Friend Zone: Should I Do This To Get Her Off Fence?

LegacyUser

Right, this is going to sound a bit weird,
There is this girl I kind of like, she’s been a friend of mine for about 4 years, met her through another friend of mine, had a crush on her back then when I met her first but she was in college and being the country was in a worse state I could see her leaving the country when she was qualified, and I was right, she went to the US for a little while and she went to England then for the best part of a year but came home to visit every so often.
She’s came back to Ireland after having a rough experience working in England, she didn’t like her job and being on her own and not having her friend circle around her so she came home, while she was having a tough time during the summer this year before she back, she was messaging me a lot and it went on for a few weeks and it was nice, she came home on sick leave around Easter time and said “That’s it I’ve had enough I’m coming home” she went back to pack up her stuff and sorted out a few things and came home.
Her and I and another friend of mine hung out over the next few weeks and her and I went to the cinema with (as friends) a while after.

That chatting online continued and it steered into past relationships, she had a tough time with a boyfriend where it ended, she had a thing with some guy abroad and he was a divorcee with kids which I thought was mad being she was a young woman herself, don’t know she got wrapped up in that, and I told her about a really crappy ending to a relationship I had and it took its toll on me.

It was nice that we could relate on that. I even went as far to say “You know I had a bit of a crush on you when I met you first but I thought better not to ask you out because you were busy with college and I envisioned you leaving the country so I said I wouldn’t” she said “Really, oh I’m flattered but as I said to one of my oldest male friends that I’ve we ever got together we’d break up and we’d end up hating each other at least if we stayed friends we’d always be friends”. She later told me in another conversation that most of her relationships (if you want to call it that) last between 3 and 9 weeks. Which I thought was mad because she is a great woman, good personality and she’s pretty, she said doesn’t really like to compromise and she’s too much of her own person along with the fact she had a scary experience with some guy she was dating when she was 19 and ever since she can never find a guy to settle with. She’s in her late 20’s now.

Anyway contact kind of fizzled out slowly over time after that, she then went out with a guy, he’s known her the same length as me, he is a mutual friend of both of us and he’s significantly younger than us both, 5 year age gap, but I noticed on nights out way before and they’d always be flirty with each other. They were lovey dovey for about 4 weeks and it then ended badly, I heard that from an acquaintance of mine but I didn’t get a lot of details, all I know is that it ended very badly after that short of a time. It must have ended really badly because she got rid of him on Facebook very quickly after that which I noticed when I was told their thing ended.

I’ve had the odd message here and there from her, then she vanished off Facebook completely but she’s still on whatsapp, rarely message her now, not from lack of trying, she’s just never online when I think to go on whatsapp.

Anyway I know she’s into healthy eating and the gym, as am I. I told her about this machine I got, it’s a blender/juicer thing called the Nutribullet, you probably saw the advert on it, great bit of kit (Get one guys) I posted things on my page about wanting one ages ago and she posted saying she wanted one too. Eventually I got one for a birthday and I use it a lot, and her and I have had discussions about it and she said “Gotta get one, money permitting” and I said “It’s a brilliant way of getting fruit and veg into your diet and saves so much time and great if you’re going the gym” etc.

Thought about getting one and saying I won it as a prize somewhere and maybe give it to her, would be a way of re-establishing some consistent contact with her, maybe secure a date or maybe more and get her off the fence and myself out of the friend zone while I’m at it, thinking is it deceitful since it’s kind of a lie? Probably is...
Would like her to have that machine too though, since I got one I feel great health wise, lost weight with it and all, didn’t even need to lose weight but I did somehow. But I’d be more or less doing it to make her think “Oh this guy is nice, he thought of me to give it to, maybe I should give him a shot”

Maybe I’m wasting my time and money on someone who will probably stay on the fence, I know she’d like the thing though. Probably shouldn’t found a possible date.... (or more) on a lie if I went out and actually bought the thing and say I won it as a prize.
Thoughts?

This is an absolutely terrible idea.
Don't pretend to be nice for a date and most certainly do not outright bribe someone in an attempt for a date. She's said no. She is not friend zoning you, you're relationship zoning her. Ask again more directly if you're that into her. Then accept her answer and move on. And stop obsessing over her dating history as well

Eric Cartman

Really, oh I’m flattered but as I said to one of my oldest male friends that I’ve we ever got together we’d break up and we’d end up hating each other at least if we stayed friends we’d always be friends”.

You have no chance mate, she's made it clear its not like that, your decision now is do you keep a friend because you want a friend, or are you only being friendly because you fancy a go ?

retro:electro

Never have I ever read a post on boards with soooo much unnecessary and pointless information. Basically you fancy a girl and you're wondering should you give her a nutribullet as a way of coaxing her out of this "friend zone" that she has placed herself in. The answer is no. You told her before you fancied her, she as good as told you she didn't fancy you back. Your post reads like that of someone who spends way too much time obsessively analysing every minute detail of the life of the person they fancy. It's kind of creepy.

December2012

She does not fancy you. She sees you as a friend. She has been honest about that and not giving any indication of anything else.

You aren't.

You know she owes you nothing, right?

mapaca

Sorry OP, she has already told you she's not interested. She's not "on the fence", she's been very direct - buying her a gift won't suddenly persuade her to fancy you. You already have your answer.

Don't lose heart, she's only one girl, there's plenty of other lovely girls out there for you to meet! Best of luck.

Airyfairy12

Theres no such thing as a 'friends zone' youre either friends with her or youre not, pretending to be her friend in the hopes she'll sleep with you or give you a relationship is deceitful, I never understand why men do this?? ..She's not on the fence either, that would imply she's unsure.. she told you bluntly she's not interested and she hasnt been in touch with you. If you wanted a final answer you could straight out ask her for a date but dont be disappointed if you don't get the response youd like.

orthsquel

FriendZonedFellow1025 wrote: »

would be a way of re-establishing some consistent contact with her,

if you want consistent contact with her, maybe contact her as a friend and ask her how she is, without hidden motivations and intentions.

As for the rest, tbh it's a bad idea. She could already have one or an affordable alternative and maybe just being polite in responding to your enthusiasm. But she's probably not going to go wow he should be my boyfriend because you "won" a nutribullet and gave it to her - she could appreciate and thank you for it and you'd be no further than you are now. It might be easier just to be upfront and direct and then accept her answer and move on.

Ursus Horribilis

If she already knows you fancy her and she has knocked you back, this "present" of the nutri-bullet might creep her out. She's no fool and she'll see right through this.
I've been on both sides of this fence as I'm sure a lot of people have. I know exactly how you feel and how you think that if only you can do something to make this other person notice you, you'll sail off into the sunset together. I have to admit I have been that gift-giving person as well. It didn't work
I've also been on the other side of this and it's an even worse place to be. At least when you fancy someone and they don't fancy you back, you can come to terms with it and lick your wounds. Having to deal with the unwanted affections of someone you don't fancy is uncomfortable. As is knocking them back.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If she already knows you fancy her and she has knocked you back, this "present" of the nutri-bullet might creep her out. She's no fool and she'll see right through this.
I've been on both sides of this fence as I'm sure a lot of people have. I know exactly how you feel and how you think that if only you can do something to make this other person notice you, you'll sail off into the sunset together. I have to admit I have been that gift-giving person as well. It didn't work
I've also been on the other side of this and it's an even worse place to be. At least when you fancy someone and they don't fancy you back, you can come to terms with it and lick your wounds. Having to deal with the unwanted affections of someone you don't fancy is uncomfortable. As is knocking them back.

Well I'm not going to say it was a knockback, like we were chatting and at the time she was on about a guy that asked her out when we first started hanging out, the guy that asked her out was a friend of mine in fact, I didn't ask her out for my reasons that I said above and my friend chanced his arm and she turned him down flat, he was quite bitter for a while over it actually and he believed he led her on which she didn't at all. She's just a friendly sort of girl and he got it into his head that she led him on.

Anyway she was talking to me about this thing with that friend of mine, and I said casually "Actually I fancied yourself at the same time as well but the fact you were in college and I know there isn't much work in your field, I thought you'd end up heading to England or further afield" and I was spot on, that's exactly what she did. Now she is back here for good, after our chats in a bar and online she is deadset on staying here as there are too many negatives in doing what she's qualified for in the UK. And I had it on my mind off and on because we got on and talked a lot about all sorts between April and July, but I think she is something of a commitment phobe the last while, she hasn't said that herself but it is the vibe I can get from her, one of our own friends even told me kind of the same thing. Maybe I'm dodging a bullet by not being able to get her attention.

You're all probably right, she's a nice girl but no she isn't stupid, I'll probably just message her and see how she is regardless, I do miss the messages of late, I'm into her alright but I'll settle for friends if I had to.

Yellow pack crisps

Pretty woman of the new millennium! a nutri bullet! She is giving you all the information you need and you are just ignoring it. She knows you fancy her and instead of getting closer to you she reigned in contact and dated someone else. She has not made any effort to be with you or give you an indication that she does actually quite the opposite. She also seems very dramatic and do you really want that in your life? Stop being hung up on one person and go out and meet someone who is interested in you.

pookie82

OP from reading your post, it's clear you invest waaaaaaay more into contacting this girl, watching her life (through social media/friends or whatever) and interpreting a long ago facebook comment that she wanted the same blender as you as a means to breaking back into her affections.

On paper it sounds very over enthusiastic and a little creepy ... I don't think you're trying to be creepy, I think you're just very naive and looking for an "in" any way you can, but presenting her with a gift based on something she said in passing a long time ago will definitely "out" your feelings more than you realise.

You mention a few times in your post that all of her relationships last a very short while and I get the feeling that deep down you're hoping this is because she can't meet the right guy as long as it's not you. To me, though, her inability to meet someone nice and make a go of it might be a sign that she's a little flighty, or high maintenance when it comes to being a gf as opposed to a friend. Maybe she's one of those who is 100% into new relationships but as soon as the "new" shine wears off (only a matter of weeks in for her, it seems) she's gone, and they're blocked and dust. There's a pattern here ... all of her flings sound like they end "dramatically" and "really badly" and you also mention she doesn't like to compromise and likes to do her own thing. All commendable attributes in a person, but not in a relationship. The latter requires fairly constant compromise and sometimes quite a bit of sacrifice too.

Do you really want to end up like this? If you insist on trying to move into relationship territory with her, I would suggest saying as much, very clearly, and asking her out. Don't leave any grey areas, ask her on a date. Then accept her answer completely, and if, as I suspect, it's a "I want you as a mate more than a bf", you need to firmly move on from her and put effort into someone who's interested back.

She sounds like she could be high maintenance, and you sound like a nice guy with a big heart who should hold out for more.

Dr Jakub

I'm sorry op but there is no way out of the friend zone, certainly not by buying some kind of juicer. You need to move on. If you can't get her out your of head cut contact, delete her off social media etc.

I really hope you didn't waste four years pining away hoping one day you'd be in relationship with her. If you are consistently hanging out with a girl you like for a month and nothing has happened, then accept she sees you as 'just friends' and move on.

iguana

There is no such thing as the 'friend zone' it's a delusion that some people convince themselves of because their crush doesn't fancy them back. If she was attracted to you she'd move on it, she might be wary of ruining a good friendship if it didn't work out, but ultimately it would no more hold her back than it would hold you back. When she told you she didn't want to risk your friendship it was her way of letting you down gently. Especially as after that she actually reduced contact with you. She did want you as a friend but if friendship wasn't your motivation, she also didn't want to lead you on. I'm sorry but she's just not into you. The best thing you can do is move on.

magicmushroom

Oh my God, all that reading for you just to ask if you should buy her a Nutribullet?

Jesus...the answer is no and also, that was a weird post.

SarahMollie

OP - have you had two monster threads on either this forum or RI lately, both basically about you being hurt by an ex so dating another girl who you didn't really approve of and whose family you thought were beneath you?

I think I remember talk of a girl who lived in England on one of those threads and this was months ago.

However - she is not into you and no nutribullet will change that. Save your money and turn your attentions elsewhere. Maybe try being single for a while instead of trying to always be in a relationship.

daisybelle2008

SarahMollie wrote: »

OP - have you had two monster threads on either this forum or RI lately, both basically about you being hurt by an ex so dating another girl who you didn't really approve of and whose family you thought were beneath you?

I think I remember talk of a girl who lived in England on one of those threads and this was months ago.

However - she is not into you and no nutribullet will change that. Save your money and turn your attentions elsewhere. Maybe try being single for a while instead of trying to always be in a relationship.

Very good advise you seem to make very poor choices for yourself based on how lonely you are at the time and blame the person for not living up to your expectations.

FriendZonedFellow1025 wrote: »

I told her about a really crappy ending to a relationship I had and it took its toll on me.

That could be a real turn off if you went into the level of bitter detail as your other threads. People talking badly about exes is a big red flag, and you are one of the worst offenders I have ever seen on here. You have quite the collection of exes you hate, it is not going to be attractive to many people hearing about it.

You were friends and you think she friendzoned you? No, you girlfriendzoned her when she clearly wasn't interested and now you're trying to get her to comply via bribes and persistence. Have a bit of respect for her and for yourself.

Airyfairy12

FriendZonedFellow1025 wrote: »

but I think she is something of a commitment phobe the last while, she hasn't said that herself but it is the vibe I can get from her, one of our own friends even told me kind of the same thing. Maybe I'm dodging a bullet by not being able to get her attention.

Just because she's not into you or your friend doesnt mean shes a commitment phobe... maybe she's holding out for someone she actually likes rather than jumping on whatever guy shows a bit of interest.

otnomart

FriendZonedFellow1025 wrote: »

I even went as far to say “You know I had a bit of a crush on you when I met you first but I thought better not to ask you out because you were busy with college and I envisioned you leaving the country so I said I wouldn’t”

I think you were not honest with her, because you still have a crush on her (not "had" in the past).
You should have asked her out in a straighforward way, and then accepted her answer whatever that might be.
I think using the Nutribullet as a hook to get talking to her again and inspire some grateful feelings in her is a bad idea.

FriendZonedFellow1025 wrote: »

I'm into her alright but I'll settle for friends if I had to.

By doing this, you are not doing yourself any favours.
Why "settle" for a friendship ?
Better in a long run to move on with your life, making new friendships in their own right and so on.

Taltos

Mod Note
After some investigation after the suggestions above it's become clear OP that you have indeed posted this and variations of this a number of times.
As you've received excellent advice on this already we are now telling you not to post on this topic or variation again on pain on receiving a ban from the forum. We view posters who use the anon feature to get around our no spamming rule very dimly and from this point on will be taking a firm stance on your posts including replies from you reg/unreg to all other threads here.

Thread Closed.