What to do? - Emotional Wall

pbardsley

Hi all,

So I'll get straight to the point...both my fiancee and myself have been together for almost 4 years now. Throughout the relationship we argued alot. Probably once a week/fortnight. The main issue is/was that i am a guy with a high-tone voice. When something gets in my way, I go at it with all guns blazing...I question alot of things....If something doesn't make sense, I question it until it does. However, my partner is not at all like this. She is quite quiet. When argued with, she tends to go quiet and inward and gets emotional alot. When we argue, I don't mean, at all, to raise my voice...I dont even know I'm doing it but its something I realise I need to control for the sake of our relationship.

Anyway...my partner has put up an emotional wall and has pretty much blocked me out completely. I now feel like a friend than a fiancee. This emotional wall has lasted (AFAIK) for the last 6 months. In that time, we have not been intimate in any way. We havn't even kissed..and I don't mean an intimate kiss...I mean a little peck on the cheek...nothing.

I have asked her about the situation. I have expressed my concerns. I have told her I am feeling incredibly frustrated. Her response to that being that she knows how frustrated I am and she understands if I cannot go on with the relationship any longer. She also said that, in the past, we spoke about something similar happening...but I never thought it would last this long.

I really want to be there for her and just be a "friend" to her until she lowers her wall and let's me in again. However, it is difficult and anytime I say I love her or call her babe, hun, etc or anything remotely more than a "friend" (not much more), she backs off and tells me not to 'push it'.

I am really at a loss for what to do. How long can this emotional wall last? What should I do?

Thanks in advance guys for all your replies.

Phil

Tigger99

You both need to learn how to disagree without this hugely destructive behaviour. I think you need counselling asap. And for the love of jesus don't get married until this is properly sorted.

And like I said to another poster recently, an argument a week should not be normal. That sounds horrendous Are you sure you are both actually suited?

Tigger99

And her withholding intimacy for 6 months would be a huge ginormous concern for me. As would her response that she understands if the relationship can't continue.

It's like she's too chicken to end the relationship and is trying to make you do it.

Dial Hard

What do you mean by "high-tone voice"? I take it from the rest of your post that you shout. But it's not particularly clear.

Anyway. Whatever you meant, it's obvious that you two have *very* different communication and conflict resolution styles. In fact, I'd go so far as to say you (plural) can't resolve conflict. You've been arguing on a weekly basis for four years and she's been physically and emotionally blocking you for six months. That's not normal, OP.

I'm not sure this relationship is even salvageable, tbh, but you need to get yourselves to counselling stat. Jointly and separately.

silverbolt

pbardsley wrote: »

Hi all,

So I'll get straight to the point...both my fiancee and myself have been together for almost 4 years now. Throughout the relationship we argued alot. Probably once a week/fortnight. The main issue is/was that i am a guy with a high-tone voice. When something gets in my way, I go at it with all guns blazing...I question alot of things....If something doesn't make sense, I question it until it does. However, my partner is not at all like this. She is quite quiet. When argued with, she tends to go quiet and inward and gets emotional alot. When we argue, I don't mean, at all, to raise my voice...I dont even know I'm doing it but its something I realise I need to control for the sake of our relationship.

Anyway...my partner has put up an emotional wall and has pretty much blocked me out completely. I now feel like a friend than a fiancee. This emotional wall has lasted (AFAIK) for the last 6 months. In that time, we have not been intimate in any way. We havn't even kissed..and I don't mean an intimate kiss...I mean a little peck on the cheek...nothing.

I have asked her about the situation. I have expressed my concerns. I have told her I am feeling incredibly frustrated. Her response to that being that she knows how frustrated I am and she understands if I cannot go on with the relationship any longer. She also said that, in the past, we spoke about something similar happening...but I never thought it would last this long.

I really want to be there for her and just be a "friend" to her until she lowers her wall and let's me in again. However, it is difficult and anytime I say I love her or call her babe, hun, etc or anything remotely more than a "friend" (not much more), she backs off and tells me not to 'push it'.

I am really at a loss for what to do. How long can this emotional wall last? What should I do?

Thanks in advance guys for all your replies.

Phil

That line just screams - "break up up with please"

She wants out but hasnt the strength to do it herself - probably because constant arguing is incredibly draining

HanaleiJ5N

The key to any good relationship is communication. People who go out all guns blazing are a pain to communicate with, particularly if you "question everything". It's not right or fair if her to withdraw but to be honest I can fully understand why someone would tune out in the face of what you describe. You can't question everything, you have to learn to pick your battles.

And sorry, but an argument as frequently as you say is far too often. That sounds mentally exhausting to be honest.

Is this really something you want to continue with? Do you really believe it can be fixed? I'm sure it can be but a serious amount of work is required. It sounds like you need couples counselling because she really sounds like she's going through the motions and that she's just waiting for it to be ended, but she hasn't ended it herself so there's a chance she'll be open to working on it.

Yellow pack crisps

She has basically dumped you without verbally telling you. You on the other hand seem to ignore the way you communicate and handle yourself and think because its your personality that its ok. To be honest and I'm saying this with kindness but you seem like you go on rants and tangents and although you might not see the harm in that it obviously affects your partner a lot and you are maybe not understanding that and doing anything to curve it. Your partner on the other hand probably likes a quite life and is introverted and probably feels suffocated by it.

Your relationship sounds exhausting and exhausted.

GingerLily

silverbolt wrote: »

pbardsley wrote: »

Hi all,

So I'll get straight to the point...both my fiancee and myself have been together for almost 4 years now. Throughout the relationship we argued alot. Probably once a week/fortnight. The main issue is/was that i am a guy with a high-tone voice. When something gets in my way, I go at it with all guns blazing...I question alot of things....If something doesn't make sense, I question it until it does. However, my partner is not at all like this. She is quite quiet. When argued with, she tends to go quiet and inward and gets emotional alot. When we argue, I don't mean, at all, to raise my voice...I dont even know I'm doing it but its something I realise I need to control for the sake of our relationship.

Anyway...my partner has put up an emotional wall and has pretty much blocked me out completely. I now feel like a friend than a fiancee. This emotional wall has lasted (AFAIK) for the last 6 months. In that time, we have not been intimate in any way. We havn't even kissed..and I don't mean an intimate kiss...I mean a little peck on the cheek...nothing.

I have asked her about the situation. I have expressed my concerns. I have told her I am feeling incredibly frustrated. Her response to that being that she knows how frustrated I am and she understands if I cannot go on with the relationship any longer. She also said that, in the past, we spoke about something similar happening...but I never thought it would last this long.

I really want to be there for her and just be a "friend" to her until she lowers her wall and let's me in again. However, it is difficult and anytime I say I love her or call her babe, hun, etc or anything remotely more than a "friend" (not much more), she backs off and tells me not to 'push it'.

I am really at a loss for what to do. How long can this emotional wall last? What should I do?

Thanks in advance guys for all your replies.

Phil

That line just screams - "break up up with please"

She wants out but hasnt the strength to do it herself - probably because constant arguing is incredibly draining

Completely agree, she's probably terrified to instigate it herself given his self-confessed issues with confrontation and intense scrutiny.

OP you need to change your behaviour first off, with it without her you need to change your behaviour. Are you living together? If so it sounds like some time apart is necessary for both of you. I don't think your relationship can recover but if you give her space and work on your issues I think you can at least know you tried.

ahnow

" She also said that, in the past, we spoke about something similar happening...but I never thought it would last this long."

What did you mean by the statement above? Do you mean that something like this has happened before? Or that she told you that this might happen if you continued to speak to her in the same way?
I don't think the relationship is dead in the water yet, there are things you can do to turn it around. It really sounds like you have absolutely pushed this girl too far, and that her trust in you has been broken. That is really clear. I don't think she is "withholding intimacy" on purpose, but you have just really hurt her with your behaviour, so she just cant. I can also imagine that she might have warned you that this was really affecting her but you didn't take on what she was saying, and now it's gotten to this.

Every time you push for some sort of intimacy with her, you are prolonging the lack of intimacy for yourself. She has told you quite clearly not to push it, and that she is not ready. So every time you push for it you are saying that you don't want to listen to her needs, and that her needs are not as important as yours-just as you have said with your actions that your need to argue in the way that you like to argue trumps her way of communicating. And by doing this you are not helping to rebuild mutual trust and respect, you're showing her you haven't changed.

Maybe get counselling for both of you, or maybe you go to counselling to change the way you communicate, and tell her you're going because you want to communicate differently. If you do. If you don't I think breaking up is probably for the best, because she's made it pretty clear she's not going to put up with it any more.

Ursus Horribilis

What to do? First of all, you drop that intense all guns blazing, questioning shtick. That's easier said than done but it is a problem. A big problem. You appear to be unaware of how much of a problem your approach to arguing is. That's the sort of behaviour that wears most people down, not just a quiet person like your fiancée. You also should be asking yourself do you carry this attitude into other relationships you have. Such as your workplace, your family, your friends etc. There is a time and a place for asking questions. It's fine in science or law or professions like that. In human relationships, it's really not the way to go. At all. During arguments when emotions are running high, asking questions and refusing to back off is the equivalent of rubbing salt in a wound. You don't appear to have developed emotional intelligence in that aspect of your life. In some ways, I wonder how has your fiancée stuck this out for as long as she has.

The signs for this relationship aren't good at all. For starters, you shouldn't be arguing this often. It's not the norm in a healthy relationship. You didn't say why you argue so much but it's hard not to think that a lot of it is down to your approach. It may be that irreparable damage has been done to this relationship but that's something you need to broach with your fiancée. As has been pointed out already, she's probably afraid to say anything because she knows she'll be subjected to another Spanish Inquisition.

Regardless of whether this relationship can be saved or not, you badly need to learn how to be less intense and when to keep your mouth shut.

Ursus Horribilis

pbardsley wrote: »

However, my partner is not at all like this. She is quite quiet. When argued with, she tends to go quiet and inward and gets emotional a lot. When we argue, I don't mean, at all, to raise my voice...I don’t even know I'm doing it but its something I realise I need to control for the sake of our relationship.

I meant to highlight this as well but forgot when I typed up the last post. What happens when you have an argument is that you're acting like a bulldozer. You're basically grinding her into submission by shouting at her and subjecting her to a barrage of questions. In other words, you are acting like you don't value her opinion or her right to answer questions in her own time. It's all about you and your desire to have your opinion heard. There's no sensitivity or consideration of her feelings at all. No wonder she's getting upset and doesn't want to say anything. Who would when opening their mouth is simply going to be met with another round of intense questioning and shouting?

If nothing else, you should seek out therapy to learn now to act in a better way when you have an argument. You shouldn't be arguing so much anyway but regardless, you've got to learn how to go about this in a more civil manner.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I would have to say that I am a quiet, introverted person like your fiancee, by the sounds of it, and I would have a natural tendency to simply just remove myself from situations like the above, too. It sounds to me like she is almost afraid of you. Perhaps she has a more quiet, reflective, thoughtful style, and your own style of conflict sounds more emotional and even almost hysterical to someone who is a natural introvert. I don't know why you say she is emotional, it sounds like she is keeping everything inside and you are the one who is talkative and emotional? That is not to say you are a bad person or that there is anything wrong with that, but to someone quiet and peaceful that would scare me, and I would be wanting to break it off, too, but too scared of your reaction, so would probably do what she is doing now, essentially giving you the cold shoulder until you get the message, its something that you see a good bit on boards, but usually from the other side. I think your only real options here are to basically chill out a bit, or end things.

njs030

pbardsley wrote: »

Hi all,

So I'll get straight to the point...both my fiancee and myself have been together for almost 4 years now. Throughout the relationship we argued alot. Probably once a week/fortnight. The main issue is/was that i am a guy with a high-tone voice. When something gets in my way, I go at it with all guns blazing...I question alot of things....If something doesn't make sense, I question it until it does. However, my partner is not at all like this. She is quite quiet. When argued with, she tends to go quiet and inward and gets emotional alot. When we argue, I don't mean, at all, to raise my voice...I dont even know I'm doing it but its something I realise I need to control for the sake of our relationship.

Anyway...my partner has put up an emotional wall and has pretty much blocked me out completely. I now feel like a friend than a fiancee. This emotional wall has lasted (AFAIK) for the last 6 months. In that time, we have not been intimate in any way. We havn't even kissed..and I don't mean an intimate kiss...I mean a little peck on the cheek...nothing.

I have asked her about the situation. I have expressed my concerns. I have told her I am feeling incredibly frustrated. Her response to that being that she knows how frustrated I am and she understands if I cannot go on with the relationship any longer. She also said that, in the past, we spoke about something similar happening...but I never thought it would last this long.

I really want to be there for her and just be a "friend" to her until she lowers her wall and let's me in again. However, it is difficult and anytime I say I love her or call her babe, hun, etc or anything remotely more than a "friend" (not much more), she backs off and tells me not to 'push it'.

I am really at a loss for what to do. How long can this emotional wall last? What should I do?

Thanks in advance guys for all your replies.

Phil

Well first off you need to learn to take responsibility for your actions. Like the other poster I presume high-tone voice means you shout. So just say that rather than trying to excuse it as oh this is my voice.....cos I bet it's not your voice outside a row! You don't mean it....but you do it anyway and it's only now the intimacy has stopped you've realised it has to stop. Seriously??

You push until you get your answer, that's a form of bullying. It's not how relationships work and most people would react to that by clamming up because there's literally no other way of dealing with someone who shouts and bullies until they get what they want.

Your post is all me me me without any thought of the emotional toll being shouted at on a weekly basis could have!

Go to counselling asap. Tell your fiancee you're getting help and let her see you making some changes.

zoobizoo

Sometimes things don't make sense and you have to decide "do I continue with this so that I am satisfied" or "I should let this go because my relationship is more important than (a) either getting an answer or (b) being right"

There's a difference between arguing a point and barracking someone until they relent.

It reads that you push her to the point of her having no choice but to go give in to you, if you are not happy with something. Because the alternative is you harrangueing her until she does.

Maybe she is afraid to break up with you because the result will be you shouting:

"WHY ARE YOU BREAKING UP? THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?WHY? WHY? WHY?WHY? WHY? WHY?"

DukeOfTheSharp

Some would say you need counselling OP, I'd say just break up and leave it be, this thing was a lost cause from the beginning and it's done, she doesn't want to end it because she hasn't got the spine, and you think that, despite all that toxicity, it'll work out. At this point you two are very different, and someone who shuts down easily can, whether they mean to or not, actually increase the frustration and by proxy the intensity of the person they're arguing with.

This is a case of the both of you being unable to communicate in an effective way, and while there's nothing wrong with getting to the bottom of issues, the fact is that shouldn't be so hard in a relationship that you end up constantly questioning to the point where you're shouting. Nor is it ok to shut down, feeding into the general atmosphere of frustration, it becomes a neverending cycle that leads to unreasonable levels of resentment. Also, what jumps out at me is that you're together nearly four years and you're already engaged? Seems like the two of you jumped the shark when neither of you were ready for that level of commitment.

Healthy relationships require communication, not arguments abound. Some people, when together, can bring out the absolute worst in each other, and it sounds like that's your situation there. You're both at fault here, that's for sure, so examining this on anything other than surface level is pointless. End it OP, there's no way to talk to someone who has shut you out,and your reactions will only get worse because of that. You need help getting that crap in order, but you can't do that around someone who can push your buttons without saying a word.

pbardsley

Hi all,

Firstly, thanks for all your replies. They have been quite helpful in clarifying my thoughts. It's interesting that every reply is leaning towards 'break up'. To be honest, I have thought of this. I have thought of letting her go. Not for me as I will be heartbroken because I do love her so much and want to see her happy. We have spent so much time together and done so many things. Everything reminds me of her. I think about her every minute of every day.

We have been to counselling in the last few months about the whole 'communication' and 'intimacy' thing. She was pushing me for many weeks/months for us to go to couples counselling but I didn't arrange it. After I did, she didn't seem to like it and told me that she thought it was a waste of time and that she majored in psychology in college and knew pretty much everything the counsellor was talking about anyways.

With the shouting, I don't think I shout. I understand that to her or anyone that is quiet, it may come across that way and I realise I need to sort that myself. I accept that I have a problem with that. Honestly I do. It's not really shouting per-say, but rather talking in a normal tone...things get hot and escalate and the tone of my voice gets higher and higher. Although I don't think it's shouting, I do understand this is not right and it's a problem I have and I need to sort. I'm not trying to wangle my way out of the whole 'shouting' thing...I know I have a problem with it.

She has been away on multiple holidays (on her own) recently - some with a friend, others meeting up with guy friends. She is due to go on holidays in a few weeks again on her own. I'm fully thinking it's to get the hell away from me.

I don't know what to do

pbardsley

Can I just add...I think counselling was a big help for me. It made me realize that I had to change the way I was. I just suspect I arranged it too late

pbardsley

Maybe I was being a bit overboard on the arguments. It was more like once every 3 weeks. Most arguments weren't about anything massive and the majority of the time, as she said "it isn't the fact that we argue...everybody argues; it's how we communicate together to solve the argument"

Paddy Cow

Op it sounds like you're not compatible. You recognise that your behaviour wasn't the greatest and have found counselling helpful but to be honest, your girlfriend also needs a lot to be desired. Giving someone the cold shoulder is not a healthy way to deal with things either and can be just as hurtful as being shouted at. Six months without even a peck on the cheek is not normal.

Some people have no problem with shouting in an argument. I know a couple who will blow up and I used to think they were on the brink of divorce but it would blow over just as quick and they are still happily together 22 years later. That's just their way. Neither feel intimidated by the other and there's no hard feelings. They just get everything out in the open and forget about it. It wouldn't be for me but it sounds like you are like that.

Ursus Horribilis

pbardsley wrote: »

We have been to counselling in the last few months about the whole 'communication' and 'intimacy' thing. She was pushing me for many weeks/months for us to go to couples counselling but I didn't arrange it. After I did, she didn't seem to like it and told me that she thought it was a waste of time and that she majored in psychology in college and knew pretty much everything the counsellor was talking about anyways.
.....
She has been away on multiple holidays (on her own) recently - some with a friend, others meeting up with guy friends. She is due to go on holidays in a few weeks again on her own. I'm fully thinking it's to get the hell away from me.

Oh dear. To me, it looks like things have well and truly gone down the swanny. She doesn't seem to be interested in trying to improve things in the relationship for reasons known only to herself. You seem to have embraced the idea of counselling and took certain things on board. She seems to have done the opposite. This is moving into tin hat territory here but is there any chance she has met someone else? Are you absolutely sure that when she's going on holiday, she's going on her own? It seems like an odd thing to be doing on a frequent basis.

DukeOfTheSharp

pbardsley wrote: »

Hi all,

Firstly, thanks for all your replies. They have been quite helpful in clarifying my thoughts. It's interesting that every reply is leaning towards 'break up'. To be honest, I have thought of this. I have thought of letting her go. Not for me as I will be heartbroken because I do love her so much and want to see her happy. We have spent so much time together and done so many things. Everything reminds me of her. I think about her every minute of every day.

We have been to counselling in the last few months about the whole 'communication' and 'intimacy' thing. She was pushing me for many weeks/months for us to go to couples counselling but I didn't arrange it. After I did, she didn't seem to like it and told me that she thought it was a waste of time and that she majored in psychology in college and knew pretty much everything the counsellor was talking about anyways.

With the shouting, I don't think I shout. I understand that to her or anyone that is quiet, it may come across that way and I realise I need to sort that myself. I accept that I have a problem with that. Honestly I do. It's not really shouting per-say, but rather talking in a normal tone...things get hot and escalate and the tone of my voice gets higher and higher. Although I don't think it's shouting, I do understand this is not right and it's a problem I have and I need to sort. I'm not trying to wangle my way out of the whole 'shouting' thing...I know I have a problem with it.

She has been away on multiple holidays (on her own) recently - some with a friend, others meeting up with guy friends. She is due to go on holidays in a few weeks again on her own. I'm fully thinking it's to get the hell away from me.

I don't know what to do

Everything about this - especially the BS about her being a psychology graduate and ignoring the counselling - means that she doesn't want this to work. She's the kind of person who can't be talked to OP, at the very least you got something from it, and you're working on it, but the very fact that she actively ignored the counselor means that she doesn't care. The fact that she's going on holidays, shutting down any form of even mildly normal intimacy and she's meeting 'guy friends'? Whatever the situation, getting out is for the best. She doesn't love you OP, if she did she'd have tried. Every attempt to fix this has fallen on seemingly ignorant and passive-aggressive ears with your fiancee. You're wasting your time with her, at this point you're hurting yourself and stopping yourself from making any progress you could make with your issues is being stifled by her. It's a lost cause, and I feel like this isn't your fault the way you think it is.

LightlyGo

It sounds to me like she's either not willing to save the relationship or that she's just not ready for any serious relationship full stop right now.
Putting up barriers and demonstrating withholding behaviour in your closest relationship is not normal, it's a sign that someone either doesn't feel at all on safe ground with a partner and should leave the relationship or that they're not able to maturely handle conflict themselves.

If I was you I would walk away. I know how terribly hard that is when you've come to rely on someone and you see your future built around them, but right now this relationship is giving you nothing.

If she loves you as much as you love her she will have space to look at what went on from a little distance and maybe realise her part in the destructive behaviour too. If she wants you back she'll be willing to come back and work on herself and encourage you to develop yourself through counselling etc which you sound willing to do.

If she leaves you OP it'll be because this relationship was never going to work out satisfactorily for either of you and the end was coming to meet you anyway.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

daisybelle2008

Definitely time to break up, it's amazing ye lasted 4 years being so horribly ill suited.
it stands out too me the way you refer to the 'communication and intimacy 'thing' and you were both so half arsed about addressing it (you in organising, her in sticking with it). Communication and intimacy are two of the most important elements of a relationship. It's like neither of you have a high value on them and you were both communicating aggressively/passively aggressively for years. Seems like you only addressed it because she pushed you into counselling. As for her, looks like she has checked out completely, and I'd say open to meet someone else.