Interference in Wedding Plans

LegacyUser

Hi all, I was hoping for some advice re: my mothers interference in our wedding plans.

I'm getting married in 18 months to my beautiful gf who I love very much. She has the wedding pretty much all planned at this point with only a few of the minor details to be agreed. Given that the wedding planning is pretty much complete, it has naturally been a topic of conversation, particularly with my mother.

My mother has made quite a few comments re: the wedding preparations. Nothing nasty but just general stuff i.e. "oh you have to invite xyz, you were at her wedding", "oh I've never been to that place, sounds like it might be a bit uppity?", "you need to ask one of your brothers to be best man" etc.In particular, she seems to think we need to invite some additional aunts/uncles/cousins to not offend anyone. Now I let the stuff roll off my back, I'm well used to it and more than able to say "no, we're doing it this way for this reason". It does bother me the odd time but only at the time we're talking about it, I don't give it a second thought afterwards. I always put it down to "rural Irish mammy" syndrome.

My girlfriend on the other hand gets really stressed by it, to the point that it's putting a bit of strain on our relationship. She's a city girl and probably not as used to having a mother that gets overly involved in this sort of thing. On the one hand I understand her grievance, but on the other I'm very loyal to my mother and feel very uncomfortable if/when my gf gets annoyed by her. I've told my gf to just let me deal with my mother and her questons, which I have been doing, but my gf sometimes asks what was said and if I tell her mum said "xyz" she gets annoyed and it has the potential to get a little heated. She wants me now to nip it in the bud and tell mum to back-off (although to be a lot less blunt about it) but I'd really rather not confront my mother like that. I've always been clear to my mother as to our reasons for doing things a certain way and I'd rather just keep doing that. I'm thinking maybe I would just say nothing to my gf re: any of my mothers comments.

I'm really not sure what to do, I naturally understand why my gf would be annoyed by someone interfering in our plans but at the same time, in an ideal world, I wish she could allow it to wash over her and not be bothered by it.

Has anyone else any experience of this? Am I dealing with this situation in entirely the wrong way?

Rubberchikken

If your mum was always like this then there's probably nothing that will change it.
Also your gf might have to give a little. Getting upset over comments your mum makes is only making matters worse and tbh it's hardly a good start to your married life.
What will happen if/when kids came. Do either of them want to spend years bickering and fault finding?
It has to be tough to be in the middle, you love them both.
They also both love you, so could they reach some compromise?
Good luck

retro:electro

I'd be with your girlfriend on this one. Nothing more annoying than an overbearing mother in law asserting her opinion when it's not wanted during wedding planning. It's a stressful enough time as it is. You should have a word with your mam and just tell her ye have it sorted and are doing things the way ye like. Softly softly won't work, be assertive.

athtrasna

Are you paying for the wedding yourselves?

When your girlfriend asks you if your mother said anything about the wedding, why don't you just say no?

rainbowtrout

MayoMan1990 wrote: »

On the one hand I understand her grievance, but on the other I'm very loyal to my mother and feel very uncomfortable if/when my gf gets annoyed by her.

That maybe so, but you are marrying your girlfriend, and then she should be your first priority. I'd agree with others that you have been handling it pretty well, but maybe you do need to be a bit more blunt and just say 'that is a decision for myself and gf'

Down the line, if you have children, and your mother is around to visit, I'd imagine she will continue in this vein. I doubt your girlfriend will appreciate her parenting skills being criticised. Time to nip it in the bud.

Fakediamond

I dunno if I agree with other posters, if you're from a rural village, weddings are a political minefield, and your mother knows this only too well! While the couple can do what they like, of course, Mammy will be left to deal with the fallout if a neighbour or auntie is not invited.

As someone who moved to a village after years of city life, I can see it from both sides. While I don't always understand the subtle undercurrents at play in rural life, I know enough to know that these matters are important.

So while it is you and your girlfriend's big day, do take the time to try and explain your mothers position to your gf, I would see it not so much as interference, more as your mum understanding her audience. Anyway, it sounds like you already know this and are doing your best to steer a middle course, where both are happy with the outcome.

Congrats to you both and good luck!

LegacyUser

athtrasna wrote: »

Are you paying for the wedding yourselves?

We intend on paying for it ourselves but from the rumblings I've been hearing there will be a modest contribution from both sets of parents.


I understand what you are all saying I just would rather not confront my mother on the issue. Yes she can be quite commenty from time to time, sometimes I think she's trying to be funny and other times she's just unaware. She hasn't a nasty bone in her body but she can certainly be patronising and dismissive. In an ideal world, she'd say nothing but she's not wired that way. In another ideal world, my girlfriend would hear it and it won't bother her, but she's not wired that way either.

It's caused quite the row tonight, hence why I'm here asking advice. My mother was putting pressure on me to invite someone that had invited us to a wedding but I told her we didn't have space on the list and that we were actually looking to take people off the current list. She spent the next 15 minutes trying to convince me to invite this person for a variety of reasons (he is a cousin, he'll be offended, I was at his wedding, he is very close to my sister and he kids, etc.) but we have limited spaces and this person is in no way, shape or form in my life (there are plenty of people not being invited that I'd be much closer to). My mother can be very pre-occupied with family politics and saving face. Matters I could not give a flying fiddlers about. Eventually she relented and said "well it's your wedding, you'll do as you want" and left it at that.

Anyway, I stupidly mentioned the conversation to my gf and she got quite upset. I was definitely a bit dismissive of her annoyance ("why do you let it get to you", "don't stress about it", "who cares what she says", etc.) and this naturally made it much worse.

I think if anything else is said in future I'll just argue my case to my mother and say nothing to my gf. If any comments are made to my gf then I'll have to be a bit more forceful.

freshpopcorn

You can always listen to your mother but you don't have to agree with what she says just hear heat her out. Obviously if she goes totally over the top then she has to be told stop.
In my experience mammies suggestions can often be wright.

ShaShaBear

Unless your mother is forking out the cost for all of these extra people, she simply has no say in who goes. A friendly reminder by way of "Just wondering are you asking X?" is fine - you would be surprised the amount of important people you would forget to invite - but demanding people come because of social politics is not on.
Trust me when I say that mothers that start in this vein will continue in it. Your partner's mothering skills will be called into question next and whether or not you want to believe it, letting it "roll off" is a passive-aggressive way of siding with your mother at the end of the day

This thread has come up hundreds of times before. Usually its the girlfriend coming in to seek advice on the fact that her partner is totally ignoring how much her new MIL's comments are hurting her and he's constantly telling her to back off his mother. And the advice is usually what has already been said.

You are marrying her. Not your mother.

mailforkev

You're marrying your girlfriend not your mother.

If you're serious about your relationship with your girlfriend then it's time to put on the big boy trousers and remind your mother whose wedding it is.

deisemum

How you deal with this will be a good indicator on how the relationship between your mother and your future wife will probably be and sitting on the fence will only make things worse. Even though you say you're used to your mother and her ways and despite that conditioning and as you say she's getting "overly involved" her comments still bother you at times and blaming it on "rural Irish mammy" syndrome is only a cop out.

Unless your mother is paying for the wedding then she doesn't get to insist on who must be asked etc., and comments like the venue being a bit uppity is a criticism so no wonder your fiancee's pissed off to put it mildly, I think you've been handling it reasonably ok so far but think you should be a bit more firm with your mother that it's your fiancee and yourself that will make the decisions and you have things in hand, you don't have to be confrontational with your mother just firm.

You're very loyal to your mother which is admirable but you should be very loyal to your future wife too, she's probably picked up that you're putting your mother's feelings ahead of hers which is what's coming across from your post so she doubting that you'll have her back in the future when there will be conflict between the two women. Wedding are often a time of high tensions especially at the big day gets nearer so it's better to deal with this now to minimise tensions nearer the big day.

freedominacup

deisemum wrote: »

she's probably picked up that you're putting your mother's feelings ahead of hers which is what's coming across from your post so she doubting that you'll have her back in the future when there will be conflict between the two women.

There should be no doubt. If your mother hasn't realised it she needs to be made aware that there's no conflict. She's now a distant second in the event of a disagreement. You'll be backing your future wife in any conflict. End of. All that's at stake is an invite to weddings etc of people you don't want at yours.

LegacyUser

Ah now will you stand up and be a man. I've an overbearing mother in law and my oh doesn't notice it as he's used to her. As a result, I spend very little time in her company. Of course that's an issue for complaint too.

Why are you telling your fiancée all this? You are showing a lack of self awareness here too. Deal with your mother and leave your fiancée out of it. You know it stresses her so why are you telling her? All this crap from your mother is taking the good out of the wedding for her

Big Bag of Chips

Is there no space, or is there no budget? When I was getting married we made our list that we were sticking to, and allowed our parents add who they wanted, within reason, after that. They both probably added a maximum of 12 people. All in all, with refusals etc we didn't end up with that many more than we originally started out with. My parents made a fairly sizeable donation to the cost of the hotel. I think as your parents, the people who have supported you through your entire lives up to this point (and who will be making a "modest" contribution to your costs) that it is only right that you allow them to invite a few people.

They won't be inviting 50 each, or anything!!

Yes it's your day, but it is also a big day for your parents. So long as she doesn't interfere with the plans and the arrangements, I think there is no harm in allowing both sides of parents to invite a select few.

There were people at my wedding from my husband's side who I'd never met, and he hadn't seen for years. But these were relations of his parents who they were very close to, so to us it was a given that they would be invited. There was no question.

Edit: Your mother obviously doesn't get a say on the arrangements for the day, but could she not be given a "job". I know with my wedding there were a few things I gave my mother to do to involve her. I made the final decision of course, but she helped. Like, sourcing paper for the invitations/mass booklets (we printed them ourselves) finding a local place that did wedding favours, my Dad, ordered beautiful balloons from a friend of his for the reception room. I hadn't even thought of them! He of course asked me to go in and ok whatever he had picked. But if your mother could be made to feel someway involved, it might soften her a bit!

Your mother is being a bit overbearing, but your gf is being a bit precious too. And no matter what your mother says, even if she has a valid point, your gf will go against it now. And you're caught in the middle!

Yellow pack crisps

It is a conversation between you and your mother so leave it at that. Only if she directly speaks to your Fiancé should it become a problem. I know people might think that is not a good way to see it and everything should be shared but somethings between immediate family is just conversations and nothing more. You cant control what other people say or think all you can do is put your own thoughts to them and leave it at that. And in fairness to your Mother she is not being demanding about it more probably worried what people will say and regardless what people say some people put great worry into that even though i find it a bit silly. Your Fiancé seems a bit defensive about it all which would worry me but alas i believe wedding planning is very stressful so maybe just that. Also you speak very subdued about the planning of the wedding, did or do you have much much input into it? Are YOU completely happy with all the arrangements? Do you feel you can question things about the wedding?

Walter2016

I think you hit the nail on the head in the first post.

Your gf doesn't understand rural life where everyone talks to each other and about each other.

The wedding is your mother's social event of the year and she wants to "show off" in the nicest possible way.

Suggest to your gf to join the Facebook page OMGWACA (oh my God what a complete aisling) and it will in a very nice way introduce her to rural memmeh.

She'll realise that your mother needs to "interfere" even just a little.

Big Bag of Chips

I bet if you started telling your gf that your mother didn't say anything about the wedding, she'd probably be even more annoyed thinking your mother was sulking and deliberately ignoring the wedding because you're not giving her her way!!

As yellow pack crisps says, put it down to the stress of the wedding. Things can get a bit crazy!

freedominacup

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

It is a conversation between you and your mother so leave it at that. Only if she directly speaks to your Fiancé should it become a problem. I know people might think that is not a good way to see it and everything should be shared but somethings between immediate family is just conversations and nothing more. You cant control what other people say or think all you can do is put your own thoughts to them and leave it at that. And in fairness to your Mother she is not being demanding about it more probably worried what people will say and regardless what people say some people put great worry into that even though i find it a bit silly. Your Fiancé seems a bit defensive about it all which would worry me but alas i believe wedding planning is very stressful so maybe just that. Also you speak very subdued about the planning of the wedding, did or do you have much much input into it? Are YOU completely happy with all the arrangements? Do you feel you can question things about the wedding?

All the groom has to do is turn up on the right day at the right time.

freedominacup

Walter2016 wrote: »

I think you hit the nail on the head in the first post.

Your gf doesn't understand rural life where everyone talks to each other and about each other.

The wedding is your mother's social event of the year and she wants to "show off" in the nicest possible way.

Suggest to your gf to join the Facebook page OMGWACA (oh my God what a complete aisling) and it will in a very nice way introduce her to rural memmeh.

She'll realise that your mother needs to "interfere" even just a little.

His mother needs to back off. It's nothing to do with her. "Rural life" is a b.s. cop out to try to justify busybody interference. This from a farmer married to a farmers daughter from a neighbouring parish. Any compromise from the ops current plans will just lead to more problems. I speak from experience on this. Giving in to inviting X just means Y and Z now feel the have a reason to be making a fuss. Why would the op ever give half a fcuk if some randomer or some cousin they rarely if ever see is annoyed because they aren't invited. Not his problem and his mother needs to show a bit of cop on. If I was his fiance I wouldn't give him any leeway on this but for the record I wouldn't give his fiance any leeway if the shoe was on the other foot and her mother was sticking her oar in. There's only two of them in their relationship no one else matters or has any say.

Miaireland

ShaShaBear wrote:

Unless your mother is forking out the cost for all of these extra people, she simply has no say in who goes. A friendly reminder by way of "Just wondering are you asking X?" is fine - you would be surprised the amount of important people you would forget to invite - but demanding people come because of social politics is not on. Trust me when I say that mothers that start in this vein will continue in it. Your partner's mothering skills will be called into question next and whether or not you want to believe it, letting it "roll off" is a passive-aggressive way of siding with your mother at the end of the day

Op you do need to tell your mother to back off now. Trust me otherwise when you get married your mother will be butting in on many aspects of your life. You don't need to be harsh but you do need to be firm. The next time your mother starts commenting on inviting so and so to the wedding etc just say firmly to your mother no. Tell her you understand that she may not agree with you and your fiance decisions but that you expect her to respect them.

Look at it another way. How would you like it if your future mother in law constantly commented on you going out with your friends, the car you buy, your job etc.

This is the path your wife could suffer if you don't nip your mothers comment in the butt now.

LLMMLL

Your mother doesn't sound that bad to me and would be at the lower end of the interfering mammy scale.

Honestly, your gf sounds over sensitive to me. I don't get why you are telling her about mammys comments.

Teyla Emmagan

Yeah I would repeat nothing back if I were you. If you aren't willing to tell your Mam to can it you will just have to swallow it all yourself. There is no point annoying your fiance by repeating it.

woodchuck

LLMMLL wrote: »

Your mother doesn't sound that bad to me and would be at the lower end of the interfering mammy scale.

Honestly, your gf sounds over sensitive to me. I don't get why you are telling her about mammys comments.

I agree with this. She doesn't sound that bad at all. Weddings can be a social minefield, and she hasn't said anything that shouldn't be taken into consideration. It's up to you what you do with the advice though.

If it bothers your fiance that much, just stop telling her about the discussions you have with your mother!!

Yellow pack crisps

freedominacup wrote: »

Walter2016 wrote: »

I think you hit the nail on the head in the first post.

Your gf doesn't understand rural life where everyone talks to each other and about each other.

The wedding is your mother's social event of the year and she wants to "show off" in the nicest possible way.

Suggest to your gf to join the Facebook page OMGWACA (oh my God what a complete aisling) and it will in a very nice way introduce her to rural memmeh.

She'll realise that your mother needs to "interfere" even just a little.

His mother needs to back off. It's nothing to do with her. "Rural life" is a b.s. cop out to try to justify busybody interference. This from a farmer married to a farmers daughter from a neighbouring parish. Any compromise from the ops current plans will just lead to more problems. I speak from experience on this. Giving in to inviting X just means Y and Z now feel the have a reason to be making a fuss. Why would the op ever give half a fcuk if some randomer or some cousin they rarely if ever see is annoyed because they aren't invited. Not his problem and his mother needs to show a bit of cop on. If I was his fiance I wouldn't give him any leeway on this but for the record I wouldn't give his fiance any leeway if the shoe was on the other foot and her mother was sticking her oar in. There's only two of them in their relationship no one else matters or has any say.

So he is close to his mother and she can't ask a few questions of her sons wedding? She doesn't sound like she is demanding anything rather is just asking questions and accepting her sons decisions in time! To say no one else matters is ridiculous. Of course his mother matters, matters to him. His fianc sounds a bit overly sensitive tbh.

I suppose it depends on how he is reporting back.

Is it like:
-What did your mum say
-She was asking if we could include X but I said no and she said grand

or

-I went to see mum today and she hates where we picked and is calling it uppity and we argued for an hour about the guest list and I said and then she said and then I said etc etc and it was a big blazing row, why are you getting upset, get over it

The former is what should be happening, and I would imagine no fiancee would get upset about it. The latter sounds like it's what's happening and I would get upset about it as well...

zoobizoo

Say nothing to either of them.

Your mother doesn't need to know your plans and your fiancee doesn't need to know what your mother is thinking

Or, tell your mother "we are allowing you to invite who you like to your table...... It's up to you who to invite"

She gets to choose if that cousin comes..... But it means she can't invite her friend / sister / neighbour.

tinkerbell

You say you are very loyal to your mother. Who are you marrying? Your girlfriend or your mother? If you're marrying your girlfriend, then your loyalty needs to be with HER, not your mother. I am totally with your girlfriend here. Interfering in-laws are not something that is needed during wedding planning. Tell your mother to stop it - you and your girlfriend decide who is invited and you're not inviting people just because she says so. Time for you to grow a pair and stand up to her otherwise your wife will have a lifetime of her mother in law interfering in every aspect of your life. And if it continues, it may ruin your marriage.

meeeeh

I don't think the interfering is that bad. Maybe I am in the minority but demanding from op to basically hurt his mother despite him being able to deal with the situation just fine is a bit over the top. Grandparents/parents can be very valuable support and I really don't know why to risk falling out over situation that was already resolved.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I think you're handling it very well. You ARE standing up to your mother!! The way some people are talking you's swear you were allowing your mother make all the decisions! From what I've seen, your mother hasn't had any say, and anything she has had an opinion on you've politely explained why you're doing it your way.

I don't know what people expect. A blazing row where you cut your mother out of your life?!! My mother would also pass a lot of remarks about various things. Sometimes I listen, Sometimes I nod and smile, sometimes I disagree and tell her why. My husband finds her hard to deal with (although he also funds his own mother hard to deal with, who's similar!) so he has very little dealings with her. I suggest your gf does the same.

I wonder is she so dismissive and easily annoyed by her own mother?!

LegacyUser

Your girlfriend sounds a bit too sensitive & prone to stressing over nothing, I don't get this whole wedding stress thing, in all my 50yrs plus on this earth my wedding doesn't make my stress list, in fact nothing before my wedding (& subsequent children) gets anywhere near the word stress. I don't blame your mother for getting involved in some way why would she not ? If people want the big old fashioned white wedding in the church big hotel reception afterwards, speeches, photographs, bridesmaids, flowers etc etc then they'll have to expect some other old fashioned ways & habits. If she can't cope with her future MIL YOUR mother making some comments or requests then go have a private do somewhere. You can't have your (wedding) cake & eat it without making some compromises. I was extremely respectful towards my MIL's considerations as I was for my own parents as I didn't see it as just my day or even our day but as a day where TWO families were uniting, it wasn't about me.

When & if you ever go on to have children help from both your parents will be gratefully received. Of course that doesn't mean being walked over or dominated to, it means a bit of 2 way respect. I entirely agree it's not your mother you are marrying & your wife will have to come first in the future but she is still your mother & please do not ever feel you have to dilute your love or respect for her just because you now have a wife, you don't. Your wife may one day have a son & if she does I guarantee she won't be putting her hands in the air saying, he's got nothing to do with me.

As a female I will never understand the possessiveness some women have about their wedding day, it's not even like it's something unique, it's just a ritual, one of many that humans need in their lives until the final one, a funeral.

tinkerbell

Sorry but the last time I checked, a wedding is about the couple in question getting married. It is not about MIL deciding that cousins X Y and Z are to be invited or what flowers SHE wants or whatever. MIL has had her wedding day. It is now time for her son and his fiancée to arrange THEIR day. This whole thing of how other people should have their say is just ridiculous - why let these people walk all over you? Perhaps some people might be happy with other people running their lives but I certainly wouldn't want big decisions dictated by anybody else but me and my husband.

meeeeh

tinkerbell wrote: »

Sorry but the last time I checked, a wedding is about the couple in question getting married. It is not about MIL deciding that cousins X Y and Z are to be invited or what flowers SHE wants or whatever. MIL has had her wedding day. It is now time for her son and his fiancée to arrange THEIR day. This whole thing of how other people should have their say is just ridiculous - why let these people walk all over you? Perhaps some people might be happy with other people running their lives but I certainly wouldn't want big decisions dictated by anybody else but me and my husband.

And how is this happening to OP. He said no and the issue was resolved. It doesn't seem to me there was a whole pile of running someone's life. Don't mistake being able to listen to someone's criticism or suggestions and saying 'no I am not doing that' or 'yes you might be right' as being dictated by someone. It's very foolish to only listen to yes people and only allow an opinion to those who praise your decisions.

MayoMan1990

MayoMan1990 wrote: »

if I tell her mum said "xyz" she gets annoyed and it has the potential to get a little heated

MayoMan1990 wrote: »

I stupidly mentioned the conversation to my gf and she got quite upset. I was definitely a bit dismissive of her annoyance ("why do you let it get to you", "don't stress about it", "who cares what she says", etc.) and this naturally made it much worse

I don't think this is anything to do with rural vs. city or interfering Irish Mammies ... honestly OP, it seems to me that you're the problem here.

You're dealing with your Mam perfectly, to the point where she's admitting "well it's your wedding, you'll do as you want". You have your Mam "under control" so why on earth are you winding your girlfriend up by telling her things you know will upset her?

While I do agree that your girlfriend appears to be a bit sensitive about this (I can't believe there's this much hassle 18 months away from the wedding!!), just tell her that your Mam agrees that it's your wedding and you'll do as you want and leave it at that.

You've another year and a half of this if you don't learn to manage it better!!

LegacyUser

A wedding is not just about the couple, its about Family too. I never understood why couples have an issue with their parents wanting to invite people, particularly people who have invited them or your parents to a wedding before. Maybe it is the rural vs city thing and city people look differently on weddings (though I'm not sure about that either and maybe its just the individuals involved).

I'm from a rural area myself and I would fully expect to receive a substantial list of names from my parents of people to invite to my wedding when the time comes, most would not even be relations but friends of my parents, neighbours etc (all relations would be invited anyway automatically). My gf is from the city but she knows how things work in rural Ireland (and actually embraces the way a lot of things are done) so I know there would never be an issue, she is well used to it too from her own sister who married a farmer and from attending over 10 weddings of friends of mine which were all 200+ affairs with one being about 350 people. In one instance a good friend of mine was handed a list of 110 people to invite from his parents and of course it wasn't questioned as parents are given the ultimate respect in rural areas and people are happy to invite anyone they ask for.

I think the ops fiance needs to toughen up and understand how things work and realise its not just her day but a day for their family too and failing to invite people can really cause tension and damage relationships in rural areas which can effect both the parents but also the couple if they are living locally (again a thing a some city folk don't understand).

heroics

respectforMIL wrote: »

A wedding is not just about the couple, its about Family too. I never understood why couples have an issue with their parents wanting to invite people, particularly people who have invited them or your parents to a wedding before. Maybe it is the rural vs city thing and city people look differently on weddings (though I'm not sure about that either and maybe its just the individuals involved).

I'm from a rural area myself and I would fully expect to receive a substantial list of names from my parents of people to invite to my wedding when the time comes, most would not even be relations but friends of my parents, neighbours etc (all relations would be invited anyway automatically). My gf is from the city but she knows how things work in rural Ireland (and actually embraces the way a lot of things are done) so I know there would never be an issue, she is well used to it too from her own sister who married a farmer and from attending over 10 weddings of friends of mine which were all 200+ affairs with one being about 350 people. In one instance a good friend of mine was handed a list of 110 people to invite from his parents and of course it wasn't questioned as parents are given the ultimate respect in rural areas and people are happy to invite anyone they ask for.

I think the ops fiance needs to toughen up and understand how things work and realise its not just her day but a day for their family too and failing to invite people can really cause tension and damage relationships in rural areas which can effect both the parents but also the couple if they are living locally (again a thing a some city folk don't understand).

Could not disagree with this post more.
Sounds more like an old fashioned thing more than a country thing. i am from a small village and my wifes mothers family are farmers from a different county. My MIL wanted to invite neighbors from her home (farm) in a different county most of whom had never even met me or my wife. We just said no outright that we were not going to limit the no of our friends to invite people we had never met. We told her out straight if anyone commented to her about it give them my number and I'd explain it to them. Last it was ever mentioned(same applied to the no kids rule).

A wedding is about the couple first and foremost and who they want to celebrate the day with. If that is family/close friends/randomers of the street does not matter but it is for the couple to decide who they want there not the parents. They are not children (I presume they are adults)

OP from your first post seems that you have been saying no to your mother. So long as she is only commenting about these things to you just don't repeat them to your fiance and then there is no problem.

LegacyUser

Your mother sounds fairly ok compared to mine. At least at the end of her big speech she let it drop. Mine didnt. And they were contributing, so it was Hell on earth. They disagreed with everything and wanted to choose everything. I'm a woman, and my fiance was up to ninety the whole time.

Even the week before the wedding they changed the music behind my back and I had to have a massive row with them on the phone in a empty meeting room in work for 20 mins to reverse that one. I'll never forget it. You can be damn sure I was downplaying that one to my fiance at home or he'd have gone ballistic.

The big thing that I understood was that he felt utterly powerless. My mother wasnt having these demand filled conversations with HIM (after all, he wasnt family yet in her eyes) but was having them with me, effectively behind his back. About HIS wedding!

So he felt totally impotent and disregarded and like he was irrelevant. And he couldnt even get on the phone and sort it out because you cant do that to your future MIL and escape unscathed. So he had to accept me being the one to defend our wishes, alone. He had to seriously trust me.

He got lucky with me - I was well able to give out stink to my parents and was fully prepared to call their bluff and say if they didnt want to come it was them that would be gossiped about, not me. And there was no way I was having those fuschia flowers or having that horrible sexist reading or inviting that man Dad used to work with in 1999. He heard me on the phone and never worried that I didnt have his back 100%.

That assurance sounds like more than your fiance has (btw, its time to stop referring to her as your girlfriend). I was loyal to my folks too - but Fiance > Folks. There is a ladder of loyalty and she has to be Top Rung.

freshpopcorn

By the sounds of it your mother isn't to bad. She's asked a few things and made suggestions and when she hasn't got her way she's seems to have moved on and not made a fuss.
The only I'd comment is is your wife to be might be a bit over sensitive if you made suggestions or wanted something for the wedding or in the future. Would she get upset if it wasn't what she wanted!

SarahMollie

freshpopcorn wrote: »

By the sounds of it your mother isn't to bad. She's asked a few things and made suggestions and when she hasn't got her way she's seems to have moved on and not made a fuss.
The only I'd comment is is your wife to be might be a bit over sensitive if you made suggestions or wanted something for the wedding or in the future. Would she get upset if it wasn't what she wanted!

A lot of people are saying this but the OP did comment about a 15 minute conversation all about 1 particular cousin....this to me sounds like the mother did not just let that drop.

I know I wouldnt want my future MIL getting to involved in my preparations - especially the guest list. We're not inviting family that we don't see on a regular enough basis, and no kids, so i'm expecting a few comments about that, but I won't be for turning! Having a day thats very "us" is the most important thing.

I think the advice to give her a job so she feels part of the process is a good one. If she's doing this because she feels left out, then asking her to research the cake or something might make her feel included, without impacting your guestlist.

SAMTALK

To be fair to the mother, I really dont think she was that bad.

This is an age old problem of inviting relatives whose wedding they were at and feel the need to invite back.

If Op and gf paying for wedding themselves they should have sat down both sets of parents and told them what they had planned about guest list etc and that they would be doing things their way seen as they were paying.

The gf seems to be getting excited over a very small thing IMO.
If this is the only problem she has with her future MIL..Lucky her

woodchuck

respectforMIL wrote: »

A wedding is not just about the couple, its about Family too. I never understood why couples have an issue with their parents wanting to invite people, particularly people who have invited them or your parents to a wedding before. Maybe it is the rural vs city thing and city people look differently on weddings (though I'm not sure about that either and maybe its just the individuals involved).

I'm from a rural area myself and I would fully expect to receive a substantial list of names from my parents of people to invite to my wedding when the time comes, most would not even be relations but friends of my parents, neighbours etc (all relations would be invited anyway automatically). My gf is from the city but she knows how things work in rural Ireland (and actually embraces the way a lot of things are done) so I know there would never be an issue, she is well used to it too from her own sister who married a farmer and from attending over 10 weddings of friends of mine which were all 200+ affairs with one being about 350 people. In one instance a good friend of mine was handed a list of 110 people to invite from his parents and of course it wasn't questioned as parents are given the ultimate respect in rural areas and people are happy to invite anyone they ask for.

I think the ops fiance needs to toughen up and understand how things work and realise its not just her day but a day for their family too and failing to invite people can really cause tension and damage relationships in rural areas which can effect both the parents but also the couple if they are living locally (again a thing a some city folk don't understand).

I get where you're coming from to a certain extent and weddings are a social minefield. E.g. I think it's "all or nothing" for a lot of situations (cousins, aunts/uncles, children etc). However, while the parents can advise about all this, it's up to the couple of make the decision. It's very archaic for the parents to hand the couple a list of 100+ people and expect them to be invited no questions asked :eek: This has nothing to do with respect, it purely comes down to finances. 100 people at about 60euro per plate = 6000euro!!! If the parents are willing to pay for it fair enough, but nowadays it's the couple who pays. This is outdated thinking in the modern world I'm afraid.

gaynorvader

Surely the point of the afters is to invite all the cousins/aunts/uncles/etc? Is it just the ceremony that has problems, or is it the afters your fiance is having issue with your mother inviting more people?

SarahMollie

gaynorvader wrote: »

Surely the point of the afters is to invite all the cousins/aunts/uncles/etc? Is it just the ceremony that has problems, or is it the afters your fiance is having issue with your mother inviting more people?

Not all venues are suitable for afters. If its in the local hotel in town then I'm sure its no problem, but if its in a private venue, a couple of hours away are people really likely to travel just for the afters?!

Also, a lot of people find afters invites pretty contentious in their own right, so thats a whole other can of worms.

Ben Gadot

freedominacup wrote: »

His mother needs to back off. It's nothing to do with her. "Rural life" is a b.s. cop out to try to justify busybody interference. .

To be fair, I don't think there's anything particularly busybody about saying "well he invited you to your wedding" in regards to extended family. If someone bore a cost to have my company on their wedding day, I think it's fair to say I'd pay back in kind.

But it's not the op's mother's battle. It comes down to good etiquette at the end of the day.

meeeeh

Ah now, OP now even the people on the internet are telling you who invite .

LegacyUser

OP, I get where your fiance iscoming from. I am getting married next year and so far my inlaws have done nothing but give us headaches. It is at the stage where my fiance (their son) is dealing with them on his own.

To date, I have had crap about how we didn't ask their advice on which venue to pick, what church to pick, the date, the time...everything. They wanted to change it all. I am by far more fiery than my fiance, so the last time this came up with me, they asked if my parents had an input. I said no, obviously not. Our wedding, noy theirs. They then complained that they had involved their parents in their planning. I pointed out that they were in their early 20s, living at home and being fundedby their parents. We are in our mid 30s, been living out of home since 18 and we were paying.

They went looking at hotels for us again last weekend. I now just let my fiance shout at them everytime they do something like that. Stressful isn't the word.

Shut your mother down fast and stop stressing your fiance out about it.

mailforkev

When we got married we were clear from the outset what the deal was. Our parents respect us as adults so were cool with whatever we did. After all, they had their own weddings to do what they wanted.

My advice for the OP is that no matter how good or bad his mother is, it's all about perception with his fiancé. Fiancé must be seen to be number 1.

Just be careful or your girlfriend will go from having a MIL problem to a You problem, then you're in real trouble.

The Young Wan

Walter2016 wrote: »

I think you hit the nail on the head in the first post.

Your gf doesn't understand rural life where everyone talks to each other and about each other.

The wedding is your mother's social event of the year and she wants to "show off" in the nicest possible way.

Suggest to your gf to join the Facebook page OMGWACA (oh my God what a complete aisling) and it will in a very nice way introduce her to rural memmeh.

She'll realise that your mother needs to "interfere" even just a little.

Another shagging influx. And we only just recovered from the last one!

OP, I'd have to agree with the "get off the fence" comments. While small town weddings can be a dangerous game (ask my cousin, who ended up inviting half the parish so no one would be offended) you'll have to see it from the point of view your *fiancee*, not your girlfriend as you keep referring to her.

You won't have an easy time whichever you pick, but something in me says to stand up to Mammy dearest. If nothing else, it'll make for a quiet marriage.

Chocolate fiend

The wedding is 18 months away, I would calm the farm a bit about it for now. Half the people on the list could be dead by then......

kylith

Ben Gadot wrote: »

To be fair, I don't think there's anything particularly busybody about saying "well he invited you to your wedding" in regards to extended family. If someone bore a cost to have my company on their wedding day, I think it's fair to say I'd pay back in kind.

But it's not the op's mother's battle. It comes down to good etiquette at the end of the day.

Inviting someone to your wedding because they invited you to theirs is rubbish. Unless the OP had a pact of mutual wedding invitation with them he is under no obligation to return the dubious favour. They chose to invite him of their own free will, presumably because they had the space and/or cash to do so.

I suspect that interfering patents do so because they had little input into their own wedding, times being what they were, and feel that it's now their turn.

Stick to your guns OP. Tell your mum you have a set budget, or you've decided on a limited number of people. If she tries to push the issue because so-and-so invited them to heirs. Why not suggest that she and your Father renew their vows. That way she can have a party and invite whoever she wants.

Sapphire

From a rural background myself and have had interference. It throws you and really casts a shadow over your plans.

The format of weddings is evolving and for a lot of the older generation, they are kind of at a loss - parents paying for a couple's wedding and inviting who they wanted was the accepted norm. Now they feel that they still should have a say in proceedings and it's tricky because these days couples are mostly paying and quite rightly want to have the day that suits them with their favourite people around given that they've probably saved long and hard for it.

Generally the usual method from what I can see of family weddings is that each parent is allocated a number of blank invites (the number is up to each but I think my parents got about 10 invites outside of aunts and uncles and other close relations) for random neighbours /colleagues /postman. Expect a bit of grumbling.

Some parents get a bit odd about weddings. But try to head off any interference, and only tell your fiancée about the latest drama once you've resolved it.