Big problem with my mother, long post.

LegacyUser

Im 30 and living back home with my parents after leaving an abusive relationship, im paying rent at home, do all my own washing, cooking ect otherwise I rarely leave my bedroom and mostly keep to myself. My family live about 20 minutes drive from the nearest town, ive no transport, no friends and no job although im looking for one and have been since moving back home I still havnt found anything. Rent here is crazy so moving out isnt an option.
Iv low confidence and self esteem, im depressed from my situation, the isolation, being friendless and unemployment, I hardly eat because its so difficult to get to a shop to buy food.
On top of this ive always had a strained relationship with my mother. The slightest thing causes huge arguments, she takes everything as a personal attack but will do or say very hurtful things to me then deny she's said or done anything, if I express that what she said or did was hurtful she loses it, stops speaking to me for days or weeks, spreads nasty rumours about me to other family members, twists what happened and plays victim.
The other day we were discussing her mother (my grandmother) and her sisters about nasty things they do/say and the abuse within her family, everything she speaks about is exactly how she treats me but she denies this and loses it if its even mentioned.. accuses me of making things up and she becomes very nasty, I havnt brought these things up to throw in her face, but have vaguely pointed out similarity's between her behaviour and her families.
When I was in college she helped me out a bit financially for accommodation, ive been paying back whatever I can and have been since college, if I got my grant back dated a month or two id give her the back dated money ect and I gave her a few hundred at other times too and im still giving money towards that. When she gave me this money she held it over me, every time I went home it was brought up, she'd bring it up in phone calls and general conversations, I felt extremely guilty about it. Now the other night while having a conversation she brought up the money and how she had to take out a lone, I rolled my eyes and said yeah I know..she said what do you mean? I said when I borrowed the money you kept bringing it up... she lost it! Screamed at me that im lying and saying hurtful things, told me thats it, she's finished with me, I left the room to avoid further argument and I went upstairs, she sat in kitchen 'crying' loudly so I could hear her, I ignored it because its one of her guilt trips, after a few minutes I went down stairs to let the cat in, went back upstairs. She didnt get the attention she wanted so she got really angry, kicked the cat out of the house, screamed at it to get the F out and slammed the front door.
Heard her chatting to my brother, she was chirpy and calm with him, told him loads of crap about me then went to bed, slamming her bedroom door.
This morning I heard her talking to my dad about what happened, twisted everything, played the victim, told him that im a nasty, nasty person and shes done with me.
Now shes going to go play victim to the rest of the family and make me out to be an evil, ungrateful B! and ive no way of stopping it.

Advice please? im questioning myself and wondering if im a terrible person.

GingerLily

You both seem to think that the other person is the aggressor, it's most likely a pair of you in it.
You know how she is and you still engage in very risky / emotionally charged conversations, it's madness.
You need a plan to get out, just focus on that, you two should not be living together, your incompatible.

Good luck

nikkibikki

Can you talk to your Dad about how you are feeling? Can you contact your county council about going on the housing list? You've left one abusive relationship and it sounds like you are now living in another abusive situation. Can you talk to your GP?

LegacyUser

nikkibikki wrote: »

Can you talk to your Dad about how you are feeling? Can you contact your county council about going on the housing list? You've left one abusive relationship and it sounds like you are now living in another abusive situation. Can you talk to your GP?

thanks for replying, no theres no one i can talk to, my dad sides with my mam but mostly keeps out of it, if he supported me at all she'd only drag him into the whole thing. ive contacted the county council, they told me theres a 5 year waiting list for houses.

It does feel abusive here, i cant make myself anymore invisible than i already am. its the rumours she spreads about me that are the worst, she turns people against me so ive got no where to turn.

njs030

Adviceplease? wrote: »

thanks for replying, no theres no one i can talk to, my dad sides with my mam but mostly keeps out of it, if he supported me at all she'd only drag him into the whole thing. ive contacted the county council, they told me theres a 5 year waiting list for houses.

It does feel abusive here, i cant make myself anymore invisible than i already am. its the rumours she spreads about me that are the worst, she turns people against me so ive got no where to turn.

I noticed you only replied to the post that was somewhat sympathetic and ignored the one that pointed out the similarities between yourself and your mother, are you aware that you did this?

The only person you can change is you, if your stuck there stop being up subjects that you know will create confrontation like it or not it's her house and you're there because she allows it so rather than create drama and then feel sorry for yourself just avoid it. Don't point out things your mother does, you wouldn't like having your bad points pointed out either...Just nod and agree and try to move the conversation onto positive subjects.
When she talks about the help she's given you just say thank you instead of being defensive and reiterate that you're planning to pay her back.

Be positive not negative.

Big Bag of Chips

How are you going to get to work if you have no transport? You might be able to find a houseshare in your local town... Or in another town? You don't have to stay locally. If you live in a town you'll be in a better position to get a job.

You could gather your bits and move, anywhere. It won't be easy, but anything is better than what you're doing at the moment.

Go to your local CWO and find out exactly what help you may be eligible for. Find out about courses you might be able to do. CE Schemes. There is help available but you have to go looking for it. It will be a struggle, but you're struggling and unhappy now, and nothing looks like it's going to change anytime soon.

Edit: And yeah, stop discussing things with your mother that you know will end in a row! She's never going to be the parent you want her to be, so stop pushing for it.

MaroonAndGreen

Look at narcissistic personality disorder OP. I suspect you'll find it interesting!

LegacyUser

GingerLily wrote: »

You both seem to think that the other person is the aggressor, it's most likely a pair of you in it.
You know how she is and you still engage in very risky / emotionally charged conversations, it's madness.
You need a plan to get out, just focus on that, you two should not be living together, your incompatible.

Good luck

She brought up the conversation, she called me into the room to chat, if I dont go in she takes offence and starts an argument, she has a funny way of making you feel safe while talking to her then like a switch she changes, it can be over anything, I only have to slightly disagree with her or have a different opinion ..sometimes she's fine but other times she snaps shouts and tells me im contradicting her, could be about anything, not even emotional stuff just general every day stuff and its not consistent so you dont always know what to say or not,she could be fine with it one minute then the next shes screaming hurtful things at me, slamming doors then twists everything and tells everyone im a terrible person. I try to keep the peace but its hard, half the time I dont know what ive done or said.

LegacyUser

notjustsweet wrote: »

I noticed you only replied to the post that was somewhat sympathetic and ignored the one that pointed out the similarities between yourself and your mother, are you aware that you did this?

The only person you can change is you, if your stuck there stop being up subjects that you know will create confrontation like it or not it's her house and you're there because she allows it so rather than create drama and then feel sorry for yourself just avoid it. Don't point out things your mother does, you wouldn't like having your bad points pointed out either...Just nod and agree and try to move the conversation onto positive subjects.
When she talks about the help she's given you just say thank you instead of being defensive and reiterate that you're planning to pay her back.

Be positive not negative.

It wasn't intentional, I messed up the image verification and it didnt post. I know I can only change myself I was just looking for advice because im entirely stuck in the house with this negativity, feeling like my family hates me and ive literally nobody I can talk to. It really hurt me what happened and I hate confrontation, I especially hate fighting with my mam or dad because it makes me feel so guilty and stressed out. I wasnt pointing things out, it just came up in a conversation that she started, it wasnt meant as an attack, I have said thanks to her about the money but ill take your advice and avoid all potentially emotional or deep conversations.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

How are you going to get to work if you have no transport? You might be able to find a houseshare in your local town... Or in another town? You don't have to stay locally. If you live in a town you'll be in a better position to get a job.

You could gather your bits and move, anywhere. It won't be easy, but anything is better than what you're doing at the moment.

Go to your local CWO and find out exactly what help you may be eligible for. Find out about courses you might be able to do. CE Schemes. There is help available but you have to go looking for it. It will be a struggle, but you're struggling and unhappy now, and nothing looks like it's going to change anytime soon.

Edit: And yeah, stop discussing things with your mother that you know will end in a row! She's never going to be the parent you want her to be, so stop pushing for it.

Ive looked into house sharing, I cant move to another town unless I have a job to go to, ive been in touch with intreo about help, ce schemes, tus, courses ect. I apply to jobs in other parts of the country, i tailor my cv's and include cover letters.

True she will never be the parent I want her to be and I need to accept that.

LegacyUser

Adviceplease? wrote: »

Ive looked into house sharing, I cant move to another town unless I have a job to go to, ive been in touch with intreo about help, ce schemes, tus, courses ect. I apply to jobs in other parts of the country, i tailor my cv's and include cover letters.

True she will never be the parent I want her to be and I need to accept that.

If I was in that situation I would pack my stuff and go to the nearest homeless shelter, and start afresh.

valoren

MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

Look at narcissistic personality disorder OP. I suspect you'll find it interesting!

Also Crazymakers

Here are some of the things crazymakers do:

They deny what they are doing and instead accuse you of doing it.
They prevent any meaningful discourse by defensively turning everything around by making you the problem.
They blame you for everything but don’t give you any power to do anything.
They use fear, guilt, power, and threats to manipulate and pressure you into doing what they want.
They refuse to cooperate with you and undermine your attempts to fix the relationship or problem.
They lie even when caught red-handed.
They say one thing and do another.
They twist your words while accusing you of twisting theirs.

Sounds a lot like your mother OP.

I would suggest getting a loan, perhaps even a credit union one, to pay off your debts with her.
Sure, there will be interest but at least you will be free from her using this as a symbolic stick to beat you with.
My guess is that she will refuse the repayment, at that point I would suggest that she either takes the payment or writes it off.
I would get someone you trust to witness you offering the money back.

Emme

MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

Look at narcissistic personality disorder OP. I suspect you'll find it interesting!

I second this. If you grew up with narcissistic family member/s you are more likely to end up in a relationship with one, i.e. an abusive relationship.

LegacyUser

valoren wrote: »

Also Crazymakers

Here are some of the things crazymakers do:

They deny what they are doing and instead accuse you of doing it.
They prevent any meaningful discourse by defensively turning everything around by making you the problem.
They blame you for everything but don’t give you any power to do anything.
They use fear, guilt, power, and threats to manipulate and pressure you into doing what they want.
They refuse to cooperate with you and undermine your attempts to fix the relationship or problem.
They lie even when caught red-handed.
They say one thing and do another.
They twist your words while accusing you of twisting theirs.

Sounds a lot like your mother OP.

I would suggest getting a loan, perhaps even a credit union one, to pay off your debts with her.
Sure, there will be interest but at least you will be free from her using this as a symbolic stick to beat you with.
My guess is that she will refuse the repayment, at that point I would suggest that she either takes the payment or writes it off.
I would get someone you trust to witness you offering the money back.

Your points do sound very much like her, ive never heard of a crazymaker before, it sounds like a derogatory term for mental illness, ive most of the money paid off at this stage anyway.

oil painting

Hi, i have been in your position OP and i think you should be proud of how you are handling it all. If you are of college age then you are in your 20s? This is not an age where having a home job relationship are all sorted out! And i empathize with your isolation and recent break up.

Time is a good healer, and if you have to be at home and accept this situation it may be a good time to read up on your family dynamics and keep a journal and start seeing how others have coped with a similar experience, the internet is great for every kind of situation when i was in my 20s it was so isolating i had to get a self help book from a library Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway... lol that was my mega life line and i brought the book everywhere.

What you can do to bring some self esteem back and self worth is write out what it is you need right now and i wouldnt be starting with the obvious physical and materialistic things id start with real core needs like compassion, kind people, support, security, safety, trust, consistency, reliability etc, get really specific and feel deep what you crave. Acknowledging this can also bring up the pains that you have lived without these things and you deserve them now. In life it is always better to be 'for' something rather than against, eg pro peace as opposed to anti war. The energy is different. You can empower yourself and step back from the neg energies around you. Every day i would engage in writing or envisioning a way out, even if its not an immediate solution the effort will show up for you.

Hang in there. Sometimes the lowest points in our lives, enlighten us in the direction that we need to be in.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

I second this. If you grew up with narcissistic family member/s you are more likely to end up in a relationship with one, i.e. an abusive relationship.

Thanks for responding, I think youre right, I keep ending up in abusive relationships and friendships. I find it really hard to stand up for myself and I never know when its appropriate to draw a line. ill look into family problems that could be associated with that. xx

LegacyUser

oil painting wrote: »

Hi, i have been in your position OP and i think you should be proud of how you are handling it all. If you are of college age then you are in your 20s? This is not an age where having a home job relationship are all sorted out! And i empathize with your isolation and recent break up.

Time is a good healer, and if you have to be at home and accept this situation it may be a good time to read up on your family dynamics and keep a journal and start seeing how others have coped with a similar experience, the internet is great for every kind of situation when i was in my 20s it was so isolating i had to get a self help book from a library Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway... lol that was my mega life line and i brought the book everywhere.

What you can do to bring some self esteem back and self worth is write out what it is you need right now and i wouldnt be starting with the obvious physical and materialistic things id start with real core needs like compassion, kind people, support, security, safety, trust, consistency, reliability etc, get really specific and feel deep what you crave. Acknowledging this can also bring up the pains that you have lived without these things and you deserve them now. In life it is always better to be 'for' something rather than against, eg pro peace as opposed to anti war. The energy is different. You can empower yourself and step back from the neg energies around you. Every day i would engage in writing or envisioning a way out, even if its not an immediate solution the effort will show up for you.

Hang in there. Sometimes the lowest points in our lives, enlighten us in the direction that we need to be in.

Thanks this was really helpful, ill look for that book you mentioned and ill try being more positive, thanks for responding xx

LegacyUser

Hello Op,
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'm around your age and have gone through the exact same thing.

May I recommend "Children of the self absorbed" by Nina W. Brown, "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson and "Will I ever be good enough" By Dr. Karyl Mc Bride. You can find them on amazon. They will help you a lot.

There is a subreddit called "Raised by Narcissists" on reddit.com which is full of advice and rants and sometimes even humour (yes, humour!) from people in exactly your situation. I suggest you give it a look and perhaps seek advice there. It is very well moderated and extremely supportive. A good place to vent , if you need it.

I have a narcissistic mother who I could write a book about ( and wouldn't she only love that?)
I could tell tales from over the years ...some horrible, some hilarious of the actions of a woman who is effectively an emotional toddler who never grew up.
I often feel like I was her mother and not the other way around.
The one thing I will say is, your mother will never change. They do not change.
You can though! Start right now by getting your head into the stuff I mentioned above and begin your healing process. It's not an easy process and will take time but you owe yourself this.
Then , when you are ready, make plans for the rest of your life. Start small and build from there. Your mother has no problems putting herself first . You need to too.

I advise you to stay well away from relationships for the time being. You mentioned a history of abusive partners. This is because your boundaries have been trampled all over since birth. You never learned to establish them or enforce them, so you end up with partners who do the exact same thing as your mother. You can learn though!

It starts with loving yourself and deciding what you are worthy of and what you deserve. You deserve someone who is respectful and kind to you and NOTHING less!
Keep a journal in a private place of your thoughts, feelings and progress.
Seek counselling when you can and most of all, be KIND to yourself!
You have been through a lot of crap, but you're still standing and that makes you STRONG!

I wish you the very best.