Graduation

LegacyUser

My graduation is next week and rather than looking forward to it, I am really dreading it this point.

Last week, when I mentioned to my mother about booking somewhere for a meal, she started giving me a load of excuses, essentially saying that she’d need to leave straight after the ceremony. Eventually she admitted it was because my father was going. My parents have been separated for years, and never usually have to see each other under normal circumstances.

After several attempts at having a mature conversation with her about it, which turned into arguments, the last of which ended with her hanging up the phone on me, I am left completely at a loss for what to do.

I am completely shocked and hurt that she is not even considering being civil towards my father for one single day for my sake. I have told her how much it means to me, only to be met with, frankly, childish and petty responses. The last time I mentioned it, she told me if I push the matter any further, she will not be going at all.

I have provisionally booked a place for myself and my father, as otherwise I am going to end up doing nothing at all on the day. Even in the unlikely event that she changes her mind before then, the good is already gone from the day, as there is going to be a horrible atmosphere regardless.

I’m not sure if there’s any advice anyone can offer, but I feel completely lost and devastated right now. What was supposed to be a proud day after all of the work I’ve put in over the last few years now has me feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of it. The worst thing of all is that my mother is trying to make me feel as though I am being unreasonable here.

Ursus Horribilis

Firstly, congratulations on your graduation. What an achievement for you

I really feel for you. It's a terrible shame your mother is behaving in this way but there's no point in trying to push this any further. You may or may not be privy to all the details of why they split up but it sounds like it was quite unpleasant. In the circumstances, it's possible that having to sit at the same table as your dad is the equivalent of having all her nightmares come true. All I can suggest to you is to arrange separate graduation celebrations with your parents and don't force the issue.

Rubberchikken

i'm sorry for your mother's behaviour. i realise adults should cop on and act like adults, but they still disappoint don't they?
you can't change her attitude, so all you can really do is focus on enjoying your day, which is a hugh achievement, and hopefully she'll have a rethink in the meantime and realise that the only person she's hurting is her own child.

take care and have a great day:)

LegacyUser

Hi OP, my Mam did the same to me and my brother at our graduations. I was furious about how she managed to make both occasions about herself, she didn't come to the meal for my brother and she was late for mine.

A few years have passed and my relationship with my father has deteriorated and we no longer speak (most of his children don't speak with him now).

Looking back now I did not give enough consideration to how difficult it would be for Mam to be around the man who abused her, I saw it only from my pov and I was hurt that she let me down because I had worked extremely hard to get into college and to finish it and I had hoped she would put me first something that had not happened since their seperation. I made many sacrifices for her (cared for her children and had even taken time out of school and then college to do so) and both of my parents checked out following their seperation.

Now

GingerLily

Mymamdidthesame wrote: »

Hi OP, my Mam did the same to me and my brother at our graduations. I was furious about how she managed to make both occasions about herself, she didn't come to the meal for my brother and she was late for mine.

A few years have passed and my relationship with my father has deteriorated and we no longer speak (most of his children don't speak with him now).

Looking back now I did not give enough consideration to how difficult it would be for Mam to be around the man who abused her, I saw it only from my pov and I was hurt that she let me down because I had worked extremely hard to get into college and to finish it and I had hoped she would put me first something that had not happened since their seperation. I made many sacrifices for her (cared for her children and had even taken time out of school and then college to do so) and both of my parents checked out following their seperation.

Now

Very similar situation in my house, my sister forced the traditional wedding and my parents together for the day, the stress it left on the kids staying at home with her was torture.

She had to be hospitalised a week after the wedding because of how stressed she was, she had underlying mental health issues but she had been so much better until this incident.

She's passed away now.

Ursus Horribilis

I just remembered something from my own graduation. One of my friend had parents who were separated. I don't know why they had split up but she lived with her mum. At the graduation, her father showed up and you didn't have to be a rocket scientist to work out that this caused a bit of tension. She had brought along her mum and someone else from that side of the family. I don't know a lot more about what happened but I'm pretty sure she ended up going to talk to her father away from the main family group. He was nowhere to be seen when we went for the buffet food afterwards. I wonder what her thoughts on the day would be if she was asked now. Would it have been a better day for everyone involved if her dad had stayed away? As an aside, when she got married a few years later, they went abroad and invited nobody from the family.

In the grand scale of things, a graduation is no big deal. I barely remember mine at this stage. You'll find as you move into your twenties that it'll become as irrelevant and unimportant as your debs. It is, however, a taster of what might be to come. If you meet someone and decide to get married down the line, you'll probably be faced with a problem like this again. If you type divorced parents wedding problem into google you'll find a lot of material on this issue. Asking parents to play happy families on the day isn't as black and white an issue as you'd think. The same applies to your graduation.

Hmm_Messiah

worried_graduate wrote: »

My graduation is next week and rather than looking forward to it, I am really dreading it this point.

Last week, when I mentioned to my mother about booking somewhere for a meal, she started giving me a load of excuses, essentially saying that she’d need to leave straight after the ceremony. Eventually she admitted it was because my father was going. My parents have been separated for years, and never usually have to see each other under normal circumstances.

QUOTE]

I understand your feelings, and also your mothers . What I don't understand is how there cannot be a resolution.

If your mum doesn't want to be in your Dad's company I think that is an ok decision for her to make. OF course it would be great if she could tolerate it for your sake on this big day - but maybe she can't ? Maybe her other "petty responses" are because she doesn't want to verbalise how hurt/angry etc she is ( or course it's possible they are just petty - only you have had the conversations)

Why not have a meal with your Dad after the Graduation and let your Mum head home. Then have an evening time with her - the same day - the night before , whichever.

The last graduation I was at I was delighted for the recipient but found the day overall a bit of a drag, as an observer rather than a graduate . Enjoy the moment. If your parents are both separately supportive of your study and achievement - try work something out . To be honest I think if they are both willing to attend the graduation , and as your mum says she leaves immediately afterwards I think that she went at all might be a big deal ( for her , not you)

And Congrats !1

Xterminator

HI OP

Its a pity your mum and dads relationship would not allow them to pout their differences aside for one day.

However its also a pity that you cannot respect your mums decision. Her not going is her choice.

How it affects your big day is your choice. It doesnt HAVE TO have any major effect on your day at all. Please adopt a positive state of mind and enjoy the moment.

woodchuck

OP I get where you're coming from, I really do. You'd think your mam could suck it up for a day for the sake of your graduation... however I think you need to look at things from her side too. While she's obviously not handling the current situation very maturely, you said they never normally see each other. Why do you think that is? I assume there is a very good reason. Breakups are very very tough and while you haven't gone into any detail, it sounds like it wasn't amicable. It may not be possible for her to put on a brave face and act civil over dinner with him... even just talking about it with you gets her worked up, so her emotions would likely get the better of her in that situation. I think you need to accept that it's not going to happen and would be extremely awkward/emotional/stressful even if it did go ahead.

As a practical approach, can you go out for lunch with your Mam before the graduation and out for dinner with your Dad after the graduation?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone, it's given me another perspective on things at least. I suppose at this point it's counter productive to try and change her mind. I'll just have to try and come up with some sort of compromise to make the most of the day.