Homesickness hurting me

LegacyUser

Two years ago I fell in love with a great girl. She had been studying in Dublin for a few months. We decided to give long distance a go and it went well, visited each other a number of times before I decided to give it a go and move over to her last October.
At the time I had a nothing to lose attitude and really felt like it was the right decision.
I wanted to be close to her and that was the only thing that mattered at the time to me. The prospect of her moving to Ireland was never majorly discussed, she was finishing up her studies and starting her career and to be honest I was happy to immerse myself in a new culture, learn a new language etc..
Anyway, despite there being a number of big changes in our lives when I moved, we have got on really really well. We moved in together shortly after I arrived, and despite us being slightly nervous about doing so relatively quickly and being the first respective partner either of us had lived with, it has been seamless and has strengthened our relationship.

The problem is the only true joy and positives I have gotten since the move have been from her!
I've struggled to adjust to the reserved culture here and make friends. I find my job here a huge struggle and the boss is a total and utter bully but I don't have the option to change that at the moment as I don't speak the local language. I'm finding myself become quite disdainful of the town I'm in and country because of my struggle to find much positivity or create any independent lifestyle away from my girlfriend. There are very few ex pats here, which I know from past experiences is a big help settling into a new country.
5 months ago I began to start feeling homesick, anxious and began to start thinking strongly about what I had a left behind. A job which I really enjoyed and had promotion opportunities, my family, a sick parent, a great group of friends, teammates, a vibrant city etc etc.. Anyway I thought a trip home would help and so me and herself went home for a week in August. We had a great week catching up with everyone but in last couple of days I began dreading going back. Extremely anxious mornings and I cried alone a couple of times.. and I rarely cry.
Anyway here I am a couple of months later and I'm still feeling the same way, miserable.
I suppose the reality is that while the thought of losing her is heartbreaking so is the thought of staying here long term. Despite being with this incredible girl, the unhappiness in not settling and homesickness is beginning to really take its toll on me. In a dreamworld she would come home with me but I don't think that would be an option for her for at least 2 or 3 years. She seems very happy in herself at the moment, and discusses a future (family, buying a house) here.
My girlfriend knows of my struggles but not the full extent. She knew I had a tough week when we returned and really looked after me and kept my spirits up. Otherwise I've been putting on a brave face, withholding much of what I've told you and on the couple of occasions I've been close to telling her how hard I'm finding it, I've bottled it up. I really dread upsetting her by telling her I'm considering moving home, especially if she isn't willing to move. I also feel if I tell her 'if things don't improve for me, I can't see myself being here for much longer' that this isn't fair.. an ultimatum of kinds.
I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation? Is a year too short a time to give up hope of settling in another country? More importantly, do I tell her exactly how I feel and if so, is there an easy way of telling her? Any advice at all much appreciated.

Ursus Horribilis

I've never been in this situation myself but someone I know was. It didn't end well I'm afraid. He's Irish and he married a lady from Sweden. They lived over there for several years and had a family. Then a job came up for him in Ireland and they moved over here. To cut a long story short, the marriage broke up a few years later. There were other problems but the biggie was that both of them wanted to live in their own countries. So he's still in Ireland and she and the children are back in Sweden.

You'll see people throwing around phrases like immersing themselves in other cultures and travelling and learning new languages. They sound like great things to try for a while in your 20s. And for some people, they'll happily live abroad for the rest of their lives. It doesn't suit everyone though and perhaps you're one of them. You'll probably get different answers from different people though. Because I've seen what happened to the family I'm talking about, I'm on the "come home" side of the fence. That may not be the best advice for you though .

I think you should be honest with her and see where that goes. She probably has an idea anyway. Perhaps if you gave it more time, got to know more people and got a better job you might not be as miserable. But on the other hand, if it's Ireland where you want to live, then it's better to cut your losses before you get tied down by houses and children and financial commitments.

pookie82

You seem to have assumed (perhaps correctly) that this girl has no notion of ever wanting to move here with you, that she has a career and future planned where she is. Have you asked? Double checked, lately? She might be more open to considering or trying it than you think if she felt her relationship was at stake because of it.

Maybe she has a career path and future mapped out for herself in her home country but why does that take precedence? Why do her needs for the future eclipse yours?

First thing you need to do is have a bare-all chat. There's no point in dodging the issue any longer and no point in holding back with vague comments about missing home today and her thinking she can hug it out with you. It goes well beyond that if you find yourself in tears at the thoughts of leaving home after a holiday.

And whatever else you do, please, PLEASE do not consider investing in property/getting married/having kids before this is ironed out. Like the above poster, I've seen couples where things go pear shaped because of wanting to live in their own countries and when a split comes, it can mean a future where you live on a separate land mass to your own children. In many of these cases the respective parties thought at the start they'd be happy to settle abroad forever and while some do, many find that as they reach middle age and have a family themselves they find the distance from their own hard on them and their kids. If you're as far flung as Australia/Asia you need to remember that if you have children they'll probably grow up for large chunks of their lives never meeting/knowing grandparents or cousins.

The fact that you're feeling the pinch now, without any of this, suggests to me that it won't get better, it will get worse.

LegacyUser

Any reason you haven't learned the language after a year? It would probably solve most of your issues - you'd feel more settled, you'd have better employment mobility and you'd meet people in the same boat who might become friends.

Not learning the language after 12 months, at least 5 of which you've been aware it was an issue, would seem to me to be to be an admission that you're not actually committed to the move, that you were hoping your partner would see your effort and agree to moving back with you as a reciprocal effort and that learning the language would undermine your plan. If you don't truly want to be there long-term, nothing will make it work, nothing at all. If you did truly want to be there, well, you'd have at least learned the language by now. I think you may need an honest chat with yourself before you make any decisions.

BetsyEllen

I've been in a similar situation although not as difficult as yours, as I only moved from England to Ireland. So obviously there was no language barrier although there was a culture difference.

Regardless, it took me ages to settle in and make friends. And to find a decent job.
Me and my partner eventually split but it actually wasn't because of any difficulties living here, it was just that the relationship had run its course.

However, when we did split I'd been here a few years at that stage and actually found it difficult to move home as I'd been away for so long, my old job was gone (company closed), friends has moved away/had kids.

So I ended up staying here.

But it's a regret of mine. As since I've been here family members have passed away, I've missed social events that I'd have loved to be at, missed out on time with new babies, I've even missed funerals as I couldn't get back at short notice due to lack of money or work commitments.

So if I could turn back time, I never would have moved here.

I think that you really need to talk to your girlfriend as at the moment you're only guessing that she won't move to Ireland to be with you.
You might be able to work something out, it's worth a try.

I really feel for your OP, it seems the only solution is for you to move back home but you may lose your girlfriend in the process.
Fingers crossed for you that she may want to live here but if not, then I guess you need to choose between your happiness (outside of being with her) and having a relationship.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the kindly thought out messages all.


@Ursus Thats a sad story. I'm also in Sweden so I can relate. Much bigger difference in culture here than I envisaged..
I've lived abroad twice before and really enjoyed the experiences, part of the reason why I was so happy to move here. This fact makes me less hopeful about a future here to be honest.

@pookie82 I have asked her before, admittedly not in a serious setting or mood, and have received varied answers, from "yes" to "maybe in 2 years" to "no"..
No immediate plans to invest, start a family... warning noted though!

@guessed I worded my OP badly, apologies. I am learning the language and have a pretty decent grasp, can converse with others and understand pretty much everything I hear. With regard my employment situation I'd need another 18 months before I get to the level required in terms of written and grammar to have a chance anything in the field I worked in at home. Series of tests need to be completed that proves your fluency and even at that, 90% of the population here are fluent in English also so my chances are slim. That fact also means that it doesn't really effect how well one settles in here more than it might effect me if I was in France or Italy etc.. No doubt it helps but you'll find many here are actually delighted to chat away in English.
Learning the language is actually one of the few rays of sunshine in my life here outside of my GF. Weekly classes are good and i am quite motivated to become fluent in all areas. Even as I type this I feel a little more positive.. ¨

@BetsyEllen Thanks very much for sharing your experience. I'm sorry to read you have regrets. I'm very fortunate in that I do have a job if I return home. I've already experienced that sadness at missing out on a funeral and numerous social events.
Your last line is the crux really and it's what I've been slowly coming to terms with in my head. I know I shouldn't assume she won't come with me but I like to think I know her very well and my gut tells me it'll be a no.

Thanks again folks
I can see now that there's no doubt I need to sit down with her this weekend and be completely open about my thoughts on a future here. I guess I'm going to ask for a definitive answer on the question of us both moving to Ireland(not an immediate answer, I'll give her time to think of course!) Who knows, maybe if it's a definite no I'll want to stay!

Wompa1

Been in the US for 5 years. I liked it for the first 2 years or so. Now I have starting to grow a pretty deep hatred for the place and want to leave. My wife is American and we had our first child recently.

She has agreed to give Ireland a go. We will move there in 2018 or 2019 when our son is a little older.

I make a lot more than she does and in a twist. Due to growing up in Ireland, I got my college education for a reasonable price. She owes a lot of money for her school loans and I'm making about 7 times what she makes. She can't clear her debt. We're in a position where we need my salary and my savings to buy a home and to get some security or a nest egg together. Ultimately, I feel like we should live where ever is best for our son and I think that's Ireland but also selfishly since I'm working such long hours and at times multiple jobs that I'd rather use that money to buy where I want.

I feel like I need to keep it in the back of my head that things could go south when we're in Ireland. In which case, I will need to make peace with moving back to the US.

Airyfairy12

Could you both move to another part of the country? like maybe a city? They often have clubs, societies and meetups for English speakers in forign cities, the last place I lived had a Spanish society and meet ups for people from different cultures and countries, they'd get together and go out for drinks and events, I know in Dublin they have events for other cultures, in Budapest English speakers get together with clubs and societies, most cities have something similar and you'd have better job prospects too, this way youre not the only one compromising and making sacrifices. Id tell your girlfriend how you feel otherwise its going to build up and a breakup will be inevitable, if you both want to make the relationship work then youre both going to have to meet in the middle, you cant sacrifice your happiness, it wont end well.

Ursus Horribilis

MissingIt wrote: »

Thanks for the kindly thought out messages all.


@Ursus Thats a sad story. I'm also in Sweden so I can relate. Much bigger difference in culture here than I envisaged..
I've lived abroad twice before and really enjoyed the experiences, part of the reason why I was so happy to move here. This fact makes me less hopeful about a future here to be honest.

Perhaps the difference in those cases was that you knew you could come home. Now it's permanent and that's a completely different thing. Even though you said you'd nothing to lose when you decided to move, you're learning that you have. Sometimes when people get older, they start to realise how important their family, their community and their friends are in their lives.

@pookie82 I have asked her before, admittedly not in a serious setting or mood, and have received varied answers, from "yes" to "maybe in 2 years" to "no"..

Be very careful of this. The danger here is that she'll agree to come to Ireland with you to save the relationship, rather than to live here permanently. I don't know the exact ins and outs of what happened with that Irish/Swedish couple I mentioned but she seemed to have one eye on that plane back to Sweden even while they were living here.

There is no easy answer to this I'm afraid. I remember reading a gut-wrenchingly sad thread from an Irish guy who fell for an Australian girl. They had to break up in the end because she was never ever going to leave Australia (she was very close to her family and had no intention of even moving from her home town) and he couldn't face living there for the rest of his life. The poor guy was in bits but there was never going to be a happy ending.