that gut feeling...

LegacyUser

i went to an event recently with my other half , his friends more than mine.. he didnt come back to the room that night he stayed up drinking with his friends ,i rang him the next morning asking him if he could come back , two and a half hours later i see him walking by were we were staying with a can in his hand alongside his friends , i called him and he came over with his female mate ... so this is where my gut feeling thing is coming into play , i was a bit upset , i felt like id been completly pushed to the side and not been givin a second thought , they came up to the room and the most humiliating convo took place , the female friend told him she felt that he was holding out for something better than me and did he think there was some one else for him out there , she also asked him had he ever been in love before and did he love me , so im sitting in the room crying at this stage ( im prob just giving the jist of the convo here) and my partner is saying...nothing... then the girl starts crying out of drunken emotions and my partner comforts her ...leaving me sitting there wiping my own tears away , they then had a conversation about why had they never been intimate before.... i walked out of the room at this stage... id had enough. that was three weeks ago and im still not over it , my partner has since said it was a stupid drunk conversation and maybe he should have spoke up and he is sorry. alarm bells are ringing in my head , i am extremely hurt and honestly im not sure if i can get passed how i feel , i feel slightly betrayed that he let a conversation like that take place and firstly didnt stop it and secondly didnt tell her of course he has been in love seeing as he is in a relationship , im also extremely hurt that he consoled her and left me crying ... he said all it says is that he was drunk , i dont feel its a valid excuse , if you are going to get that drunk that you cant be aware of conversations that are taking place then maybe you shouldnt drink that much in the first place , our daughters birthday is in a few days and honestly i am really hurting , i feel beyond humiliated and cant get rid of this gut feeling that i am being played..

retro:electro

Ya that's more than just a gut feeling.. That's a gut feeling, alarm bells ringing and red flags waving. I feel really sorry for you that sounds like such an upsetting and humiliating situation to be put in and your boyfriend is an absolute arsehole for putting you through that. Do you think he cheated on you that night with her? I don't want to plant the seed in your head but from what you've described here I wouldn't put it past him.

batmanrobin

Jesus, OP! How awful for you! He really should have shut that conversation down and it's you he should have been comforting not her!! I'd be having a long chat with him, but honestly if I were in your shoes I'd think I'd be gone. Tis BS behaviour.

LegacyUser

op here , no id ont believe he did , this woman is married , her husband was asleep in there room while she was with my partner and another friend drinking, i talked to my sister about it and she said it shows that the womans so comfortable and not a threat because she spoke openly infront of me about it , shes not the issue , genuinly , she actually messaged the both of us apoligising for her behaviour , hes the issue , he lay watching me crying as a result of the convo and said and did nothing and then conforted the woman the minute she got upset , she actually told him at one point "its not me you should be consoling , its your girlfriend" i dont believe this woman was **** stirring , i actually believe in a weird way she was trying to be truthful in a drunk state , this is obv what she sees from an outsiders view , she told him that she saw him with his previous game and she felt he played mind games with her and she said she feels hes doing the same to me and its not fair if he doesnt love me and bla bla bla , hes the issue here , who the **** stays quiet unless they dont givve a ****... sorry ... everytime i think about it im getting so unbleievably angry...we have a two year old child together , its ****ing ridiculous that im even writing this post!

Big Bag of Chips

Sometimes, it's not excusable, but its explainable, sometimes people treat their partner's worse than their friends out of 'comfort' or complacency, or familiarity. The friend was talking shyte. You were upset, but he was drunk, maybe uncomfortable and awkward with the conversation, and even though you were upset, out of familiarity or complacency or whatever, he didn't get up to you in front of the friend, who was saying things that were upsetting you. Then the friend gets upset and he tries to comfort her to smooth everything over. Because it was all just getting awkward. Maybe he was comforting her, telling her it was ok, you'd be ok, etc. Not nice, not sensible but slightly explainable.

It's not excuse. But it can happen. People hurt the people they love. People take the people they love for granted and assume they'll be ok, and they'll always be there, because they know they love them etc.

He was drunk. She was drunk. They were talking shyte and completely disrespecting you to your face. But was it deliberate? The one thing repeated on this forum constantly is trust your gut. It doesn't mean that you have to end your relationship. But you do need to let your bf know how much it hurt you, and how small it made you feel. He will not want to hear it. He'll want to move on and forget it, but he does need to hear and acknowledge your hurt. And then, you need to move on. There is nothing to be gained from rehashing it. If you want to continue the relationship, and if this isn't a pattern of behaviour, then I think you 'let this one go'. But if anything similar happens in the future or if your gut tells you something again, then you decide if he's really the best man for you.

gline

Have you sat down with him and explained exactly how he made u feel, that it is really hurting you?

LegacyUser

i have sat with him and explained to him , he said he understands and that he has had enough of me whinging and crying over it... unreal....but in complete honesty this isnt the first time he has done this to me , i invited his friend around one night to give him a birthday cake and a present from us and my other half spent the whole night putting me down infront of him about everything i talked about , i ended up going to bed as i was embaressed by him and i heard his friend giving out to him for putting me down and my otherhalf started giving him advise on women and telling him that he has yet to meet a decent one , it took alot for me to let that go but i did , i have anxiety all the time with this man , i think im at the end of it with him . im not sure if im looking for validation that what he did is completely unacceptable and its not me being irrational or wether im just trying to clear my head by gettin it out there , i have told him we are over but honestly i dont think he is taking me seriously that i have left him.. i apreciate all the replys so far thanks guys

silverbolt

Jesus OP, my heart goes out to you - that's horrendous.

You need to have it out with him Find out what was going on and why exactly this was going on?

Whether its too much adn you should leave is up to you - but he should know exactly how he made you feel.

daithi7

Leave him!!

P.s. and tell the friend (even though she was drunk and in fairness, has apologised) that she's an asshole too!!

P.p.s. did you just sit there weeping, or did you not vehemently object to such a discussion being held disgracefully right in front of you?! I don't mean to be harsh, and in fairness you were rightfully very upset, but ideally you would have put your foot down with the friend before asking her to leave 'nicely'.......... with something like

'f##k off, you undermining, trouble making, substance abusing witch' ,

but that might be a bit gentle and subtle for her actually

frostyjacks

"Maybe he should have spoke up", he said. There's no maybe about it. How would he like it if you brought another man back to your hotel room, made him feel completely worthless, then started hugging this other man in front of him? I can't imagine he would enjoy the experience. He's bang out of order and needs to get his act together.

Ursus Horribilis

dafd wrote: »

l....but in complete honesty this isn't the first time he has done this to me , i invited his friend around one night to give him a birthday cake and a present from us and my other half spent the whole night putting me down in front of him about everything I talked about. I ended up going to bed as I was embarrassed by him. I heard his friend giving out to him for putting me down and my other half started giving him advice on women and telling him that he has yet to meet a decent one...I have anxiety all the time with this man

Sorry OP but this incident, along with the original one you outlined both show what a bad egg your other half is. He is telling you in many different ways that he does not like or respect you, let alone love you. If that's the attitude he has, no wonder you're anxious all the time. Relationships are supposed to bring something positive to your life, not make you feel like crap. It is messy that you've got a daughter with him but for both your sakes you need to leave. If nothing else, do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that it's OK to be in a relationship with a man who thinks so little of her?

HS3

No. Sorry. Dump him. Please. No one deserves that kind of humiliation. You'd be happier getting on with your life.

It's not a gut feeling, that's pure insult to your face.

LegacyUser

thanks guy for the replys , i really apreciate you all taking the time to help me ... i dont have anyone to talk to about this so honestly im pretty greatful for this space to bash it out , my daughters in bed and hes out drinking with his friends not a bother on him and the lonelyness is kicking in now to be honest , hes not staying here anymore hes gone back home but he took the car that we shared , things like that are making me feel so sad that he would have me walking with our daughter while he has the car just sitting in his drive , its an unbelievable selfishness that i just cant get my head around , i live a good half hour walk from the town so i went down today and ordered my daughters birthday cake and bought myself a push bike to help bring groceries back , ill save up and get the seat for her in the next few weeks , im feeling really deflated at the moment but im grateful for the kind responses from everyone ,thank you everyone.

leggo

He's a dick. Get gone. You can do so much better OP. Forget about him not meeting a decent girl, you're not with a decent man who treats his girlfriend like that. His friends sound like immature scum too. You're all adults and there's children in play and this is how they carry on? OP, I feel so bad for you, you're the only adult here behaving as such around a bunch of children. You're not crazy. You do deserve better. There's so much more to the world than this, you deserve to enjoy it. Get this disrespectful prick out of your life once and for all.

Sound Bite

dafd wrote: »

i have sat with him and explained to him , he said he understands and that he has had enough of me whinging and crying over it... unreal....but in complete honesty this isnt the first time he has done this to me , i invited his friend around one night to give him a birthday cake and a present from us and my other half spent the whole night putting me down infront of him about everything i talked about , i ended up going to bed as i was embaressed by him and i heard his friend giving out to him for putting me down and my otherhalf started giving him advise on women and telling him that he has yet to meet a decent one , it took alot for me to let that go but i did , i have anxiety all the time with this man , i think im at the end of it with him . im not sure if im looking for validation that what he did is completely unacceptable and its not me being irrational or wether im just trying to clear my head by gettin it out there , i have told him we are over but honestly i dont think he is taking me seriously that i have left him.. i apreciate all the replys so far thanks guys

It's completely unacceptable and you are in no way irrational. If anything, you are under reacting. You've make the right decision telling him it's over. Stick to that decision.

daithi7

Yup, tell him it's over, that you can do better and that he is an asshole and his friend is too. SIMPLE!! :-)

Good luck Op , they were a few horrible and humiliating experiences he put you through. Good riddance!.

pookie82

daithi7 wrote: »

Yup, tell him it's over, that you can do better and that he is an asshole and his friend is too. SIMPLE!! :-)

Good luck Op , they were a few horrible and humiliating experiences he put you through. Good riddance!.

Have you read the thread? She has a child with him. So it's not as simple as "you're a d*ck, bye!"

They have to work out some sort of amicable parting for her daughter's sake.

OP, you're going to need to be very firm and forthright in the next few weeks/months. Accept that this man will never be the father or partner that you want or need, and end it. Every second spent with him sounds like it's chipping farther and farther away at your self esteem.

It sounds like he's already staying elsewhere? So part of him realises it's also over.

If you could find a way to accept that this relationship isn't working, and try to end it without apportioning blame, it would help a lot with regard to his future relationship with his daughter. It doesn't seem it now, but I'd wager than once you've gotten used to the idea of being without him, you'll realise what a weight off it is. Who knows, down the road, without the pressure of a failing relationship, maybe one day you guys will become friends again.

He doesn't sound like he's happy, and you definitely aren't. Take the steps now to save civility before the whole thing implodes and is worse for your child in the long run.

Ursus Horribilis

It also wouldn't be a bad idea to quietly make an appointment with a solicitor or the free legal aid people. Something tells me this guy is going to dick you and your daughter around, not pay maintenance etc.

Emme

OP it's not going to do you or your daughter any good to stay with this man. If you do you won't be happy and she will get the message that's it OK to stay with a man who treats a woman like crap. Is that what you want for her?

I agree with the poster who suggested getting legal aid. Arrange it asap, it might take a while with free legal aid but it will be worth it.

From the way he treated you your relationship is over and you should be making moves to leave him as soon as possible considering the circumstances.

The Wolverine

You share the car? Who's name is it registered in? If it's yours I'd be taking it back.

If it isn't but the insurance is in your name id be cancelling it

anewme

Sorry for your troubles OP, but you are best well rid.

Time to take off the rose tinted glasses, dry your tears and stand up for yourself and your child, who both deserve much better than this.

Agree about the car and the insurance, if they are yours, get them back, get ready to play hard ball with this guy over maintenance and in fact anything else you need to deal with him on. By hard ball, I dont mean rude, the time for recriminations is done, its time to be polite, brusque, business like for the sake of your little one.

This guy sounds like he has a drink problem too - most of these "deep" conversations between him and his "friends" seem to take place under the influence. He sounds extremely selfish.

pc7

I know it's hard but it's better for your daughter not to grow up seeing a man treat a woman this way. It's not normal, nice or respectful. So sorry you've been put through this, hopefully you can co parent without being together. You deserve better x

suicide_circus

Cheek of your one! Tell him to go to his "female friend" you're better off without him.

LegacyUser

thanks for the advise guys , its tricky with the car , his mother lent us the money to buy the car from his brother , we had agreed we were both paying half for it and we would half the cost of insurance too because it was too expensive for me to be insured bymyself , it was a practical verbal kind of agreement with the car i guess so iv no say really hes decided its his so theres nothing i can do , i have my little push bike now anyway , its turned very abusive since , iv been told that he knows everyone thinks im an idiot even if theyv never said it and all i do is talk a load of nonsense and im nothing but a slut and a hooker who accepts money for sex (this isnt true iv never accepted money for sex in my life ) its just some sort of weird insult hes decided to throw at me , i think this is going to be a very nasty breakup and im not feeling all that strong for the fight of it...

Ursus Horribilis

Oh dear, he is turning out to be quite a nasty piece of work, isn't he? Do you have anybody at all you can chat to ? A parent, brother or sister, a friend?

I hope you take up my suggestion from earlier and get legal advice. If you can't afford a solicitor, then make an appointment with the free legal aid people as soon as you can. I believe there is a waiting list but the sooner you get your name on the list the better. He sounds vile and not someone who is going to help you at all with parenting. So you need to find out what your entitlements are and sort other things out. You could also give Women's Aid a buzz on 1800 341 900 and get advice from them as to how to deal with him.

If he is as unpleasant as he appears to be, you might find that he's not too well thought of locally. So don't be worrying what he's saying. People see more than you think they do. You're the one pedalling a push bike while he has a car under his arse. Try to remember too in all of this that you are not the one who has done anything wrong. It doesn't feel like it yet but in the long term you'll be happier split from him.

leggo

dafd wrote: »

thanks for the advise guys , its tricky with the car , his mother lent us the money to buy the car from his brother , we had agreed we were both paying half for it and we would half the cost of insurance too because it was too expensive for me to be insured bymyself , it was a practical verbal kind of agreement with the car i guess so iv no say really hes decided its his so theres nothing i can do , i have my little push bike now anyway , its turned very abusive since , iv been told that he knows everyone thinks im an idiot even if theyv never said it and all i do is talk a load of nonsense and im nothing but a slut and a hooker who accepts money for sex (this isnt true iv never accepted money for sex in my life ) its just some sort of weird insult hes decided to throw at me , i think this is going to be a very nasty breakup and im not feeling all that strong for the fight of it...

When situations get like this and you start to see abusive behaviour coming through, your best bet is probably waiting until he leaves for work one day and you have 8+ hours of the place to yourself, packing essentials, having a family member/friend with a car on standby and leaving then letting him know when the deed is done and you know you're safe. If you sense it's gonna be a messy break-up, remove any opportunities for it to get messy from him and let him deal only with facts and practicalities alone. You owe him nothing once he's shown himself to be willing to abuse you when he doesn't get his way, your mental and physical wellbeing is at stake here and that takes priorities over him. He can have his strops and say what he likes in his own time. His feelings don't matter now.

I hope you've contacted Women's Aid. All the information and professional advice you can get right now is needed. Let them help you build an exit strategy here and go from there.

And well done for seeing the light here and making the brave decision to look out for yourself and your children. Forget what he says, you're an extremely strong person and you're going to be more than able for the next chapter. Remember you'll always have support here too for any issues that come up in the future.

Big Bag of Chips

Please don't give him ANY money. Please. No matter what he says or threatens, do not give him any money. You are going to need every penny you have.

You can get free legal advice from their clinics. Do a search for your local one. But Legal Aid isn't free. You will have to pay a portion of your legal costs depending on your means. Are you still living together? It will get worse. Much worse. He will up the ante when he realises you are leaving. Don't back down now. It will be difficult, make no mistake. It will be the most difficult thing you have done so far in your life, but afterwards life will be so much easier. Easier than you can believe!

Think of the long-term results.

Sallysore

I have been reading this and my heart goes out to you OP. It's so sad how the people closest to us can turn around and stab us in the back. What I don't understand about men like him is how he can do this to his daughter? By being so disrespectful to you (the mother of his kid) it is gonna affect his daughter and her happiness growing up. He's a right asshole. But seriously if he cares for his child at all, he would respect her mother.

SouthernBelle

From the Women's Aid website,

https://www.womensaid.ie

We have listed some warning signs below to help you make sense of your situation. Any one of the following signs is serious. You do not need to experience several, or all of them for your relationship to be abusive.

You are afraid of your partner.
You are constantly 'walking on eggshells' because of his mood swings.
You spend your time working out what kind of mood he is in and the focus is always on his needs.
He loses his temper easily and over minor things.
He has hit you or almost hit you and/or your children.
Your partner has been abusive in a previous relationship.
He criticises your family and friends and/or makes it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
He calls you names and threatens you and/or your children.
He is jealous and accuses you of flirting and having affairs.
He regularly criticises or undermines you in front of other people - including about the way you look, dress, and/or your abilities as a mother.
Your needs are not considered important or are ignored, and he makes the decisions in the relationship.
You find it hard to get time on your own. When you do spend time away from him, he demands to know where you were and who you were with.
He controls your access to basic essentials such as the car, the family finances, food, the telephone and internet.
He has forced you to do something that you really did not want to do.
He has forced you to have sex with him or with other people. He has made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with.
He has threatened to have you deported because of your immigration status.
He tries to control aspects of your life such as whether you work, and where; who you see and when; what you can spend; what you can wear; what you watch or listen to on the radio or television.
He demands to know the passwords to you email account and social networking pages.
He has threatened to kill you, or to kill himself, if you leave him.

SouthernBelle

Women's Aid

1800 341 900
National Freephone Helpline
24 hours a day, 7 days a week

pc7

Great advice above, you can do this, you have the strength, think of your daughter

EmmaMurray2016

From past experiences gut feelings are usually right but at the time we think we are mad and don't listen. Listen to your instincts.