Social Anxiety - workplace

stressed70

I'm looking for some advice for anyone who suffers from social anxiety.

It's very tough sometimes especially in the workplace.

How do deal with it? eg working in a shop

Having to deal with customers, the till etc. What do you do if people
laugh at you, shake there heads etc

Gremlinertia

Check out the anxiety and depression thread plus the sticky at the top of the forum for resources, anxiety is so overlooked yet such a pervasive problem. I can only really face the public if I'm in a working role..

eviltwin

Step Out Ireland might be able to help.

stressed70

Sorry wrong thread. Can i get this moved to anxiety and depression thread please

WK_Hypercharge

Nothing wrong with you starting your own thread on Social Anxiety - its a complex issue and many people suffer from it. Its starting to get more recognition (I heard it discussed on newstalk radio last week). Its massive in ireland.

Social anxiety is debilitating and it took a long time for you (and me!) to learn this negative way of viewing the world. The physical symptoms are driven by the automatic fear system and conditioned on earlier life experiences - maybe you have learned to expect criticism and judgement from others (maybe even rejection) as when you were growing up and/or a teenager important people in your life (family, teachers, peer group) were critical of you and you felt humiliated and ashamed. This seems to be common based on what I have read.

People adapt to these extremely unpleasant emotions by blaming themselves and becoming highly sensitive to the opinions of others in an effort to predict and avoid repeat occurrences of these feelings (this strategy does not work in real life particularly in a work environment, disagreement/criticism is unavoidable). When people shake their heads at you or you detect a slight change their facial expressions the amygdala kicks in quick as a flash, assumes its really bad and sends out the danger signals- que the sweating and speech problems and general feelings smallness/shame. Its a nasty feeling.

How do you deal with it? Maybe try to change your relationship with the condition. Easier said than done. I have had this for 20 years and unfortunately there is no silver bullet despite all the CBT claims of sorting you out in 10 sessions. Its a part of who you are as you learn it early on IMO.

Firstly let go any self blame - you have not done anything wrong. Its ok to be awkward, it doesn't make you a bad person. Have some compassion for yourself.

Secondly - There are loads of people who have similar issues (10%). 1 in 10 people you meet will be as socially anxious as you so you have allies out there. Try to figure out who they are.

I find this good to think about this when the symptoms hit - There are many people who are well disposed and tend to trust people who are honest with their feelings. The fact you embarrass easily sends signals to other people that you care about what they think and value their opinion. This is seen as a positive by those with a level of emotional intelligence. People with good emotional intelligence instinctively know what your social nervousness means to the interaction provided your honest. If you suppress this level of honesty by acting in a manner that denies who you are it sends confused signals. People may even think you are rude even though that is the last think you want them to think. You put this forward by avoiding them, not attempting to make conversation (even poorly), no eye contact all in an effort to avoid the anxiety and mortification. I have tried to get in the habit of risking a bit of embarrassment even though I may come across as nervous and the symptoms will be obvious. SMILE! Its amazing the power of smiling.

I read the reason why humans blush and feel shame is to send a powerful signal to the tribe (who they depend on for survival) that they are sorry for their shortcomings, value the community and want to be included. Ironically, its there to strengthen social bonds not cut them off. Think embarrass easily = trustworthy/loyal

Its like when I see a nervous person getting up to make a presentation - I want them to succeed and I would do whatever I could to make them feel at ease. I would hope the feeling is mutual. Most people are compassionate this way. It may not seem it in life with all the bravado on display but its there.

Lastly - there are always those out there who you will not get on with.
Also, there are people out there who are very negative (critical, manipulative ,whatever). They will bring you down and reinforce the social fears - figure out who they might be and avoid. I think its better to gravitate to the positive people. I had to ditch a mate i was friends with for years because I finally came to understand they were undermining me and stressing me out.

I hope this helps and work goes better for you in the future.

stressed70

What is you're job Gremlinertia? If you don't mind me asking

stressed70

Thank you for you're reply WK_Hypercharge
Did CBT help you? I've had a couple of sessions but now i'm just working through books on my own.
You're right. My whole life i have been criticized, judged laughed at at school but mostly by my family. One member in particular.
She still does it to this day & she's now in her 30s. I don't understand why.
I guess she's knows it gets to me so will continue to do it.

I've been trying my best to move forward in life and to avoid her. I think i'm doing ok but work is an issue.

I can't seem to handle a certain type of person. People in authority, negativity, bossy, confident people. I just shrink.
I can't keep trying to avoid these people cause they are everywhere.
They have laughed in my face when i stuttered & they could see i was very nervous. Told others that 'i am scared of my own shadow'.

It's taking me a long time to actually get out into the workplace. Now i'm there i wonder is there a certain type of job to suit people like me?
I'm trying to push myself & just get out there but feel like i'm only embarassing myself each time.

However i need to work. I need to be able to handle people like this. I just don't know how?

WK_Hypercharge

The work environment is a very difficult one to deal with if you have social phobia - I can really relate to what you are describing. Its very hurtful when people draw attention to and belittle your fear. They simply do not understand what you are going through and the hurt they are inflicting. Try not to take this to heart as they do not fully grasp whats going on with you.

I don't use CBT myself but I am familiar with how it works. I use a longer term psychotherapy (psycho-dynamic) that goes a good bit deeper. I think CBT is probably good bang for buck as it is very practical and targeted (to particular situational fears you may have) and not everyone has the time or financial position to see a therapist every week for possibly a couple of years. Some may even think that time scale is ridiculous but my thinking is that people with this type of problem have spent such a long time reinforcing it until it is completely ingrained. It takes a long time to rewire the neurons though interaction with a trained human being.

I think CBT is probably very good for getting people functional again. Say a person is very isolated and has problems with interacting with people for important things that they need to live e.g. buying food in the supermarket etc, gradual exposure therapy with CBT is very effective. Achieving these simple goals can help build confidence and may even transform their lives.

But - I think it may have its limits when dealing with the core issue of Social Anxiety - i.e Shame. Possibly not everyone will link the condition to this emotion straight away as they just feel that anxiety in social interaction is the way they are and assume they were just born that way. My view on it is that all the issues that social anxiety seems to come with (e.g. intense anxiety, fear, obsessive thinking, rumination, relentless self criticism, depression etc.) are all driven by too much of this very basic emotion. Shame is the source and for socially anxiety sufferers excessive amounts of shame has caused havoc for years.

I think dealing with Shame requires that we develop a better sense of Self and to learn to see ourselves positively. Self Esteem is crucial. For blokes shame causes aggression and anger - which then leads to shame and so on.... For women feeling shame leads to shame about being ashamed and so on. People hate themselves for being "weak" and this internal critic is merciless and it destroys confidence. That negative internal dialog has to change, its the only way to truly conquer it.

Some of things I have learned:
- People are not as preoccupied with me as I am with myself. They may observe that I am nervous and think it is unusual (they may even comment on it), but then they go off and completely forget about me. They are far more concerned about there own issues.
- Even if people draw attention to me and shame me (as you describe in your work interaction above), it does not mean they dislike me. They are just perplexed by it and they may enjoy making me feel uncomfortable but as i said above, its hard to dislike someone who shows embarrassment as it is much more preferable to dislike someone who is a complete a$$hole. People see your embarrassment as an oddity, a quirk of personality, not a deep personal flaw.

In order to build a sense of positivity toward ourselves, I think we need to look for ways to add dimension to our lives. What are you really interested in? Invest in those interests and try to find some like minded people. Take a few risks in this department. Its much easier to get on with people with something in common. If you develop these things purely for yourself I think it does help a lot.

Its probably not that the embarrassment and self consciousness will suddenly go away and you'll be super smooth with people - its that when it does occur it simply does not bother you as much and you don't beat yourself up about it. You carry on doing things you need to do (i.e. work) or the things you like to do (interests) with people who don't really mind if you get embarrassed or not.

stressed70

Thanks a million you make some very good points. I do think (i maybe wrong it is my first job) that people maybe gossip more when you're working in a small office. I guess they speak about most people but when i hear something said about me i take it too heart & feel they all hate me.

I suppose i don't feel good about myself & wish i was more confident etc. Thoughts keep going through my head about them saying nasty things about me. I'm doing my very best to stop this.

Icelandicseige

stressed70 wrote: »

Thanks a million you make some very good points. I do think (i maybe wrong it is my first job) that people maybe gossip more when you're working in a small office. I guess they speak about most people but when i hear something said about me i take it too heart & feel they all hate me.

I suppose i don't feel good about myself & wish i was more confident etc. Thoughts keep going through my head about them saying nasty things about me. I'm doing my very best to stop this.

I'm exactly the same. I can't stand when people gossip and I often feel paranoid when walking towards a group of people thinking they are talking about me.

I too suffer with social anxiety. Keeping and sustaining relationships is my problem. Between my SA and my sense of humour I am often picked up wrong or for some reason anywhere I have worked I have always been picked on or belittled by one person or another. At the minute I'm jobless because of that. I have had many jobs all resulting in me getting fed up of being bullied and walking away. I do not know how to fix this problem. I love working but I can't seem to hold down work. When I'm not working I start to get depressed but have not much anxiety because I don't have to deal with people. When I'm working my anxiety hits the roof but I am not depressed. I don't know what to do anymore and can't see away around this problem. I have tried many many times.
It has made me pick a career in farming so I don't have to deal with people on the daily. And although I suppose I am lucky that I have that option and I enjoy it somewhat it means I'm not reaching my full potential of what I could be. Maybe 1 day (hopefully ) I will grow out of it

stressed70

I know exactly what you're talking about Icelandicseige. Some people can accuse you of being lazy etc too i have noticed. They just do not understand.

''anywhere I have worked I have always been picked on or belittled by one person or another''

That's the thing, i feel people like us are such easy targets to people like that. There seems to be no way out of it other than put up with it or walk away. It sucks!!

Icelandicseige

stressed70 wrote: »

I know exactly what you're talking about Icelandicseige. Some people can accuse you of being lazy etc too i have noticed. They just do not understand.

''anywhere I have worked I have always been picked on or belittled by one person or another''

That's the thing, i feel people like us are such easy targets to people like that. There seems to be no way out of it other than put up with it or walk away. It sucks!!

As long as ye never give up and keep going back to the workplace to try again is what I plan on doing.

stressed70

I try my best. It's very embarrassing.

What type of jobs have you done before farming? if you don't mind me asking

Icelandicseige

stressed70 wrote: »

I try my best. It's very embarrassing.

What type of jobs have you done before farming? if you don't mind me asking

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