Stay at home mother, getting depressed

LegacyUser

Hi all. I don't even know what my aim is writing this. All I know is I'm feeling very low at the moment. I've very little self esteem or self worth this past while and it's because I'm at home unemployed. My partner is working full time and because we are co-habiting, I'm not entitled to any social welfare. I've been looking for a job for months and nothing's happening, not getting interviews from the little opportunities that have arose in this rural area. I've a degree and would love to do some sort of masters or course to change career but have no money for it and I don't think I'd get any funding. I just don't know what to do with myself. I have friends, a great partner but I've no independence financially or away from the home. I look after the children, do housework but that's all I contribute. I rely on my partners wage for everything and I don't like it. Has anyone been in my situation? I don't know what answers I'm looking for, maybe just confirmation I'm not the only one. Thanks.

via4

Sorry to hear the situation your in atm. Maybe for now use the situation to your advantage. I know a lot of stay at home mums make things and sell them you can go at your own pace and those page and sell pages are great for advertising your little business. Make it fun. Join Pinterest they are tons of great ideas on there.

Rubberchikken

it is hard to rely on someone else's income but for the moment keep applying for jobs and see how things go.
would you be willing to get involved in anything volunteer-wise. it's a great way to make local contacts and it looks good on a cv but most importantly it will get you out and doing something beneficial.
good luck

Airyfairy12

My friend had to lie and tell social welfare that her and her partner split up and that she's living with her parents so she could get payments because they couldnt afford to live and support their kids just on his wages, now she gets the childrens allowance, lone parent and social welfare. I know its dishonest but they couldnt even rent a house, they where living in a room with 2 kids in her father's tiny 2 bedroom house, besides you cant be financially dependant on your partner, its not the 50's and as far as the people in the welfare office are concerned every case is black and white, they dont care about your situation so you might just have to lie if you want to get anything then maybe from there you can do a scheme or a course and work your way up.. Its really hard to get a job, even with a degree, you have to be connected to someone to get any sort of job these days, employers look after their friends first.

Can you do volunteer work? it might just result in a good reference and something to add to your CV.

pookie82

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

My friend had to lie and tell social welfare that her and her partner split up and that she's living with her parents so she could get payments because they couldnt afford to live and support their kids just on his wages, now she gets the childrens allowance, lone parent and social welfare. I know its dishonest but they couldnt even rent a house, they where living in a room with 2 kids in her father's tiny 2 bedroom house, besides you cant be financially dependant on your partner, its not the 50's and as far as the people in the welfare office are concerned every case is black and white, they dont care about your situation so you might just have to lie if you want to get anything then maybe from there you can do a scheme or a course and work your way up.. Its really hard to get a job, even with a degree, you have to be connected to someone to get any sort of job these days, employers look after their friends first.

Can you do volunteer work? it might just result in a good reference and something to add to your CV.

Eh, don't follow this advice, OP. It's fraud, pure and simple, no matter what the "justification", and makes a mockery of those couples who both go out to work to make ends meet without necessarily wanting to.

The part about "employers looking after their friends first" is also a complete fallacy.

dudara

Please do not advocate social welfare fraud on this forum

dudara

ted1

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

My friend had to lie and tell social welfare that her and her partner split up and that she's living with her parents so she could get payments because they couldnt afford to live and support their kids just on his wages, now she gets the childrens allowance, lone parent and social welfare. I know its dishonest but they couldnt even rent a house, they where living in a room with 2 kids in her father's tiny 2 bedroom house, besides you cant be financially dependant on your partner, its not the 50's and as far as the people in the welfare office are concerned every case is black and white, they dont care about your situation so you might just have to lie if you want to get anything then maybe from there you can do a scheme or a course and work your way up.. Its really hard to get a job, even with a degree, you have to be connected to someone to get any sort of job these days, employers look after their friends first.

Can you do volunteer work? it might just result in a good reference and something to add to your CV.

So you are saying that you can't be financially dependent on your partner , the parents of your kids? But you think it's fine to be dependant on the state and it's tax payers?

Up to the mid 2000s most families had only ine earner, it's only when the house prices **** up that the second partner worked.

I have three kids myself and my partner is a stay at home mum. Other than the children's allowance we get nothing from the state, pay our own mortgage etc. It's honestly not to hard to get a job with a degree.
It's only hard to get a job if you have a chip in your shoulder and expect people to give you hand outs and a job without making to much effort.

intheclouds

Dream_1289 wrote: »

Hi all. I don't even know what my aim is writing this. All I know is I'm feeling very low at the moment. I've very little self esteem or self worth this past while and it's because I'm at home unemployed. My partner is working full time and because we are co-habiting, I'm not entitled to any social welfare. I've been looking for a job for months and nothing's happening, not getting interviews from the little opportunities that have arose in this rural area. I've a degree and would love to do some sort of masters or course to change career but have no money for it and I don't think I'd get any funding. I just don't know what to do with myself. I have friends, a great partner but I've no independence financially or away from the home. I look after the children, do housework but that's all I contribute. I rely on my partners wage for everything and I don't like it. Has anyone been in my situation? I don't know what answers I'm looking for, maybe just confirmation I'm not the only one. Thanks.

Springboard have courses you could do that are free.

Besides your degree, do you have any work experience?

Maybe your CV needs a revamp? Can you get someone to cast a critical eye over it?

Theres also lots of free stuff you can do online on websites like Lynda.com or Coursera too.

And the internet has plenty of other free resources for things like learning computer languages etc...

Airyfairy12

ted1 wrote: »

So you are saying that you can't be financially dependent on your partner , the parents of your kids? But you think it's fine to be dependant on the state and it's tax payers?

Up to the mid 2000s most families had only ine earner, it's only when the house prices **** up that the second partner worked.

I have three kids myself and my partner is a stay at home mum. Other than the children's allowance we get nothing from the state, pay our own mortgage etc. It's honestly not to hard to get a job with a degree.
It's only hard to get a job if you have a chip in your shoulder and expect people to give you hand outs and a job without making to much effort.

I dont think its fine to abuse the system at all and im not saying it is. People who struggle to find work feel bad enough without being told theyre lazy or have a chip on their shoulder especially after theyve spent 3 or 4 years studying in the hopes that the education would open doors for them.
Just because you were lucky enough to find work doesnt mean everybody is, particularly in small towns and rural areas its especially hard to get a job. I was unemployed for 2 and a half years after my degree and it wasnt from lack of trying, every week I sent CV's, emailed places, rang places and I never got a single interview, I did a jobs course and was told I didnt need to be there as my cv was impressive and I had enough prove that I was looking for work (stacks of emailed job applications and rejection letters) when I know people in my town who got jobs in pubs, hotels and restaurants because their parents knew the owner.
You might not of had to experience it but its the reality for allot of people, particularly people in rural areas so you dont need to belittle people.
With the social welfare you can get onto schemes and courses which helps you to progress. My friends now a qualified beautician working from home because she was able to get funding for a PLC course.

Clearly the OP is feeling demoralised and depressed from not having her own independance, anybody would be. Its very easy for you to point the finger at long term unemployed people, judge them and jump to conclusions as to why theyre not working. Its a very demoralizing, sad and depressing situation to be in, you feel absolutely worthless. In my two years of unemployment I had thoughts of ending it all because you see no way out of your situation and judgment from people who dont know what theyre talking about only makes the situation worse.

And youre wrong about there only being one earner families up until the mid 2000's, I dont know where you lived but both my parents worked, all my family, neighbours and friends had two household earners, it was rare a kid in school or college would have a stay at home parent. Ridiculous comment.

ted1

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I dont think its fine to abuse the system at all and im not saying it is. People who struggle to find work feel bad enough without being told theyre lazy or have a chip on their shoulder especially after theyve spent 3 or 4 years studying in the hopes that the education would open doors for them.
Just because you were lucky enough to find work doesnt mean everybody is, particularly in small towns and rural areas its especially hard to get a job. I was unemployed for 2 and a half years after my degree and it wasnt from lack of trying, every week I sent CV's, emailed places, rang places and I never got a single interview, I did a jobs course and was told I didnt need to be there as my cv was impressive and I had enough prove that I was looking for work (stacks of emailed job applications and rejection letters) when I know people in my town who got jobs in pubs, hotels and restaurants because their parents knew the owner.
You might not of had to experience it but its the reality for allot of people, particularly people in rural areas so you dont need to belittle people.
With the social welfare you can get onto schemes and courses which helps you to progress. My friends now a qualified beautician working from home because she was able to get funding for a PLC course.

Clearly the OP is feeling demoralised and depressed from not having her own independance, anybody would be. Its very easy for you to point the finger at long term unemployed people, judge them and jump to conclusions as to why theyre not working. Its a very demoralizing, sad and depressing situation to be in, you feel absolutely worthless. In my two years of unemployment I had thoughts of ending it all because you see no way out of your situation and judgment from people who dont know what theyre talking about only makes the situation worse.

And youre wrong about there only being one earner families up until the mid 2000's, I dont know where you lived but both my parents worked, all my family, neighbours and friends had two household earners, it was rare a kid in school or college would have a stay at home parent. Ridiculous comment.

With all the CVs you sent out did you tailor them to the specific job and company and did you accompany them with a tailored cover letter ?

I lived in Dublin and stand by my comment about most families being single income

only about 26% of households with couples have 2 incomes: http://www.google.ie/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=10&ved=0ahUKEwifrvX437bPAhWNOsAKHZQRCUEQFghcMAk&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.socialinclusion.ie%2Fdocuments%2F2012-12-10_WorkAndPovertyReportWEB_FINAL_001.pdf&usg=AFQjCNFbuGsXL9eMT9MTeI5et1biQwJ5Ug&sig2=eJa_BF8o_f8SWkHvpgc10A&bvm=bv.134495766,d.ZGg

kirving

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

...you cant be financially dependant on your partner...

And she doens't want to be financially dependant on anyone else either, the point is that she wants to be financially independent. Which is great to hear to be honest, and more than can be said for plenty of people.

Another issue with what you've suggested is that it's illegal, and she will be have to pay it all back, and also fines if she was found out.

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Its really hard to get a job, even with a degree, you have to be connected to someone to get any sort of job these days, employers look after their friends first.

Can you do volunteer work? it might just result in a good reference and something to add to your CV.

I have to completely disagree with you there. I know plenty of people who got a job on their own merits. The thing is that it can and will take time for that to happen, and living in a rural area doens't help the time aspect.

The volunteer work is a great suggestion, and is a good way to get your work ethic noticed, especially in a small community.

Airyfairy12

ted1 wrote: »

With all the CVs you sent out did you tailor them to the specific job and company and did you accompany them with a tailored cover letter ?

I lived in Dublin and stand by my comment about most families being single income

I did actually not that it has anything to do with you, you'll find any reason to judge and criticise.

Do you know most families? Probably not many middle or lower class ones who couldnt survive on a one waged family, particularly in Dublin.

ted1

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I did actually not that it has anything to do with you, you'll find any reason to judge and criticise.

Do you know most families? Probably not many middle or lower class ones who couldnt survive on a one waged family, particularly in Dublin.

I know plenty of families but I do confess to not knowing as many as the CSO, which is why I linked to their report.
With the cost of childcare many people find it better to have 1 parent mind their kids.

seamus

"I look after the children, do housework but that's all I contribute."

If you were to put a money value on that, you're doing the job of a €50k a year live-in housekeeper/nanny. Don't undervalue the actual contributions that you do make at home. There are plenty of two-income families who would love to be able to drop one so that they had time at home to look after the kids and keep on top of the housework.

The grass is always greener and that

I do understand the need to feel like you're making a personal contribution though - housework and childminding will always be there regardless of how much money is coming in, and even being able to bring in an extra €200/week can make a big difference.

I agree with the rest that volunteer work is a good place to start. Even if it's just a local committee or group, having something which gives you work to do that's not childminding or housework can boost your motivation and self-esteem. It allows gives you actual experience and contacts that can assist in getting a paying job in future.

LegacyUser

Guys,thanks for your replies. I live far away from Dublin with little job opportunities for anyone. I do edit my cv to apply for jobs, but nothing. In this area, it seems a lot of jobs are already filled before being advertised. I do volunteer already. I have no chip on my shoulder and will apply to any Job that suits. I can't bring myself to lie to social welfare. I've worked there in the past and know it's not a good idea. In regards to springboard, i think you have to be on social welfare to avail of the courses offered. I assume it's the same with FAS/SOLAS.

intheclouds

Originalposter1289 wrote: »

In regards to springboard, i think you have to be on social welfare to avail of the courses offered. I assume it's the same with FAS/SOLAS.

No you dont. Thats why I suggested them. A mate of mine is doing one part time while she is working - its data analytics with dbs.

LegacyUser

Thanks intheclouds. I tried to apply before and they needed proof of social welfare. Plus it said on the website you can apply if not claiming but were previously self employed, which isn't me. I'll maybe ring them and see but from the site, I can't see my eligibility.

intheclouds

Dream_1289 wrote: »

Thanks intheclouds. I tried to apply before and they needed proof of social welfare. Plus it said on the website you can apply if not claiming but were previously self employed, which isn't me. I'll maybe ring them and see but from the site, I can't see my eligibility.

Yeah they used to have tighter eligibility alright. 2 people in my job have done one part time, both working full time, and it was free. I only just realised it was a girl in work told the other friend about it.

implausible

Dream_1289 wrote:

I've a degree and would love to do some sort of masters or course to change career but have no money for it and I don't think I'd get any funding.

It may not be as expensive as you think. Depending on the area, you might be able to do a postgrad part-time and pay per module. If it's done online or partially online, you won't have to worry about travel expenses etc and your partner might be able to claim tax back on the fees. Try the Open University and don't forget about colleges in the North.

Try your local adult guidance service, they can be a mine of information, not just for those who are unemployed. Your local ETB will run courses in areas from accounting technician to special needs assisting and their courses tend to be a hell of a lot cheaper than private providers. It may be a step down on the framework of qualifications (usually level 5 or 6), but could be the change of direction you need and improve your employability.

In the meantime, try not to get stuck in a rut in the house - volunteering, mother and baby groups, couch to 5k groups are all options even in rural areas. Sometimes getting out of the house helps you to see the value of what you do in it.

Galadriel

Dream_1289 wrote: »

Thanks intheclouds. I tried to apply before and they needed proof of social welfare. Plus it said on the website you can apply if not claiming but were previously self employed, which isn't me. I'll maybe ring them and see but from the site, I can't see my eligibility.

My boyfriend is doing one of those courses, he does not get social welfare because I am working but he does sign on once a year, so maybe you need to start signing on?

Have you considered doing some child minding in your home, or even an after school service for a few hours if your own kids are school age and you don't want to be minding other kids all day.

You can earn a certain amount of money tax free and you wouldn't need any child minding for your own kids which might cost you more than you were earning if you got a job somewhere.

Sleepy

Was just about to suggest the same. Mrs Sleepy works as a child-minder as, while the money isn't amazing, it's significantly more than we'd be left with after paying for childcare for our own two. It's also tax-free up to 10k. Some good info on getting registered etc. here: http://www.childminding.ie/childminding/new-to-childminding/

If yourself and your partner are considering it already, getting married would allow him to claim your tax credits too which can be worth in the region of €3,500 a year if he's in the higher tax bracket..