I don't want kids - am I wasting her time?

LegacyUser

I'd really appreciate some advice on this. I met a girl through a dating website and I've had three dates with her so far. I really like her, we get on great together and I could definitely see myself in a long term relationship with her. I'm 36 and she's 31.

I noticed on her dating profile she chose 'yes' to the question of do you want kids. I have to admit, I was dishonest and put 'undecided/open' to that question even though I'm almost certain I don't want kids. I guess I just didn't say 'no' because it seems to put a lot of women off (a few actually contacted me saying something to the effect of 'nice profile, pity you don't want kids though'). Now look, I know I did the wrong thing by not being honest from the start but here I am.

What I'm just wondering is, should I bring up this subject now and just be open with her? Of course if she asked me at any time about kids I would definitely tell her anyway, but should I talk about this the next time I see her?

I realise that (correct me if I'm wrong?) most women want kids but it's just not something that appeals to me at all. I realise we've only had 3 dates and it's still casual enough at the moment but I really like her and I suppose I just don't want to waste her time if that's what she wants eventually.

silverbolt

You realise that social expectations allow men to not want children but to vilify women who say they dont want them. so she could have lied as well

Bring it up in a conversation and see wehre you go from there. If it is a deal breaker (and tbf it is) then call it a day. but know exactly where you both stand first.

batmanrobin

It's only been three dates, but I would say talk to her because if she does want kids, then you really are wasting your time. Be very clear with her about the fact that you don't. Some people choose not to hear!

Also change your profile to "do not want kids". You say it puts women off, but it's only putting off those women who do want kids. The women who don't want kids will interact with you. You're gonna be wasting a lot of people's time otherwise, including your own.

njs030

Well if she wants them and you don't then it's unlikely you can have a relationship so yes it's something to mention. Better now while it's easier to walk away and no-one will get hurt.

There's a reason people aren't dating you when they see you don't want children, it's your choice not to want them but you're better off being upfront early on. It's not something that can be compromised on.

Engine No.9

The simple fact is, you've not indicated in your profile that you do want kids. You've left things very open and a constructive conversation can be had by it in the future.

One thing I will tell you to do.... Do not under any circumstances tell her that you'd like to start a family some day, just out of the fear of not having her around any more. I did that purely out of my own lack of self esteem and 10 years in we had 5 kids. Split up 5 years ago.

Just take it casually as it is for now and when the deep conversations start, be honest. I cannot stress enough how honest you need to be about this. Be honest with yourself, then be honest with her.

Smile111

It doesn't matter when you have the conversation but definitely do soon.I've had that conversation before dates and actually on a first date before. You need to be upfront about these things not to waste anyone's time.

I actually dated one guy before who said he didn't want kids.He lied about it and I wasn't best pleased.To be fair, We weren't really suited but I would have appreciated honesty.

When I go back to online dating in a while , I will again have I don't want kids on it. You should def put up do not want kids.
Women that don't want kids are happy to see that.

She's been misled by your profile and thinks you're on the same page on this issue.

Tell her very soon before she becomes emotionally invested otherwise you're continuing to mislead her, which is very unfair.

Lux23

If you're 31 and you want kids I think you have to get that conversation out of the way early on. I would tell her how you feel and see how she reacts to it, if it were me I would want to know sooner rather than later. And change your profile to "does not want kids".

SusanC10

I dated a guy who didn't want kids. I have always wanted kids and initially he said that he did do when it was mentioned and also when I brought it up about a year into our relationship. I continued to date him for another approx 18 months.

It turned out he never wanted them and it was a dealbreaker for me. I ended things. He has never had kids.

OP - I know it's early days but I would be honest with her. If she brings it up tell her the truth. I would even go as far as to say that you should bring it up and see where she stands on kids for definite and if she does really want them and you don't then tell her the truth. Oh and change your online profile.

kylith

I agree with everyone else: if you have lied to her about wanting kids then you are wasting her time. How is this even a question?!

I've been lied to about this in relationships twice and it makes me so angry to think of the years I have lost where I could have been looking for someone who did want them.

Tell her the truth and let her make up her own mind.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice folks. I just let her know and it looks like it's over. Just to clarify, I didn't say 'yes' to wanting kids on my profile, I said 'undecided/open', nevertheless I realise it's still not being honest. I have changed my profile now. Thanks for all the advice. I will really miss her as we got on really well, but as has been pointed out, better to get this out in the open now as it wouldn't be fair to prolong it.

Thanks everyone and I have learned a valuable lesson here.

Rekop dog

I'd wait for a few more dates to mention it to her, even if you both agree that kids aren't a huge deal to you both, it's adding a certain heaviness to proceedings after only 3 dates. I'd probably wait another few weeks maybe a month to whenever you decide to have an exclusivity chat if it gets to that point. Think that would be a more natural/ less contrived segue to bring it up, along with whatever other expectations you have for a relationship.

Don't think you're wasting too much of her time doing that, like if you met her offline you wouldn't have known she wanted kids and wouldn't bring it up this early.

eviltwin

What's the point in flogging a dead horse if you are both on different pages re kids? Tell her now before you both start to develop feelings for each other, it's going to be a lot more difficult then.

Rekop dog

eviltwin wrote: »

What's the point in flogging a dead horse if you are both on different pages re kids? Tell her now before you both start to develop feelings for each other, it's going to be a lot more difficult then.

Because early dating is meant to be fun and breezy, and discussing kids is anything but. It could be harmful to their potential relationship to talk about it at this point regardless of her views on children. Women didn't have big 'wants kids' signs in their heads before online dating and it would be seen as too soon to discuss such things after meeting them 3 times, so don't see OP doing too much wrong delaying it a little bit.

piglet74

Be honest,

While I'm not online dating at the moment, when I tried it, I skipped by men who wanted kids or who were undecided,

I dont want kids ( have one 18 year old and that's my lot) and I wouldn't want to date a man who did.

You are missing out on women who are more your type by misleading the ones who are less suited to you.

silverharp

you are on a dating website not "find me a spouse.com" and OP if you were dead serious about not having kids why not have a vasectomy? if you havnt maybe you just havnt made your mind up. Meeting the right woman might make you reconsider?

Dial Hard

silverharp wrote:

you are on a dating website not "find me a spouse.com" and OP if you were dead serious about not having kids why not have a vasectomy? if you havnt maybe you just havnt made your mind up. Meeting the right woman might make you reconsider?

There isn't a doctor in this country who'll perform a vasectomy on a single man with no kids.

Rekop dog

Rekop dog wrote: »

Because early dating is meant to be fun and breezy, and discussing kids is anything but.

There wouldn't be any need to discuss it in the early stage if the OP hadn't lied on his dating profile.

OP you've done the right thing. I'm guessing from your username you're 36 and if you're dating women your own age or thereabouts, it's a fairly important point to be clear on from the get-go.

Trust me, there are plenty of women out there who have no interest whatsoever in having kids.

cookiexx

Kinda surprised that you've reached 36 years of age knowing you don't want kids and haven't learned how to broach that with the women you date.

Lying on your dating profile (and yes that is what you're doing) is not acceptable. So what if it widens your margins, if the result is that you're attracting women with whom there'll be this issue again and again?

Change that immediately to "doesn't want kids" and find some subtle way of working it into the conversation the next time you see this woman. "So what's your plan for the next few years...what are you looking for...do you see yourself doing the marriage and family and babies thing.." etc

meeeeh

Rekop dog wrote: »

Because early dating is meant to be fun and breezy, and discussing kids is anything but.

Dating and expectations around it is a lot different for women at 31 than at 21.

Anyway OP I don't think much harm was done but there really is no point pretending. It seems to me you were just as hurt or even more than she was.

silverharp

Dial Hard wrote: »

There isn't a doctor in this country who'll perform a vasectomy on a single man with no kids.

seriously? wow I did not know that. You would think mid 30's is a reasonable age to have one's decision taken seriously

kylith

silverharp wrote: »

seriously? wow I did not know that. You would think mid 30's is a reasonable age to have one's decision taken seriously

Even if you have kids it's near impossible to get sterilised, for either gender. The thinking seems to be that your partner may die and you start a new relationship and want more children.

Eric Cartman

Dial Hard wrote: »

There isn't a doctor in this country who'll perform a vasectomy on a single man with no kids.

Thats what I thought. But My housemate is 26 , no kids , unmarried and got it done in a private clinic in dublin.

tara73

OP, just wanted to say well done in having the balls to tell her! Most people tend to 'lie' on dating profiles or leave things in the open. But the difference here is you realised it and then had the guts to talk to her about it. I guess there are many who don't and where it all ends in a complete mess.

I hope you'll find the right woman for you.

Telluric

I'm not sure where you got that info, Dial Hard, but an ex of mine had a vasectomy in Ireland when he was 31. For no reason other than he didn't want kids.

(it won't let me quote!)

OP, just tell her the truth. If you said you were open to it, she'll think you want kids. It doesn't have to be a big dramatic conversation, just make it clear that it's not for you.