer treatment and he had a similar comment made to him one time, something along the lines of "you need to eat some more, no idea why anyone would want to be that thin!". He doesn't hold his tongue often so immediately snapped back "cancer will do that to you" and said the other person immediately went red and looked like they wanted the ground to swallow them up.

I'm not suggesting you say something along those lines, but certainly working on your confidence and being assertive enough to challenge assholes will leave them feeling embarrassed and not you - which is how it should be.

Musketeer4

Hibernia93 wrote: »

No I just don't have a healthy diet I'll be honest don't eat enough protein. I actually have a twin who goes to the gym and eats chicken rice,protein shakes all that kind of stuff so It's probably just laziness when it comes to food and training I never weighted myself but I'd say hes atleast 2 stone heavier than me far bigger arms and legs and more healthy looking face and has a 4 pack.

Well so if you want to improve how you look and feel then simply eat and lift.

Otherwise, I think you are taking these throwaway comments to much to heart. I don't think anyone is trying to demean or offend you, it's just the usual banter and slagging. I'd just retort and give as good as ya get in a lighthearted manner.

For example, the fella who said he'd snap you in half, since he's only marginally bigger than you you could've joked back along the lines of "right so, I'd like to see ya try....bro"

Musketeer4

You keep on about health issues? Do you have actual health issues, as in a condition, sickness etc, or is it just you feel liek crap because of a bad diet?

Hibernia93

Musketeer4 wrote: »

Well so if you want to improve how you look and feel then simply eat and lift.

Otherwise, I think you are taking these throwaway comments to much to heart. I don't think anyone is trying to demean or offend you, it's just the usual banter and slagging. I'd just retort and give as good as ya get in a lighthearted manner.

For example, the fella who said he'd snap you in half, since he's only marginally bigger than you you could've joked back along the lines of "right so, I'd like to see ya try....bro"

Well I guess we're just two different types of people then, I'm certainly not the type of person who doesn't enjoy banter but when it comes to physical appearance I'm sorry but for me that's just unacceptable IMO. But your probably right I should stand up for myself more!!

Hibernia93

Musketeer4 wrote: »

You keep on about health issues? Do you have actual health issues, as in a condition, sickness etc, or is it just you feel liek crap because of a bad diet?

Apologies I don't physically have a medical condition that I know off I do however have IBS I'm not a doctor but that in the past has hindered my ability to eat properly. I do have some form of depression unfortunately maybe it's to with my insecurities thanks for the reply.

Musketeer4

Hibernia93 wrote: »

Apologies I don't physically have a medical condition that I know off I do however have IBS I'm not a doctor but that in the past has hindered my ability to eat properly. I do have some form of depression unfortunately maybe it's to with my insecurities thanks for the reply.

A bad diet could have a lot to do with IBS, eating inflamatory foods etc. Maybe get a referral to a dietician from your doctor.

pgj2015

Hibernia93 wrote: »

Thanks for all the comments I guess the thread has gone down a different route than Imagined but I'll have to change my diet habbits and general way of life, maybe I'll get a personal trainer (that will be an embarrassing experience at first but if anyone can recommend any good one give me a pm I'm on the northside of dublin) and learn not to be so thick skinned the female in the story really made me really disgusted I won't make any apologies for that I'm afraid I don't think I'll even acknowledge her existence I'd hate for my mother to speak to someone my age and stature like that and I certainly wouldn't be so pass remarkable towards anyone with health issues both physical and mental which I probably have both. This has been a great help much appreciated

why would hiring a personal trainer be embarrassing? personal trainers are ten a penny now in Ireland, that means they are being used by lots of people. id say the people who passed comment on your appearance were not trying to offend you, when the guy said he could snap you in half, you should of said "ya good one mclovin" but not in a im pissed off kind of way, in a joking way and a way that you don't give a $hit what they say.

SterlingArcher

Look when the guys are ragging you just rag along. He says you're skinny. You say" I can't help it. the only thing your mams feeding me is her vagina".

Overall thicken up your skin. That room for self doubt will shrink.

If your body shape is annoying you. For yourself. While you are bored with some downtime. Take a break from the phone /Internet or during an ad break on TV. Do Some stretching. Then some push ups.. No need to break a sweat won't cost you money . Take your time. If you need more help in that is a health and fitness forum here.


Lot's of really helpful videos on YouTube. Check them out. Warm up properly. Don't do yourself a mischief.

antix80

SterlingArcher wrote: »

Look when the guys are ragging you just rag along. He says you're skinny. You say" I can't help it. the only thing your mams feeding me is her vagina".

Then high five your frat bros as they yell "oooh" and "burn"

antix80

Hibernia93 wrote: »

Apologies I don't physically have a medical condition that I know off I do however have IBS I'm not a doctor but that in the past has hindered my ability to eat properly..

A dietician might help you. Look into the elimination diet where you cut down on most food types for a month (incl grains, yeast, dairy) as well as junk like caffeine, alcohol and sugar. You then can gradually reintroduce foods, monitoring the affect on your stomach, mood and energy levels.

Alf Veedersane

People make throwaway comments not meaning to be rude or offensive but it's the recipient it lands on that decides whether or not offence is taken.

Do I think you need to develop thicker skin? Possibly. But I don't for a second think that there's anything wrong in you being a bit cut by it.

So you have a couple of options:

1) You put it down to him trying to be funny and not hitting the mark and forget about it.

2) You decide to be a bit healthier as regards nutrition and looking into some resistance training.

3) You do both.


I've had some experience of it. To be fair, it was different insofar as I had essentially brought it on myself with an eating disorder but part of it was to build myself up a bit. I'm not huge or anything but I'm more comfortable in my own skin because it it.

You don't have to, of course. Being healthier is just a good idea in general but outside of that, just find a route to being more comfortable in your own skin, whether that's through your appearance or otherwise.

Hibernia93

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

People make throwaway comments not meaning to be rude or offensive but it's the recipient it lands on that decides whether or not offence is taken.

Do I think you need to develop thicker skin? Possibly. But I don't for a second think that there's anything wrong in you being a bit cut by it.

So you have a couple of options:

1) You put it down to him trying to be funny and not hitting the mark and forget about it.

2) You decide to be a bit healthier as regards nutrition and looking into some resistance training.

3) You do both.


I've had some experience of it. To be fair, it was different insofar as I had essentially brought it on myself with an eating disorder but part of it was to build myself up a bit. I'm not huge or anything but I'm more comfortable in my own skin because it it.

You don't have to, of course. Being healthier is just a good idea in general but outside of that, just find a route to being more comfortable in your own skin, whether that's through your appearance or otherwise.

Well the comment by the guy in hindsight was probably more of a throwaway comment as you say I can perhaps accept that now. The first thing that women said to me was a personal comment about my stature to me that's completely impossible that she said that in jest it be different if I knew the person perhaps but even then I'd have to question the person as a friend. Maybe I'm just crazy I had crazy parents to who thought me to treat others how I'd like to be treated and all that carry on but I'm certainly not easily offended by a large stretch that comment did throw me back so much so that I made a topic on a Internet forum for people who I don't know to give there honest opinions and that I've now in the past two days made a genuine plan to become more healthy thanks for the advice.

Alf Veedersane

Some people are rude. Fu*k 'em. Some people make comments in jest not realising it will have an impact.

But part of why it offended you was because you're conscious of it.

You're also conscious that you could be healthier.

Doesn't make it ok for others to be so rude but if you address what you need to, it will really help you

And just go enjoy Vienna and toast 3 points

Dr Jakub

Where you're on the receiving end of banter the absolute worst thing you can do is to let people know it's getting to you. Learn to give back as good as you get or you'll become the group whipping boy.

In the meantime eat more and hit the gym.

ongarboy

I think another complication is that a comment can be dreadfully hurtful to one person and completely harmless to another. Another skinny guy could have just laughed off the same comments OP received because he has no hang up about being thin and therefore is not sensitive because he never experienced trauma over it that another person such as OP may have which would have influenced his reaction.

I was reading about a 4FM DJ earlier in the week who spoke out about fellow DJs who mocked his hair at a recent awards ceremony. He was very upset over it and appeared to accuse them of bullying as they jokingly questioned whether his hair was real. Apparently it was but the DJ had hair loss due to a medical condition when younger and had regained his hair but was obviously sensitive about comments made which his tormentors were not aware of. They since apologised when they realised how upsetting it was for him but at the time, they felt they were only having friendly banter. What was interesting was the polarized comments in the comments section of the article on the Irish Independent. Some saying those "bullies" should be named, shamed and punished while others felt the injured party was too sensitive and should man up.

Every person is different and has different past experiences that shape the way they think, feel and are now. OP, it sounds like you are taking proactive steps to stop this being an issue for you so that is a good thing.

Jerome77

I hear your pain, my whole life I could not put on weight, no matter how much I ate, how mych exercise I did or not do.. I just stayed tall and thin, it was horrible, always hearing anout diets and people wishing to lose weight. Where as I was the opposite... it is so so hard , being a bloke and hearing that crap you mentioned. All I can say is it changed when I turned 30, I can now put on weight, and actually have to watch what I eat sometimes.
I never thought this day would come, so hang in there brother and if possible slag them back. Best of luck

Hibernia93

Jerome77 wrote: »

I hear your pain, my whole life I could not put on weight, no matter how much I ate, how mych exercise I did or not do.. I just stayed tall and thin, it was horrible, always hearing anout diets and people wishing to lose weight. Where as I was the opposite... it is so so hard , being a bloke and hearing that crap you mentioned. All I can say is it changed when I turned 30, I can now put on weight, and actually have to watch what I eat sometimes.
I never thought this day would come, so hang in there brother and if possible slag them back. Best of luck

Thanks for the reply I'm 22 myself and actually just realised today that my good friend is a personal trainer completely forgot as he no longer lives in Dublin I've got myself weighed today and height measured which he asked me to do and I've sent him on food diet for the day and its shocking how bad my diet really is I've only myself to blame but all I can do is try and change glad you got better cheers

The_Honeybadger

Hibernia93 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply I'm 22 myself and actually just realised today that my good friend is a personal trainer completely forgot as he no longer lives in Dublin I've got myself weighed today and height measured which he asked me to do and I've sent him on food diet for the day and its shocking how bad my diet really is I've only myself to blame but all I can do is try and change glad you got better cheers

I got a bit of slagging for being skinny when younger too. I mostly laughed it off but it can be hurtful no doubt. Fix that diet and start lifting weights. You can make incredible progress in a couple of months if you get a good trainer, and it's actually really enjoyable once you get started and feel yourself getting stronger. You mentioned you had a touch of depression also. Exercise is proven to help with mental health issues too.

LegacyUser

I've been overweight and I've been underweight. If I left a pub every time someone insulted my weight I'd never have a night out. And believe me it was a lot worse when I was overweight. Some of it really hurt and some I just passed off, but I would have thought the comments yor received weren't that bad on the scale of it. I agree with other posters that a good comeback or witty comment would hep you brush off the comments and let you enjoy your young life. Short people, red heads etc normally get this crap thrown at them too but have to develop coping mechanisms or stay in their rooms for the rest of their lives.