mother-in-laws

janielane

Hi Girls,

just wondering if anyone out there has a disapproving mother-in-law?

Mine just does not like me, hates that her son is with someone. She can't accept that we are getting married. It is really hard as we are both trying to be nice to her. She doesn't want to attend the wedding and doesn't want us to invite any of her side of the family. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

baby and crumble

I'm lucky in that I get on very well with my prospective in-laws. But tbh if my MIL was at that malarky I'd just agree with her. Say that's fine if she doesn't want to come and that you'll of course abide by her wishes and invite none of the family.

It must be hard on your fiance though. Nobody wants to see their parents refuse to attend their wedding.

janielane

baby and crumble wrote: »

I'm lucky in that I get on very well with my prospective in-laws. But tbh if my MIL was at that malarky I'd just agree with her. Say that's fine if she doesn't want to come and that you'll of course abide by her wishes and invite none of the family.

It must be hard on your fiance though. Nobody wants to see their parents refuse to attend their wedding.

That is the bit that i really don't want to happen. We have never had a falling out, it is just pure jealousy and selfishness. He isn't allowed start his own life and that is sad. We are willing to include her in our life but she just wants to use him and not actually have a relationship with the both of us. I can't really just sit pretty and agree anymore because it is just a load of crap.

Delphinium

As the mother of an only child and MIL to his wife I cannot understand women who behave like this, though my own mother was no saint towards her daughter in law, but nice to my husband, her son in law. I have only good things to say about my daughter in law but if she was the most awful person she would still be my son's wife and I would treat her with great respect and love.
Perhaps there is another family member who may sing your praises and get her to see her ADULT son you in a different light. Otherwise just get on with your lives. Keep in touch and offer inclusion but do not give in. Invite who you want and let her decide. Is his father around and what is his opinion?

intheclouds

Invite whoever you want - she doesnt get to call the shots on who you invite to your own wedding.

If she doesnt want to go thats her own business. Dont beg or cajole, just get on with it.

You cant make someone like this happy so theres no point in even trying.

janielane

Delphinium wrote: »

As the mother of an only child and MIL to his wife I cannot understand women who behave like this, though my own mother was no saint towards her daughter in law, but nice to my husband, her son in law. I have only good things to say about my daughter in law but if she was the most awful person she would still be my son's wife and I would treat her with great respect and love.
Perhaps there is another family member who may sing your praises and get her to see her ADULT son you in a different light. Otherwise just get on with your lives. Keep in touch and offer inclusion but do not give in. Invite who you want and let her decide. Is his father around and what is his opinion?

nope, no father around. Only child to his single mother.

like you said I've seen my own mother treat her daughter-in-law with respect and welcomes her even though they aren't best friends. My mother would never dream of speaking to her the way I am spoken to, or ignored which is a regular occurrence, especially since we got engaged, I just don't exist.

baby and crumble

janielane wrote: »

nope, no father around. Only child to his single mother.

There's your real problem. In some messed up way you've stolen her man. I know, I know, but her whole life has been about bringing him up and having him with her and now you've swept in and she's scared you're going to take him away and she'll be left alone.

There's not much you can do about that kind of attitude, I've seen it loads from both sides.

GingerLily

This women is toxic, you need to understand that nothing you can do will ever make her happy.

I agree with the previous advice, invite who you want, invite her, and let her embarrass herself by acting like a child.

You poor thing, wishing you luck. Xxxx

Gatica

Why would you not invite his side of the family? They deserve to take part in the wedding if you want them there whether or not the MIL is being a child about it.
Invite who you want. If she still doesn't want to go to the wedding, that'll be her call. Your fiance will need to support you on this, if he lets her get away with it, then he's not helping the situation either. He needs to let her know the wedding is going ahead with or without her, but she's likely to regret missing it in the future. She can be part of his life with you or just not be in it, but he's the one that needs to make that clear to her.

Bacchus

Jeez, that's rough. I'd go along with the advice to plough ahead with your plans. Don't get sucked into any petty squabbles, don't lower yourself to any talking behind your back she may engage in. Just keep the high ground here, plan your wedding your way and keep an olive branch out there in case the time comes where she accepts this is happening and can either get onboard or get left behind.

Delphinium

Try making her part of the preparations. Ask advice on venue, dress etc and show interest in her opinion. If reaching out in this way doesn't work then stay polite and get on with your life. She is feeling afraid of the future so if you show her the positive side of not loosing a son but gaining a daughter she may come around

janielane

Thanks everyone for all your suggestions and support. It is really difficult as I feel like I care more for the future than my HTB. I have done all the above and nothing has really changed. We will go ahead and invite her family and as you said it will be her that will look bad not us. I just don't this to have an effect for the rest of our life, which i know it is going to.

December2012

Delphinium wrote: »

Try making her part of the preparations. Ask advice on venue, dress etc and show interest in her opinion. If reaching out in this way doesn't work then stay polite and get on with your life. She is feeling afraid of the future so if you show her the positive side of not loosing a son but gaining a daughter she may come around

I wouldn't ask her advice. This is your wedding. She is not nice to you. If you ask her advice you are inviting her opinion. If you don't take her advice it's likely she will get more bothered and offended.

Her son must talk to her, reassure her, be kind but be firm. If she won't accept it from him then there's nothing more you can do.

If she does accept it, then by all means involve her if she likes it, but not for opinions.

Has she met your family, do they know that she does not like you?

Electric Sheep

Your HTB needs to have your back on this one. Does he take your side against his mother, or does he allow her to behave badly to you and try to placate her?

If he does not take your side to his mother, you really need to reconsider whether you should marry this guy.

Mrs OBumble

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Your HTB needs to have your back on this one. Does he take your side against his mother, or does he allow her to behave badly to you and try to placate her?

If he does not take your side to his mother, you really need to reconsider whether you should marry this guy.

Totally agree. No way should he be allowing anyone to disrespect you, not even his mammy.

Either he grows some balls and makes her behave, or you need to either ditch him or decide that you are willing to have a miserable life.

Electric Sheep

baby and crumble wrote: »

There's your real problem. In some messed up way you've stolen her man. I know, I know, but her whole life has been about bringing him up and having him with her and now you've swept in and she's scared you're going to take him away and she'll be left alone.

There's not much you can do about that kind of attitude, I've seen it loads from both sides.

I knew someone like that too. She was widowed young, and made a surrogate husband out of her son. He escorted her everywhere - weddings, funerals, mass, any social function. He was not allowed to go to the pub (nothing else going on, rural area), theoretically because she was very against drink, but in practice because she was afraid he might meet a girl.

He died in his 40s having never been in a relationship or even on a date in his life.

Her daughter is now divorced, and does exactly the same thing to her son. Sad, really.

janielane

December2012 wrote: »

Delphinium wrote: »

Try making her part of the preparations. Ask advice on venue, dress etc and show interest in her opinion. If reaching out in this way doesn't work then stay polite and get on with your life. She is feeling afraid of the future so if you show her the positive side of not loosing a son but gaining a daughter she may come around

I wouldn't ask her advice. This is your wedding. She is not nice to you. If you ask her advice you are inviting her opinion. If you don't take her advice it's likely she will get more bothered and offended.

Her son must talk to her, reassure her, be kind but be firm. If she won't accept it from him then there's nothing more you can do.

If she does accept it, then by all means involve her if she likes it, but not for opinions.

Has she met your family, do they know that she does not like you?

I am very honest with my own mother so she knows everything and she knows what i s going on. My father has been very upset by everything but my mother says to ignore it.

Tbh she never does or says anything directly to me or about me to my OH but when she makes remarks he tells her whats what. sometimes its not as simple as out rightly calling me a bitch so it can be said we interpret things wrongly as I have an issue with her also.

GingerLily

What has she actually said / done to you in person?

hotmatottie10

invite her and his family. If she chooses not to come fine, but have that chair with her name on it at the wedding as she maybe one of those people who change her mind. And dont put her at the top table. If she shows up fine if she doesnt she is showing herself up by being petty and sly. You will have done the right thing by inviting her but making your own arrangements. Its both your day not hers. she can get over herself or not. All she has to do is show up or not.

janielane

GingerLily wrote: »

What has she actually said / done to you in person?

she has told her son I am a bad influence and I have changed him. She also keeps making suggestions that he will move back home and live with her soon enough. She has pointed out girls from their local area who would make great girlfriends for him. little digs about me and my family. the sort of questions that she asks me especially about my family, such as do they smoke/drink, they shouldn't be the first questions you should ask about your son's soon to be in-laws.We are healthy eaters but when we go visit she buys loads of junk and tells him I'll never know as if I am stopping him.

GingerLily

janielane wrote: »

GingerLily wrote: »

What has she actually said / done to you in person?

she has told her son I am a bad influence and I have changed him. She also keeps making suggestions that he will move back home and live with her soon enough. She has pointed out girls from their local area who would make great girlfriends for him. little digs about me and my family. the sort of questions that she asks me especially about my family, such as do they smoke/drink, they shouldn't be the first questions you should ask about your son's soon to be in-laws.We are healthy eaters but when we go visit she buys loads of junk and tells him I'll never know as if I am stopping him.

I've read through this thread again and I can't see anywhere that you've mentioned your HTB standing up to her, why is he telling you all the unpleasant things she says? If he's letting her say these things unchallenged then he's encouraging her.