I have no real friends

LegacyUser

I'm not sure whats wrong with me but ive never had any real friends, I made two friends in college, one dropped out and we lost touch, the other graduated when I was finished 2nd year, we stayed in touch but her attitude changed and now she only contacts me to gloat about her life and to judge mine. There was another girl who id hang out with but she spread horrible rumours about me and treated me like crap so I dont speak to her anymore. I tried making friends with people in my class but everyone was so cliquey, I didnt fit in.
I was friends with a girl from secondary school up until our early 20's but she kept putting me down, spreading rumours and telling lies about me so I stopped speaking to her, another girl I was friends with only uses me as a personal counsellor, i'll listen to her problems for about an hour then try to change the subject but when I do she sits in silence barely responding and turns the conversation back onto herself, ive distanced myself from her too. Ive one other friend who I only see every month or so, we'll talk about whats going on with her then as soon as I try to talk about something else she takes out her phone and starts playing with it and hardly listens to me, she lets me down every time I ask her to do anything, even on my birthday everyone let me down.
Anyone whose tried to 'befriend' me has always been men looking for sex or relationships and when they dont get it they become really nasty or they become possessive.
I was bullied all through school and just never seem to fit in anywhere.
It didnt bother as much until a few years ago I dated this guy on and off for about two years and I saw how active his social life was, everyone wanted to be around him and he always had plans with different groups of people and all of his friends did things together all of the time. He was quite abusive towards me and would always point out the fact that ive got no friends and put me down because of it. It really made me realise how much im missing out.
I care allot about people, I always listen to them and respond but I feel like there should be some give and take, ive suggested to people to hangout but im always let down by them, ive done courses, volunteer work but I never even made acquaintances, ive been in therapy to try work through it but it didnt help...im not pushy with people or desperate, im a little reserved but so are lots of people, I just dont know whats wrong with me and why im unable to make connections with people?!

LegacyUser

Hey,

I read your whole post, and I can relate to it a lot myself. I'm not exactly sure what the reason behind your problem making friends is, but I would theorise that it is down to a few possible factors:

(1) Bad luck - simply that life circumstances have made it so that it made it harder to make friends when you were younger (eg family issues/dynamics, mental health issues, moving a lot, friends moving away etc) , or that you bumped into the wrong people. This is a hard one as it can be hard to differentiate bad luck from things that you have done wrong or could have done differently - but I wouldn't dismiss it as it can be a factor in people's lives and their issues. Once you get off to a bad start it can be hard to pick yourself up from that.

(2)Low self esteem - you seem to attract people who put you down and don't care about you, and put up with that for a substantial amount of time. A lot of time people can subconsiously pick up on low self esteem from a person, and subsequently can treat that other person badly, as they don't respect them as much as they would someone who emanates an inherent sense of self worth. Again this is tricky, but to 'solve' this entails a lot of soul searching and discussion of your past, probably with a skilled therapist.

(3)Low confidence- if you have it in your head that you're not as good at making friends as other people, or you're not someone who is worth befriending, then other people may be able to pick up on that subconsciously. Do you start conversations with people you don't know, do look people in the eyes, have good posture, are you able to make small talk, make little jokes etc? Even if you're reserved (and it's totally ok to be quiet and reserved), being able to make small talk with anyone you meet, and subsequently get them to talk about themselves and share things with them is a very valuable life skill to have. It is a skill, that can be learnt by anyone. (http://www.succeedsocially.com/ is a decent site for tips to make small talk).

You sound like a very nice person, and I'm sorry that life has been hard for you so far, as it does sound like you've made an effort to make friends. It's a really complicated issue but if I were you, I would try and break it down and try to solve whatever the problem is in small steps.

I would guess that the bullying in school really damaged your confidence and self worth, and it is made you more wary towards people in general, hindering your ability to get to know others. The thing is, you may have a conversation with maybe 50 people, making small talk, chatting away about this and that, but of those 50 people you could only become friends with one of them. So the more people you talk with, the more chance you have of making a connection, however small or large that may be.

I hope this helps in some way, do rest assured that you're not alone with this issue. It's not really spoken about, as there is a taboo about being lonely and friendless. But a lot of people suffer in the way you describe (myself included).

sarahbillie

Hey,
I think the user 'Canrelate' gave a really good response. It actually may be that they aren't any people near you in college or work that you would connect with and that isn't your fault. One thing I would say is that when trying to meet new people I always take people for who they are and even if they don't have similar interests to me I still try to get to know them. You may end up liking them a lot the more you get to know them.
When you feel isolated your self-esteem and self-confidence plummets so I know you must feel really down about yourself, I feel like this myself. However, you have to be yourself, that's the most important thing. You have to show the people you meet that you like who you are and you're willing to put yourself out there. I know it's the last thing you want to do but when you start doing that, that's when you'll start meeting people that you have loads in common with and that you'll have a really good connection. People love to see other people being themselves, it really attracts the people you want towards you. Even if at first you're faking and pretending eventually you get used to being yourself and you begin to like yourself again.
Don't be so hard on yourself. People are always going to have great stories to tell you about their social life because why would they tell a stranger a bad story that happened to them, it's not something that's attractive and people just don't do that. I'm sure you have many great qualities, focus on those and not the whole 'I don't have any friends I'm such a loser thing'. I don't have any close friends either and judging by what I've found out through other forums there's quite a lot of others out there who are in the same boat.
Hope you're feeling better. I know it's hard but things really can get better. Keep posting if you want anymore advice.