Gay Father

nigmatron

I have a child from a previous relationship. Long story short I'm openly gay now and in a relationship with a man. My ex is married and everything is great between us. Our son is 9 years old and he knows I am in a relationship with a guy. However too young to fully comprehend about sexuality etc.. my problem is he doesn't live near me. I am worried that when he tells his friend that his Dad is gay that they will bully him (kids being kids). It like I am delighted he knows I am gay, and his mother speaks highly of me and we have an amazing bond but I am worried there's a backlash for him over my sexuality even though I want him to know Gay is OK. Does anyone have any advice/experience in relation to this? Thanks

Tigger

nigmatron wrote: »

I have a child from a previous relationship. Long story short I'm openly gay now and in a relationship with a man. My ex is married and everything is great between us. Our son is 9 years old and he knows I am in a relationship with a guy. However too young to fully comprehend about sexuality etc.. my problem is he doesn't live near me. I am worried that when he tells his friend that his Dad is gay that they will bully him (kids being kids). It like I am delighted he knows I am gay, and his mother speaks highly of me and we have an amazing bond but I am worried there's a backlash for him over my sexuality even though I want him to know Gay is OK. Does anyone have any advice/experience in relation to this? Thanks

Not the same but years ago I worked in a very rough job in a rough area
I was the youngest there and I happen to have a mouth on me so I got the odd slap
I was working there ages and made friends with an older lad and after a while he was getting upset with people calling me a fag. I'm not gay but back then it was a typical comment people made. So he says to me you should stop hanging round with me cos it's because I'm gay that people are calling you gay. I says no it's just cos I'm me and I don't care one way or the other . I told him not to be silly.
I'm never clear at explain myself in text but my point is if he's gonna get picked on he's gonna get picked on. Feck the begrudgers

nigmatron

Tigger wrote: »

Not the same but years ago I worked in a very rough job in a rough area
I was the youngest there and I happen to have a mouth on me so I got the odd slap
I was working there ages and made friends with an older lad and after a while he was getting upset with people calling me a fag. I'm not gay but back then it was a typical comment people made. So he says to me you should stop hanging round with me cos it's because I'm gay that people are calling you gay. I says no it's just cos I'm me and I don't care one way or the other . I told him not to be silly.
I'm never clear at explain myself in text but my point is if he's gonna get picked on he's gonna get picked on. Feck the begrudgers

I know but still I don't know how to balance the fine line with making Gay Ok yet almost asking him not to tell his friends .. confused

spurious

By telling them he takes away their power to use it as an insult.

Your Dad's gay!!!

Yes, and...?

nigmatron

spurious wrote: »

By telling them he takes away their power to use it as an insult.

Your Dad's gay!!!

Yes, and...?

Yes I thought about this exact response earlier.. seems like a good resolve. It will only affect him if he lets it. Thank you!

Annasopra

nigmatron wrote: »

I know but still I don't know how to balance the fine line with making Gay Ok yet almost asking him not to tell his friends .. confused

Why shouldnt he tell them?

Joeytheparrot

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

Why shouldnt he tell them?

I wouldn't recommend he shouts it from the rooftops in school but he should be fully prepared to deal with it if a comment is made and be open and honest about it at the same time.

Annasopra

Deleted User wrote: »

I wouldn't recommend he shouts it from the rooftops in school but he should be fully prepared to deal with it if a comment is made and be open and honest about it at the same time.

Hiding it makes it seem like there is something to be ashamed of

Hunchback

It's great you have a good relationship with his Mum. Talk to her about this. She and you can work together

Macstuff

I can understand that this is something that you would worry about. Then again, all parents worry about their kids being bullied and would feel especially guilty if they thought that their lifestyle in some way contributed to that. For example, my sister in law is a single mother and worried that her daughter would be picked on "for not having a daddy". Another friend worries cause his job is an unskilled one, however his kid goes to a middle class school where most other daddies are wealthy professionals.
So your not the first to worry about your child being different and being picked on - it's normal and shows that you are a good parent.

I think that you have to talk to your child openly and honestly about this. The reality is that:
he's probably already realised that his family is different in some ways to his friends and probably has some questions that he'd like you to answer so that he can figure things out. If you somehow avoid the subject with him he might conclude that there's something wrong with his family.
Kids are generally perceptive and notice when things are hidden from them and conclude that there is something bad about the situation.
If you are open about it he will tell you his thoughts and it will give you a chance to give him the words and tools that he needs to figure this out. Think about how you talk to him about your partner - how is he described, does he have a title, is the language associated with that title positive? He also has another step dad on his mums side so he needs to be able to have words and phrases around that mans role and title. You should try and help him figure all this out.

It might be a good idea to seek out other gay daddies and arrange a few play dates for him with their children. My logic is that you can talk about diversity all you want but its great for kids if they can see other families similar to themselves in action. Then they know that diversity is normal.

Someone in his group is soon going to start a conversation about family/parents etc. They will ask him about his. If he has spoken to you about it (and his mam) then he will have the tools to answer the questions and take part in the conversation without feeling strange or different.
It will mean that he will be able to confidently explain his family to anyone - why ye are different and why ye are the same as everyone else.
This should reduce the chances of him being bullied, as unfortunately bullies typically pick on kids who are different and who somehow appear weak or ashamed about their difference.

I'd also make the effort to get to know his friends parents - even if you live far away. These parents will be discussing your family in their homes with their kids - in the same way as they would, the families of all of their kids friends.
In reality some/a lot of his friends parents will not have come across the family dynamics that exist in your family before. By knowing you and having met you they will think of you when talking to their kids at home. Rather than focusing on your differences, they are likely to focus on your similarities to them. This again will help reduce the chances of your son being picked out for being different as the kids from those houses will have a better understanding and therefore wont see difference.

Honesty and openness is best, pushing this to one side in any way just makes a deal out of something that's really not.

nigmatron

Macstuff wrote: »

I can understand that this is something that you would worry about. Then again, all parents worry about their kids being bullied and would feel especially guilty if they thought that their lifestyle in some way contributed to that. For example, my sister in law is a single mother and worried that her daughter would be picked on "for not having a daddy". Another friend worries cause his job is an unskilled one, however his kid goes to a middle class school where most other daddies are wealthy professionals.
So your not the first to worry about your child being different and being picked on - it's normal and shows that you are a good parent.

I think that you have to talk to your child openly and honestly about this. The reality is that:
he's probably already realised that his family is different in some ways to his friends and probably has some questions that he'd like you to answer so that he can figure things out. If you somehow avoid the subject with him he might conclude that there's something wrong with his family.
Kids are generally perceptive and notice when things are hidden from them and conclude that there is something bad about the situation.
If you are open about it he will tell you his thoughts and it will give you a chance to give him the words and tools that he needs to figure this out. Think about how you talk to him about your partner - how is he described, does he have a title, is the language associated with that title positive? He also has another step dad on his mums side so he needs to be able to have words and phrases around that mans role and title. You should try and help him figure all this out.

It might be a good idea to seek out other gay daddies and arrange a few play dates for him with their children. My logic is that you can talk about diversity all you want but its great for kids if they can see other families similar to themselves in action. Then they know that diversity is normal.

Someone in his group is soon going to start a conversation about family/parents etc. They will ask him about his. If he has spoken to you about it (and his mam) then he will have the tools to answer the questions and take part in the conversation without feeling strange or different.
It will mean that he will be able to confidently explain his family to anyone - why ye are different and why ye are the same as everyone else.
This should reduce the chances of him being bullied, as unfortunately bullies typically pick on kids who are different and who somehow appear weak or ashamed about their difference.

I'd also make the effort to get to know his friends parents - even if you live far away. These parents will be discussing your family in their homes with their kids - in the same way as they would, the families of all of their kids friends.
In reality some/a lot of his friends parents will not have come across the family dynamics that exist in your family before. By knowing you and having met you they will think of you when talking to their kids at home. Rather than focusing on your differences, they are likely to focus on your similarities to them. This again will help reduce the chances of your son being picked out for being different as the kids from those houses will have a better understanding and therefore wont see difference.

Honesty and openness is best, pushing this to one side in any way just makes a deal out of something that's really not.

Some really great advice here! Thanks very much I really appreciate it.

nigmatron

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

Why shouldnt he tell them?

Because kids can be cruel and say all the Nasty mean words like you dad is that and that the F word etc... young kids / teens can be very cruel with bullying words