wife sexting

Markcheese

This is probably going to be a bit all over the place but...
Myself and wife of seven years are splitting up, things havent been rosey for a long while... she went to italy for a month with the kids , came back and announced that we',re done (not first time) ,all couched in we have to move on,you need to find someone who'll make you happy. Not surprised (i've been depressed over this for over a year..
Anyway ,we discuss whats happening, i'm planning to move out in a couple of months.. got to keep things smooth for the kids.. i'm stunned at how easy it is for her..how flippant it is, we're chatting away more than for years,
Anyway two weeks in ... and my wife has left her phone on the couch.. it bips twice, (shes been not letting her phone out her sight since shes back, which is unlike her)
Anyway I look, instant message from an italian guy, loads of messages...very romancy/flirty , and then graphic and photos, her telling him what she wants him to do.
Anyway initialy she says just a friend till I say what I saw... and then it's nothing happened.. yet.. I go out
Anyway I stupidly message something on face book, about feeling gutted when you find your wife graphically texting her new boy friend... I dont use facebook much, almost none of her friends would be my friends on fb.. but family would.. so now everyone family wise knows.. not in her way of choosing , and shes pissed..at being painted ...
And I feel some satisfaction.. its the first time she's appeared anything but happy with the split.. of course now i'll have consequences , cant see me being here for two happy months.... christ thats long winded...

StupidLikeAFox

Not sure what you wanted here. Sounds like your relationship is over and you know it. Making that passive aggressive post on facebook was childish in the extreme, it reflects poorly on you. I would just try and move on tbh

duffman13

Like the above poster I'm not sure what you want from the forum. I think you should just get out now, the fb post might have been somewhat childish but tbh I can see why you done it and it at least it gives you some feeling of justice but let it go and try keep some kind of relationship with your ex to make sure the kids are unduly effected. They are your priority now

Markcheese

I'm not sure what I wanted from the post either, kind of venting. Using the forum to clear my head... the facebook thing was childish, and it was lashing out.. (it was only up 20 mins,but seen).
I suppose I felt i'd been rational, and predicable and led along to some extent. And still in love with my wife...

Big Bag of Chips

I can understand why you posted what you did. She's pissed off because you exposed her. She would have reacted the same if you went to her family and told them you were splitting up because she was sexting some fella she met in Italy. (And I wouldn't be too inclined to take her word for it that nothing happened... Yet). She wanted to control this, and she wanted to come out of it looking like either the victim (you left her) or the hero (things weren't working and she asked you to leave).

Posting on Facebook probably wasn't the cleverest, but, it's not the end of the world either. Your marriage is over. In her head it has been over for a very long time, that's why she seems so happy/relaxed about it all. So all you did was tell people it was over, and why. You were probably going to do it in person at some stage anyway. When people are hurt and in shock they do things they wouldn't normally do. You haven't actually done anything wrong. She did. But she doesn't want people knowing that so now the blame is back on you.

Your marriage is over. You should move out as soon as you can, and see how she manages. Her summer fling with Romeo won't be so attractive now! It's a pity you have to move out actually. You haven't done anything wrong. Maybe you could ask her to move out for a while..?

Keane2baMused

Markcheese wrote: »

I'm not sure what I wanted from the post either, kind of venting. Using the forum to clear my head... the facebook thing was childish, and it was lashing out.. (it was only up 20 mins,but seen).
I suppose I felt i'd been rational, and predicable and led along to some extent. And still in love with my wife...

Don't beat yourself up over it. It is understandable why you posted it.

Your wife doesn't sound like a nice individual who has respected your life together. In the long run you will be better off.

However I would strongly advise you to seek legal advice BEFORE leaving the family home.

CiboC

Keane2baMused wrote: »

However I would strongly advise you to seek legal advice BEFORE leaving the family home.

+100!! Do not move out without seeking legal advice. She has made the decision that your marriage is over, that does not mean it is you who has to move out.

strandroad

In fairness to your wife, she didn't rub the new guy in your face or parade him in front of everyone, you took the phone yourself and then announced it to the world when you didn't like what you found. She has the right to be annoyed if she was discreet - even though you have the right to feel hurt seeing him as she moved on sooner than you did. He was not the reason why you split so it's not fair to make it look so.
You should really sit down and discuss best strategies for moving on as not to make it really hard on your children.

bilbot79

To be honest I wouldn't begrudge you a passive aggressive rant on Facebook. Sounds like she thinks she can have her cake and eat it and this is all too easy for her. People here might judge you but don't listen. All fair in love and war.

Stealthfins

Well done on the facebook post
I wouldn't feel on bit guilty about it.

It's the truth,she was flippant and lacked any empathy on your behalf.
She didn't care about you.

More than likely she like other posters said was going to play the victim and make it look like it was your fault.

I know a few women like her,playing away and blame the hubby for it.

I would have actually gone one step further and took photos of her explicit texting and posted it up on facebook.

The type of people who'll say what you did was wrong are the type that would have behaved or have acted out like she did.

I had an exe girlfriend like your wife,always intriguing with other men,lying to my face then.

What I found on my Android phone I lent her while hers was getting fixed was shocking.
She forgot to reset the phone,all her emails were still coming in.

And she was so manipulative I almost believed her,she was arranging a hook up with some guy in a hotel...
But told me it was in my head until I produced the email as I photographed it and sent it to her via wattsapp....

A married guy no doubt from Tipperary.

Olishi4

I can understand that you were hurt op and posted on fb in a moment of anger so it can happen. I would say to just keep in mind and think twice if you feel the urge to do anything like that again. Not for your wife but for your own dignity and your kids. Talk to a close friend or relative instead. I sometimes see Facebook posts by women saying things about their child's father and it's distasteful but I understand in your situation emotions were running high.

You say you still love your wife but the best thing you can now is accept what she's said and look after yourself and the kids. It's possible that you two could work it out in the future. She could realise the grass isn't always greener but it's also likely that the marriage has ended. Hold your head high and focus on your and your kids well-being.

Smondie

Seek legal advice. Don't move out of your house. Make sure your children aren't removed from the jurisdiction without your consent.


A least you found out about her behaviour. Don't feel bad about the fb. She's just mad her cheating has been exposed.

Markcheese

I am moving out , when I can get somewhere near by...the kids need to be near school..
In all fairness it was me who went looking for the phone, and its not the new fella that ended the relationship, it was well ended before... i've been very depressed for the last year or so
, (loveless relationship will do that). And have let a lot of things slide...

Big Bag of Chips

Don't take on her guilt though. You went looking for her phone, because you sensed something wasn't right. She betrayed you. You say this isn't the first time she's told you the marriage is over. I'd guess it's not the first time she's enjoyed a bit of male attention either.

She will make you feel guilty for telling her family. When in fact you weren't the one being dishonest. You weren't the guilty one. Ok, your marriage wasn't good for a long time, but rather than address that she decided to go find a bit of fun elsewhere. Her behaviour is out of line, not yours. She's not solely responsible for your marriage turning stale. That's both of your responsibility. But she is solely responsible for cheating (and she has, don't believe this 'yet' malarkey. She will only admit to what you have actually caught her out on. She tried to deny the texts and shrug them off as just friendly until you told her what you saw) You were in a loveless marriage, you didn't cheat. She was in a loveless marriage she did, and then tries to put the blame back on you. She's like a cornered rat now and will attack. Try not to take too much of it in board. She's lashing out because you caught her. So she needs to hurt you as mu h as possible now.

Take care, and try to rise above her nastiness... Because it will get very nasty. You'll be ok, eventually.

Augme

I'd avoid pissing her off. She's the women, when it comes to access to your child the courts will side with her and not you(even if she cheated). Accept that the marriage is over and hopefully both of yous can handle the split with dignity and respect for each other.

Markcheese

Augme wrote:

I'd avoid pissing her off. She's the women, when it comes to access to your child the courts will side with her and not you(even if she cheated). Accept that the marriage is over and hopefully both of yous can handle the split with dignity and respect for each other.

Thats pretty much how it is.. (I dont believe she's cheated,but its still a kick in the gut)
Had a good talk with her today,i've got to get on with her, i've 2 kids... it'll be tough but hey...

Thanks for advice and comments its all helping me move... (if not move on yet)
I've a few holes to dig myself out of,but feel I can start...
I think mediation will be next, and I could probably do with some councilling...

Seth Brundle

Markcheese wrote: »

I dont believe she's cheated,but its still a kick in the gut

At the same time she became friendly with Paulo from Italy to the point of sexting him since a holiday away with your kids.
How did she get the time to become that close if she was looking after the kids?

joeguevara

kbannon wrote: »

At the same time she became friendly with Paulo from Italy to the point of sexting him since a holiday away with your kids.
How did she get the time to become that close if she was looking after the kids?

Kids go to sleep...pretty easy then. But I don't think that's the point. It looks like the marriage is over. I'd apologise for putting it on Facebook but make it clear you did it for a reason. Ask her can you draw a line under it as you both have done wrong (in my eyes her much more but that is irrelevant) and try and sort a plan for the kids. They are the most important thing now.

Wompa1

joeguevara wrote: »

Kids go to sleep...pretty easy then.

Jeepers! Isn't that what happened with the McCanns? If they were young kids and my kids, I'd be pretty upset.

joeguevara

Wompa1 wrote: »

Jeepers! Isn't that what happened with the McCanns? If they were young kids and my kids, I'd be pretty upset.

I'm talking about texting someone, not leaving the house. But that's irrelevant.

rondog

Get a good solicitor.Dont leave the house,you didn't cheat,technically she is still married.

Don't put yourself thru the stress of moving,let her move out,take your time with everything.

Go out and pull a woman and bring her back and see how your wife feels.

rondog

I dunno.. you guys are splitting up, so she technically did nothing wrong. Is doing nothing wrong. You mention how it's easy for her - I'd question why. Maybe it feels like a weight is being lifted from her shoulders -- you mentioned it hasn't been well for a long while.

The post on Facebook absolutely wasn't on, was extremely childish and passive aggressive.

rondog wrote: »

Get a good solicitor.Dont leave the house,you didn't cheat,technically she is still married.

Don't put yourself thru the stress of moving,let her move out,take your time with everything.

Go out and pull a woman and bring her back and see how your wife feels.

Why? The OP's wife didn't shove it in his face. He willingly looked at her phone, not just looked but spent time reading through numerous messages.

Markcheese

rondog wrote:

Get a good solicitor.Dont leave the house,you didn't cheat,technically she is still married.

Look,we've an appointment for mediation... I could insist on the house being sold, my wife has asked do I want to stay in it.. its near the kids school,friends,walks,parks ect... so why would I put the kids (and wife) out on the street... technically smechnically,seperation and divorce in ireland is "no fault"
We're trying to do this as amicably as possible(bar the occasional hiccup )

Smondie

Markcheese wrote: »

rondog wrote:

Get a good solicitor.Dont leave the house,you didn't cheat,technically she is still married.

Look,we've an appointment for mediation... I could insist on the house being sold, my wife has asked do I want to stay in it.. its near the kids school,friends,walks,parks ect... so why would I put the kids (and wife) out on the street... technically smechnically,seperation and divorce in ireland is "no fault"
We're trying to do this as amicably as possible(bar the occasional hiccup )

You mean your now ex-wife? will you be comfortable with romeo from italy coming to stay in your house while your in your alternative accomadation?
Or have you decided to stay together? Good luck either way

joeguevara

Just on your op when you said she appears like she doesn't care I know if it was me and I knew something was over I could outwardly display like I was the happiest person in the world and couldn't give a sh1te but inside would be breaking. Ye were together for 7 years and have kids. Although it might be over I am sure she is upset. It doesn't excuse her behaviour with the Italian guy but I reckon it's a rebound thing to get closure. Keep the head up and make sure the kids are the top priority. Also if ye are both staying in the house it would be best to draw up ground rules...things like no overnight guests when the other or the kids are there...no talking to dates on the phone in front of each other etc. That's what I'd do anyway.

LegacyUser

Hi OP (Markcheese)... What's wrong with you? Some switch has kicked off in your head where you feel you need to wave the white flag and leave the home... is it for the sake of the kids you think you're doing this? You need to see a solicitor BEFORE you ever consider leaving the family home. Do you love your kids, if so, ask her does she wish to go back to Italy to live with her new man and you will care for the kids here.....she may love the idea of being free of all responsibility.
You have one opportunity to put up a fight before a legal agreement ties you into something and now is the time for that fight. A solicitor will cost a few euro but it's small change if you consider that this is for the rest of your life. Why not ask your wife to leave. Gender does not permit automatic guarantee of home or children, being a responsible parent does.
Second bit of advice, stop posting here. You are now in a legal situation whether you choose to see a solicitor or not.....it would be very very silly not to see one....anything you post here if she identifies you can be used against you.

Third bit of advice......a father can keep his kids....I have custody of mine.