Unfaithful to wife <mod warning post #1>

LegacyUser

Post #47
Mod Note
Last chance

This thread is at risk of being closed prematurely due to the constant hijacking and off topic posts.
daithi - if you have an issue with mod direction please take it to PM instead of posting on this thread as that will only result in off topic posts as well.
anna080 - you've made your standpoint very clear, please don't post again on this thread unless you have materially different advice to offer.

To everyone else.
The OP has come here for advice not judgement, while it's an emotive topic they deserve to receive the advice they sought, even if it's sugared up or as bitter as hell. Irrespective of our own feelings on this topic or if we've been cheated on ourselves I'll ask you one last time not to post unless you have constructive advice to offer and can give it in a civil manner.

Due to the level of moderation this thread is drawing we'll either be forced to close it or will start issuing bans for those posters who just want to score points.

Please stay with me. This isn't a straight forward case of being in some seedy affair or one night stand scenario.

I'm 42 and married over 10 years and have a young son. I have read lots of threads here about married men in sexless marriages and I am definately one of them. My wife went off sex gradually when our son was 4. That was three years ago. Two years ago, it just stopped when she told me that she just had no interest in it. Obviously I tried to talk to her and help her in any way I could. I asked her was it me. Did she want to be/or was with someone else. But the reality was that after all the talk, it was just simply a case of her having no interest whatsoever in sex with anyone. I accepted it, despite her absolute refusal to do anything about it. It has been a little bit soul destroying, because we carried on as normal in every other way.

A few months ago I met a woman in the same age bracket while out walking the dog. She literally lives a few doors down from me and I had seen her around but had never spoken to her before. While I found her attractive, I simply started to enjoy her company while we walked our dogs. She is seperated with a teenage daughter. Not for a moment did I ever consider chatting her up or coming on to her. Our chats were innocent and general in nature.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. I was away from home working so my wife decided to visit relatives for a couple days because I wasn't home. On my return from work, I parked up the car and decided to go for a beer in my nearby local being home alone that night. This woman was there and we got chatting. The conversation was just general stuff. No flirting. Nothing that would suggest either of us had any particular intertest in each other. The only thing I did clearly state was that my wife was away. We left together as it suited both of us. As we walked I must admit the attraction I felt towards her came to the surface. I asked her into my house for a nightcap and she accepted. Once in the house having a drink, it became obvious that she was attracted to me too. The conversation we had did involve me telling her about the sex aspect of my marriage and she told me about the problems she had with her previous husband. Very quickly one thing lead to another and we had sex. It was incredible. The best sex I've had in many years. I felt alive and even naughty as I sneaked her out of the house in the early morning.

Since then we have met in the usual way with the dogs and chatted about what happened. She wants it to happen again and has claimed that she is happy enough for it to be a mutual and casual thing. But I'm wracked with guilt since it happened. Despite the misery I went through with my wife regarding sex, I still feel an overwhelming sense of loyalty to her and I feel I have just busted that loyalty. My head is wrecked. My wife never gave a damn about dealing with the sex issue despite anything I tried or did. But she is a good mother and wife in every other respect. I recently brought up the sex issue again and I was laughed at. Now I'm thinking that I shouldn't feel guilty at all and maybe enjoy the fun with this other woman despite it being so close to home. As I said my head is all over the place.

Advice please and thanks for reading

intheclouds

What is the point of staying in a sexless marriage with someone who refuses to deal with the issue?

You are 42. Hopefully you will be on for having sex in one form or another for the next 30 years anyway and then maybe with some assistance for some years after that! Even if you are not physically capable you will be able to enjoy intimacy and caress.

So why would you stay in a marriage if that is all denied to you?

You can still parent your son and you can still remain friends with your wife (which seems to be all you are right now) if you are respectful and decent with her about terminating the current situation.

There might be some financial issues to be ironed out and obviously emotionally everyone has to move on etc...

But ultimately, if she wont confront the sex issue then you need to get out of the marriage. We are sexual beings. If there is no sex or intimacy then you are just friends.

Forget the neighbour for now and sort your situation out. Be respectful to your wife and leave her rather than have an affair with a neighbour behind her back.

MeatTwoVeg

Did you tell your wife that you're not prepared to go through the rest of your life without sex just because she's decided she can't be bothered anymore?
You probably should have and let her decide if she's happy with an arrangement where you get sex elsewhere.
TBH you'll probably be slaughtered on here from the usual anti-man brigade but I wouldn't really blame you for what happened.

GingerLily

You need to sort your marraige out, tell her to choose between an open marraige or a separation, you should not have to accept a life without physical intimacy.

The neighbour situation could get very messy, for so many reasons, sort out this situation with your wife first.

BetsyEllen

OP it's posts like this that make me feel a panicky, sick feeling at the thoughts of getting married, having kids, buying a house etc.
SO many people are in these kind of relationships, no sex, just living as friends, no passion anymore...Jesus I can think of nothing worse.

You have my full sympathy. Sex is very important to me, I couldn't be with someone without it. (I'm a woman just to clarify, I'm sure my username clearly spells that out though!)

I can absolutely understand why you ended up in bed with your neighbour and why you would want it to happen again.
I don't however think it's a good idea to start an affair with someone who lives a few doors away - you will get caught. People are very observant and no matter how clever you both think you're being, I am 100% sure you will be found out.

Also, to be having sex with someone regularly will ultimately lead to romantic feelings developing - sex creates a bond between 2 people and you may find yourself falling for this woman. Especially as you have a connection already through the friendship you have built.

I know it sounds a bit drastic to leave your wife but I think if you want to have sex with other women, you will need to think long and hard about it.
It's not fair on your wife for you to be sneaking around her back; she would be hurt and deeply embarrassed if people found out, imagine the gossip between all the neighbours. And the things your son may hear.

However, it's not fair on you to be expected to be a good husband but never have sex again. That's ridiculous.

Maybe an amicable separation would be best here so you can both live the lives you want.
But even if that happens, I urge you to stay away from the neighbour - it is too close to home, whatever happens here.

batmanrobin

Your wife made the choice to no longer have sex. It's a choice she is well within her rights to make. However, it is not a choice she gets to make for you.

You need to sit down with her again and explain that while you respect her wishes for her, it's not something you want for you. Either she's okay with you having sex elsewhere or you separate. There's no two ways about it really. If there's no medical or psychological reason behind her not wanting sex anymore, she can't expect you to live 40+ years celibate.

Stop the affair with this other woman and put your house in order. Then you can see whether you wish to continue with her. By the way, OP, this other woman has nothing to lose. You're just sex for her. You on the other hand have a hell of a lot to lose and the breakdown of your relationship with your wife could get ugly fast if she finds out you're having an affair.

You need to do what's right here, not what's easy.

squonk

Delighted for you OP. You shouldn't feel embarrassed or hurt considering the situation you're in. It's very unfair of your wife to just summarily decide that sex is off the table without at least trying to work towards resolving the issue. you can't live like that. Given this set of circumstances, what happened was inevitable and you put a lot of work into resolving the issue so far.

You need to paint a stark picture for your wife. Personally I wouldn't mention the night with your neighbour. I think that'll just cause hurt and do more to scupper a resolution to your issues with your wife. She needs to move from her position. You can't live as friends for the next 30 years. We get one life and we have to make the most of what we are given.

LegacyUser

That's not a marriage - it's a house share.

Decide what you want to do. Do you want to stay with your wife without sex? I think you would be crazy to but people do... She's broken the terms of your agreement. She's decided ye will never have sex again. That's not his marriage works. Now in saying that what you've done is pretty scummy and you need to stop right now.

Tell your wife it's a deal breaker and if nothing is changing then move out but not in with the neighbour!!! Live on your own and give your time to your child who will need help with the transition.

I don't think what you did was right but I can understand it.

Toots

Completely agree with batmanrobin above. Your wife has decided that she no longer wants sex (and the result of that is that you no longer get to have sex either) but she may not be happy with the idea of you getting it elsewhere. A sexless marriage is fine if both parties are genuinely OK with it, but your wife doesn't have the right to force you into celibacy.

That being said, the phrase "don't sh*t where you eat" jumped into my head when I was reading your post. You live near this other woman, if you continue an affair, even if it's just casual sex, the risk of being found out would be considerably higher - all it takes would be for someone you know to see you coming out of her house and the rumor mill could get started.

So what you need to consider is:

Do you still want a relationship with your wife? When you say you've talked about it, have you actually sat down and spelled out that you can't live the rest of your life in a sexless marriage, and that this is potentially a game ender for you? Have you sought counselling, either as a couple or as an individual? If you actually tell your wife that you're considering ending your marriage about this, it might bring it home how serious the issue is and encourage her to work on it. If she agreed to work on it, would you be prepared to stay, or is it too far gone?

TBH, if she's not willing to work on the issue, then you need to make a tough decision on what to do next. Even if she does say she's ok with it if you go elsewhere for sex, I'm not sure how she'd react if it was practically on her own doorstep. You need to tread carefully because you've got a child to think about too. If your marriage is over, then it's over, so try and end it as amicably as possible. If you continue the affair and she finds out, things could get very nasty very fast, and worst case scenario she could retaliate by withholding access to your son, which could take months to sort out in court.

retro:electro

Some weird posters on this thread. Dress it up and make excuses all you like, at the end of the day you're cheating on your wife. Either tell her and decide to work on your problems together, or leave her and carry on however you like with whoever you like. Either way you need to cop on to yourself.

intheclouds

anna080 wrote: »

Some weird posters on this thread. Dress it up and make excuses all you like, at the end of the day you're cheating on your wife.

Eh, if the marriage is sexless then his wife is not a wife under any real definition of the term and his relationship is no more than a friendship.

He has cheated on his wife. Yes. But his wife has checked out of the marriage. You cant force celibacy on someone and expect it to be all ok. Its going to produce an incredibly hurt and frustrated individual. I would go so far as to consider it spousal abuse tbh. Denial of intimacy - its a far greater wrong than a ride with the neighbour imo.

retro:electro

intheclouds wrote: »

Eh, if the marriage is sexless then his wife is not a wife under any real definition of the term and his relationship is no more than a friendship.

He has cheated on his wife. Yes. But his wife has checked out of the marriage. You cant force celibacy on someone and expect it to be all ok. Its going to produce an incredibly hurt and frustrated individual. I would go so far as to consider it spousal abuse tbh. Denial of intimacy - its a far greater wrong than a ride with the neighbour imo.

Well then all he has to do is tell her "hey honey, I'm shagging Yvonne from down the road, hope you don't mind. Want anything in the shop?"
If she's as "checked out" as you say then surely she won't care.
It's the secrecy and lies that are the worst.

intheclouds

anna080 wrote: »

Well then all he has to do is tell her "hey honey, I'm shagging Yvonne from down the road, hope you don't mind. Want anything in the shop?"
Surely she won't care.
It's the secrecy and lies that are the worst.

I dont even see his indiscretion as the issue here.

He is in a sexless marriage and that needs to be resolved. The rest of it is just an unfortunate fallout from that. I see no reason to hurt his wife by telling her about the indiscretion (isnt he feeling bad enough?) so I think your suggestion is callous tbh. Why cause more hurt? Hasnt enough been caused? The most palatable solution that hurts the least people is for him to end his sham marriage.

After that he can pursue the neighbour.

dudara

squonk wrote: »

Delighted for you OP. You shouldn't feel embarrassed or hurt considering the situation you're in. It's very unfair of your wife to just summarily decide that sex is off the table without at least trying to work towards resolving the issue. you can't live like that. Given this set of circumstances, what happened was inevitable and you put a lot of work into resolving the issue so far.

I'd beg to differ. You always have a choice where you put your penis, so it's not inevitable. And it doesn't sound like he has put "a lot of work" into resolving the issue so far. Has the OP suggested counseling to his wife? Has he laid out the cards clearly about the impact of no sex on their marriage? That's what "a lot of work" would be to me.

OP - as many other posters are saying, you need to remove this distraction (i.e. your neighbour) from the picture. You need to focus on your relationship with your wife and have a very serious conversation with her. Even if she doesn't want sex, she is still your wife and until you mutually decide to separate, that relationship should be treated with respect.

MeatTwoVeg

anna080 wrote:

If she's as "checked out" as you say then surely she won't care. It's the secrecy and lies that are the worst.

TBH, if a woman in her early 40's informs her husband she'll be no longer having sex with him, she'd be a fool to expect he's not going to go elsewhere for it.

retro:electro

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

TBH, if a woman in her early 40's informs her husband she'll be no longer having sex with him, she'd be a fool to expect he's not going to go elsewhere for it.

Well that's a discussion he needs to have with her then, instead of going behind her back and making a fool of her by shagging the neighbour.

ahnow

Sorry, the people on here saying "fair play to you"?! No. You need to show your wife and mother of your child some respect and consideration and speak to her before riding the neighbour. Finish the marriage and do what ever you want, or not, but going behind your wife's back is disgusting. She was direct to you about what she wanted-and if it's not what you want then you need to be upfront with her. Not sneaking around and lying to her. And if you don't think the neighbours will figure this out fairly lively you're very naive. You need to and should have spoken to her before this happened.

intheclouds

anna080 wrote: »

Well that's a discussion he needs to have with her then, instead of going behind her back and making a fool of her by shagging the neighbour.

You dont think she is making a fool of him by denying him sex in his marriage?

retro:electro

intheclouds wrote: »

You dont think she is making a fool of him by denying him sex in his marriage?

Theres an argument to be made for that, and I'm not denying that. But at least she was honest and straightforward with him about the issue, which is more than can be said for the op.

daithi7

anna080 wrote: »

Some weird posters on this thread. Dress it up and make excuses all you like, at the end of the day you're cheating on your wife. Either tell her and decide to work on your problems together, or leave her and carry on however you like with whoever you like. Either way you need to cop on to yourself.

With all due respect Anna,
You seem like the odd one out here, or the ' weird' one if you really want to use that terminology. The intimacy has been gone from the Ops relationship with his wife for many years. he's interested, she's not, end of.

She's checked out of that aspect of married life. He hadn't at all but she doesn't seem to want to help to confront her or their initimacy issues. Pity. It's probably indicative of something deeper.

If I were him, I would firstly talk with the missus in a fairly forthright way about their marriage, his expectations and needs, and hers, and see if they can reconcile the two. I e.Maybe she's withholding sex cos he walks the dog every time she wants to talk about their relationship or something..

However to be fair to the Op, this does not sound like the issue. As batman said it's probably going to have to be her accepting an open marriage, or else a separation of some sort. Imposing no sex on your partner cos you have gone off it for years on end (assuming all healthy otherwise) is an unfair and unnatural thing to impose on someone, It would make the best of marriages a life sentence imho. And that's weird and not in a good way!

P.s. Op get your own ducks in a line first before having any more flings with neighbours or anyone else for that matter. I wouldn't tell her about this indiscretion at all but do let her know that if ye can't have a physically initimate and fulfilling relationship within your marriage, ye will seek it outside it. It's up to her after that. Good luck.

intheclouds

anna080 wrote: »

Theres an argument to be made for that, and I'm not denying that. But at least she was honest and straightforward with him about the issue, which is more than can be said for the op.

I think he is probably a victim of his own empathy here. I cant imagine its easy to leave your wife and small child - despite being denied sex. She knows this and is using it to her advantage (maybe not consciously).

Im sure the facade of marriage and the shared parenting and financials is a more attractive prospect for her than being a divorced single mother. She is being very disrespectful of him to use him this way.

Certainly I dont agree with having sex with the neighbour while married, but I think the circumstances are abnormal for the OP and he did something that he would not do under normal circumstances.

As such, i dont see the point in berating him about the transgression thats clearly causing him guilt but instead focusing on the bigger issue which is his forced celibate situation.

daithi7

Intheclouds,
+1 to all of that. Exactly my thoughts.

retro:electro

daithi7 wrote: »

With all due respect Anna,
You seem like the odd one out here, or the ' weird' one if you really want to use that terminology. The intimacy has been gone from the Ops relationship with his wife for many years. he's interested, she's not, end of.

She's checked out of that aspect of married life. He hadn't at all but she doesn't seem to want to help to confront her or their initimacy issues. Pity. It's probably indicative of something deeper.

If I were him, I would firstly talk with the missus in a fairly forthright way about their marriage, his expectations and needs, and hers, and see if they can reconcile the two. I e.Maybe she's withholding sex cos he walks the dog every time she wants to talk about their relationship or something..

However to be fair to the Op, this does not sound like the issue. As batman said it's probably going to have to be her accepting an open marriage, or else a separation of some sort. Imposing no sex on your partner cos you have gone off it for years on end (assuming all healthy otherwise) is an unfair and unnatural thing to impose on someone, It would make the best of marriages a life sentence imho. And that's weird and not in a good way!

P.s. Op get your own ducks in a line first before having any more flings with neighbours or anyone else for that matter. I wouldn't tell her about this indiscretion at all but do let her know that if ye can't have a physically initimate and fulfilling relationship within your marriage, ye will seek it outside it. It's up to her after that. Good luck.

I never said he should impose sex on her?? Please quote where you think I've said that! To be honest my point all along has been the same as yours, my first post states "either talk to her about it (the affair) and see can you resolve the issue, or break up with her and do whatever you want with whoever you want".

Merkin

Enough of the squabbling and point scoring please. Stick to advising the OP.

MeatTwoVeg

anna080 wrote:

Well that's a discussion he needs to have with her then, instead of going behind her back and making a fool of her by shagging the neighbour.

I've already suggested the same.
But the wife doesn't have any cause for surprise at the course events have taken.

racso1975

dudara wrote: »

I'd beg to differ. You always have a choice where you put your penis, so it's not inevitable. And it doesn't sound like he has put "a lot of work" into resolving the issue so far. Has the OP suggested counseling to his wife? Has he laid out the cards clearly about the impact of no sex on their marriage? That's what "a lot of work" would be to me.

In fairness he did say they talked and that she point blank refuses to deal with the issue. It was hardly one chat that they had. The wife knows it's not natural for the relationship to be like this what has she done about it? Why does she think it's OK for him to stay like this having expressed his unhappiness.

Yes he has slept with someone else and he needs to take full ownership of that in whatever format that is.

Op your situation with the neighbour is not ideal and will come out. Short term you need to decide what it is you want. Do you want to try save marriage? Do you want a relationship with the neighbour? Or has this just been a catalyst for you to move out and start life over?

Keep in my you are emotionally invested in the neighbour given your friendship first.

Ultimately you need to do what's right for you and your son?

daithi7

anna080 wrote: »

I never said he should impose sex on her?? Please quote where you think I've said that! To be honest my point all along has been the same as yours, my first post states "either talk to her about it (the affair) and see can you resolve the issue, or break up with her and do whatever you want with whoever you want".

Ha, neither did I Anna. Kindly read my post accurately please before misquoting it.

What I did say was
' 'Imposing no sex on your partner cos you have gone off it for years on end (assuming all healthy otherwise) is an unfair and unnatural thing to impose on someone, It would make the best of marriages a life sentence imho. And that's weird and not in a good way!'

And I was referring to the Op's wife not the Op per se.

Finally, you say he s should talk to the wife about the 'affair '( to be clear it was a one night stand after years of a sexless marriage), I don't see why he should do this , in fact I wouldn't recommend that at all. At all.

The fling was merely a result of years of a frustrating lack of sex with his wife. That's what he and his wife need to talk about and resolve if possible.......Good luck!!

P.s. Tellin the missus he just shagged a neighbour is likely to lead to holy war as she'll see this other woman daily. That could only reduce the chances of him and his wife working on her or their intimacy issues together and t resolving their differences iwithn their marriage imho.

retro:electro

daithi7 wrote: »

Ha, neither did I Anna. Kindly read my post accurately please before misquoting it.

What I did say was ' imposing no sex on a spouse is..... '
And I was referring to the Op's wife not the Op per se.

Finally, you say he s should talk to the wife about the 'affair '(it was a one night stand after years of a sexless marriage), I don't see why he should, in fact I wouldn't recommend that at all.

The fling was merely a result of years of a frustrating lack of sex with his wife. That's what they need to talk about and resolve if possible....

P.s. Tellin the missus he just shagged a neighbour is likely to lead to holy war as she'll see this other woman daily. It would only reduce the chances of him and his wife working on her or their intimacy issues and t resolving their differences iwithn their marriage imho.

But if they resolve their intimacy issues now, it's all based on a lie. The wife deserves to know if the man she married is having an affair. To be honest it sounds like a miserable marriage/existence either way. The least he could do is respect her enough to be honest about the situation just like she did with him.

Toots

intheclouds wrote: »

You dont think she is making a fool of him by denying him sex in his marriage?

In fairness, Mrs So-and-so down the road, and Mr Bloggs from number 5 don't know that the OP is in a sexless marriage. However, if he's seen coming and going from the neighbour's house a lot, and the rumours start, and it's a case of the whole neighbourhood knowing before the wife does, it would be hugely embarrassing for her. Regardless of what portion of blame for the marriage breakdown lies with her, she doesn't deserve to be humiliated like that.

As I said, even if the wife gave the green light to the OP to have sex outside the relationship, I doubt she'd be cool with it being so close to home.

dudara

@anna080 & @daithi7 - final warning. Cease the back and forth or the next action will be infractions/bans.

dudara

retro:electro

Honestly these kind of threads make me depressed, the amount of people applauding the op and willing on his secrecy troubles me.
Yes it would be the easier option to continue lying and sneaking about, because in one way or another the wife has brought all of this on herself, and so she deserves the consequences and all the hurt, right?
Or, the op could have an open and honest conversation with his wife and the mother of his son. Clearly express to her his needs and desires and ask does she want to seek help for their issues. He needs to be honest with her about how he's feeling and how the neglect is making him look elsewhere to feel desired again. Maybe once the wife is confronted with a tangible threat to her marriage she will consider looking for help. Up until now it has been something she could sweep under the carpet and never confront.

intheclouds

anna080 wrote: »

Honestly these kind of threads make me depressed...

Me too. I would be absolutely devastated if I thought I was never going to have sex with my husband again. Game over. I just dont understand how anyone can think thats ok. Id be at my GP quick smart if I was feeling that way.

retro:electro

intheclouds wrote: »

Me too. I would be absolutely devastated if I thought I was never going to have sex with my husband again. Game over. I just dont understand how anyone can think thats ok. Id be at my GP quick smart if I was feeling that way.

In your rational mind that's easy for you to say. You don't know what has led the op's wife to come to this decision. Sometimes it's hard to give yourself the push that it takes to sort things out because you think that this is how you actually feel and nothing is going to change that.

dudara

@MeatTwoVeg - I have removed your posts and other related posts as they are not to the standard expected in Personal & Relationship Issues. I recommend reading the forum charter before posting again.

As a reminder, all posts should focus on offering relevant and constructive advice to the OP.

dudara

Tasden

I think anna is spot on.

Being unhappy with your spouse is not an excuse to cheat.
If you're unhappy with her decision (to not have sex) then end it.
If she is unhappy with your decision (to cheat) then she is free to end it too.
But you're not giving her the chance to choose by keeping it from her.
You chose to stay with her knowing all the facts.

Whether or not she is right to withold sex/decide not to be intimate is an entirely different topic but you can hardly take the moral high ground about her behaviour when you are being deceitful and making decisions yourself in the relationship that she doesn't even know about let alone agree with.

silverharp

OP, you sound quite passive in all this, you discuss the lack of sex with your wife, she doesnt budge and you settle with this decision. why dont you take charge and for want of a better term seduce your wife, get your kid to go on a sleepover or stay with relatives/grandparents for a night or weekend and organise a night out where she has to get dressed up and when you get back get your mojo on
men can often be left in the position of "its cheaper to keep her than leave her"either for the kids sake or the financial consequences but there is no point being broken to the point of not having your basic needs met. you need to break the rut.

retro:electro

The op had every right to leave his marriage once his wife said she wasn't interested in sex anymore: but he didn't, he chose to stay. And now he's preventing her from making that decision that she deserves to consider by being dishonest. If he was so unhappy with her decision he should have left. He's no victim here.

eviltwin

Face it OP you are looking for validation here. You painted yourself in the first part of your post as the victim and now you are hoping we will all feel sorry enough for you to say "yeah, go on, have the affair, you deserve it"

Its not as simple as that.

As Anna rightly points out you made a decision to stay in your marriage. Unless you and your wife sat down and discussed having an open relationship you have betrayed her and with a neighbour and in her home which is a really horrible thing to do. I mean, did the pair of you have sex in the marital bed? Its gross, this is your wife and child's space and you brought another woman in.

You can't have your cake and eat it. I think staying in a sexless marriage is unfair to everyone and yes your wife should have been more proactive in helping sort it out. She's let you down very badly. But that doesn't mean you have carte blanche to shag anyone. If you want to do that either do it with her blessing or be mature enough to end the marriage and be single.

And for what its worth, I think you are playing with fire having such a relationship with a woman living down the road, you have no chance in hell of keeping this a secret.

squonk

I'm really not getting why there seems to be such a move to vilify the OP here. Looking at a piece from his post

Obviously I tried to talk to her and help her in any way I could. I asked her was it me. Did she want to be/or was with someone else. But the reality was that after all the talk, it was just simply a case of her having no interest whatsoever in sex with anyone. I accepted it, despite her absolute refusal to do anything about it. It has been a little bit soul destroying, because we carried on as normal in every other way.

it's not like he just went along passively. He tried but if someone just doesn't want sex and doesn't want to do something about that then what is he supposed to do? It's easy to say he should leave but that's a massive upheaval and, human nature being what it is, it's easier sometimes to plod along hoping something will change. there are those who get up and make the big decisions and those who don't. The OP didn't throw himself at the first woman he saw either. By his account this happened fairly organically and, had things been right in his own marriage, would never have amounted to anything. Yes, now is the time to finally have a frank discussion with his wife. It's not the time to bring up the indiscretion though. They have enough problems to deal with right now as a couple without piling this on as well. I feel sorry for the OP because he has to decide some day whether to say something or keep quiet about this if things work out. That's his cross to bear but there are enough cards on the table already and I can't fathom why people are looking to add fuel to an already out of control fire.

Now the OP really has to sit down and look at themselves. Yes, the sex with the neighbour was great because it was unexpected and he'd gone a long time without. Maybe he should take that experience and use it to renew his desire to help his wife or talk her around to getting help.

This indiscretion is just an epiphany for the OP and it should be treated like that. If he uses it to good benefit then that'll be good. If he uses it as an excuse to continue screwing the neighbour behind his wife's back, then he deserves the ire he's getting here but it doesn't sound like he wants that.

retro:electro

squonk wrote: »

I'm really not getting why there seems to be such a move to vilify the OP here. Looking at a piece from his post



it's not like he just went along passively. He tried but if someone just doesn't want sex and doesn't want to do something about that then what is he supposed to do? It's easy to say he should leave but that's a massive upheaval and, human nature being what it is, it's easier sometimes to plod along hoping something will change. there are those who get up and make the big decisions and those who don't. The OP didn't throw himself at the first woman he saw either. By his account this happened fairly organically and, had things been right in his own marriage, would never have amounted to anything. Yes, now is the time to finally have a frank discussion with his wife. It's not the time to bring up the indiscretion though. They have enough problems to deal with right now as a couple without piling this on as well. I feel sorry for the OP because he has to decide some day whether to say something or keep quiet about this if things work out. That's his cross to bear but there are enough cards on the table already and I can't fathom why people are looking to add fuel to an already out of control fire.

Now the OP really has to sit down and look at themselves. Yes, the sex with the neighbour was great because it was unexpected and he'd gone a long time without. Maybe he should take that experience and use it to renew his desire to help his wife or talk her around to getting help.

This indiscretion is just an epiphany for the OP and it should be treated like that. If he uses it to good benefit then that'll be good. If he uses it as an excuse to continue screwing the neighbour behind his wife's back, then he deserves the ire he's getting here but it doesn't sound like he wants that.

So he approaches the wife, doesn't disclose the affair but they have a conversation. The wife agrees to work on herself and they begin to work on their sex life. Two months down the line she finds out about the affair and they are back to square one. Now what? She's back to withholding sex from the op; that's if she doesn't leave him.
The only thing that will work at this late stage is if both parties are extremely honest, it's all or nothing at this stage really.

baby and crumble

silverharp wrote: »

why dont you take charge and for want of a better term seduce your wife, get your kid to go on a sleepover or stay with relatives/grandparents for a night or weekend and organise a night out where she has to get dressed up and when you get back get your mojo on
.

This isn't a case of them not having sex because one party is tired. A sexless relationship is different from a lack of opportunities for sex. When you're in this kind of relationship, for a long period of time, the mere idea of trying, yet again, and being rejected (which is the most likely scenario) is terrifying, to say the least. If the OPs wife refuses point blank to deal with the issue (even though he has tried everything already) one night of getting dressed up will not solve anything. It might make it worse.

squonk

anna080 wrote: »

So he approaches the wife, doesn't disclose the affair but they have a conversation. The wife agrees to work on herself and they begin to work on their sex life. Two months down the line she finds out about the affair and they are back to square one. Now what? She's back to withholding sex from the op; that's if she doesn't leave him.
The only thing that will work at this late stage is if both parties are extremely honest, it's all or nothing at this stage really.

No, it doesn't have to be. If he discloses his indiscretion now, it's likely curtains to him ever having sex with his wife again. He has a choice. End the marriage right now or try and work on it. If he works on it, and the effort is successful, then he has a further choice, tell his wife about the indiscretion or say noting. Like you said, saying something two months down the line may end up with things back at square one or they might work through it but it won't be pretty that's for sure. The other option is for the OP to suffer his shame and guilt alone, but at least he has his marriage and has learned the value of a functioning relationship. Sometimes being open and honest isn't the best course of action.

Tasden

squonk wrote: »

I'm really not getting why there seems to be such a move to vilify the OP here. Looking at a piece from his post



it's not like he just went along passively. He tried but if someone just doesn't want sex and doesn't want to do something about that then what is he supposed to do? It's easy to say he should leave but that's a massive upheaval and, human nature being what it is, it's easier sometimes to plod along hoping something will change. there are those who get up and make the big decisions and those who don't. The OP didn't throw himself at the first woman he saw either. By his account this happened fairly organically and, had things been right in his own marriage, would never have amounted to anything. Yes, now is the time to finally have a frank discussion with his wife. It's not the time to bring up the indiscretion though. They have enough problems to deal with right now as a couple without piling this on as well. I feel sorry for the OP because he has to decide some day whether to say something or keep quiet about this if things work out. That's his cross to bear but there are enough cards on the table already and I can't fathom why people are looking to add fuel to an already out of control fire.

Now the OP really has to sit down and look at themselves. Yes, the sex with the neighbour was great because it was unexpected and he'd gone a long time without. Maybe he should take that experience and use it to renew his desire to help his wife or talk her around to getting help.

This indiscretion is just an epiphany for the OP and it should be treated like that. If he uses it to good benefit then that'll be good. If he uses it as an excuse to continue screwing the neighbour behind his wife's back, then he deserves the ire he's getting here but it doesn't sound like he wants that.

The piece you quoted says he "accepted it". That is going along passively. If his efforts didn't result in change then his options are be passive and actually accept it (which means accepting it as part of his marriage) or not accept it and resolve the issue by deciding on an arrangement that works for them both, whether that be ending the relationship or him seeing other people or whatever. But it involves them both being aware of whats going on in their relationship. "Accepting it" but then sleeping with someone else is passive in the extreme.

eviltwin

squonk wrote: »

No, it doesn't have to be. If he discloses his indiscretion now, it's likely curtains to him ever having sex with his wife again. He has a choice. End the marriage right now or try and work on it. If he works on it, and the effort is successful, then he has a further choice, tell his wife about the indiscretion or say noting. Like you said, saying something two months down the line may end up with things back at square one or they might work through it but it won't be pretty that's for sure. The other option is for the OP to suffer his shame and guilt alone, but at least he has his marriage and has learned the value of a functioning relationship. Sometimes being open and honest isn't the best course of action.

You're forgetting the woman he slept with is a neighbour. She knows where he lives and wants it to happen again. That's a massive time bomb that may explode at any time and the fall out from that will probably be greater than him being honest now.

Meauldsegosha

silverharp wrote: »

why dont you take charge and for want of a better term seduce your wife, ... organise a night out where she has to get dressed up and when you get back get your mojo on

This is ridiculous. The OP's wife hasn't wanted sex in three years and doesn't want to have sex with anyone, a night out is not going to change that. The OP also has to respect his wife's decision not to have/want sex.

OP you need to forget about your neighbour for now. Sit down with your wife and have a frank and open discussion about on you continue. You need to reach a mutual decision to continue with an open relationship (if you do this stay away from the neighbour, it is too close to home), have a sexless marriage or split up.

Taltos

Mod Note
Last chance

This thread is at risk of being closed prematurely due to the constant hijacking and off topic posts.
daithi - if you have an issue with mod direction please take it to PM instead of posting on this thread as that will only result in off topic posts as well. Your post though has been removed as it is off topic and beyond a +1 to a previous post isn't providing constructive advice.
anna080 - you've made your standpoint very clear, please don't post again on this thread unless you have materially different advice to offer.

To everyone else.
The OP has come here for advice not judgement, while it's an emotive topic they deserve to receive the advice they sought, even if it's sugared up or as bitter as hell. Irrespective of our own feelings on this topic or if we've been cheated on ourselves I'll ask you one last time not to post unless you have constructive advice to offer and can give it in a civil manner.

Due to the level of moderation this thread is drawing we'll either be forced to close it or will start issuing bans for those posters who just want to score points.

silverharp

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

This is ridiculous. The OP's wife hasn't wanted sex in three years and doesn't want to have sex with anyone, a night out is not going to change that. The OP also has to respect his wife's decision not to have/want sex.

My general point was that his wife is taking advantage of him and is essentially treating him like hired help except he is paying. Its difficult to find someone sexually appealing in such a situation. one way to get the spark back is by taking back the initiative in the relationship, his wife might start to view him differently and the OP's self esteem will recover

Meauldsegosha

feelingguilty wrote: »

My wife went off sex gradually when our son was 4. That was three years ago. Two years ago, it just stopped when she told me that she just had no interest in it. ... it was just simply a case of her having no interest whatsoever in sex with anyone.

My wife never gave a damn about dealing with the sex issue despite anything I tried or did. ... I recently brought up the sex issue again and I was laughed at.

@silverharp, if you read the OP it is not the case that the spark is gone or they don't fancy each other.

I would guess that this woman never had an interest in sex and only had sex in order to have her child, she tried for a while for a second child when it didn't happen she gave up on sex for good. I'm not saying she doesn't love her husband but I think the time for getting the spark is long gone.


The OP needs to be brutally honest with his wife and himself about what he wants and how he sees this issue being resolved now and into the future.

DeltaWhite

Nobody can say why the wife doesn't want sex anymore, so speculating is a waste of time. The only person who can categorically state such a thing is OPs wife.

Im female and have to say, if I had a husband who did the same thing as OPs wife, I would not be able to stay with that person. No matter how many years together, kids, history - whatever. Not every woman is 'anti-man' on this forum, and not every woman is turned off sex for whatever reason. There's a multitude of reasons why she feels that way, but I will say this OP, a neighbour?? Such a bad move. A stranger yeah maybe you could be forgiven for that, but someone so close to home, I can't see your wife taking that information well.

I think sailing along and hoping for a solution to a problem that wasnt going to go away was a poor move but obviously one out of hopelessness. The best thing you can do now is talk to your wife verrrrry honestly about the future. If she was honest about the fact she didn't want sex anymore, you should be honest that you do.

pc7

Can you send the little guy to grandparents for a weekend holiday? Have him out of the house and have a serious chat with your wife. You need to explain that at 42 you can't go the rest of your life without sex. Is there a way back for intimacy on your relationship? Does she understand the consequences if she doesn't ever ever want too. What and where do you both go from there.
As others have said leave the neighbour issue to the side for now. The world of pain you'll open at this stage of this comes out. Don't sh1t on your own doorstep! Maybe it should come out but that's a different step right now IMO. Just talk to your wife.
Best of luck with it all doesn't sound good for any of you.

PressRun

First of all, you're absolutely mental to be carrying on with a woman from down the road. I'd cut that out very quickly if I were you because people do notice these things and they will talk. Regardless of whether you're upset about your wife's lack of interest in being intimate, you shouldn't humiliate her, and that's what you'll be doing if people get wind of what's going on with you and the neighbour. And don't even get me started on you bringing this woman into the family home. Even if your wife did agree to having some sort of open relationship arrangement, do you think she'd be happy with you having a ride with the neighbour in the same house where your young child eats and sleeps? Forget about it.

Secondly, I can see the frustration here and why you'd be tempted to look elsewhere. It's completely fine if your wife wants to live a life of celibacy, but you're not obliged to endure a sexless marriage if you don't want to. But at the end of the day, marriage is optional and if you feel that the current situation is not something you can live with, then walk away. You don't have to stay. Your wife was up front with you and told you that she's not interested in sex any more and it sounds like you just passively accepted that and then went behind her back rather than having a difficult and frank discussion about your future with her. Maybe you should be equally up front with her and make it very plain that you aren't happy with that arrangement and something needs to change or the marriage is over. You should have had this conversation and delivered this ultimatum before jumping into bed with the neighbour.