Am I wasting my Life?

Shint0 · 10-09-2016 12:03PM

tara73 wrote: »

OP, didn't you post here about your situation a few weeks ago? Was looking for the thread, but couldn't find it.

Nothing has changed, you even moved in with her parents and you are still trying for a baby. It's actually beyond words.

everybody gave the same advice to you in that other thread, and very strongly, like now again.
what do you expect from people here and from posting again if you obviously not taking any of the unanimous advice on board?

If the OP has posted here before recently on the same issue I actually see it as positive that he has decided to post again. He clearly mentioned the effect on his life and change in personality over the years since the relationship started. The psychological impact and the bond in an unhealthy relationship can take time to undo, sometimes needing professional help becacuase of the complexity of emotions involved.

It's not always as simple as telling somebody to leave straightaway. It can be a very slow, gradual process for some people to adjust to having an image again of their true authentic self and they are worthy of more than the cumulative effects of a soul-destroying relationship. If he has posted again it means he is still contemplating finishing the relationship and is a good sign he is on the right track. There have been some very good posts here telling him what a healthy relationship actually involves which might help him to contemplate further and realise that he is deserving of a good partner but sometimes it can and does take time for that message to sink in and to act on it.

Ursus Horribilis · 10-09-2016 12:25PM

Regarding maintenance, here's what the citizen's advice website has to say (link here)

In short: DO NOT have a baby with this woman and get the hell out of there asap. Notice how everyone is telling you the same thing?

Spouses and partners

If you are or have been married or in a civil partnership, you are entitled to apply to the court for maintenance from your spouse/civil partner to cover your own expenses. If you are in a cohabiting relationship, you have no such right.
If the cohabiting relationship subsequently breaks down you may not apply to the court for maintenance for yourself, unless you satisfy the eligibility criteria for the redress scheme for cohabiting couples. You will have to show that you were/are financially dependent on your partner.

Children

Married couples and civil partners are legally obliged to maintain their dependent children in accordance with their means. Their maintenance responsibilities following a judicial separation, divorce or dissolution are determined by the courts.
If you have had a child outside of marriage and cannot come to an agreement about maintenance, you may apply to the court to order the other parent to pay child support. In most cases, it is the parent with main custody of the child that makes such an application.
If the court decides that the parent of a dependent child has failed to provide such maintenance for the child as "is proper in the circumstances", it may order that parent to make regular maintenance payments to support the child. The court may also order a parent to pay a lump sum.
The Children and Family Relationships Act 2015 has amended the Family Law (Maintenance of Spouses and Children) Act 1976 so that a cohabitant who is a guardian of:

Their partner’s child or
The child their partner has the day-to-day care of

has a financial responsibility to the child. It allows for a court to order the cohabitant to pay maintenance to support a dependent child who is under 18 years of age.
Rules

A dependent child is a child who:

Is under 18 years old or
Is over 18 and under 23 years old but is still in full-time education or
Is suffering from mental or physical disability to the extent that he or she cannot maintain himself or herself.

When the court is deciding whether to make a maintenance order in respect of a child, it will consider the income, earning capacity, property and other financial resources of both parties. It will also consider whether either party has other financial responsibilities such as a spouse or other dependent children.
The children of parents who are not married to each other may have to prove paternity in order to get their maintenance or inheritance entitlements. This is not necessary if the father acknowledges paternity or is named as the child's father on the child’s birth certificate.
You can find more information in our document on maintenance orders and on the Courts Service website.

tara73 · 11-09-2016 12:37PM

Shint0 wrote: »

The psychological impact and the bond in an unhealthy relationship can take time to undo, sometimes needing professional help becacuase of the complexity of emotions involved.

yeah, you got, it, he needs professional help. people here suggested it already, also in the last thread, hence my post what he expects from posting again, as we are here no professionals and obviously our advice doesn't help him as nothing has changed, it even gets worse.

OP, get out of this nightmare, if you can't manage on your own seek professional help from a counseller, I don't think anybody here can give you more feedback and insight in the situation than already done.

Sound Bite · 11-09-2016 03:26PM

OP, I really hope you can see that all of the posts here, even the harsher one, are all very well intended. Everyone is encouraging you to leave.

It's extremely hard to leave, to feel like you have invested so much time in something but the only thing that can change here is you. She never will. Don't give up on yourself by staying.

You are young. You have your whole life ahead of you. You still have plenty of time to meet someone else and have children if you want.

It's been said already but if your parents are anything like mine, they hate to interfere and will only do so if they think necessary. Your dad obviously can see you're not happy and he only wants the best for you.

Forget about the money. I think she'll have a hard time claiming any of it but even if she does so what? you are still better off without her.

Make a plan:
1. Talk to your dad
2. Speak to a counsellor
3. Find some place else to live
4. Move the money into a sole account when you are leaving
5. Cut off all contact with her and her family - change your number if you have to give yourself a clean break
6. Never go back

If you don't leave now, the longer you stay, the more difficult it will get, the more problems you will have and the more years you will have wasted.

Only you can decide to give yourself a better life. Please do it. I can guarantee you will be much better off.

To answer your question - yes you are wasting your life but it doesn't have to be like this. Leave, you have no good reason to stay.

Keyzer · 14-09-2016 04:00PM

Something tells me this is a BS thread. The account has 5 posts but none of them can be found anymore.

Account closed?

Lady Haywire · 14-09-2016 04:27PM

Keyzer wrote: »

Something tells me this is a BS thread. The account has 5 posts but none of them can be found anymore.

Account closed?

Posts in the Personal/Relationship Issues forums can't be found by using the ''Find all posts by X' function.

2012paddy2012 · 14-09-2016 04:37PM

Run. Sounds selfish. Takes no responsibility for basic tidy up cleanliness. Your trying for a baby is immature ..its obvious from your post ye are not suitable.

Ursus Horribilis · 14-09-2016 04:47PM

I remember a thread identical to this before -he used a different username. The sad thing is that the (same?) guy who opened that thread went away after a few posts and never came back. The same thing seems to have happened here. Nobody is obliged to come back and update us but unfortunately I don't think this guy has the strength to leave.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 14-09-2016 04:48PM

Look I think it's fairly obvious that you need to get out, and in your heart you know it. Do that ASAP, do it as neatly as possible, and for god's sake don't have sex with her because if she gets wind of this she might well be doing her level best to get pregnant to head it off.

Contact Amen, this relationship sounds at the very least abuse-adjacent. They can give you practical advice and support through this.

Going forward, and without meaning to blame you for this, some self-reflection or even counselling about how you ended up in this relationship would be a good idea, at least if a relationship is something you want in the future (and obviously give yourself time to recover from this one). Does she have traits in common with former girlfriends? Did you maybe not have much success in relationships before that and she came on really strong and blew you away? In hindsight were there 'red flags' at the start of the relationship which you ignored, and why did you ignore them? These are things you really should think about, this kind of person homes in on people they think they can use, be aware of it in the future. The dynamic of a sweet, passive man with an older, controlling, abusive woman is pretty common, I'm thinking of two examples that I know of in my wider social circle.

And on that note, once you make the break you'll probably be surprised at the support that's there for you in your other social relationships; there is no way the situation hasn't been noticed but people (maybe particularly men) are wary of meddling. Your dad's already reached out, I'd imagine your friends' reactions are going to be pretty fecking positive as well.

You are not alone, you are not crazy, and you not as trapped as she has you thinking you are, not by a long shot. Get her out of your head, and get her out of your life. Read this thread and really, really remember the posts that are speaking to you (conceal that fact from her though, ditto if you're googling amen or anything like that), don't let her get you turned around and talk you out of it. This will be hard, but it's the right thing to do. You're a young man, chin up and good luck.

Ursus Horribilis · 14-09-2016 05:06PM

Or if you're still following this thread and can't cope with that you're being advised, please do this one thing. Talk to your dad.

TommyWinter · 14-09-2016 11:30PM

I just want to say thanks to everyone for replying, offering advice and just taking time to read this.

I have been following this tread and I can't believe someone actually made the link that I had made a previous thread,

It's not that I don't want to follow the advice here, I just think that maybe I made it sound worse than it actually is, I am very confused

Last Friday morning I left for work and made the decision to break up, I decided I would just have a cooling off day where I wouldn't contact her but she never made contact with me either. I gave a little bit of indication I was going to my parents, I stayed away most of Saturday and returned that night,

We have broke up in the past and she immediately jumps into crazy person mode.

There was a stage in our relationship where she was always in crazy mode, just over controlling after a few break ups, which lasted an hour or so she rolled it back, I think things are good now but it's because she hasn't demonstrated that crazy side of her in a long time (although there was a point last week she it creep out briefly when we were alone), there was one point where I wasn't allowed move if I sat on the couch, if I had my hand on my lap she would move it and say I had to keep it in this place, and I'd be like piss off, but she'd go nuts, there was other stuff like I wasn't allowed drink or go out, she hit me once because she thought I was late home because I was talking to girls, there was a few small incidents of hitting but that was a long time ago

I don't really drink much and am very busy in work, I have just noticed the last few months have gone by in a haze and I am slightly disengaged with life outside of work, but this is mostly how it has been over the last few years.

Last weekend I spoke with my dad, I never rant about her in front of anyone so this thread was good to let off steam but I think it had me wound up and my dad asked me about houses I was looking at and I just went on a rant about herself, and he just got really mad, saying that's total dependency and why are you meant to take care of all this, I just left it at that, I still don't think this relationship is totally wrong, I have stopped trying for a child, I realize it is careless to bring a child into a relationship I am having doubts about, in the next few weeks I will have a house bought, I will be responsible for it and I will be responsible for ensuring I am working, if I die, I have life assurance that will guarantee her a house, if anything happens to her I will be left with a mortgage and kids, (this is a very selfish way of looking at things) but I have paid off loans for her in the past with the promise she would be available to join in on a mortgage with me,

Just on the matter of her working, I also realized she did have paid work while she was dating me, but quit the job within 6 weeks of meeting up with me, this is actually something I never thought about.

I have made an appointment to speak to someone through the healthcare system in work.

I do a lot of things that would be considered bad patterns, I am overweight but I exercise regularly, I generally eat well but when I get down or feel unhappy I just eat rubbish, I do have a poor self image, I am just ranting and it is great to get it off mt chest but honestly I don't know what I want, I could be alone for years, it might affect my work, I am in a stressful job, and I worry I may need to take time out, I just feel too weak to make a decision, and if I do I will feel like a liar, acting out a lie, our friends will think I never had an interest or was selfish, but I have seen other relationships break down and never felt like either party was to blame.

I really feel like a lot of people here care for me and my situation, and I thank you for that, I am listening and will attempt to take your comments onboard, I will be speaking with someone soon, I will keep ye guys updated.

Shint0 · 14-09-2016 11:43PM

I think you are starting to get some clarity on the situation now by posting here and talking with your father. You are taking all the right steps now by arranging to talk with someone which hopefully will help you further. It's very common for people in this type of relationship to say they love their partner but deep down they know things are not right and are not normal.

Hopefully you will continue with that same courage you seem to be gathering now to put yourself first. Don't make any decisions to include your girlfriend in the house until you have talked everything through with other people first. Cutting the cord can be difficult but trust in yourself and believe that you deserve better than what you wrote in your thread as to how your girlfriend treats you.

Sound Bite · 15-09-2016 12:01AM

Op, you didn't make it sound worse than it is. The situation really is that bad. Even if you had left out 90% of what you posted, we would all still be giving you the same advice.

I think you need to accept that this is domestic violence. There are numerous indicators, she's controlling, manipulating, belittling, takes financial advantage, and is both mentally and physically abusive.

It's probably been posted already but here's the link to Amem, please go to the 'what to look out for' section and answer the questions honestly . perhaps contact them for advice.

http://www.amen.ie/q_and_a.html

You've taken two big steps forward already - speaking to your dad and booking an employee support session. Keep going with this.

Ursus Horribilis · 15-09-2016 12:05AM

I remember your previous thread because it resonated deeply with me. These sorts of threads do for personal reasons. A member of my family married a woman who doesn't sound all that different to your girlfriend. We all could see from early on that this woman was bad news but unfortunately he married her. The marriage is gone a few years now and my relative is a broken man both mentally and financially. Worse still there is a child involved so he's tied forever to his ex. It's funny that you mention about not being allowed to move on the sofa. She did that to him too. She hit him, accused him of all sorts of things and was crazy at times too. It's terrifying to read that you think that this relationship is any way "normal" or not as bad as you've portrayed it as. Trust me, it is dysfunctional and it is toxic and it will end in tears if you're not careful.

I desperately hope for your sake that the counselling service in your job comes up with an appointment very quickly. I dread to think about the long-term repercussions for you if you buy that house. I really do.

Richmond Ultra · 15-09-2016 12:15AM

Go for the counselling. Have any of your friends been in a similar scenario? This could be a good way to help you as they should know you very well.

Shint0 · 15-09-2016 12:56AM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I dread to think about the long-term repercussions for you if you buy that house. I really do.

Exactly! By involving her in the house he will be giving away even more power to her and already he's feeling power-less as it is. Not a good idea, OP. Trust me!

Also don't let the fact that you think you are overweight prevent you in anyway from leaving the relationship. You are probably eating rubbish food as you put it due to comfort eating from being in the relationship in the first place so lots of things will fall into place once you get yourself into a stronger position. As you seem like a good guy I think other women will recognise that and not all women place strong emphasis on looks. You sound like you have a lot to give in the right relationship but this one just doesn't sound right for you or anybody for that matter.

Ursus Horribilis · 15-09-2016 01:09AM

Question for you, OP. Are you 100% happy, without a doubt, not costing you sleep at night, certain that this house purchase you're going through with is the right thing to do for now? I get the impression that you're caught up in something you feel powerless to stop. A house purchase is most likely to be the biggest, most expensive thing you will ever buy in your life and if you have any doubts whatsoever about it, now is the time to back out. If you intend to go ahead with the purchase, please will you do one thing. Get legal advice from your solicitor. The way you're sleepwalking into this is terrifying.

orthsquel · 15-09-2016 12:19PM

TommyWinter wrote: »

I have made an appointment to speak to someone through the healthcare system in work.

Well done on taking some steps for you OP!

TommyWinter wrote: »

I still don't think this relationship is totally wrong, I have stopped trying for a child, I realize it is careless to bring a child into a relationship I am having doubts about, in the next few weeks I will have a house bought, I will be responsible for it and I will be responsible for ensuring I am working, if I die, I have life assurance that will guarantee her a house, if anything happens to her I will be left with a mortgage and kids, (this is a very selfish way of looking at things) but I have paid off loans for her in the past with the promise she would be available to join in on a mortgage with me,

It is worth reminding yourself of what you said in your opening post re house buying:

TommyWinter wrote: »

I have a well paid job, my girlf has high expectations for the standard of house 'we' want, I feel like I almost out of the input into buying

Do you even want to buy a house OP? You sound like you are going through the motions, with other people's expectations. I'll echo what someone already has said, if you have any doubts about buying a house, hold off, you can still back out of it. I think it will be adding a complication even in your decision making about your relationship if you go ahead and buy with your head in doubts with the relationship - it'll add to the burden of responsibility and I think it's the last thing you need. Where you are at right now is a good place to make a clean break where should you end the relationship, the only responsibility you will have is to yourself.

TommyWinter wrote: »

I do a lot of things that would be considered bad patterns, I am overweight but I exercise regularly, I generally eat well but when I get down or feel unhappy I just eat rubbish, I do have a poor self image, I am just ranting and it is great to get it off mt chest but honestly I don't know what I want, I could be alone for years, it might affect my work, I am in a stressful job, and I worry I may need to take time out, I just feel too weak to make a decision, and if I do I will feel like a liar, acting out a lie, our friends will think I never had an interest or was selfish, but I have seen other relationships break down and never felt like either party was to blame

Weight, food, all things that can be worked on over time. Don't worry about these things, working on your self image will come with time. Don't worry about what other people will think - what matters here is you and your happiness, your well-being.

I think keeping things simple right now might be a good idea. I think you have done the right thing in not trying for a baby while you are having doubts about the relationship. And I think that should be extended to buying a house too. But in keeping things simple you are giving yourself space... space to go to counselling, space even to contact Amen and get support, space to focus on you, space to have a few more chats with your dad. He is on your side, and I hope you understand that he is not upset at you, but for you because of the situation you are in and wants the best for you. I still think there is a pillar of support in him.

Ursus Horribilis · 15-09-2016 01:02PM

Right up until contracts are signed, you can walk away from a house purchase. If you're still in this position, please postpone signing anything until you've talked to the counsellor in work. There will be other houses if you walk away from this one. It's not the end of the world if you don't buy this one.

kylith · 15-09-2016 04:14PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Right up until contracts are signed, you can walk away from a house purchase. If you're still in this position, please postpone signing anything until you've talked to the counsellor in work. There will be other houses if you walk away from this one. It's not the end of the world if you don't buy this one.

Especially as, OP, I don't believe due to your remark about your gf having definite ideas about the house that it is the house you would choose if it were up to you. Even if you wind up staying with her, which I don't recommend, she doesn't work; she doesn't have to worry about proximity to a job and she won't be paying the mortgage. You get the last say about the house.

However if you buy it and she moves in she then WOULD have a case for maintenance if you sulu subsequently break up.

secman · 15-09-2016 04:28PM

You sound desperately unhappy with your personal life at the moment, but thankfully little alarm bells are sounding off and deep down you probably know what you need to do. You need to take a step back from the house purchase and more importantly from trying for a baby, these 2, if you go ahead will change the current situation immensely, and will potentially cause you much more unhappiness. You are not in a normal relationship by any stretch of imagination. In a normal relationship a new home and baby bring immense happiness and joy and pride. But happiness, joy and pride are far from you now. It's not too late now, deep down you know that, it's why you are posting here and seeking advice.

LegacyUser · 15-09-2016 05:35PM

Some questions OP to clarify things for yourself, there seems to be very conflicting thoughts in your mind bout the situation. Be honest with yourself.
What does she do during the day and why have you been happy to accommodate her, does she pay for herself with her dole?
Has she talked about getting work, what do you think are her intentions, or were her intentions before this idea of a baby? Does she just not get on that well with people in general and hides from having to go to work? Has she confidence issues?
Is there a part of you that enjoys looking after your woman, providing for her, having her always there? Some men like that, but then when the reality of settling down nowadays hits, it becomes rather difficult to sustain. She is very dependant on you and the money is short.
Is there a big difference in looks? some men when they go out with someone who believe is 'out of their league', end up doing everything for the woman who knows this and kind of takes advantage, no badness intended it just happens and they can be somewhat spoiled/entitled because of the way they've been treated through their life.
Have you sat down and told her the relationship is very one sided and she needs to work, otherwise you will need to leave. Let her go crazy. You're not alone there in the house, she won't go too mad when her parents are there. Tell her all this calmly.

sReq | uTeK · 18-09-2016 12:58AM

TommyWinter wrote: »

I just want to say thanks to everyone for replying, offering advice and just taking time to read this.

I have been following this tread and I can't believe someone actually made the link that I had made a previous thread,

It's not that I don't want to follow the advice here, I just think that maybe I made it sound worse than it actually is, I am very confused

Last Friday morning I left for work and made the decision to break up, I decided I would just have a cooling off day where I wouldn't contact her but she never made contact with me either. I gave a little bit of indication I was going to my parents, I stayed away most of Saturday and returned that night,

We have broke up in the past and she immediately jumps into crazy person mode.

There was a stage in our relationship where she was always in crazy mode, just over controlling after a few break ups, which lasted an hour or so she rolled it back, I think things are good now but it's because she hasn't demonstrated that crazy side of her in a long time (although there was a point last week she it creep out briefly when we were alone), there was one point where I wasn't allowed move if I sat on the couch, if I had my hand on my lap she would move it and say I had to keep it in this place, and I'd be like piss off, but she'd go nuts, there was other stuff like I wasn't allowed drink or go out, she hit me once because she thought I was late home because I was talking to girls, there was a few small incidents of hitting but that was a long time ago

I don't really drink much and am very busy in work, I have just noticed the last few months have gone by in a haze and I am slightly disengaged with life outside of work, but this is mostly how it has been over the last few years.

Last weekend I spoke with my dad, I never rant about her in front of anyone so this thread was good to let off steam but I think it had me wound up and my dad asked me about houses I was looking at and I just went on a rant about herself, and he just got really mad, saying that's total dependency and why are you meant to take care of all this, I just left it at that, I still don't think this relationship is totally wrong, I have stopped trying for a child, I realize it is careless to bring a child into a relationship I am having doubts about, in the next few weeks I will have a house bought, I will be responsible for it and I will be responsible for ensuring I am working, if I die, I have life assurance that will guarantee her a house, if anything happens to her I will be left with a mortgage and kids, (this is a very selfish way of looking at things) but I have paid off loans for her in the past with the promise she would be available to join in on a mortgage with me,

Just on the matter of her working, I also realized she did have paid work while she was dating me, but quit the job within 6 weeks of meeting up with me, this is actually something I never thought about.

I have made an appointment to speak to someone through the healthcare system in work.

I do a lot of things that would be considered bad patterns, I am overweight but I exercise regularly, I generally eat well but when I get down or feel unhappy I just eat rubbish, I do have a poor self image, I am just ranting and it is great to get it off mt chest but honestly I don't know what I want, I could be alone for years, it might affect my work, I am in a stressful job, and I worry I may need to take time out, I just feel too weak to make a decision, and if I do I will feel like a liar, acting out a lie, our friends will think I never had an interest or was selfish, but I have seen other relationships break down and never felt like either party was to blame.

I really feel like a lot of people here care for me and my situation, and I thank you for that, I am listening and will attempt to take your comments onboard, I will be speaking with someone soon, I will keep ye guys updated.

I'm sorry mate but you're on cloud 9. You're a simpleton if you don't leave this girl.

I'm beginning to think this is a bit of a piss take. No sane person could write what you wrote and go back to the person. I'm also perplexed as to why someone with a "decent salary" is under the impression he would have to split "HIS" savings with someone who contributed nothing towards it.

Am I wasting my Life?

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