New girlfriend advice please

Nick Lawson

I've started a new relationship recently. (M forties, female thirties)

We've met up several times and it's been good however it tends to be me who initiates any contact except on one occasion.

She isn't in to text 'conversations' so the last text is usually from me followed by another (from me) a couple of days later suggesting we do something. I accept that so have reduced the texts and phoned her recently instead.

When I do invite her to do something, she's always enthusiastic and seems to enjoy it.

It's niggling me a bit that she isn't the one to initiate things. I've made a couple of meals but haven't been invited to hers yet. ( I live alone and she shares a house with a family member, who I already know).

I've mentioned equal effort in a lighthearted way but it hasn't had any effect.I don't want to be sarcastic or mention it to her directly.

Maybe she just wants to be chased and courted which is okay I suppose in the early stages but not in the long term, if it was to develop in to a relationship.

Can anyone offer any advice/suggestions?

LegacyUser

Why do you want her to ask you out? It seems to be working fine do far and I'm sure it will all settle down in the wash.

ManOfMystery

Dolly says wrote: »

Why do you want her to ask you out? It seems to be working fine do far and I'm sure it will all settle down in the wash.

Isn't it obvious? When it's continually one person who initiates things - arranges night out, dinners, dates, whatever - it can leave that person feeling that if they didn't do it, nothing would happen. And that compounds this feeling that the person they're seeing isn't as invested in the relationship as they are.

I've been there and it's a pretty crap feeling.

There's two scenarios here as I see it OP. She's either not that into you, and is content to do things with you but couldn't be bothered with the effort of arranging things herself - or she's someone who isn't that confident and likes someone else to take the lead. None of us can really say which scenario is currently happening, only you can answer that.

woodchuck

It sounds like it's very early days yet? You said you've been out several times and she has initiated things once, so I wouldn't overreact yet!

Firstly some people just aren't into text conversations. You've found a way around that with the phone.

Secondly, you live alone and she doesn't. Therefore it makes sense that she would visit you more often to have proper quality time and not impose on her relative (seriously, who wants to walk in on a relative in the middle of a date or hear other goings on!!). If the issue is that you've cooked for her and she hasn't cooked for you, then just suggest cooking something together the next time she comes over. Or order food in.

You can also encourage her to take the lead a bit more. Even if you're the one who suggests meeting up, if she agrees, then you can ask her to pick a time/place/activity. That way not all the pressure is on you.

But honestly, I wouldn't worry so much. This tends to be the norm in the early stages of relationships and naturally balances out as time moves forward.

Rekop dog

Let her initiate the next meet up. If she likes you she won't just let you go by being too proud to never make the first move in organising. If she's not really bothered she probably won't text but at least you'll know then.

I doubt it's a confidence thing on her part, that usually manifests itself in the opposite way, ie over keeness and need for reassurances.

So stay strong, don't panic text her because you're afraid she's too shy to initiate and she'll probably eventually text you and therefore restore a bit of power to you. Women generally like a challenge early in a relationship and having it too easy can be a turn off. All a bit childish but very often the way it is.

Calypso Realm

I believe some women (and I'm certainly one!) believe in letting the man do all the running in the early stages as a means of gauging interest. Later on it's OK to take the initiative when the relationship becomes more established. The fact she is always receptive is a good sign of her interest level so no worries on that front.

tara73

Calypso Realm wrote: »

I believe some women (and I'm certainly one!) believe in letting the man do all the running in the early stages as a means of gauging interest. Later on it's OK to take the initiative when the relationship becomes more established. The fact she is always receptive is a good sign of her interest level so no worries on that front.

I believe this is bs. We are not living in the 60's anymore. I wouldn't feel good to let the man do all the running and women who think it's ok shouldn't wonder if things don't work out.

OP, you questioning her attitude is very valid. For me it sounds she's happy to spend time with you as a friend when you contact her, but has probably no real interest in a committed relationship. Also the not texting and now you phoning her sounds not like a good start if you are interested in a serious relationship.

Calypso Realm

tara73 wrote: »

I believe this is bs. We are not living in the 60's anymore. I wouldn't feel good to let the man do all the running and women who think it's ok shouldn't wonder if things don't work out
.

Completely agree Tara 73. Meant to write 'and I'm certainly NOT one'. .

DukeOfTheSharp

I was in something like this, under far different and eventually worse circumstances, and I can tell you OP: she has no interest in being with you if she doesn't arse herself contacting you. Here's the thing; you've already budged on the texting, initiated all the meetups, you're running after this woman and while it's early days, that's not a good sign - and it's not your fault, obviously, you're interested - given that you're doing all the legwork. In fact it's a huge red flag. She could be a very lovely woman with her head on straight in every aspect of her life bar two: her communication skills - which are sorely lacking - and her respect for others; which is seemingly non-existent here. Trust your gut OP, if you're feeling like the only way of getting the ball rolling is to start making all the plans and initiating all the conversations - and this is turn makes you uncomfortable - then the best way to deal with this is to break off communication and move forward. She's in her thirties and she's not a princess; she should know by now that interest goes both ways, and I've known people who drop contact with potential partners if they start playing these games straight out the gate. Long story short: not worth, get rid.

silverbolt

How about saying say - do you have any ideas for a date? Get her to get involved.

some people are terrible at holding conversation via text (my best friend is one, can chat all day long f2f but text convos are blood from a stone)

Nick Lawson

silverbolt wrote: »

How about saying say - do you have any ideas for a date? Get her to get involved.

Yes, I'll do that.

I phoned her again last night and the conversation was good as usual. I'm not that bothered about equal initiative but would prefer if it wasn't just me.

I don't want to just let it fizzle out yet don't want to mention it just yet either - I wouldn't like if her level of contact changed as a result of having to have a chat