Want to help Husband

LegacyUser

My husband is a wonderful man, he is kind, caring, intelligent, funny...he is my best friend and I cannot describe how much I love him.

The issue is that he has some social issues...one of his siblings has Asperger Syndrome, so I suspect that there may be an element of this at play. He finds social interaction very difficult. He cannot seem to read basic social situations, doesn't understand what is the wrong or right thing to say and is so insensitive that it is breath-taking. He is all of these things with me, but I understand what he means...he told me yesterday that I looked unbelievably rough but that he still loved me (this is a fact, I did. No offence taken). When he is asked a question, he tends to stare intently at someone for a period of time before he answers. This is especially noticeable during times when he/ they may be under pressure. People obviously do not react well to this. A simple question/ favour that is requested when there is a stressful situation (like asking for a lift) can be met with a reaction that infuriates people. He regularly seems to imply that people are thick (he is very intelligent and sometimes just wants to tell people about something interesting that he has read). He doesn't understand what is happening sometimes...he mistakes people being sad/ upset as them being angry.

He has some great friends who just laugh off his odd behavior and don't take any notice of the stuff that e comes out with. He has issues with work. He was recently shouted at during a meeting because he stayed silent (he didn't know how to read the situation so decided not to say anything) which resulted in a coworker being pulled up in front of HR. He has terrible issues with putting his foot in it and being very paranoid about people being angry with him, etc.

I really want to help him in a practical way, but I just don't know how to. He struggles so much with the basics of social interaction. Does anyone have any good advice/ practical solutions?

December2012

Does he want help?

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Does he want help?

Yes! I try where I can to encourage, comfort and support but this is well beyond me. He asks for help and guidance that I can't really give.

December2012

Maybe he should see a doctor and discuss a diagnosis?

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Maybe he should see a doctor and discuss a diagnosis?

This would be the ideal action but he is refusing to even contemplate it. If I could get him some practical help and work through the doctor issue, it would be great.

gline

Frustrated Husband wrote: »

This would be the ideal action but he is refusing to even contemplate it. If I could get him some practical help and work through the doctor issue, it would be great.

Whats his reasoning for not getting professional help? Can he not see you are unable to help him as his issues are too big?

December2012

You can't help him Unless he himself actually tu His there is a problem.

silverbolt

His social behaviour would certainly indicate Aspergic traits.

And i also understand his reluctance to get diagnosed to be labeled as Autistic, to have it confirmed that he is a "retard" going be "licking windows" and "dribbling into his porridge" Social stigma towards Aspergers is still quite strong.

His co worker was very much in the wrong to shout at him like that whether Aspergic or not.

OP to reiterate glines question - why will he not get help?

LegacyUser

gline wrote: »

Whats his reasoning for not getting professional help? Can he not see you are unable to help him as his issues are too big?

He doesn't see that he is the problem. He really doesn't grasp the bigger picture that his personality/ behaviour is 100% the issue.

I end up losing my temper with him and screaming at him with frustration at times. I think that he is actually worse with family, because he can really be himself. I will have a conversation with him about something important, normally relating to his behaviour. For example, when he is tired of watching tv, he will turn it off...which is fine if he is on his own but when there are other people there, it is not ok. I explain why I am feel that his behaviour is unacceptable, that it is rude, inconsiderate, etc. I will go into detail about how it makes me feel, etc. He just looks puzzled and says that he did nothing wrong, he was tired of watching it. I am a patient person, but he really tries my patience. We had a huge argument recently because he is refusing to budge on something really stupid (which brand of coffee to buy). I hate one, it is vile but cheap. He likes the more expensive option that I like but doesn't want to pay for it. We have a combined income of €80k, we can afford €2 more for a bloody jar of instant. He just refuses to budge on it though...but sees it as my issue not his. I get frustrated, he gets frustrated, his family and coworkers get frustrated, but he still sees it as not relating to him.

I am worn out.

rock22

Frustrated Husband wrote: »

He doesn't see that he is the problem. He really doesn't grasp the bigger picture that his personality/ behaviour is 100% the issue.

I end up losing my temper with him and screaming at him with frustration at times. I think that he is actually worse with family, because he can really be himself. I will have a conversation with him about something important, normally relating to his behaviour. For example, when he is tired of watching tv, he will turn it off...which is fine if he is on his own but when there are other people there, it is not ok. I explain why I am feel that his behaviour is unacceptable, that it is rude, inconsiderate, etc. I will go into detail about how it makes me feel, etc. He just looks puzzled and says that he did nothing wrong, he was tired of watching it. I am a patient person, but he really tries my patience. We had a huge argument recently because he is refusing to budge on something really stupid (which brand of coffee to buy). I hate one, it is vile but cheap. He likes the more expensive option that I like but doesn't want to pay for it. We have a combined income of €80k, we can afford €2 more for a bloody jar of instant. He just refuses to budge on it though...but sees it as my issue not his. I get frustrated, he gets frustrated, his family and coworkers get frustrated, but he still sees it as not relating to him.

I am worn out.

In a previous post you said "He asks for help and guidance that I can't really give." So I am unclear if he really does acknowledge he has a problem.

From your description, he just seems very self centred ( switching off tv when others are watching) and stubborn ( coffee issue). For the later, I suggest you buy the better one for yourself and let him use the cheaper one if that is his choice. You might find he starts to use the better coffee.

While not doubting that his behavior might indicate some medical issues i don't think you can out-rule just bad behavior.

MartyMcFly84

He sounds a lot about my brother who does have Aspergers. He is mild enough on the spectrum so he was not actually diagnosed until he was almost 30.

He knows he has a syndrome but he forgets it and it prone to getting over excited and angry over small things, and finds it difficult empathise with others. He has said some terrible thing to those closest to him like my parents and I never understood how he could say things like that,it drove me away from him for a long time. It wasn't until he was diagnosed that a lot of his traits started to make sense, and I changed the way I acted around him.

Perhaps it would be worth going and seeing some professional advice together. Diagnoses is key in my opinion to start managing the syndrome as much as possible.

I found I really had to pick my battles, as reasoning on a rationale level will not work in certain situations.

December2012

I don't think you can do anything by yourself. You cannot help anybody who won't help them self. If he won't go to the dr, then you can't do anything for him.