Problems with my wife

jacksn

Hi All,

I have been with my wife for over 12 years, married for the last 5. We have no kids and age 38.

I have always suffered from anxiety and have been dealing with it myself, going to see a therapist every week for the past year, Ive always had little to no confidence or self-esteem. Anything my wife would do I would always agree with and never ask questions or argue.

My wife works for her parents and has done for the past 10 years, she always says she hates the job and wishes she could do something else, she is more than experienced in her role and could get a job easily.. problem is she is always putting herself down and never applying for anything plus she says she doesnt want to let her parents down, fair enough I guess. Ive never said anything beyond telling her she should go look for another job but she never does.

In terms of our relationship, she always signs up for night courses, short diplomas to as she say7s "try and better myself" in the hope she would get a job elsewhere. I think this is great and fully supported, while the courses were on it always affected our relationship. sleepless nights studying, no sex, no intimacy, no holidays, no social life and anything I have suggested to do - "no i have to study" was always the excuse.. I rolled with it for the past few years, didn't want to put her under any pressure etc.

The thing is I found out last year that she has never completed any of these courses, she never sat the exam or presented a project, in other words a complete waste of time. I didnt confront her about it and let it be. Also I started becoming concerned about fertility and having a kid, so since February we are currently undergoing fertility programme (not ivf a holistic programme) thats all fine and we have been working on it.

In April this year, she said she was signing up for another short course, 8 weeks in the evening.. When she told me this I said that you have to promise that you will finish it and do the exam and hand in any projects.. She completed the course and still hasn't handed in the project, its 2 months late.. apparently the course as said she can hand it in anytime.. but its not the point. Now if I say, lets go for a walk warm sunny day "no i have to study/finish my course" cycle again and again.

Now I am undergoing therapy, my confidence is much better and I have the self esteem to ask questions and be upfront (Im not aggressive or arrogant). She has now enrolled into a 2-year masters degree in a University, she went to the enrollment meeting on Monday just gone but didnt tell me she was going to the meeting.

When i asked her about it last night and said "Can you honestly commit to a 2year masters when you have never finished any fo the 6 previous short night courses?" she started crying, blaming me for everything, knocking her confidence saying I dont think she is capable.. list goes on

She has fooled her family and friends by talking all the time about these courses, none of them no that its all bull* and she has never completed one of them so now Im the bad guy.

Thing is, I dont think she is more than capable but she is strangled by her parents and their employment.

I dont know what to do, shes not talking to me and Im so tired of these constant games.. personally i think she uses night courses as a wedge between us and i think this Masters is the Ace of Spades so the whole fertility thing will be forgotten about and we will be 40 with no Masters degree and another 2 years wasted. I said to her in the past I didnt want to have kids past 40 (i know its still possible and all that)

I honestly feel like getting out of the relationship for once, tired of all these lies, games, not speaking, fighting and to and fro all the time. I would really love to get on with my own life.

embraer170

You don't tell us if you love her?

You have no kids, she is employed (so not dependant on you) and has lied to you and the rest of her family repeatedly about the courses. She lied to you once again about the Master's. At the same time, you don't spend much quality time together, weekends, walks, holidays.

Why not get out while you can.

bobdcow

Would you be in a position to do the same course as her and team up with her and both of ye work together to finish the next course and hand in the assignments.

If you work with her, she could finish the course, better herself, gain confidence and maybe go on to complete the Masters??

jacksn

embraer170 wrote: »

You don't tell us if you love her?

sorry yes I do love her

jacksn

bobdcow wrote: »

Would you be in a position to do the same course as her and team up with her and both of ye work together to finish the next course and hand in the assignments.

If you work with her, she could finish the course, better herself, gain confidence and maybe go on to complete the Masters??

I have my own business which used to be a busy supplier of her parents business and we ended up talking shop all day and in bed at night so I stopped being a supplier as I wanted to separate our relationship

I wouldnt want to do a course with her as it would take over our lives 24/7 and I have no interest in the subjects

Idle Passerby

In general 8-10 week evening courses are very basic and not attached to any formal qualifications. So the fact she would need to be staying up late studying seems unlikely. The fact that the prividers of the most recent course are not concerned about whether she submits her project bears this out. So her being too busy with them for intimacy strikes me as an obvious excuse.

But that's all beside the point. It seems to me from what you've said that your wife enjoys taking these courses more than she enjoys the thought of starting a family or working on your relationship issues or even progressing her career outside the family business.

It's possible she doesn't want a child at all and this talk of doing a master's is an avoidance tactic.

embraer170

bobdcow wrote: »

Would you be in a position to do the same course as her and team up with her and both of ye work together to finish the next course and hand in the assignments.

If you work with her, she could finish the course, better herself, gain confidence and maybe go on to complete the Masters??

That sounds nice and all but how would it solve the problem of her lacking respect for her husband by lying to him. Ok, she's not lying to him about another man but even lying about not completing all these courses she is signing up for (and using as an excuse to not have a normal family life) is pretty serious.

jacksn

jacksn wrote: »

I dont know what to do, shes not talking to me and Im so tired of these constant games.. personally i think she uses night courses as a wedge between us and i think this Masters is the Ace of Spades so the whole fertility thing will be forgotten about and we will be 40 with no Masters degree and another 2 years wasted. I said to her in the past I didnt want to have kids past 40 (i know its still possible and all that)

I honestly feel like getting out of the relationship for once, tired of all these lies, games, not speaking, fighting and to and fro all the time. I would really love to get on with my own life.

It's amazing what can fester over years and years and finally end up in this place. Does your wife have any idea of how unhappy you are? Have you talked to her about that?

You've been on a fertility programme since February with no success, which can't be easy on either of you but is it not implicit that she wants to have a child and maybe the Masters is a reaction to the lack of success?

All of the things you mention about her family and her courses are important but you're not addressing these problems by asking her if she can "honestly commit to a 2 year masters when [she has] never finished any fo the 6 previous short night courses". You're not addressing the real problem and it's not unfair of her to have interpreted that as criticism of her abilities.

It's clear that you (the couple) are in dire need of marriage counselling. Consider that before you "go nuclear" and get on with your own life.

LegacyUser

Idle Passerby wrote: »

It's possible she doesn't want a child at all and this talk of doing a master's is an avoidance tactic.

we are currently undergoing fertility programme (not ivf a holistic programme)

Was "Holistic" her suggestion? A scientifically based method might have too much chance of success maybe?

strandroad

It feels like your wife has huge issues with self-esteem and confidence. Working for her parents she has never developed her own confidence so she is doing all these courses to prove to herself that she is indeed capable and proactive, but then her lack of self-esteem kicks in and she does not take them to completion because she is probably terrified of being assessed (and terrified to admit it). She would like to prove herself by finding an independent job but is too scared to even put herself out there. She has the same issues around trying for a baby - wanting it, but feeling too incompetent and afraid at the same time so her attempts are only half-hearted.

You noticed some of it over the years but dealing with your own anxiety problems you couldn't be of help to her to build herself up so she's in a hole and it now affects all areas of her life. If she was a parent now it would be the same.

Counselling for her is what you should do right away... it's long overdue. She needs to work on her issues and then you need to learn to neutralise them as a couple.

jacksn

Thanks for your comments

My own counsellor has suggested couples therapy but i am more inclined for her to go herself, I did suggest it in the past but she has said she didnt want to because she would be afraid of what might come out (feelings, emotions, towards me, her parents, herself) but it is getting to the stage now where its becoming a crisis.

On the fertility thing and not having any success; this is down to the fact we have had sex 3 times since February.. In 2015, we had sex 1 time.. once for the year..

Since february, the 3 occasions were not planned, drunk shags would be the best way to define it in no simpler terms. So i dont know why we are on the programme, what makes it worse is everyone like friends and family who know asking how its going and i have to answer between gritted teeth.

Dial Hard

jacksn wrote:

On the fertility thing and not having any success; this is down to the fact we have had sex 3 times since February.. In 2015, we had sex 1 time.. once for the year..

Honestly OP I think bringing a baby into your marriage as it currently stands would be a huge mistake so perhaps ending the course would be the wisest choice at this moment in time.

I'm not sure what kind of fertility course (holistic or otherwise) wouldn't have brought up your lack of sex life long before now anyway.

jacksn

jacksn wrote: »

what makes it worse is everyone like friends and family who know asking how its going and i have to answer between gritted teeth.

Thanks yes its a holistic course and I only went to or was invited to one meeting with them, she has been to many.

The meeting I went to wasn't her first and the therapist never asked about sex or trying to me.. I was wishing they would and I would have told the truth but they never did.

Dial Hard

jacksn wrote:

The meeting I went to wasn't her first and the therapist never asked about sex or trying to me.. I was wishing they would and I would have told the truth but they never did.

Sounds like a very odd fertility course to me.

Anyway, my point stands. You need to sort your marriage out before you even consider kids so perhaps the fact that this course sounds as dodgy as hell is a blessing in disguise. I suggest counselling for your wife in her own right and couples counselling for you both.

jacksn

jacksn wrote: »

My own counsellor has suggested couples therapy but i am more inclined for her to go herself

Why? What good would it do for her to go to couples therapy on her own??

jacksn wrote: »

Anything my wife would do I would always agree with and never ask questions or argue.

Ive never said anything beyond telling her she should go look for another job but she never does.

I rolled with it for the past few years, didn't want to put her under any pressure etc.

I didnt confront her about it and let it be

the therapist never asked about sex or trying to me.. I was wishing they would and I would have told the truth but they never did.

There's a sense of passiveness running through your posts. Your counselling seems to have helped a lot and now you're surprised that you don't want to continue with things the way they are and upset that your wife does.

She may very well have her own issues but they're not necessarily yours to resolve.

However, if you want to save the marriage, I strongly suggest you follow your counsellors advice.

gline

Deleted User wrote: »

Why? What good would it do for her to go to couples therapy on her own??

I think he meant he'd rather she get personal therapy first before doing couples therapy

gline

gline wrote: »

I think he meant he'd rather she get personal therapy first before doing couples therapy

Sure, I kind of guessed that but I'm trying to tease out why he's more concerned with her getting therapy than couples counselling.

gline

Deleted User wrote: »

Sure, I kind of guessed that but I'm trying to tease out why he's more concerned with her getting therapy than couples counselling.

Because she clearly has a lot of personal issues that are best looked into on a 1 to 1 basis. I dont think she will be able to fix any problems with the relationship before doing this, maybe?

gline

gline wrote: »

Because she clearly has a lot of personal issues that are best looked into on a 1 to 1 basis. I dont think she will be able to fix any problems with the relationship before doing this, maybe?

Perhaps but, as I said, these aren't his to resolve, he can't make her go to counselling.

And if the choice is between the OP leaving the relationship, as he says he's prepared to do, without attempting couples counselling and actually trying couples counselling with his wife, I (and his own counsellor) would recommend at least trying couples counselling. I don't see why this is a problem for him.

jacksn

Deleted User wrote: »

Perhaps but, as I said, these aren't his to resolve, he can't make her go to counselling.

And if the choice is between the OP leaving the relationship, as he says he's prepared to do, without attempting couples counselling and actually trying couples counselling with his wife, I (and his own counsellor) would recommend at least trying couples counselling. I don't see why this is a problem for him.

Its not a problem for me, I am open to doing couples but I think her issues are more serious and would be better solved without me or anyone else been there so she can be more honest and talk to someone.

jacksn

jacksn wrote: »

Its not a problem for me, I am open to doing couples but I think her issues are more serious and would be better solved without me or anyone else been there so she can be more honest and talk to someone.

Well, again, this is beyond your control, couples counselling is not.

And, again, if the choice is between you leaving the relationship without attempting couples counselling and actually trying couples counselling with your wife, I would recommend you at least try this approach.

You said, when asked, that you love her. Are you IN love with her?

As I said before, there's an air of resignation and passiveness about you. What exactly is it that you want?

jacksn

Deleted User wrote: »

Are you IN love with her?

As I said before, there's an air of resignation and passiveness about you. What exactly is it that you want?

Thanks, yes i do love her am i in love with her?.. Im not sure, maybe i am and I dont know it or maybe im not which i why I feel like i do.

The resignation is because I feel let down when she promised me she would finish the last course before embarking on another, a major endeavor with a Maters degree not like a short course and me after a year of my own battles realising that this is all feels like a ruse and that i should just cut cords and just go. Also that I know her for over 10 years and know exactly why she is the way she is but ive stood back for so long that im tired of it continuing.

If we go to couples therapy, will it be a head nodding session in there and then go back to the way it is now?, Im trying to salvage something and last thing I want is a divorce but trying to hold onto nothing is very difficult.

Yellow pack crisps

Truly great you are sorting your own issues and getting help for them and you are able to express yourself in a more honest and transparent manner! Fair dues!

But your wife knows you as someone else for right or wrong and now that person has changed and is basically threatening her instead of encouraging her. The goal posts have moved. Not once in your post has what you wrote about her come across as caring, loving or nourishing. Your wife sounds full of self doubt, low esteem and full of self hatred! And no one seems to be telling her it's ok you have my support and love and you(we) will get through this together!

Is it just a case that as you become stronger and better that you see your wife as someone she has always been but are now just realising it?

If you want to save the marriage then treat her with love, compassion and support and knock the baby thing on the head until you know you have a healthy environment to bring one into.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think you have any fertility issues. In order to get pregnant, you have to have sex at the right time of the month. Sex once a year is not a problem with fertility, it's a problem with sex. The holistic course or whatever it is is just another course for your wife. Another distraction. I think you do need to talk to her, and you need to lay it out. Whether or not you have changed is probably irrelevant. Your marriage is on serious trouble. And it still would have been in trouble even if you didn't work through your own anxiety problems.

I think it's make or break time. Without children it would be easy (er) to make a clean break of it. I sense that you would at least like to try. Would your wife agree to marriage counselling? If she would then go. Working on her individually might come later. It might not. But working through your problems as a couple can't do any harm. You might need to face the fact that she just can't subscribe to what a marriage should be and that, much like all the courses, she just wants the appearance of a successful marriage without following it through.

I also think she is very afraid of failing or being judged and that is why she'll never put herself forward. Won't complete assignments. Won't apply for jobs. Won't actually try for a baby. If you find that you can't continue married life like that, then I don't think anyone could blame you. You can offer her help and support, but if she refuses it and refuses to address it, then you can't be expected to live a miserable existence for the next 50 years.

jacksn

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Is it just a case that as you become stronger and better that you see your wife as someone she has always been but are now just realising it?

Thanks, yes I very much think so. I used to do nothing at the weekends, sit around smoking cigarettes watching tv. Because of my therapy I gave up fags and go hillwalking every weekend, I try to do things and get out as much as I can.. When I started doing this I would invite her to join me, nothing mad just a walk in the park for example but she always said no so she has no interest, I used to be disappointed but now I dont bother asking I would just say Im going to xyz.

She definitely sees this change in spirit and i dont know what she thinks about it, if its good or bad she also knows now that she cant spring any bull* ideas on me as I will question them instead of before when I would say or do nothing.

I havent said anything about her good traits, thats true and on her day she is the most loving and kind person I know on earth which is why I do love her but i feel the bad outweighs the good and now its at crisis point because I am at my age now and see this as my last chance to move on if thats what i need to do or stick and work it out.

strandroad

jacksn wrote: »

My own counsellor has suggested couples therapy but i am more inclined for her to go herself, I did suggest it in the past but she has said she didnt want to because she would be afraid of what might come out (feelings, emotions, towards me, her parents, herself) but it is getting to the stage now where its becoming a crisis.

It's exactly what she needs now though.

One way of looking at it OP is that she was willing to stand by you through 11 years it took you to "fix yourself". Presumably it wasn't fun at all times, and also fairly limiting in terms of dealing with her own problems. She now has anxiety (possibly depression, if she's off sex?) herself while you feel healthy and empowered. How much support are you willing to give her in return?

The questions she's asking herself are nothing unusual for a 38y old. Many sleepless nights are caused by endless thoughts on how to navigate careers, family, health, self-improvement and relationships. Your wife however seems to be crippled by additional self-doubt and she doesn't seem to have any outlet in you as it's probably not how you lived through the years. She really needs to work it all out and therapy is the right place to do it.

You can detach yourself from her, of course. She didn't detach herself from you when the roles were reversed though... and you have the advantage of being able to provide a living example of how you got on top of things yourself, however many years you needed.

jacksn

jacksn wrote: »

I did suggest it in the past but she has said she didnt want to because she would be afraid of what might come out (feelings, emotions, towards me, her parents, herself) but it is getting to the stage now where its becoming a crisis.

jacksn wrote: »

If we go to couples therapy, will it be a head nodding session in there and then go back to the way it is now?

I suspect not. You've changed and have become more empowered, even as you're still trying to break out of the passivity.

The only thing that concerns me is what you said about waiting for the fertility therapist to ask if you were having sex instead of saying straight out that you're not. I think it's not unreasonable for a fertility therapist to assume the couple in front of them asking for help in having a baby are actually trying to have a baby.

The couples counselling won't work if you can't be honest and the only thing that could light a fire under your wife is to hear honestly from you how you are feeling and how you view the relationship. Perhaps if she knew how you were feeling, things would be different.

Be prepared for the same reaction you got when you suggested she shouldn't do the Masters. But that's the point in having the counsellor there, a referee.

jacksn wrote: »

Im trying to salvage something and last thing I want is a divorce but trying to hold onto nothing is very difficult

I don't mean to harp on about the couples counselling and I agree with other posters and yourself that your wife could benefit from some counselling herself (I personally think everyone could) but it's really the very least you can do if you truly want to salvage something.

Big Bag of Chips

mhge wrote: »

You can detach yourself from her, of course. She didn't detach herself from you when the roles were reversed though...

I'd argue that she did detach from him. She may not have physically left him but they don't seem to have much of a marriage. The OP describes no sex, no affection, no interest in doing anything together preferring instead to sign up to multiple courses and having to "study" anytime anything was suggested.

OP, of course you should try work on your marriage if at all possible. But you need to understand that one person alone can't work on a marriage and make it work. If she doesn't seem interested or willing to put in the effort and hard work, and make no mistake it will be difficult for both of you, then you are fighting a losing battle.

ETA: Just thinking about it. The whole "fertility treatment" and telling all the family about it is being used as a simple, and sympathy garnering excuse as to why you don't have children. Better than admitting you don't have sex. Does she actually want children? Have you discussed it? Does she go on about wanting children to friends and family? The more I think about her the more I think she's actually very unwell. The lengths she is going to to deceive people is kind of scary to be honest. Fabricating fertility problems, going to meetings, discussing it all with family and friends, it's all just a bit too much to be entirely sane.

I think you need to go to your GP. Just have a chat with them telling them everything you've told us here, and see what they suggest.

Taltos

OP can I suggest one thing right now?
Stop the fertility treatment and don't have unprotected sex (were such a thing to happen which it might as a last resort now).

Instead IF you see there's a future here and you believe she can change and wants to change then pursue the counselng which might prompt therapy for her.
However, being blunt, you cannot force someone to change who doesn't want to. Nothing in what you've written gives me any belief that your wife wants to change, she seems quite happy bumbling along "finding" herself and being enabled by everyone.

In short I think you need to seriously consider if you can spend the rest of your life with such a person and if you can't then you know what you have to do.
Don't even consider bringing a child into this marriage/relationship, it wouldn't be fair on the kid and it will pretty much ensure that even if you do split up your lives will be entangled for years to come.

joeguevara

Is it possible that she is having an affair? Signing up to courses that never get done...do you know if she went to these courses...no sex..goes to holistic fertility treatment by herself....signing up to do a masters...are these excuses to get out of the house? Maybe way of track but has to be a possibility.

jacksn

Thanks again

yes the fertility thing needs to be knocked on the head and bringing a child into this toxic relationshp is not a good idea, I would agree with that. Its just I feel desperate because of our age and that this is our only chance, I know its not but as i said I dont want to be having kids at 40 or 45

I would say that she has never had any interest in having children, we never babysit for any of our friends, she wouldnt go to christenings or have any involvement

i think that if a woman wanted to have a child, she would make every effort to have a child but thats never been the case.. It was only when i said at the start of the year that I wanted to start trying for a child and the fertility thing is just to appease me but theres no progress, I do ask about it and I get told that she has to go for scans and nothing more..

just to note that I do try to talk but i'm always shot down with "I dont want to talk, too tired, not in the mood, etc etc" so we never actually talk. Im sure if i had an anecdote about work or something funny that I read about and told her that she would be all ears and would want to hear it but the personal things no.

I havent spoken to her since monday and when she told me she was doing the masters, she didnt come home until 12am yesterday, she texted me a few times and was stock taking in work last night. I have to go out to something myself tonight so it'll be friday probably before we are in the same vicinity. She stays with her parents on Thursdays to work late.

The affair question is something I have thought about and in spite of everything that has been said, i dont think so or maybe i am totally blind.. there have been no signs that i have seen or can think of (beyond the obvious! lack of sex, going on courses etc) or maybe that is the case, if it was why wouldnt she have left me? The going on courses, i think she did go to the classes, just never finished them.

The order of her priorities in life are obvious: 1. Parents, 2. Her Family, 3. Work, 4. Me. I am meeting my own counselor on Thursday and will discuss it with her of where I am right now. Then I would hope to have the confidence to speak to her on Friday about everything.

Idle Passerby

jacksn wrote: »

I do ask about it and I get told that she has to go for scans and nothing more....

Oh come on OP, you don't actually buy this do you? She is not being sent for medical scans by a "holistic" therapist when the only thing (as far as anyone knows) preventing her becoming pregnant is the fact that she's practically celibate! She clearly has no interest in having a child. And frankly having a baby when the relationship is so dysfunctional would be cruel to that child and would only compound you're current misery. Forget the baby issue, it's a ridiculous diversion from the actual problems in your relationship.

jacksn

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Oh come on OP, you don't actually buy this do you? She is not being sent for medical scans by a "holistic" therapist

part of the fertility programme is her taking and injecting hormones and there is a scan every 2 weeks to see if the follicle has reached a certain size.

Lollipops23

That doesn't sound holistic, it sounds medical. I think you need to clarify with her the nature of the treatement.

I can't see a woman putting herself through that kind of treatement a) straight away as soon as she starts trying and b) when she refuses to have regular sex. Does she think babies just grow magically?

Call BS, OP. You need to have a very stern chat with her.

Meauldsegosha

jacksn wrote: »

part of the fertility programme is her taking and injecting hormones and there is a scan every 2 weeks to see if the follicle has reached a certain size.

I would have thought an holistic programme would avoid the use of hormones.

OP, it would appear that your wife has no interest in having children and has avoided the issue previously by doing short term courses. She is now using a masters degree as a way of avoiding it for another 2 years.

strandroad

Lollipops23 wrote: »

That doesn't sound holistic, it sounds medical. I think you need to clarify with her the nature of the treatement.

Holistic fertility treatment is not the same as alternative (non-medical) treatments. Holistic approach combines proven modern medical techniques with lifestyle/wellbeing advice or counselling on stress, diet, smoking etc.

jacksn

mhge wrote: »

Holistic approach combines medical techniques and lifestyle/wellbeing advice or counselling on stress, diet, smoking etc.

^ This is what the programme is and yes it is a waste of time as we are not fundamentally having sex, why she is putting herself through if its all for bravado, god only knows. Which is why i am where i am.

strandroad

jacksn wrote: »

^ This is what the programme is and yes it is a waste of time as we are not fundamentally having sex, why she is putting herself through if its all for bravado, god only knows. Which is why i am where i am.

Either she doesn't really want children and she's doing it to appease you because her confidence is shot and she's unable to say no or let's think about it again even if that's what she thinks. So she's playing ostrich with you.
Or she wants them but is too crippled emotionally to approach it with confidence either (as in, you know, have sex) so she keeps muddling on without any real action.

It doesn't read to me like she's doing it out of spite or hostility towards you. She seems to be completely lost and drifting.

kylith

jacksn wrote: »

^ This is what the programme is and yes it is a waste of time as we are not fundamentally having sex, why she is putting herself through if its all for bravado, god only knows. Which is why i am where i am.

Either way you need to knock the fertility treatments on the head immediately: there is no use throwing good money after bad by continuing with this when you're not even trying to get pregnant. I think it's a way for her to look like the good wife. You said that her family didn't know she hadn't finished her courses, so they though she was great, now here she is going to fertility treatments so everyone can see how great she is, and how long it's taking her to conceive.

I also cannot understand why she doesn't want you to go with her. That does, to me, suggest that she's not getting any treatments at all. Would you flat-out insist on going with her next time?

Idle Passerby

Ok so she's on some medical course that involves injecting fertility hormones. Has it been established that she has fertility problems? What prompted her to decide she needed medical intervention when there was apparently no reason to conclude she might have problems concieving? How come you were never tested for sperm health? How come they havnt asked how long you've been trying (answer: you havnt ) Why would she (you?) pay for all this when you havnt even tried to become pregnant by yourselves? How come she isn't discussing her treatment with you? It makes no sense at all.

You need to sit down and have a proper discussion with her. There seems to be far too much burying of heads in sand on both sides

jacksn

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Ok so she's on some medical course that involves injecting fertility hormones. Has it been established that she has fertility problems? What prompted her to decide she needed medical intervention when thete was apparently no reason to conclude she might have problems concievibg? How come you were never tested for sperm health? How come they havnt asked how long you've been trying (answer: you havnt ) Why would she (you?) pay for all this when you havnt even tried to become pregnant by yourselves? How come she isn't discussing her treatment with you? It makes no sense at all.

You need to sit down and have a proper discussion with her. There seems to be far too much burying of heads in sand on both sides

There is a history of medical on her side which could/can cause fertility issues,
Im not sure why she decided on this programme at the start but when she said it, I thought great that it would accelerate the process and move forward.

No i havent been tested yet, I only went to one meeting with her and the consultant, i wasnt asked when I was there, in fact I was only asked about my health nothing more and to give up coffee. During the meeting the consultant set out the objectives of the programme (health, diet etc), tracking cycles etc but they didn't discuss sex at all.. why they didnt, i dont know. From there she has to meet a nurse every week something I dont need to attend so havent been asked to go to..

Her parents are paying for most of it (about 80% of the costs)

We dont discuss the treatment on a day to day and I havent asked about it either in the last month as I have become so disillusioned with the whole thing. Yes i would agree there is head burying on both sides.

Idle Passerby

I'm sorry to be harsh but I think she's purposely wasting your time and her parents money with this fertility course. She must have told the doctors you were having regular sex. They arent in the business of facilitating immaculate conceptions!

Edit: unless she intend you to eventually make a sperm deposit and have IVF or something. That doesn't really solve any of your marriage problems though. So again, this course of action seems redundant in the grand scheme of things.

pwurple

Sounds like Napro. Anyway, in fairness, you should have mentioned the no-sex thing at that meeting with the consultant. You can't just wait to be asked in this kind of situation. Go ahead now and make another appointment with them. On your own if you have to. Phone them, make an appointment to discuss your files. It can be the nurse or the consultant. They will then bring it up with your wife then in a sensitive way. Sexual problems are embarrassing for people. She may not want to talk about it to you, but might in a medical setting.

What a waste of money for her parents. It ain't cheap, that's for sure. And a masters is expensive too.

Your wife is floundering. Flapping from one thing to the next desperately looking for solutions.

jacksn

i didnt want to name the fertility company in case of google searches

jacksn

Thanks all for your comments, its becoming overwhelming and a lot for me to take in all at once so i appreciate everyones opinions and have taken them all onboard.

The advice is along the lines of what i had anticipated already but probably didn't want to recognise? and now I realise that I have to start working on this for both our sakes.

There are very critical issues which I need to address and which I will start working on this week. Im going to drop off boards fora few days to get my head in order and hopefully post a more positive update next week.

Lollipops23

All the best OP. I really hope this has a positive outcome for both of you.

kylith

Ok, I only know about fertility treatments from my cousin, but from what she told me what they want is

History of trying to conceive; ie how long you've been trying for.
A sperm test: it's easier, cheaper, and a sight less invasive to check sperm first
If the sperm test is fine then it's a fertility test for her: blood tests and Ultrasounds.

I find it very strange that a fertility clinic that, presumably, thinks ye are actively trying and failing to get pregnant wouldn't look for a sperm sample for you.

TBH, I'd tell her parents to stop funding it, if I were you. I couldn't in good conscience let them throw their money away like that.

Sound Bite

OP if your wife is genuinely having fertility treatment while being celibate, there are significant reasons to be concerned about both her mental and physical health.

There is no logical rationale for this behaviour and its very worrying. At a minimum, you meed to insist on attending the next meeting and telling the doctor that you are not having sex. Indulging such bizarre behaviour is not helping either of you.

Big Bag of Chips

I have to agree, OP. The fact that she is willing to carry this through to actually injecting herself unnecessarily with hormones is on a level that I believe you alone are not qualified to help her with. She needs professional help. First stop your GP. Next a phone call or appointment with whoever is treating her. Now, maybe she has had relevant tests and has been found to be low on certain hormones? But unless she is actively trying for a baby then it is a waste of time and money going through with the injections.

Is there anybody in her family you could talk to? Someone sensible and reasonable who might be able to handle this delicately? Her parents may as well be burning their money. And if/when it eventually comes out they could feel very betrayed and bitter at wasting so much money on nothing.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
40 is not anywhere near too old to have children. In fact, my soon-to-be husband is just gone 50, and I am in my early thirties. Absolutely nothing is going to hold us back from having children. If you are not happy, get out, start afresh. If say after a year you realise you made a mistake (which is highly unlikely) you can always try and get together again. But it looks like the relationship is holding you back and making you miserable on so many levels. Do not be afraid to walk away, and set yourself and your wife free. Too many people going through similar issues and then live with regrets for the rest of their lives.
I posted here a while ago too and the advice I got was absolutely invaluable. The outsider perspective is like a cold shower that wakes you and makes you think again, rather than accepting a passive stanze in your own life.

rainbowtrout

OP, have you actually seen her give herself those injections and take those medications or is it something she's told you she's doing? Like others here, it's either worrying to think that she is undergoing fertility treatment while more or less actively avoiding sex, or is she just making it up? Have you had a discussion with her parents about paying for fertility treatment or did she just tell you she had? Again like other posts, I'd find it very hard to believe that you wouldn't have been asked for a sperm sample to rule out fertility problems on your side.