Having a girlfriend in Leaving Cert.

LegacyUser

I'm a lad, in leaving cert, and there's a girl in my year, we've always been good friends, we have a lot in common, neither of us drink, we're both academic, we both play music.

I'm normally fairly obtuse when it comes to "signs" but I did notice that she's the only girl who will hold a door for me, initiate conversations with me etc. she's always looking for excuses to talk to me and sit beside me.

Recently a mutual friend of ours told me that she's mentioning me a lot, and told me that if I asked her out or asked her to the debs, she'd probably say yes. The friend also said the girl is trying to get me to notice her more.

Now I have never had a girlfriend, and neither has she (bar a 2 week fling with a lad back in 2nd year). I would like to make her my girlfriend. Just the idea of having her to go to the cinema with, go for a night out/in with etc.

Now as I'm in leaving cert, this poses a bit of a problem. Her mother is totally against her having any sort of distractions during this year, as shes going for a high-points course. She has told me herself that her life is just school, study, repeat. My own mother is the same...if I came home and told her that I was bringing a girl to the cinema or something she would go mental and say it will derail my leaving cert altogether. I personally think I could handle it as I don't have a huge amount of responsibilities this year besides school and study.

I asked my dad about this. He said that if I ask her out now, it won't be fun. Her mother will go crazy, my mother will go crazy, it probably will affect your studies and grades to at least some degree which will cause them to go crazier, which will end up putting the girl under a lot of pressure, at which point it will go completely south and all that will be left is awkward silences and avoiding eye contact.

He said not to ask her out yet, but by all means ask her to the debs in a month or two (debs itself is in July normally), continue to be a good friend to her, both of you focus on your leaving certs in relative comfort, and then you're a free man...when the exams are done give her a call and ask does she want to go out to the cinema or whatever, and do as ye please for the summer.

I'm just afraid that if I give this present opportunity a miss, she'll end up being snapped up by somebody else during the year and I'll be left kicking myself for not making a move. Or that she'll eventually lose interest in me because I didn't ask her out and then she'll move on.

So do I bite the bullet now and go for it or take my dad's advice and hold off?

TL;DR
I'm a leaving cert lad. There's a girl in my year showing several signs of interest in me and according to a mutual friend wants me to ask her to the debs and/or go out with her, I'm all for this. But, both her mother and my mother are very against relationships while in an exam year. My dad is telling me to hold off until I have the exams over with just for my own sanity and to pursue a relationship if I want to next summer, but to ask her to the debs by all means in a month or two. Not sure what to do.

Loveinapril

I think asking her to the debs this soon is nuts. Wait until Spring at the earliest!
Have you got her number? Can you just start it slow and chat outside of school?
At 17/18, I am wondering why your mothers would have to know you are seeing someone at all. Surely they don't need to know your every move. You can say you are going out with friends. It is pretty unhealthy for anyone to spend every spare minute, weekends and school holidays studying. Going out on a Saturday afternoon is not going to impact the results of an exam 9 months away! I personally think you will regret not having more fun when you look back in a few years if you don't start letting loose a bit.

Mickeroo

Dont listen to your parents, you sound fairly mature for your age so I'm sure you'll do well in the exams anyway. Plus, leaving cert isn't really as important as you're made think it is at that age, when you're older you'll realise you would have been better off enjoying being young.than burying your head in the books.

Rubberchikken

you can have both in LC year, a girlfriend and the exam results you both want but compromise may be the way to go.
you're old enough and sound mature enough to address this issue with your mom and, tbh, she needs to listen and do a bit of give and take also.
another year and you'll be in college away from any influence or 'crazy' that your mom can do and then you have to make your own decisions. she needs to see this and maybe your dad could help with this.
yes LCis important and points are important, but learning how to cope in the world is important too, and balancing study/classes and a social life are part of that.
good luck

Big Bag of Chips

Don't tell your mothers!

silverharp

The LC year is important and in a years time apart from close mates you will lose touch with most people in your class so just remember that you are in a bit of goldfish bowl where all this stuff seems important when it isnt really. that being said even with my "dad hat" on I wouldnt tell my son not to have a gf during the LC year but keep it light and dont stress about the debs because its so far out. Yourself and this girl sound mature enough but I'd veer away from sneaking behind your parent's back which is immature in itself and would just create fake drama which you dont need. If you go ahead do it from a grown up position

Eric Cartman

If you two are both oretty academic , could you nit just arange to he study partners ir some crap. Surely your mothers wouldnt have a problem with the two of you studying together, you get the academic orogress you want and you get to spend time with her. You both seem mature enough to actually still focus in school work, if something happens it happens , keep it wuiet form the mothers and then the second the last exam paper is done yee can start actually being together.

Also , I don't know why so many mothers get wound up, the LC realistically is insignificant in terms of educational progress, you can arse about till 23 and go to college then as a mature student. By all means work hard at it and try do your best, but no matter how mad your ma goes, its not worth tears, arguments, medication to focus/ calm down , depriving yourself of social interaction or any if that crap.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice. I'm leaning towards going for it. My dad's idea of approaching this seems too much like: "It will happen naturally if you're nice to her and a good friend"...and I have a good idea of how things like this end up for "nice guys" who just sit back and hope things will magically happen for them. He the asked me "What if she says no or it goes south? Where does that leave you?"

I really don't want to be kicking myself a year from now because I was too much of a wuss to pursue this.

And on the other hand, if I am rejected, it won't have been the first time. Sure, I'll be down and out for a few days, and it will be a bit awkward for a week or two, but at least then I won't always be wondering "what if?"

I live in the countryside, and I'm still a bit reliant on lifts from the folks, at least for another month or two until I pass the test...will this make things awkward and difficult? Especially regarding keeping the mothers' involvement to a minimum?

Another reason I want to make this happen is because almost everyone in my year has had some romantic experience, albeit sometimes juvenile and short-lived...and I don't want to be completely green when it comes to college next year.

anndub

My husband and I started to casually date in December of our leaving cert year. We got pretty serious very quickly and I now know his mother had similar feelings to what you describe though she kept them to herself thankfully. Despite this, we both got the points we wanted for high points courses, neither of us ever failed a uni exam and we have been quite successful in our careers so far (we're both 30 now). I'd go so far as to say the flushes of early love actually destressed us both and meant we did better than we may have had we not met!

Do what feels right to you, you're an adult now.

Ps. I remember the worry of what if I have no one to go to the debs with! I'm sure she would be delighted if you asked her now.

intheclouds

Go for it!

Nothing to lose, just ask her out. You can keep it low key and quiet from your folks for now.

Best of luck and enjoy!

deisemum

You need to have breaks from study too and to have time to relax too. Each of my sons had a girlfriend when they were in Leaving Cert and it didn't impact on their study and exams.

My second son spent a lot more time playing gaelic and hurling for his clubs at 2 age levels and also for the school team which involved missing a lot of classes but he was still able to manage his time to study too.

It's often a case of those that are busy are the most organised and more productive too.

Oregano_State

Go for it man, absolutely go for it. You sound like you've put a fair amount of thought into this, and have weighed up reasonable pros and cons, although I would go along with what a few people have already said here in that these 'cons' are perceived and not actually real negatives.

Personally, I had a girlfriend for most of my leaving cert year and have also been in a relationship from the final year of my undergrad through a very demanding masters and on to a so-far-so-good career that I'm a couple of years into at the moment. I also do a lot of sport, and I really believe that having positive things in your life outside of study can be very helpful to performing well academically. If you are happy with your day to day life, you'll work more effectively.

I also completely agree with the posters who've said that the further you go in your education or career, the more you'll see that the leaving cert is not the be-all and end-all of tough exams. Yes, it is a gruelling process to go through, and there is pressure from your family and peers to do as well as possible, but when you get to university you don't get spoon-fed information half as much, and the complexity of the subjects as well as the requirement to develop your own insight increases dramatically. If you enter a demanding university course (I'm assuming you will based on the high points requirement you mention, although these are not always correlated.), having been effectively locked up for a year studying with your life on hold, the distractions that uni life brings could seriously mess up your routine and prevent you from doing as well as you should.

What I'm saying is the the LC is a part of life, but I don't think it should BE your life. It is very possible to study effectively while having other things going on at the same time.

Ask the girl out, see what happens, and keep your eye on the big picture. Best of luck and please let us know how it goes. :-)

Clampdown

Just don't tell your parents, they're being unreasonable. If you feel ready to start dating you should, it's an important part of life.

Kids are put under ridiculous pressure in this country for the leaving cert. Then after they get the big points course, graduate from it, they usually move to Australia and work in a pub.

What do your parents expect you to do, put off dating until you've graduated college? You'll have to at some point learn how to balance your academic and social/dating life. A few dates to the cinema is hardly going to hurt.

The_Conductor

You're both academically inclined- and going for high points courses- what could be better than having a partner to study with- you'd be in a unique position to help each other- in a way that dating anyone else simply wouldn't work.

Organise more and more study sessions together- and take breaks and enjoy yourselves- but get the work done..........

It sounds like you're kindred spirits and genuinely want whats best for each other- there are few enough people like this in life.

SarahMollie

I think you should go for it OP.

It sounds like you're both sensible and see the importance of getting a good leaving cert. If you'd described her as being a live wire with little interest in her own LC, then it would be different advice, but as you both seem to have similar outlooks and aspirations, then whats the harm.

Its totally healthy and positive to have something good to distract yourself in the leaving cert year. if that means you go to the cinema once a week together then thats a good thing.

LegacyUser

Sorry to dig up a zombie thread (funny that it happens to be Halloween) but I wanted to throw out an update on proceedings.

I made an effort with the girl in question over the past few weeks in school. Anytime I could talk to her I would. She also made an effort with me, purposely slowing down on her way out from school to have a few words with me before she got on the bus and always taking opportunities to talk to me.

Problem is I could never get her on her own, there'd always either be a friend of hers or a friend of mine who'd appear out of nowhere just as I'd try to make a move, without fail.

But anyway I was at a house party last night, and she was at a different one. However, both parties ended up heading into the same nightclub, which I wasn't even aware of until I saw her there. It was honestly like the planets aligned. I managed to head over and talk to her and her group of friends. Now, whether she had talked this through with them beforehand or whatever, but after a minute or two they all excused themselves and left me alone with her. Needless to say we got talking and then started...a bit more than talking. All she asked was that I promise this wouldn't make things awkward between myself and herself. I also casually asked would she go to the debs with me and she said yes without a hesitation.

After about what must have been an hour, but what felt like 10 minutes, the lights came on in the club and we went out separate ways, but I said I'd text her tomorrow. There's another house party Thursday night so I guess I'll just play it cool and see how this pans out.

Thanks for your encouragement here guys. It still hasn't sunk in that I managed to pull off something I would only have dreamt about a year ago.

Now all I have to do is try and not fúck it up.

Faith

Well done! Just don't get wrapped up in nonsense like "playing it cool". Don't haunt the girl, but there's no harm in letting her know that you're keen.

Rubberchikken

I'm happy for you:) hope things go great.

nikkibikki

It can't be all work and no play OP! Ye're both in the same boat as in ye are both in LC. I had my first serious bf in 6th yr. I ended up getting more points than my parents expected tbh! You need to let ur hair down too.

Call me Al

Well done. Life is for living. 26 years on I can tell you that the LC isn't the be all and end all. Yes it's important, and should be studied for with an eye on the end prize, but it shouldn't dominate your life to the extent that you aren't going on a date to the cinema because your mum is concerned you'll lose the run of yourself and flush your future down the toilet.

You both sound like level-headed people.

fizzypish

When your young, your told the LC is the be all and end all. After that there's college (sounds like it in your case), after that there's work... There's always going to be some big thing in your life thats a huge pain in the arse and you should make it your priority. As you get older that priority becomes more inescapable. Your young, chill out and ask her out (You did it congrats!!!). You already hang out a lot anyway so whats the big deal. Going to the cinema or playing a bit of music together (wrap it up if its sweet sweet music.... sorry got vulgar there) isn't going to cause you both to fail the LC. Study is important but having a life is more so. Gluck!

castaway_lady

You're in leaving cert not jail so keep that in mind and have your fun too. Lots of people balance both and you both sound mature.
Best of luck and enjoy!