Why are children so mean

Mzo1978

My son is 9 and he joined our local boys school after going elsewhere for two years. The boys in the class never really accepted him and he has been picked on since (now in 4th class) he's a softy and very gentle and the kind of boy who would tell you he loves you 10 times a day (unlike his little brother)
Over the past while he has been picking at himself, down the sides of his fingers, picked right through his thumb nail until it fell off but then it got worse and last week I attended my gp as he had picked a hole in his ear, a quick right down on his finger nail, and big massive sore/cut from nothing on his chin and he tried to pick his bcg mark off.
The doc said he is stressed and also maybe anxious we always knew he was an over thinking. He had a chat to our son who said he didn't even realise he was doing it. I tild the gp he was having particular issues with one child. we are going to get him an appointment with a professional who will teach him ways of managing his stress/anxiety other thank to hurt himself.
Has anyone ever had a child similar or could anyone give me advice on what I can do to help him or activities that I can do i feel so helpless as does his dad

Bells21

Mzo1978 wrote:

My son is 9 and he joined our local boys school after going elsewhere for two years. The boys in the class never really accepted him and he has been picked on since (now in 4th class) he's a softy and very gentle and the kind of boy who would tell you he loves you 10 times a day (unlike his little brother) Over the past while he has been picking at himself, down the sides of his fingers, picked right through his thumb nail until it fell off but then it got worse and last week I attended my gp as he had picked a hole in his ear, a quick right down on his finger nail, and big massive sore/cut from nothing on his chin and he tried to pick his bcg mark off. The doc said he is stressed and also maybe anxious we always knew he was an over thinking. He had a chat to our son who said he didn't even realise he was doing it. I tild the gp he was having particular issues with one child. we are going to get him an appointment with a professional who will teach him ways of managing his stress/anxiety other thank to hurt himself. Has anyone ever had a child similar or could anyone give me advice on what I can do to help him or activities that I can do i feel so helpless as does his dad

I'm sorry to hear your son is going through this. Have you been in contact with the school about the way he's treated by others?
I would certainly get a professional involved and I'm sure they will have plenty of tips and advice but in a mean time could you possibly look at encouraging him to write down his worries in a journal. It might be an easier way for him to share with you and his dad. Also could you look at stress balls etc to keep his hands occupied so instead of picking and hurting himself he has something else in his hand to squeeze etc absent mindedly.

byhookorbycrook

That's dreadful, have you made the school aware of all of this?

vicwatson

You must advise the school of this straight away, and am very sorry to here this, It'll all be ok.

josip

Sometimes schools can be slow do take any action but I'd expect that considering your GP's assessment they will act quickly.
At your first meeting with the school about this I would suggest agreeing a schedule of follow up meetings (weekly/fortnightly) to review progress/incidents.

Neyite

You also need to talk to the school about the bullying. It might seem low level but its now apparent how much its affecting your boy.

LegacyUser

Poor child.Definitely speak to the school and get a professional involved.Keep in regular contact with the school about it.

Dravokivich

You may be chasing symptoms coming out as stress and anxiety instead of dealing with the issues that lead to'em.

Make sure the school are aware of the bullying that's been occurring.

Mzo1978

I've been so tied up with making sure my son is OK I didn't get a chance centre to get back here until now whole the picking has stopped for a bit he was having a chat about his little brother today (he got hit by another boy in playschool) my 9 year old was very annoyed this happened but I said your brother is fine and remember the little one es are only 3 his reply was well you do the want people picking in him like they pick on me or he will hate going to school like I do. I'm really shocked he said that as I thought he enjoyed school. Why are a lot of his class picking on him is it because he arrived into the class only at first and didn't start with them. He told me one boy stood in the line and told him today everyone hates him son he has no friends as tears ran down his face. I'm going into the school tomorrow to sort it out and let them know what my gp said. My sons very bright and always gets good reports answer never had an issue but I feel this is charged him for the worst

Mzo1978

Dravokivich wrote: »

You may be chasing symptoms coming out as stress and anxiety instead of dealing with the issues that lead to'em.

Make sure the school are aware of the bullying that's been occurring.

Not sure I understand your comment chasing symptoms? Are you saying there might be something else other than the bullying causing the stress and anxiety

Dravokivich

Mzo1978 wrote: »

Not sure I understand your comment chasing symptoms? Are you saying there might be something else other than the bullying causing the stress and anxiety

Sorry, just had to re-read through your post to try and figure that out myself.

It was in regards to the following comment from you :

teach him ways of managing his stress/anxiety other than to hurt himself.

If all he see's is you trying to focus and manage the output of his issues, it's in affect just dealing with the symptoms. You've acknowledged that there's a problem, but your focus is on his actions resulting from it.

Reading your post before your reply to me, it reads that it's how he's perceiving it too. And now he's seeing it happen to his brother as well. Bullying happens for no clear reason what so ever. I'm not sure why you are surprised to hear he hates it there. It's all been about torture to him.

How has this been addressed by the school?

LegacyUser

Mzo1978 wrote: »

I've been so tied up with making sure my son is OK I didn't get a chance centre to get back here until now whole the picking has stopped for a bit he was having a chat about his little brother today (he got hit by another boy in playschool) my 9 year old was very annoyed this happened but I said your brother is fine and remember the little one es are only 3 his reply was well you do the want people picking in him like they pick on me or he will hate going to school like I do. I'm really shocked he said that as I thought he enjoyed school. Why are a lot of his class picking on him is it because he arrived into the class only at first and didn't start with them. He told me one boy stood in the line and told him today everyone hates him son he has no friends as tears ran down his face. I'm going into the school tomorrow to sort it out and let them know what my gp said. My sons very bright and always gets good reports answer never had an issue but I feel this is charged him for the worst

Definitely keep at the school.
You probably do need to teach him other ways to deal with his anxiety, but I think that will happen over time and as he gets older. However, that doesn't change the fact that he's in a bad situation and he needs help and it's out of his control, in the sense that he didn't create it. The school really need to kept repeatedly aware of this, because it's not right that a child of 9 should be this anxious about school.
I know I sound like I'm blaming the school entirely, but they really need to work with you on this.

Mzo1978

Dravokivich wrote: »

Sorry, just had to re-read through your post to try and figure that out myself.

It was in regards to the following comment from you :



If all he see's is you trying to focus and manage the output of his issues, it's in affect just dealing with the symptoms. You've acknowledged that there's a problem, but your focus is on his actions resulting from it.

Reading your post before your reply to me, it reads that it's how he's perceiving it too. And now he's seeing it happen to his brother as well. Bullying happens for no clear reason what so ever. I'm not sure why you are surprised to hear he hates it there. It's all been about torture to him.

How has this been addressed by the school?

OK. Now that he has told me most days are bad in school I know that's where the anxiety comes from. Before now he always loved school he's a great student parent teacher meetings are always good I've never had an issue with him school wise so that's why I was surprised he all of a sudden said that. He doesn't see himself as being bullied he says he is picked on we have been through it all telling him stick up for yourself, stay away from the mean kids etc etc he's not a hitter or mean so he will tell you straight out of it act like them I'm making them feel as bad as they make me feel and u do the want to do that because then they won't like me. Now we know it all stems from the bullying I will deal head on with that I should have mentioned that. It was the doctor that said he needed to find another way of dealing with how it manufested because he didn't realise he was doing it.

He had an incident before where he was being pushed constant he finally turned to push back and knocked the kids apple out of his hand my son ran the kid gave chase got two of his friends to hold my son down and he kicked him the school came down on those kids like a tonne of bricks that was before the summer it's not so much physical it's what the kids say to him. One of them said Monday u have no friends and no one likes you in front to of the whole class it's the second time that kid has said it and last year he got in trouble for it. I've been ringing the school all week so I'm going I today to follow it all up ice a letter from the gp who advised letting the board of management know

Dravokivich

Fair enough. Hope it works out for your son. I know of a lad who's parents had to switch the school their son was going to due to the harassment their son was getting.

You may want to think about how practical would that be.

How Strange

Schools have an anti bullying policy so the first thing to do is contact the principal and his teacher, tell them everything you know and request they initiate the policy.

It's good that he's seeing a professional to learn how to manage his stress as he's clearly in distress if he's harming himself without even realising it.

I personally don't see a benefit in moving your son again to another school as the likelihood of not assimilating would be quite high given that he'd be starting in 4th/5th class. Then he'd have that stress and further stress of a new school again 2 years later for post primary.

I've been listening to podcasts from newstalks child psychologist David Carey recently and bullying in schools, 3rd-4th class seems to be a critical year for it, and he's got great advice. I'd suggest you listen to some as it might help give you clarity on how to best deal with the situation. Bullying in primary school seems to be a very common issue for children and parents.

Mzo1978

How Strange wrote: »

Schools have an anti bullying policy so the first thing to do is contact the principal and his teacher, tell them everything you know and request they initiate the policy.

It's good that he's seeing a professional to learn how to manage his stress as he's clearly in distress if he's harming himself without even realising it.

I personally don't see a benefit in moving your son again to another school as the likelihood of not assimilating would be quite high given that he'd be starting in 4th/5th class. Then he'd have that stress and further stress of a new school again 2 years later for post primary.

I've been listening to podcasts from newstalks child psychologist David Carey recently and bullying in schools, 3rd-4th class seems to be a critical year for it, and he's got great advice. I'd suggest you listen to some as it might help give you clarity on how to best deal with the situation. Bullying in primary school seems to be a very common issue for children and parents.

I agree about not moving him. He's doing so well in his class work I think moving him would upset him more plusher will think he has done something. I did mention it to him before and he said he wouldn't like to move.

Il definitely look up those podcasts thank you for that. I've my school appointment tomorrow with his teacher and principal il be asking for their anti bullying policy along with their help