OH freaking out at me over past feelings

LegacyUser

So let me just start off by saying my OH is 10 years older than me and that 2 months after we started going out I went on exchange to Europe for 9 months. We stayed together during this time. Prior to her I had also gotten out of a 3 year relationship and was single for a few months, and prior to THAT relationship I had been in another 3 year relationship.

So before I left for Europe I was feeling anxious and confused. I was anxious and confused
about our age gap, doing long distance, committing myself to another relationship so soon, especially with a woman I felt I didn’t know that well (we had only known each other for 2 months at this point, remember). Some of my friends are polyamorous and they have on occasion talked about the merits of polyamory. In my uncertainty and anxiety I had entertained the idea of potentially being polyamorous, perhaps as a way to offset the fact that I didn’t want to finish our relationship, because I loved her, but I also felt a little overwhelmed at the fact I was engaging myself into a long distance relationship with someone I didn’t know that well. Maybe you’ll point out “how can you love someone you claim you don’t know?” Let me just say I believe in love at first sight, and my OH being the best example I could ever think of. Anyways, before I left we had somehow gotten on to the topic of polyamory and she was very quick to shoot down any suggestion or even hint of polyamory. That was that and we moved on (I had suggested nothing at this point, we were merely discussing it as a topic).

Fast forward to my first month of being in Europe and those polyamorous feelings still hadn’t totally left me. I confided to a friend through email how I felt. As time went on these feelings faded away, and the more I got to know my OH, the closer I felt to her and the more ready and willing I was to engage in a long term committed relationship, despite the distance. I had always loved her from the start, and this never changed.
That was one year ago. A year and a month, to be exact. Fast forward to 6.30am this morning and I get a phone-call from her freaking out at me. She said she’s seen an email that I sent a year ago to said friend, that I had considered polyamory. She says she’s been throwing up all morning and feels revolted and wants to break up. I asked her how she got into my emails and she said it had just been open when she went to check hers, presumably from me logging in from her phone recently. She’s mortified that I could ever have even considered maybe being with more than one person. She’s saying she’s not sure if she can trust me again or even hold my hand.

I’m dumbfounded by this. These were sentiments that I had expressed during a time of uncertainty and anxiety. I have since decisively moved on, and banished any notions of polyamory. It was 13 months ago after all. Am I not entitled to have an opinion about something? Am I not allowed to have doubts over a relationship I had just started? I can see why she might be a bit upset but I feel she is blowing this way out of proportion. We had just started seeing each other – loved her I did (and do) but like I’ve stressed I was nervous about leaving the country, nervous about a new relationship, nervous about the age gap and just not very sure of many things at all. I would’ve thought it’s pretty normal to explore different ideas and options in times like this. Moreover, I’m outraged she read my emails. I know she said it was unintentional and an accident, and I do believe her, but it doesn’t change the fact that according to my Gmail account, I was logged in from her phone for a good 25 minutes this morning – which seems like more than enough time in my email account.

I don’t believe she’s actually breaking up with me but I’m just fuming. I don't know what she's thinking or what she's planning. Do I have a right to be annoyed? Who is being wrong done here? Right now I just want to get all my possessions from her house and bring them back to mine, and not see her for a few days. I have so much work to do for tomorrow and it’s so difficult trying to focus on it while also thinking of this. I just can’t fathom how she can’t understand my position one feckin’ year ago. She’s acting like I’ve been having an affair or something. She said she was shaking and throwing up – I mean seriously? I never loved her any less, I simply thought just MAYBE more than one partner MIGHT’VE been something that suited me, but I didn’t even come to that conclusion. I decided I loved her and only want her and was willing and happy to commit to a monogamous relationship.

What should I do? My head is all over the place. Am I being the asshole here?

Hmm_Messiah

First off I would suggest you wait until you are speaking face to face rather than thinking so much about her phone response - her phone response was he initial reaction

other than that only 2 thoughts come to mind

1. You write as if you think polyamory is a conventional common place thing - it most definitely isn't. Any one who does not see any merit in it probably sees it as very much lacking merit, and "easy" option rather than being fully committed to a relationship.

So you really need to see this as her reaction to a guy she committed to long distance etc, seeming to be " considering his options" and not a conventional option at that

2. I am confused how if you accidentally stayed logged in on her phone that she would see an email from over a year ago - how is that possible without browsing/searching etc.

"Do I have a right to be annoyed? Who is being wrong done here? Right now I just want to get all my possessions from her house and bring them back to mine, and not see her for a few days."

Not as much a right as she has to being very disturbed and annoyed as she initially wondered how real the commitment was at that time . your gut reaction also seems extreme

" I never loved her any less, I simply thought just MAYBE more than one partner MIGHT’VE been something that suited me, but I didn’t even come to that conclusion. I decided I loved her and only want her and was willing and happy to commit to a monogamous relationship."

I wonder what age you are. I also think you might be deceiving yourself a little - you didn't decide you loved her and her only - you were inclined towards trying being with others - it was your other half's objection that decided it for you - not your free choice

To be honest - I wonder about the age thing, because I am not sure you understand how polyamory works - you were going to maintain a long distance emotional relationship with her, with no physical relationship, while a physical one with some one else ( or more than 1) ? so a person close by was going to be able to offer you physical pleasures, and possible emotional pleasures while this woman you knew only 2 months offered affection only from afar ?

And sadly, in my opinion this "love at first sight thing" you mention is a self deception - if you fell head over heels in love with some one you would not have complicated musing about "might try other people when separated"

Potatoeman

How old are you? A ten year age gap is very different when the woman is older. Does she want kids, do you?

LegacyUser

Hmm_Messiah wrote: »

First off I would suggest you wait until you are speaking face to face rather than thinking so much about her phone response - her phone response was he initial reaction

other than that only 2 thoughts come to mind

1. You write as if you think polyamory is a conventional common place thing - it most definitely isn't. Any one who does not see any merit in it probably sees it as very much lacking merit, and "easy" option rather than being fully committed to a relationship.

So you really need to see this as her reaction to a guy she committed to long distance etc, seeming to be " considering his options" and not a conventional option at that

I totally understand why one wouldn't be into polyamory. I'm not even into it, but there was a brief time frame after 2 3 year long relationships in a row where I thought it might've been an attractive lifestyle choice, bare in mind I have a few polyamorous friends and not to shift a blame on anyone or whatever for this debacle, but they definitely did influence me during that time. I'm now, and have been since last September, completely beyond ideas of polyamory.

Hmm_Messiah wrote: »

2. I am confused how if you accidentally stayed logged in on her phone that she would see an email from over a year ago - how is that possible without browsing/searching etc.

This is beyond me too, honestly. Though I really can't imagine her snooping through my emails. I don't know anymore I guess.

Hmm_Messiah wrote: »

Not as much a right as she has to being very disturbed and annoyed as she initially wondered how real the commitment was at that time . your gut reaction also seems extreme

I won't deny I had questions about the commitment at the time - this all played into the anxiety I was feeling at the time. I just simply didn't know what to do or how to feel, I was very unsure and worried about how unready I felt at the time. Yes you're right, my gut reaction could've been a bit more restrained but I was just so taken back by the fact she was reading my emails.

Hmm_Messiah wrote: »

I wonder what age you are. I also think you might be deceiving yourself a little - you didn't decide you loved her and her only - you were inclined towards trying being with others - it was your other half's objection that decided it for you - not your free choice

I'm in my mid 20s. I would also disagree, I did decide I only loved her. I was inclined towards trying being with others but it never lessened how I felt about her. I came to realize she is worth so much more than experimenting with polyamory. When she shot down any inkling of suggestion I mulled over for a while how I really felt - about love, about her, about my future. I concluded that I wanted her and her only.

Hmm_Messiah wrote: »

To be honest - I wonder about the age thing, because I am not sure you understand how polyamory works - you were going to maintain a long distance emotional relationship with her, with no physical relationship, while a physical one with some one else ( or more than 1) ? so a person close by was going to be able to offer you physical pleasures, and possible emotional pleasures while this woman you knew only 2 months offered affection only from afar ?

I don't deny that I had a skewed perception of what would entail in a polyamorous relationship under those circumstances.

Hmm_Messiah wrote: »

And sadly, in my opinion this "love at first sight thing" you mention is a self deception - if you fell head over heels in love with some one you would not have complicated musing about "might try other people when separated"

I'm not sure I 100% get you on this point. Like I said I was full of uncertainty and anxiety. Does that excuse anything and everything? No. Does it cloud rational decision making and perception? Sometimes. Did I love her but feel at that specific time, before I left and after arriving, "maybe pure love isn't enough"? I sure did.

Thanks for replying. Hope I'm not coming across as some pr1ck.

Potatoeman - None of us are interested in kids at the moment.

Dial Hard

Did you post about this before OP? It's ringing major bells for me.

Sleepy

TBH, I think you'd have every right to be annoyed at her going through your email in that fashion. If you'd given her reason to think you were cheating, I could understand it but if all else has been right in the relationship until now I'd be having a very long conversation with her about boundaries.

Gregor Samsa

Something to keep in mind as you appraise her (and your) reaction to all this. This is something that's 13 months in the past for you. You've moved on from it and no-longer consider it an option. So to you it's nothing to get worked up about.

But she's being confronted with your (then) thoughts regarding it for the first time today, totally out of the blue. To her, it's not 13 months ago - it's now. To her, it's not her new, unsure boyfriend having a casual conversation about the topic with a friend, it's her committed boyfriend that she woke up beside this morning discussing a topic with a 3rd party that calls into question your commitment to her.

Looking at this solely from your side and throwing your toys out of the pram because she's "over-reacting to nothing" isn't going to help you at all. You have to acknowledge where she's coming from before you can start explaining yourself. If you do that right, she will see that polyamory isn't something you're interested in at all, and you are 100% committed to her.

As to whether she's in the "right" to have seen the email or not, that's really inconsequential. This isn't a legal case where information can be deemed inadmissible if it's not acquired in the proper manner. She's seen it, she's reacting to it, and you have to deal with that reality.

Magicmatilda

How long have you actually been in a relationship in the same country?

While you were away how often did you see her?

Honestly I think her reaction about getting sick over this is an over reaction and I think how she came across this email that is a year old is relevant. Has she been snooping through your mails? If so, why?

Has she reacted like this in the past?

You say neither of you are interested in kids at the minute but the reality is that if she wants to have kids she is going to want to have them pretty soon. Is this a conversation that you have both had?

LegacyUser

Well I feel awful now.

Phutyle - Yes you're completely right, I did over-react and not think of it from her point of view. I called her yesterday and tried to talk to her about it. I tried to re-assure her that I love her and I always did, and that I'm sorry for upsetting her. She said that everything has changed now, the magic has been stripped away and she feels like she doesn't really know me anymore. I don't really know what to say. She said she's willing to continue but needs something back from me but as I said, I'm lost for words.

It was such a non-thing for me, naivety, listening too much to my polyamorous friends, trying to come to grips with the fact I was entering another (long distance) relationship so soon. I did love her during this time and it's part of the reason why I was stressed, because I didn't want to leave her but also wasn't sure on how to continue and what was best for my life. She said if I loved her I shouldn't have been able to fathom being with another woman. She says the fact that I contemplated it makes her sick. I think her views on polyamorous are a bit extreme, she thinks it's absolutely abhorrent and says that anyone who practises are greedy, cruel and selfish individuals. Fair enough if you're not into it but I feel like I had a stint with neo-Nazism or something here. I don't really know how to reason with her or get her to understand where I might've come from.

I get why she's upset and I see where she's coming from. But I don't know how to react or what I can say or do to make her feel better. I can re-assure her that I love her as much as I want, and that I did love her last summer despite my questionings on polyamory, but it's not going to change the fact she feels heartbroken.

I feel lost, what do I do? And to anyone who's inquiring about kids yes we've talked about it, a few times, and no it's not an issue.

Much appreciate the replies

Hmm_Messiah

kilkennypiper wrote: »

Well I feel awful now. I think her views on polyamorous are a bit extreme, she thinks it's absolutely abhorrent and says that anyone who practises are greedy, cruel and selfish individuals. Fair enough if you're not into it but I feel like I had a stint with neo-Nazism or something here.

I get why she's upset and I see where she's coming from.

To be honest I still think you are intellectualising everything a little and being non emotional ( other than your obvious upset)

How can you "get" why she is upset and think her views extreme ? That sounds like you are not getting it . She obviously, like many people, finds the whole idea of multiple partners ( to move on from the polyamory euphemism) is a cop out on both commitment and intimate unique love.

I find her response reasonable seeing as she expressed them before the event. I also find them reasonable from any one , and this is coming from a Wiccan (me) where the practice is culturally accepted etc)

I think if she is "willing to continue" then you should concentrate on that. It was an email which caused the furore, so maybe try a written response - i.e. it was reading your thoughts in black in white which so surprised and upset her - write now to balance that. Write about your confusion at the time, your concerns, and all the things you have said her . IF you see how what happened was hurtful then acknowledge you were wrong and are mortified at having hurting her or made her question your life - ask her to give you the opportunity to bring that magic back and in time demonstrate it was not lost, that your love was continuous despite the terrible impact your past musings had on it

gaynorvader

By the sounds of it she didn't know you 13 months ago, when you sent that email. You were a different person 13 months ago though, we all were, your relationship was in a different place. She's basing who you are now on one email sent to a friend about a passing thought over the 13 months she's spent getting to know you since. She's making a mountain out of a molehill in my opinion. All you can to is give her some time and space to calm down and then try to talk to her openly about it, preferably face to face.

tara73

It's a tricky one, I understand her that she's upset and I understand you because you just discussed it with friends and never acted on it.
But this Mail was never destined for her.
And here lies some of the crux: she must have definitely snooped in your mails, how else is it possible to read a mail from 1 year ago? you said you were locked in but why does she feel the right to scroll through your mails?
Did you discuss this with her? That this is not ok?
I guess she'll argue it doesn't matter and you just want to distract from the mail and want to make her feel guilty too.
But it does matter because she must have deliberately been snooping and in a way searching for something why else end up in mails from 12 month ago? And if you just search enough you will find something almost for sure.
So I think there is a mistrust thing from her side which is not good.

I don't know OP, as I said it's a tricky one but I think there's an issue here more with her than with you. I hope you can clear it up but for that I think it's important to make her understand that it's not ok to snoop through your private stuff/mails. Ask her If she doesn't trust you in first place. She most obviously doesn't.

I'm generally not a fan of showing the partner the thread he/she opened here on the issue but in this case it might be a good thing because you explained your situation from a year ago very well and that you love her and that you not only ever acted on your idea, that you dismissed it also very quickly.

Jesus, what's that for a world anyway in which you can't discuss ideas with your friends after such short time being in a relationship. I definitely think she's the one here in the wrong.

J Mysterio

Tara73 - spot on.

Rekop dog

She seems very immature from your descriptions of her, probably explains how you ended up together in the first place as its not very often you see mid 30's woman with a guy 10 years younger.

Your rationale seemed pretty understandable at the time and I also think your opinions about her overreaction were right. 2 months is not a long time and if one member was traveling to work abroad medium term it's not a controversial conversation to discuss an open relationship until returning. It's also fine that she didn't want this but for her not being able to comprehend why you may have had these thoughts is childish on her behalf, and the throwing up reaction is overly dramatic all things considered.

You need to stay strong to your convictions and not doubt yourself on this. She's shown complete lack of trust in you and displayed slightly worrying behaviours, you shouldn't be so worried about her leaving you, you should be questioning whether this is the person you want to spend your future with, her paranoia is probably only going to get worse as well now.

A private email conversation you had with someone else has nothing to do with her, and she can't decide that she's now the thought police and that you should grovel in apology for thinking about something.

Ask yourself if the important thing is how upset she is at something that never happened and was only thought about, or the real live actions of someone looking through your private correspondence and behaving hysterically like they're the wronged party when they read something that never happened, wasn't a reality, was only thought of, and was forgotten about.

The throwing up in distress is an overreaction of epic proportions. You are the wronged party here, a real life intrusion on your life and privacy was made. She's the one puking because you thought about something, once. Ask yourself what's wrong with that picture.