Friends Weight Loss Making Me Feel Inadequate

LegacyUser

So yeah this is pretty much summed up in the title. When I was in my 3rd year of college I made friends with a group of girls, 3 of whom were about the same weight/size as me, maybe a little bulkier, but not much. I never considered myself fat but I knew I was threading close enough to the overweight mark in terms of BMI, but pretty average none the less, as were they.

Now 3 years later, and these girls have all lost a sight of weight, they have all dropped from a biggish 12 to a size 8. Which you know, great for them, however its the way they talk about themselves in those old photos that really makes me feel awful. I know theyre refering to themselves but when they call themselves fat obeese make jokes about selling a double chin for money how shameful it was etc, it makes me feel inadequate cause I still look like that, Im still the same size as they were, and when they talk about themselves so negatively I cant help but feel inadequate, "the absolute embarrasment of it all", should I be embarrassed of how I look now? I never considered them fat at the time but no matter how much I tell them they werent when it comes up in conversation, they adamantly insist they were hideous disgusting pigs, we even have a male friend who agrees that they were (he was overweight at the time but has become a fitness fanatic and an extremely clean eater since [I am actually slightly concerned that he may have orthorexia, but thats a story for another day] and as a resulthe is now of a slender but athletic build; he and one of these girls go to the gym regularly together so I assume its just one of the many jokey conversations they have, "how fat we used to be"), and in doing so I know they do not intend it to, but it does somewhat reflect onto me and makes me feel bad about how I look and makes me feel extremely inadequate.

If I told them any of this I feel that they were insist Im not, and then continue to compare themselves as pigs up for the market and the like but reassuring me that Im not. I think its moreso the distorted body ideals they have is what annoys me, is everyone above their current weight an ogre in their eyes, do they mock anyone who was a similar size to themselves at the time the way they mock themselves (even in their own heads, never mind with eachother, do they judge peoples body so harshly as I have heard them judge their past selves)?

I'm not sure what I expect of this post but I guess I just wanted to vent it out.

meeeeh

I think sometimes people have nothing else to find self worth in but their looks. I know plenty of people who look good or exercise yet that doesn't define them them. They don't need to discuss it endlessly and compare themselves to others. Your friends seem to be exactly the opposite. There is nothing more boring or vapid than someone obsessed with their or other people's looks.

You are healthy weight and it is healthy for you to stay that way. You don't need to worry about anything more. There is about 90% or 80% chance your friends will gain back the weight and what then? You are not disgusting or a pig, you wouldn't be that even if you were overweight and their comments reflect badly on them not you.

December2012

They are talking about themselves, not size 12 people in general. They felt bad about themselves, not you.

retro:electro

I doubt they mean to hurt your feelings op. I think they're just so wrapped up in their weight loss that they're not even thinking about how you may be feeling, although they could be a little more considerate about how they phrase things.
I accidently insulted one of my friends before in the same vain. My sister had lost a load of weight, probably about four stone, and one of my friends was at the time the same weight as my sister used to be. Anyway, my sister was getting rid of a load of old clothes that didn't fit her anymore and asked if I wanted to pass them on to said friend. I thought great, she'll love them. She took the clothes, but never wore any of them. Little did I know that I completely insulted the girl, she told me after a few weeks that I may as well have said, "ya know how my sister lost a load of weight and isn't fat anymore, well here's all her old fat clothes that don't fit her but they'll fit you because you're still fat". Of course I didn't say it anything like that, and I was so so so embarrassed when she told me. What I mean is, sometimes people are so wrapped up in themselves and their success and aren't really thinking outside of themselves, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm sure they're just proud of how far they've come and didn't feel the weight suited them.

Ya know, in a weird twisted way, maybe they're trying to motivate you to lose some weight as well, and by harping on about how happy they feel maybe they think they're encouraging you to do the same? From your op it sounds like you're not happy with yourself, and if that's the truth then maybe you should look into how you can change that.

silverbolt

I can see how these people feel.

I did the same - 6 years ago I was about 14 1/2 stone (at 5'10" and I have a naturally narrow, slim build) with a 36-38" waist. And i hated it, loathed how i felt (there was a lot more in my life going on) - now I barely top 10 stone with a 28" waist and I love being this slim again/ Ok wish my belly was a bit more toned/flatter but I'm glad i have definition in my figure again.

I look back on old photos of me and cringe. I hated how much of a blob I had turned into. So i mock the old fat me, I see my double chin, waxy skin, man boobs and rotund belly and call myself all kinds of names.

But i dont direct that at anyone else. Purely myself. Youre friends are not attacking you. They are proud of what they have achieved (and rightly so) and looking at how they were and how they are now is some well earned pride in themselves.

Be happy in who you are. youre not unhealthy and like how you look. If you dont then, make changes in diet, do some more exercise and lose the weight. but do it for yourself, not them.

Not meaning to be too blunt, but have you tried losing some weight yourself? Ask how these girls managed it and see how you can achieve it yourself. I'm not saying you're unhealthy, because I don't know, but if it is something that does make you feel inadequate (if you were comfortable in yourself, then their comments likely wouldn't be causing you any issue), then it might be a good idea.

meeeeh

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Not meaning to be too blunt, but have you tried losing some weight yourself? Ask how these girls managed it and see how you can achieve it yourself. I'm not saying you're unhealthy, because I don't know, but if it is something that does make you feel inadequate (if you were comfortable in yourself, then their comments likely wouldn't be causing you any issue), then it might be a good idea.

Because if someone is feeling inadequate because of what others are saying then they must be fat?

Op says she is healthy bmi and that she is a bit smaller than her friends used to be so about size 10 or 12 which would be ok for the average height. I don't think she needs to lose weight and frankly there are better ways of motivating others than going on and on about looks (what bores).

meeeeh

meeeeh wrote: »

Because if someone is feeling inadequate because of what others are saying then they must be fat.

You automatically assume I called them fat? Did you see me say that anywhere? If you actually read my post, instead of jumping to your own conclusion, you would have seen me say -

I'm not saying you're unhealthy, because I don't know

The OP's issue is that their friends are talking about how they were before they lost weight. The OP is feeling inadequate about themselves due to this, because they are still (edit: or at least in or around) the same weight as these friends were.

The OP can't exactly ask the friends to stop talking this way, because they're not doing anything wrong and aren't out to hurt this person, so their options, as far as I can see it, are 1) know that the friends aren't out to hurt and not let their comments get to them, 2) distance themselves from these friends, so they don't hear their comments and thus not feel inadequate by them/their weight loss, or 3) lose weight themselves, thus not feeling inadequate.

meeeeh

[Deleted User] wrote: »

You automatically assume I called them fat? Did you see me say that anywhere? If you actually read my post, instead of jumping to your own conclusion, you would have seen me say -



The OP's issue is that their friends are talking about how they were before they lost weight. The OP is feeling inadequate about themselves due to this, because they are still (edit: or at least in or around) the same weight as these friends were.

No she feels inadequate because her friends started to label ok-ish body size obese, fat pig, disgusting and so on...

meeeeh

meeeeh wrote: »

No she feels inadequate because her friends started to label ok-ish body size obese, fat pig, disgusting and so on...

No, the friends have started to label their own old body size as being obese, fat pig, disgusting, not whatever size it was in general or about other people.

This is an important distinction. One is acknowledging a previously unhappy state, the other is whatever you think it is.

Again, the OP even references this -

I know theyre refering to themselves

As this person put it -

silverbolt wrote: »

I can see how these people feel.

I did the same - 6 years ago I was about 14 1/2 stone (at 5'10" and I have a naturally narrow, slim build) with a 36-38" waist. And i hated it, loathed how i felt (there was a lot more in my life going on) - now I barely top 10 stone with a 28" waist and I love being this slim again/ Ok wish my belly was a bit more toned/flatter but I'm glad i have definition in my figure again.

I look back on old photos of me and cringe. I hated how much of a blob I had turned into. So i mock the old fat me, I see my double chin, waxy skin, man boobs and rotund belly and call myself all kinds of names.

But i dont direct that at anyone else. Purely myself. Youre friends are not attacking you. They are proud of what they have achieved (and rightly so) and looking at how they were and how they are now is some well earned pride in themselves.

(btw kudos to that person for their own weight loss!)

These friends are doing just this - looking back at how they were and feeling embarrassed about it, which is perfectly OK. The only difference is that they're being more colourful in their language and references.

If the OP feels happy and comfortable in themselves, then the comments would be water off a duck's back, but instead it is making them question whether they should feel embarrassed and is making them feel inadequate suddenly.

Surely it should be looked at as to why this might be?

And besides, I merely asked whether losing weight would be a possible option, not telling them they should or labeling them as fat.

njs030

meeeeh wrote: »

Because if someone is feeling inadequate because of what others are saying then they must be fat?

Op says she is healthy bmi and that she is a bit smaller than her friends used to be so about size 10 or 12 which would be ok for the average height. I don't think she needs to lose weight and frankly there are better ways of motivating others than going on and on about looks (what bores).

She said she's pretty close to the higher end of bmi and didn't mention a height so you're just guessing.

Bmi isn't dependable anyway, a slim woman with big boobs weighs a lot because of them, a muscular man is heavy and has a high bmi. Anything that depends solely on weight rather then muscle tone or fitness level isn't a good way to judge.

Op if you're feeling uneasy that comes from inside you, no one can "make" you feel bad about yourself. If you're happy with how you are just ignore them and tell them to stop going on about it!

Dial Hard

OP I can understand how you feel but you need to remember that these comments aren't directed at you.

I've a sister who's both taller than me and over a stone lighter. I'm a size 10, she's a 6. If she puts on a pound or two she constantly goes on about how fat she's getting and how horrible she looks. I could take that to mean that ahe must think I'm a colossal pig because I'm two sizes bigger than her and a stone and a half heavier. But I know she doesn't think that, at all.

People can tend to be incredibly self-critical about their appearance and don't tend to place that within a context of those around them. Is it thoughtless? Yes, a bit. But there's no malice in it.

silverbolt

meeeeh wrote: »

No she feels inadequate because her friends started to label ok-ish body size obese, fat pig, disgusting and so on...

I have to agree with boneyarsebogman here. they are not labeling the OP. They re labeling themselves.

beks101

They sound like diet bores tbh.

If I I was hanging out with friends who constantly lauded their weight loss as if it's some sort of Holy Grail, banged on about their diets or calories or macros continuously and referred to their former average-selves as "disgusting pigs" I'd soon tire of them too.

I've shed a bit of weight gradually over the last few years too but I would never refer to my bigger (average) self as "disgusting" or "hideous" as I was never those things and more to the point - I've got friends who are that size and they are not those things either. And on top of that, self-loathing talk like that helps no-one. I think it speaks of a disordered way of thinking about yourself, an unhealthy tie-in with weight and self-worth and an obsession with being slim not for the sake of your health but for the sake of keeping that "disgusting pig" in you at bay.

I saw a ten-year throwback recently on facebook and the first thing that struck me was how my face looked bigger, the second thing was how young we all looked - which one did I make reference to? Take a guess. No-one needs to hear about how I feel about my former double chin, least of all me. I was bigger then, I am smaller now, and a bloody great person both times. THAT'S what weight loss should mean. Not "I was disgusting then, I am acceptable now" which is setting your self esteem up for all sorts of bullsh1t in the years ahead.

OP, I'd like to think you could have a reasonable conversation with your mates, say something like "I'm thrilled for your weight loss and you all look great, but the self-hating comments are annoying and a bit insulting. You have to remember, I look as you once did and don't think I'm hideous" - and it would perhaps make them a bit more self-aware. And maybe it would - perhaps you should give it a go.

But personal experience would be these girls will continue in their body-obsessive mindset for years to come and you'll forever feel inadequate in their presence unless you suddenly shed a load of weight. In which case you'd be "competitive dieting" and not doing it for your own healthy reasons so you'd probably just become one of them.

So my real advice would be - reduce the amount of time you spend in their company. Find other friends to hang out with and don't engage in the diet-speak no matter how tempting it is. It can be addictive.

bee06

Dial Hard wrote: »

People can tend to be incredibly self-critical about their appearance and don't tend to place that within a context of those around them. Is it thoughtless? Yes, a bit. But there's no malice in it.

I think this is the key. How people see themselves and see other people are very different things. A lot of look at themselves and see all the things they hate but when they look at other people who could have the same "flaws" and not see them at all.

meeeeh

silverbolt wrote: »

I have to agree with boneyarsebogman here. they are not labeling the OP. They re labeling themselves.

I'm not saying they are doing it intentionally or to insult op. But it's not considerate and it's not healthy and even when something isn't intended it can sting.

Jack B. Badd

beks101 wrote: »

They sound like diet bores tbh.

Sounds like this might be right. Dieting & exercise for weight loss is an everyday focus in your life if you're in the middle of it but you probably don't want to talk about at that point (because you don't feel you've achieved what you want yet). Then you hit your target weight & suddenly you can brag. So you do. And in the short term that's fine - it's an achievement, yes you do deserve a pat on the back, yay for you! However if it goes on long term it becomes boring for other people & you have to increase the intensity of comments to get the same feeling of accomplishment - hence, "omg I was a fat pig, look how far I've come!". Tbh it's the same as anyone who ****es on about themselves constantly.

Depending on how blunt you're happy to be with your friends, have you tried just telling them that it's great that they're happy about their weight loss but the constant talking about it is after getting boring now so maybe they could tone it back...?