Birth family at wedding - Anyone been through this?

JoePie

Hey all.

So I tracked down my birth mam about 3 years ago with the help of the HSE. Everything is well and good there. I see them regularly enough, we get on fine, etc., etc.

Fast forward to now, and I'm engaged. Obviously, I would like to have all families at the wedding in some shape or form.

Still early days yet on the planning, but we reckon we won't go with a top table so as not to put anyone out. I broached the subject of a parents meetup with both of my mams and my fiance's parents, and neither was into the idea. I was hoping to get them in a room together before the wedding to hopefully make it less awkward at the actual wedding should they bump into each other or something. I'm not going to force them into a room together either way.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or been around it in any way? Should I just treat it as if there's a step-family that doesn't get along with the other family? Don't have to have this sorted for a while yet, but just looking for ideas around how to begin handling this.

Ghekko

Great that you are in a relationship with your birth family. Were your adoptive parents supportive of this? It would be very important for all to have met prior to the wedding. Could you just invite them all round to your house for dinner some weekend and let them all know that it is very important to you that they do this for you. Dh met his bmum last year. We were invited to his sisters wedding a few months later - while it's a different scenario to yours I just want to say it was fairly nerve wrecking knowing we were going to meet lots of new relatives. We did get to meet a few beforehand which made it easier on the day itself. I think it would be very stressful on you if your mums were to first meet on the day of your wedding. You would be torn on the day trying to spend time with both sides without offending anyone! Both families are a hugely important part of your life and they all need to realise this and make an effort to get to meet each other before your big day.

JoePie

Adoptive parents haven't voiced any problems with it anyway. Just seems like the whole thing is a sore subject for everyone involved. I get it like. I can imagine it's not an easy thing for any mother to meet the woman who raised her child, or for a mother to meet the woman who gave birth to her child.

Sure plenty of time yet anyway. Worse comes to worse, I'll seat them at complete ends of the room or something.

uck51js9zml2yt

A friend tracked down his father whom he'd never seen and he was at his wedding. Not quiet an adoption situation but it didn't cause any issues

JoePie

The missus organised some engagement drinks nonsense for next week and both mams were invited and are going. They're also painfully aware of who will be there, but sure we'll see what happens.

Ragnar Lothbrok

JoePie wrote: »

The missus organised some engagement drinks nonsense for next week and both mams were invited and are going. They're also painfully aware of who will be there, but sure we'll see what happens.

That's a great start. Hopefully this will make both your mams a little more relaxed around each other. Maybe if you organise another couple of informal events before the wedding, they will become totally comfortable with the situation.

You seem to be making all the right moves so far, and I really hope everything turns out well and that you have a great wedding that everyone can enjoy.

Hermy

Hopefully this first meeting goes well and everyone realises there's nothing to fear and then ye can all enjoy the wedding.

doubtfir3

All of the kids in my family are adopted, and my brother has met with his BM and her family.

He was invited to her brother's (I think!) wedding about two years ago, and while it all went reasonably well he did mention to me that he had noticed a little whispering/nods/nudges.. but all in all, he didn't let it bother him and neither did those who matter.

He had a good day with his newly extended family and was happy with the way it all went.

I am getting married next year and am facing a similar situation.. though I haven't progressed to a reunion yet.. I'm half way there but my BM has pulled back for now which is difficult for me, but I'm also left wondering now if the person I want to have at my wedding can/will be there..

I guess OP, without me hijacking your thread, all I can really say is that I can see the day as requiring some sensitivity from your family, your BM (and any guests she has with her) and of course to think about seating etc.

Speaking with a few aunts and uncles who you know will do their best to include her might be no harm.. work to ensure that she has a good day and that you all do.. keep her away from "certain" types of guests.. the nosy aunt etc etc.. and you can have her there with you for your day.

I do think that meeting before hand is of course important, but if possible I'd suggest that you might see about your BM and AM meeting before your drinks night (even if it is just the two of them and you for example) would be a good idea.. meeting for the first time will be an emotional experience so having an audience might not be best for them.

JoePie

Well, they met on Saturday evening and everything was fine. Couple of tears, they made fun of me, and then I left them to chat. Didn't kill each other anyway, so off to a good start.

Ragnar Lothbrok

JoePie wrote: »

Well, they met on Saturday evening and everything was fine. Couple of tears, they made fun of me, and then I left them to chat. Didn't kill each other anyway, so off to a good start.

Delighted for you all

It's a great sign that they "made fun of" you. A good laugh at your expense is a great way for your two mothers to bond

Ghekko

That's great news - bet they felt as much relief as you do now that the ice has been broken.