New Job, there's a woman, and I don't know what to do

dara_con

Hi all,

Would appreciate some help on this topic.

Started a new office job in Dublin. Its been a week. A large number of us were hired at the same time and are being trained over the coming months before being allocated a role. One of the many people I've met is one girl in particular. I've taken a fancy to her. The issue is, well, I have no f****** idea what I should or shouldn't do. I've spoken to her a bit. But everything we talk about is just general chit chat, what we're doing that day for training, what we thought of yesterday's training etc. Spent break with her and two others today, it's rare if the two of us get a chance to speak on our own because of our large group.

I'm terrible at reading signals and have no idea if she's interested. Am also worried if I don't do anything for too long, I might get "friend-zoned" as it were called.

For the record, I've been told I'm a good-looking guy. Don't normally have high confidence (lately it has been on the up). Never had a proper girlfriend for any extended period of time. I have little to no experience in these kinds of situations.

I was told to keep eye contact when speaking to her so I did that today.

Any other help is greatly appreciated.

daisybelle2008

Hold your horses, you are only in the job a few days. Leave the romance aside for the moment, you haven't joined a dating agency. Priority should be training in your new role and getting your bearings in your new work environment.
For many reasons, mainly you barely know her, just be friendly and professional for now.
You'll have plenty of time to get to know her better and see if you are compatible outside work. You are completely jumping the gun being worried about getting 'friendzoned'! Avoid the proverbial 'sh*tting on your own doorstep' for now. Things may develop or not (you might not even fancy her in a few weeks time) but park it for now.

Lavinia

Similar but the opposite situation, I'm in my new and great job for about 2 months now. And yes, there is a guy, who i really like. He may not be attractive in some playboy way but something in him just hits my buttons.
I am doing nothing about it if course. I am trying to cool it of as much as possible.
As the previous poster said, not a dating site and plenty of time.
So we are joking in the team and laugh a lot and i leave it there.
Repeating to myself he is a colleague I have a luck to work with.
Not easiest but gets easier with time.
Surprised after all this time i still like him and enjoy his company. So, life is good and i would not risk it in any way.
I think it's the best not to mix romance with work.

silverbolt

dara_con wrote: »

Hi all,

Would appreciate some help on this topic.

Started a new office job in Dublin. Its been a week. A large number of us were hired at the same time and are being trained over the coming months before being allocated a role. One of the many people I've met is one girl in particular. I've taken a fancy to her. The issue is, well, I have no f****** idea what I should or shouldn't do. I've spoken to her a bit. But everything we talk about is just general chit chat, what we're doing that day for training, what we thought of yesterday's training etc. Spent break with her and two others today, it's rare if the two of us get a chance to speak on our own because of our large group.

I'm terrible at reading signals and have no idea if she's interested. I feel like a child saying this, but this is the closest thing to flirting that I have noticed: she grabbed my arm last week (trainees were asked to do certain tasks, everyone was attempting to avoid the worst tasks, I teased her telling her to put up her hand for one of the bad ones, she went and grabbed mine and tried to put it in the air so I would be selected). Am also worried if I don't do anything for too long, I might get "friend-zoned" as it were called.

For the record, I've been told I'm a good-looking guy. Don't normally have high confidence (lately it has been on the up). Never had a proper girlfriend for any extended period of time. I have little to no experience in these kinds of situations.

I was told to keep eye contact when speaking to her so I did that today.

Any other help is greatly appreciated.

First off no such thing.

Secondly, youve just started a new job and youre looking at dating a co worker.

Hold your horses and relax lad. Office romances can get awful sticky awful quick. Concentrate on making sure this job plays out before looking to make a move.

seachto7

Focus on your job and forget about the women! The infatuation/novelty/fad will fade after a few weeks. There are 1000s of single women in Dublin. What happens if you date and things go bad?

Ursus Horribilis

Have you ever heard the phrase "Don't get your honey where you make your money"? Be very careful about mixing work and your love life. It's great when these things work out but if they don't, you can be left in an awkward position. I know someone who ended up changing jobs after his romance with a co-worker went sour. In other words, be very careful about getting involved with colleagues. Especially if you're only in the door and are just getting started in your career.

robbiezero

dara_con wrote: »

Hi all,

Would appreciate some help on this topic.

Started a new office job in Dublin. Its been a week. A large number of us were hired at the same time and are being trained over the coming months before being allocated a role. One of the many people I've met is one girl in particular. I've taken a fancy to her. The issue is, well, I have no f****** idea what I should or shouldn't do. I've spoken to her a bit. But everything we talk about is just general chit chat, what we're doing that day for training, what we thought of yesterday's training etc. Spent break with her and two others today, it's rare if the two of us get a chance to speak on our own because of our large group.

I'm terrible at reading signals and have no idea if she's interested. I feel like a child saying this, but this is the closest thing to flirting that I have noticed: she grabbed my arm last week (trainees were asked to do certain tasks, everyone was attempting to avoid the worst tasks, I teased her telling her to put up her hand for one of the bad ones, she went and grabbed mine and tried to put it in the air so I would be selected). Am also worried if I don't do anything for too long, I might get "friend-zoned" as it were called.

For the record, I've been told I'm a good-looking guy. Don't normally have high confidence (lately it has been on the up). Never had a proper girlfriend for any extended period of time. I have little to no experience in these kinds of situations.

I was told to keep eye contact when speaking to her so I did that today.

Any other help is greatly appreciated.

Wouldn't read anything into that.

Bandana boy

Ask her out for a drink the Friday of your first paycheck to celebrate ,this can be in a group but ideally just the two of you.Have some fun if she is interested she will let you know.

Passtheremote

Loads of people meet there partners at work. It's a perfectly respectable place to meet someone nice.

I'd be inclined to hold for the time being, and then use the tried and tested method of waiting until the Christmas party, have a few drinks and try and get with her! If she fancies you you'll know soon enough.

beks101

Passtheremote wrote: »

Loads of people meet there partners at work. It's a perfectly respectable place to meet someone nice.

True enough. Met mine at work, got together about a year and a half later at my leaving do.

If he'd made any sort of move towards me in the first few days or weeks of the job however, while I was working my butt off to make a good impression and trying to find my place amongst my colleagues, I'd have ran right for the door.

Starting a new job with all the new people and policies and politics is nerve wracking enough as it is without having to worry about a colleague making advances towards you or the notion of trying to hide an office romance.

OP - put on your professional hat and focus on the job at hand. Be friendly towards this woman, get comfortable around her and maybe see if ye get along that way and if you fall naturally into the same social group before you jump the gun. You'll do yourself no favours.

dara_con

Apologies for late reply, been having laptop trouble. I appreciate all the feedback.
I am well aware that the job is my main focus. I've worked hard for years to get where I am today. I should mention that once the training is over we will more than likely be each given full-time roles in different departments (and possibly in different parts of the country). That's going to happen around February. So my thought is that even though it's the same company it definitely won't be the same team/department. Am i wrong regarding this? Sh*tting on my own doorstep is something I was warned about.

I definitely won't do anything for the time being anyway.

A question regarding your statement beks101:

"if you fall naturally into the same social group before you jump the gun. You'll do yourself no favours."
Do you mean having the same social group of work friends is a bad idea?
As in, if the 2 of us end up having the same group of friends, that won't be good considering i'd like to be more than friends?

Thanks

beks101

dara_con wrote: »

A question regarding your statement beks101:

"if you fall naturally into the same social group before you jump the gun. You'll do yourself no favours."
Do you mean having the same social group of work friends is a bad idea?
As in, if the 2 of us end up having the same group of friends, that won't be good considering i'd like to be more than friends?

Thanks

Nope I meant the opposite actually, sorry if I wasn't clear. I meant be friendly and chatty and see if you end up gravitating towards each other and towards the same people, before you go ploughing in asking her out on a date. See if you get along as friends first.

Chances are she feels just as you do about work - has worked hard to get to this position, wants to train hard and make an impression and end up in the best possible role without jeopardising her reputation. Wants to be the hard worker as opposed to the "girl that's hooking up with X".

It would be a good thing if you ended up in the same social group - friends in common, comfortable around each other, compatible on many levels. Things may move organically from there. That's how things were with myself and my OH. We'd end up amongst the same group of colleagues on nights out and start chatting. Or go for coffee together with a group of people. Which eventually led to quiet chats together at the coffee dock, email exchanges, me inviting him to my leaving party etc...

I think work crushes are pretty common. But when I think back to the people I fancied at first when I started at my current company...holy god. A month in and I was laughing at myself. They were hot on first glance, but then proved themselves to be bloody annoying or arrogant or neurotic or completely devoid of personality or just NO on various different levels. Whereas the one relationship I've had from a work environment was a slow burn, familiarity and friendship first and a natural gravitation towards each other until we became an item. From my experience of office romances this is what I see a lot of the time.

dara_con

Thanks for the detailed reply. I know this was mentioned already, but getting into the same social group of friends from work....Is there not a danger of getting friend-zoned?

retro:electro

What is this friend zone crap? Some amicable territory where you are perpetually bound if you don't declare your feelings for a girl/boy within a few weeks? It's nonsence and it doesn't exist. I was friends with my boyfriend for two years before we got together, so is that reverse friend-zoning? I don't get it. Don't get too hung up on makey uppy terminology.

tara73

I don't get this 'friend zoned fear' either after the one week you know this girl.

It's only one week, you don't really know her, she don't really know you. Don't you want to give yourslef time to get to know her?
It's a very bad idea to declare feelings to her after this short time.
being in one group of friends, (or better: work colleagues who get on well) and go out after work is the best way to get to know someone. And if you'll be working in different parts of the country after the training you can still contact her and even ask her on a date.
It actually is a very good situation you are in: If things don't work out, you will not be working in the same room/building.

Ursus Horribilis

I was at a wedding recently of a couple who were friends before they got together...

Besides fancying this girl like mad, you don't know a thing about her. She might not be single in the first place. Or heterosexual.

Skibunny77

Friend-zoning is an absolute myth. There is either chemistry between two people or there isn't. Time doesn't change that.

dara_con

Ok thanks for all the opinions on the "friend zone".
I'll definitely be leaving it for now and seeing if there is chemistry between us. I'm curious to see if we will become mates or even if we have the same social group in work.

Thanks for all the help! Much appreciated!